Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
He now tells me he is in a severe depression worse than ever in his life...he is 71. I guess he is in w.drawal based on the stages..so i am trying to be easy on him.......his 42 yr old son blames all his problems on his dad...he is unfaithful to his wife and spends time at strip clubs...his other daughter used to have anorexia...so his kids are all messed up......
.


It would be so nice if you did not believe lying to people is ok simply because they have troubles. Anorexia is no reason to treat someone like a Victorian insane asylum patient. She's ill, not crazy, or 'messed up'. How patronising of you to withhold information from her!

Does this glass person think it's ok to treat everyone, like well, glass? What if it had been the daughter who had found out and not you? Would glass advise her to lie to you?

I don't understand why his sons poor decisions in life is any reason to lie to him either, to be honest. He may be a liar, but you don't have to be. This son is still a grown up who can be given every opportunity to support his father. He either will or he won't: what is lost by trying? He may have copied infidelity habits from his father and so two families may depend on the light of exposure.

Overall you seem far too comfortable with secrets for an MB recovery which has zero tolerance for secrets.

i have told my sister who supports me. I have told the OWH. It is not secret. His kids don't tell us all their marital woes...I don't get why we would? If they are told, I believe my BH should tell them...NOT ME! I will talk about this with the counselor on Thursday. Thx.


Love ME now.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
it appears to me that exposing to the children of the couple who are living with the couple should know about the affair. i don't see how exposing to three adult step children ( i don't have children) who don't live close, only one of which we are close to
can possibly be productive. they don't confide in us with their marital problems..
i just don't get it....they all live thousands of miles away...it is not like what i see described here..the 7 year olds etc.

Trust me, I have been here for 14 years and Dr. Harley NEVER says only expose to children who are in the home. He always says expose to close family and friends. Obviously, children are close family.

Exposure is always productive because it is therapeutic.

I just want to point out that you are arguing and lecturing people who have saved their marriages. Your marriage is a wreck that is on the verge of divorce.

I don't see the point in coming here to argue about the steps. Just reject them and move on to another forum.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
it appears to me that exposing to the children of the couple who are living with the couple should know about the affair. i don't see how exposing to three adult step children ( i don't have children) who don't live close, only one of which we are close to
can possibly be productive. they don't confide in us with their marital problems..
i just don't get it....they all live thousands of miles away...it is not like what i see described here..the 7 year olds etc.

Trust me, I have been here for 14 years and Dr. Harley NEVER says only expose to children who are in the home. He always says expose to close family and friends. Obviously, children are close family.

Exposure is always productive because it is therapeutic.

I just want to point out that you are arguing and lecturing people who have saved their marriages. Your marriage is a wreck that is on the verge of divorce.

I don't see the point in coming here to argue about the steps. Just reject them and move on to another forum.
you are right....i may come around after some counseling..but for now I just don't get it....i believe there is great value in the program and we NEED a structured program to get thru this. i never say never.....and i do feel that his kids should know..it is just that I am not going to tell them...his father, my WH, should tell them.. I will work to that end. I value everyone here. YEs, i am a bit angry but that is just because I am going thru so much and it is hard and i am doing my best every day...and coming here is about the best place I can go every day....otw it is HELL. Thx.


Love ME now.
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
Ok, i am going to suggest to WH that HE exposes to his three adult kids..What would be an example of what he would say?

We are letting you know that we are dealing with some issues in our marriage. I have been unfaithful in the marriage and we are taking steps to work it out. (do we tell them with who? she was my best friend and they have met her). Christmas is hard this year as we are not feeling in the Christmas spirit. In lieu of gifts and cards to you and the grandchildren we are donating to an animal rescue center. We are redirecting funds to counseling for our situation. We may not be able to have you visit during the next several months while we work on rebuilding trust and companionship as it will take our full time attention. I am sorry for the pain I have created to our family . I have quit drinking as I believe this has influenced my behavior. I am going to counseling and will for as long as it takes to resolve this situation.

any help would be appreciated..i am not sure just what should be said and i will have to coach my WH on this. he has told me he is depressed and doesn't want to send gifts or cards or anything this year...so , you are right, w/o the truth, they will think it is something THEY did wrong.....

again, thank you.


Love ME now.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
Ok, i am going to suggest to WH that HE exposes to his three adult kids..What would be an example of what he would say?
.

