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SusieQ #2870135 11/17/15 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: SusieQ

I would spend time reading and re-reading this site and all the articles. Educate yourself. Read through people's threads. While you quietly Plan A.

I don't get the sense that you understand that all waywards are alike and that your situation is no different than anyone else's.

It won't help your situation if you are in your own BH fog - not a bit. You would just be making a bad situation WORSE.



I will take some time to read additional threads and other resources on the site.

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Some people never come out of the fog. No matter what you do, your wife may never come out of it!

I hate to be the devil's advocate but I will reiterate what some others said earlier, it's a young marriage with no kids. There's not a lot of 'glue' here.

It might behoove you to at least consider that your marriage is ending and that you're going to need to prepare to move on. Dragging out the divorce will be expensive and in her eyes, a huge love buster. She might need to get divorced to see what life is like without you. Once you are no longer the 'enemy' she might come to her senses. Maybe.

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When you file a Response to the divorce or countefile you should cite adultery and name the OM. 1) it gives you leverage. 2) The affair is forever documented so it's even more unlikely for it to last. 3) It is the truth and something your WW needs own. 4) it gives you leverage.

Your attorney may tell you just go with irreconcilable differences but I strongly suggest you cite the adultery. People who don't usually regret it later.

Also don't spend a lot to time talking to our attorney for hours and hours. You will blow through your money quickly by doing so. Make sure you read how he bills. Typically, charges are made in 15 or 20 min minimum increments so when you HAVE to talk to him,use your full 15 min vs two min here and two min there. Those two 2 min increments would be 30 mins billable. Does that make sense? There is no need for him to make photo copies to give you when he can email you a document...stuff like that can add up.

I would still consider claiming you weren't served since you are looking to buy time. Did you check your county's online court records to see what has been filed?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: black_raven
When you file a Response to the divorce or countefile you should cite adultery and name the OM. 1) it gives you leverage. 2) The affair is forever documented so it's even more unlikely for it to last. 3) It is the truth and something your WW needs own. 4) it gives you leverage.

Your attorney may tell you just go with irreconcilable differences but I strongly suggest you cite the adultery. People who don't usually regret it later.

Also don't spend a lot to time talking to our attorney for hours and hours. You will blow through your money quickly by doing so. Make sure you read how he bills. Typically, charges are made in 15 or 20 min minimum increments so when you HAVE to talk to him,use your full 15 min vs two min here and two min there. Those two 2 min increments would be 30 mins billable. Does that make sense? There is no need for him to make photo copies to give you when he can email you a document...stuff like that can add up.

I would still consider claiming you weren't served since you are looking to buy time. Did you check your county's online court records to see what has been filed?


He said I could refute that I was not properly served, but he said the court will recognize that as a proper service. I will look at how he bills and definitely cite the adultery. This will also clear up one thing - do I actually have the right OM? If an attorney contacts him for any type of testimony also, that would be enough to scare off even the stickiest of OMs I imagine.

That is great advice. I will address these things with the attorney tomorrow.

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Hey all. Just sent her this email:


Mrs Wrestlerchemist,

My attorney will communicate with your attorney regarding our financial obligations.

I love you, and miss you. I want to build a romantic and passionate marriage with you. This affair has been the most painful experience of my life, and I simply cannot build that desired passionate marriage with you until you end the affair.

Thinking about you,
WrestlerChemist

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I finally tracked down our Pastor last night (he also is the one that married us). We go to a big church and he was out of the country for the last few weeks so I finally got to talk to him in person. He was devastated, he has known my wife and her family for a very long time. He was completely on board with me telling everyone and even her company saying "Your marriage is far more important than her career." I asked him to talk to my FIL & MIL because they are in emotional turmoil second only to me. He said he would prepare himself in prayer before calling my wife today.

There was a charge on our credit card for gas in Indiana, where our Matron of Honor lives. It appears she went to talk to her, which is encouraging.

Looks like some of this exposure is catching up. Some friends have called me to tell me what I am doing is very "Christ Like" and it is making them evaluate themselves as a husband. I just keep telling them that I have a strategy and a group of people who deal with infidelity in marriages daily (that's you guys!) Yesterday was quite encouraging for me after about 4pm.

Today I meet with my attorney, so I may quickly get discouraged around that time. But maybe not.

Just updates guys. Thanks

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I know how hard this is for you. My FWW's A lasted about 1-1/2 years with a full on FR. We are recovered now but it has been a very rocky road. It can happen for you too. However, it may not.

I know you feel completely out of control in this situation.

When I was where you are, I chose to put all the focus on myself. I would invite her from time to time to do things with me with NO pressure. My goal was to create 'mini points of time of enjoyment' between us which could add up over time.

I tried to make every interaction as enjoyable as possible with NO LB's.

Some of the questions you might really think about are:

What were her primary complaints about you? How can you change that?

How did you treat her when you were dating? What made her fall in love with you?

What were the things that made her fall out of love with you?

It is going to take time for this A to die..which it will. It is going to take time for her to fall out of love with him.

Right now, she sees no possible way to be in love with you. She does not think you will change. She might even think this is just a competition for you.

She might think that even if you do get back together, you could never forgive her and your M would never survive her A.


You have to convince her that the possibilities are real between you two..
I chose to not be a doormat. I chose to be strong and firm but loving at the same time.

You can only control you...Be strong and confident in yourself.

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Thanks 20yearhistory for the encouragement. I will consider all those questions you mentioned... Maybe even write them down.

I am meeting with an attorney today in a few minutes. I took your guys' advice in being as prepared as possible. I printed off several relevant documents and hopefully we can be finished up fairly quickly today.

I will let you know how it goes - I will tell you I have heard from one friend already that my wife is telling people - "He cannot talk to you about this, its against his restraining order." (as people that I exposed to address her).

One of my friends was like "Umm do you want me to talk to my family lawyer to tell you that is an absolute lie"

HerPapaBear also chucked when I told him that, responding with "She thinks you have a restraining order from telling the truth to people?"

Anyways, par for the course for WW I suppose. I'll check in later guys!

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Attorney said he is going to talk to her attorney and demand those automatic bill payments get cancelled. He said she will pay me the half she has agreed to via transfers to the joint account. He said "You are the one in the house so you should be in charge of those bills because you are the one the lights get turned off on."
He also said he is going to get my half of the savings back. He said we will take the max time to respond, then it will go to pretrial (which he said will be in mid- February). He said at that point he will suggest the martial reconciliation, which if she denies will still buy some time. Then a trial date will be set and that's as much time as he can buy me.

He said "I told you I'd do it for $1000 and that's what I'm charging you" when I inquired about his fees. So I paid him today on the joint credit card (Which I was worried because its joint and that was in my restraining order, but he would have said something I imagine.)

I asked if I should cite adultery and he explained that it would make the cost go up because you have to prove it and that takes legal work. Also, it would not help my counter actions. (It would be like I am actually asking for divorce at that point.)

I told him I want to lift the restraining order on my wife about her being able to visit the home. He said that is very doable. Once she has been served obviously

He said he is very understanding of what I am trying to accomplish. He was recommended to me by SexyMamaBear.

I will say my talk with him eased a lot of the stresses I did not understand about the legal battle. Now all I have to do is be patient and Plan A perfectly when given the opportunity and make myself very attractive to her, while she slowly loses her "fog" and LB's the OM.

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WC,

Great job in reaching out to this Pastor, but I would follow up and see if he actually contacts her. A lot of clergy these days don't like to do the right thing if it means making enemies and will avoid conflict in situations like this. Just speaking from experience. If he actually contacts her, I think it is equally important that he contacts her family. He may be able to help them find a clue as to how help their daughter.