No, you should not ask him to expose himself. Don't make demands of him. Just do it yourself. There is no advantage in badgering him to expose himself. It will just lead to completely unnecessary conflict and will likely result in him spinning the truth.

The affair should be exposed by you. Don't make this so ridiculously difficult by pettifogging the issue. Just email the kids and tell them in a straightforward manner what has happened. You can tell your husband afterwards.

Dear kids, I am writing to ask you for your support of our marriage. To my great shock and disappointment, I recently discovered that your father has been having a long term affair with Sally Slut, a married woman whose husband plays golf with your father. I am devastated. Her husband has been informed and we are trying to save our marriage.

I am hoping to save this marriage and am asking that you use your influence with your father to persuade him to work on this marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
.

any help would be appreciated..i am not sure just what should be said and i will have to coach my WH on this. he has told me he is depressed and doesn't want to send gifts or cards or anything this year...so , you are right, w/o the truth, they will think it is something THEY did wrong.....

.


Right. They also need to know their father is not that responsible or reliable at the moment but that you are on it. You are doing a wonderful thing by offering him forgiveness, and you should take any credit or support you can get.

Also, if there any unsuppotive people who respond badly, you need to know that too.

Recovery is a long stint, a good few years, you need to know who your friends or enemies are while you the victim receive just compensation (you do, not him) so go find out directly yourself. It's also impossible to cover up, not just at Christmas time.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Also, if there any unsuppotive people who respond badly, you need to know that too.

Recovery is a long stint, a good few years,
^^^ This. Absolutely!

intuition, none of us could know for certain what would pan out once we agreed to begin recovery. Recovery is long and arduous...constant tiny baby steps yes, but very tiring.

One of the biggest benefits of exposure (other than killing the affair dead) is seeing people the way that they really are. We've leaned on those who supported us when we needed a boost of energy to keep up the marathon of recovery.

I so hope that you will consider calling the adult children.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
It has been a year and a half since i first reached out when i found out my husband was having a long term affair with my best friend. you told me to expose this to friends and his kids. i just couldn't do it. you told me to go elsewhere. i did not. i am back now as i now understand why you told me to expose. we have 2 homes.. Canada and California and our friends are intertwined in both areas. the OW 's home is so close to mine in Canada i get her wifi signal. so, no exposure. my WH got cancer a few months after i left this blog and i put things aside until he was better. two months ago he was better and we went to California. i refused to go to a golf party at the home of the OW and everyone is now wondering what is wrong with ME since i don't like that nice person the OW. i have just said there has been a falling out. she sent me a letter asking me to be her friend again. i said NO, i would never be her friend again. my husband wanted to have the meeting but i said NO i will never be in the same room with them again. i spent years watching them together and i won't watch them for 1 second more. so folks. you were right. exposure was the right thing to do. I am now the problem, both of them have their secret intact except for my sister and friend who have to deal with my tirades and issues. i have triggers and have not been able to manage them with my WH. we are talking divorce now. i don't see any way other than to expose now. he went to a counsellor who told him i should "grow up and get over it" and stop acting like a child. so i don't have support from him, the counsellor. his cancer is in remission and he s/b okay for a couple of years. i am heartsick. i feel pain over my heart and i am not at all myself any longer. i cannot enjoy life any more. i have not handled this well. i should have listened to you . i STILL have issues about exposing as i guess i come from old school where you don't air your dirty laundry. so i waffle. so at this juncture. i am asking for your help once more. shall i just expose and divorce? OTW, i will be made out to be the 'bad guy.... my WH sure doesn't take any responsibility. he says he is sorry but he still wants to have his life return to the way it was before.. friends with her... so he can golf with her husband and go to the annual wrap up party etc. as far as i am concerned.. with 15 golfers, the wrap-up party could be at someone else home... if they had any shred of decency or concern for my feelings they would have not offered to have it at their home, knowing that is was NB for my husband to attend, particularly after he has recovered from cancer. I feel totally messed up in every possible way here. i don't trust my feelings any more. i am depressed and scared. if you wish to waste any more time of my issue here by responding, i will appreciate it. i just turned 65, he just turned 74...life is passing by and i really need to enjoy and not get myself sick over this... i nursed him with his cancer and so really even tho it is a year/and a half since i found out.. a year was set aside for the cancer.. so it is still fresh in my mind anyway. i suggested to him that we have another wedding ceremony and date as even this anniversary i was reminded of a time the OW even drove us to the restaurant we usually go to.. another trigger.!! triggers are everywhere. I want to move from our house that is so close the wifi registers here.. but my WH wants to stay as he can't handle the stress of a move as this disease is in the background..and i can't handle the stress of her house being so close,,,although she isn't there a whole lot..she spends time w here grandkids in another city much of the time...anyway i won't ramble on and on.. i am contemplating separation and divorce... what advice do you have, please?