It is VERY encouraging that he supports accountability...in my own situation and others I read about on here there are unfortunately a lot of clergy out there who don't seem to understand the concept as it applies to adultery.

Your lawyer is interesting. I consulted 4 different attorneys in my situation (trying to AVOID filing for divorce) and none of them were as pro-marriage as your guy sounds. I think that is a positive for you.

The legal worries hanging over your head are very difficult to deal with. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Men in your situation benefit greatly from studying MB literature (Love Busters is a great place to start) and physical conditioning. There's a LOT to learn out there about how to recognize and eliminate one's own marriage-harming habits. The conditioning will help reinforce the idea that you are making positive changes in YOURSELF no matter what your wife decides to do here. At the end of the day, that is all you can control.

I'd recommend body building/weight lifting, but some guys like distance running or other types of training. The important thing is focusing on making positive changes. That is how you will stay encouraged about becoming more attractive to your wife.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Originally Posted By: axslinger85
WC,
Great job in reaching out to this Pastor, but I would follow up and see if he actually contacts her. A lot of clergy these days don't like to do the right thing if it means making enemies and will avoid conflict in situations like this. Just speaking from experience. If he actually contacts her, I think it is equally important that he contacts her family. He may be able to help them find a clue as to how help their daughter.

It is VERY encouraging that he supports accountability...in my own situation and others I read about on here there are unfortunately a lot of clergy out there who don't seem to understand the concept as it applies to adultery.


I am volunteering at the church tomorrow night to pack thanksgiving baskets for needy families in the area. When we spoke he had mentioned he would "likely see me there." I will go out of my way to ask him if he got a hold of her and if he spoke at all to my FIL and MIL. I would prefer asking him in person if maybe he could facilitate a conversation between himself, FIL, MIL and myself all together. My pastor calls using a private number, so its possible she ignored him. I will have more details on my pastor's actions since involvement tomorrow night.

She has been telling some of my friends that I am violating my temporary restraining orders by talking about the affair, which is humorous because the affair has not even been legally established. Just WW babble/lies attempting to silence me so "affair land" stays safe.

Tomorrow is my call in with Dr. Bill & Joyce at 12:50 eastern time. I was reading through the "wifedivorcing" thread in MelodyLane's signature and got some good insights on Plan A. I just feel helpless because she is not living with me or communicating with me at all. That is where patience comes into play I suppose... affair dies first, then reconciliation is possible. But until then, sit and wait. frown

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Do you think she might be willing to think about going and doing something with you that you both always enjoyed doing together?


Any time that you can find to go out and spend a little time together would be awesome. Just relaxing without any relationship talk..and no pressure.

Somehow she needs to see the side of you that she fell in love with. How can you find a way to spend a little time with her...stressing that you don't want to talk about anything serious.

I would think about backing off the pressure at this point. You have done an amazing job so far of putting the A out in the open.




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Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory
Do you think she might be willing to think about going and doing something with you that you both always enjoyed doing together?



This is one reason I wanted to ask my pastor if we could maybe get her parents and us two (pastor, FIL, MIL and me) together for a conversation. If my in laws were a little more on the side of what I am doing - my wife and her family LOVES PLAYING CARDS.

Every time we went over to my in laws we played cards. Maybe one night in the future, if her family was on board we could play some cards.

I have also tried to invite her to take our two dogs to the park. But she has always very quickly declined (that was pre-exposure by the way). Maybe sometime in the future we can do that.

Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory

I would think about backing off the pressure at this point. You have done an amazing job so far of putting the A out in the open.


God is definitely testing my endurance. The above comment about the card playing will be a future goal. But you are right, I just need to back off a bit, let her self destruct. It is just so dang hard waiting... I know everyone of you guys knows that already.

My birthday is next week, and hers the week after that. Should I get her a card? I have no idea where she is staying so I don't know how I would get it to her... maybe put it in her parents mailbox?

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You've been through a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself trying to think of a way to Plan A her - the meeting ENs part of Plan A....it's really tough to make any headway while she is still actively in her A.

If a spot opens up where she would be open to LB$ deposits, you will probably know it (because she will probably reach out to you).

Try to relax and I am certain you will feel better after you talk to Dr Harley.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870446 11/19/15 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: SusieQ

You've been through a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself trying to think of a way to Plan A her - the meeting ENs part of Plan A....it's really tough to make any headway while she is still actively in her A.

If a spot opens up where she would be open to LB$ deposits, you will probably know it (because she will probably reach out to you).

Try to relax and I am certain you will feel better after you talk to Dr Harley.


Thanks SusieQ.

I think I am almost to the point were I can really start focusing on myself. Like I am at a point were the pain is tolerable - not paralyzing. Clearly up the legal technicalities really helped...

The only thing I still need to conquer is this thought I have been having (not to beat the dead horse, I am sure you have heard it all before):

"I am waiting for the chance to reconcile...Not waiting for reconciliation"

Just a thought that gets me nervous again, but I just have got in the habit of quickly asking God to ease my spirit and keep moving forward. I believe in what I (we) have done.

Thanks for the posts today guys, I will tune in tomorrow after I talk on MB radio & meet with my pastor.

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Are you on ADs?

Someone else mentioned it but I'll re-emphasie that self-care, especially exercise is really helpful.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2870539 11/20/15 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Are you on ADs?

Someone else mentioned it but I'll re-emphasie that self-care, especially exercise is really helpful.


I am on some Anti depressants & anti anxiety medicine... I just asked for larger dosages this week. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not so much.

Just started a 30 day conditioning/body weight exercise regiment last night - its kind of written to be a monthly routine.

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Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist

This is one reason I wanted to ask my pastor if we could maybe get her parents and us two (pastor, FIL, MIL and me) together for a conversation. If my in laws were a little more on the side of what I am doing - my wife and her family LOVES PLAYING CARDS.


If you could get her to do something..anything...for the 2 of you to just hang out without your pastor, FIL, MIL etc..it would be ideal. If you get all those folks involved she might think she is going to get ambushed. Alone is the key. Not with others.

I invited my WW (WW at the time)to just do whatever. Things super low pressure without any relationship talk. Like go grab a bite to eat, run some errands...whatever. I would ask and say 'it would be cool if you want to jump in but no pressure'. Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would say yes.

The point is, you have to find a way to be able to spend a little time together where you can look great, be confident in yourself and have NO expectations of her. Have a smile on your face at all times so she knows that you have positive energy! No negativity. No pressure.

You have to play it cool and back off right now. Worked for me. Don't give her any ammo to make you the villain in her life. She already thinks you are the cause of her pain.

Be the positive force.

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Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory


If you could get her to do something..anything...for the 2 of you to just hang out without your pastor, FIL, MIL etc..it would be ideal. If you get all those folks involved she might think she is going to get ambushed. Alone is the key. Not with others.

I invited my WW (WW at the time)to just do whatever. Things super low pressure without any relationship talk. Like go grab a bite to eat, run some errands...whatever. I would ask and say 'it would be cool if you want to jump in but no pressure'. Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would say yes.

The point is, you have to find a way to be able to spend a little time together where you can look great, be confident in yourself and have NO expectations of her. Have a smile on your face at all times so she knows that you have positive energy! No negativity. No pressure.

You have to play it cool and back off right now. Worked for me. Don't give her any ammo to make you the villain in her life. She already thinks you are the cause of her pain.

Be the positive force.



When do you guys think I should approach her again? A week? Two weeks ?(her birthday is in two weeks).

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it is tricky on timing, maybe every few days, maybe once a week.
You kind of need to read her a little bit, without pressuring or too often, yet not too spaced apart.

Like, hey i am going to the store to look for christmas decorations, wanna come?
or want to go get a hot chocolate/coffee?
what would you do if you were trying to date her?

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