Love ME now.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
My suggestion would be to read the thread again and take the advice. Expose the affair and then move out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
My suggestion would be to read the thread again and take the advice. Expose the affair and then move out.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Does her husband know about the affair?

Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
yes her husband knows about it. i did tell him. he has not been loyal to her... i don't think either of them really care about loyalty to each other and obviously friends don't matter either. i have said hello to him when i have seen him but we have not spoken any more about it. so yes, he knows and they both planned this golf wind up party at their home... maybe they thought i would show up and all would be as before..but geesh..i watched the affair for years and i can't bear the thought of watching them look at each other one more time. maybe i should give me head a shake..they made a mistake now let's all move on.. that is what i wrestle with


Love ME now.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
yes her husband knows about it. i did tell him. he has not been loyal to her... i don't think either of them really care about loyalty to each other and obviously friends don't matter either. i have said hello to him when i have seen him but we have not spoken any more about it. so yes, he knows and they both planned this golf wind up party at their home... maybe they thought i would show up and all would be as before..but geesh..i watched the affair for years and i can't bear the thought of watching them look at each other one more time. maybe i should give me head a shake..they made a mistake now let's all move on.. that is what i wrestle with
So what are you going to do? What is your plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by IntuitionGMH
.i watched the affair for years and i can't bear the thought of watching them look at each other one more time. maybe i should give me head a shake..they made a mistake now let's all move on.. that is what i wrestle with

I think you know the answer to that. The reason you are "wresting" is because you can't "move on." Your conflict avoidance and "sweep it under the carpet" approach doesn't work and won't ever work. Your emotions are telling you something is very wrong and you should pay attention.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Wouldn't you have "moved on" if you could do that? You have been trying to "move on" [ignore the problem] for years to no avail.

How is that working for you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Hi, welcome back, but I'm sorry for the reason that brought you back. I am VERY HAPPY though that you did come back, and as I'm sure that you've seen, all of us are still willing to help. smile

A few select (easy) exposure targets will not work. If you do not plan to do a full exposure including exposing to your close golf friends, then there is not much that we can say to help. You will truly have to "pick your poison" for the rest of your life. frown

DO you plan to expose and move away? Because if you won't move, it's back to pick your poison. Plus you need to expose to the husband again. It is possible and highly likely that he thinks that all has ended between the two of them.

Can you please catch us up to date on a few things:

Has your husband quit drinking?

Is he totally transparent with you, and has he stopped sending flirty text messages to women?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
K, i am not sure what "pick your poison means".. help me with that please. He has started drinking again. Yes he has stopped sending flirty test messages to women. I am ready to leave him as I don't feel any love or support from him. I want to so badly as we have been married 17 years but it has always been about him and always will. I was always, what I thought, strong..hey..i can ignore this cause i know who i am..but i don't want to do that any more. I think of the song.. Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye..but.. you know..I don't think he cares... I do...but I think I just keep waiting for a glimmer of hope..we did have some good years but basically he always blames any woman he has been with..(I am wife number 3)... I guess I feel like the loser here.. He has the love of his children and I have lost my parents.. and my family lives far away.. I feel like i have to start all over again..but.. hey..i guess i can do it.. age 65 and a new adventure.. Yah..if i had my career and a decent income i would not be hanging around.. that is an issue..finances.. But.. I guess I will have to trust that the universe has something better for me.. I feel so conflicted..depressed.. pathetic.. Not at all who i was when I married him for sure..


Love ME now.
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 41
does anyone suggest that i expose and stay, or should i expose and leave..? i can go to our other house until we work things out one way or the other... he will be so pissed that i exposed him..i don't think he will get over that and will use it against me in our divorce settlement.


Love ME now.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
The only reason you should stay under any circumstances is if he goes NC with the OW, and implements all other EP's including moving, to protect your marriage and what is left of your mental health.

It does not sound like he has any interest in doing any of that, and doesn't seem to give a hoot about your mental health.

Expose and separate. You will feel so much better when you do.

Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5