Do any of you know much about boarderline personally disorder? I have been reading a lot of articles on it and bipolar disorder. It seems there is a very clear linkage between that and infidelity. My ww has always displayed characteristics that match the bpd.
YES! but, I recommend that you don't go down this path on this board... it will be a huge distraction from your ultimate goal... saving your marriage!
Things I have learned to pass on ( I am just going through the same thing you are right now):
* A WS and someone with BPD are very similar.. the extreme selfishness and all the behaviors are similar. Don't get too distracted trying to "diagnose" your WW.
* Things that were helpful to me as I did research on dealing with BPD which are also helpful for plan A... do not take the behavior of your WS spouse personally and avoid being disrespectful at all costs. Do not suggest that your WS needs help.. it won't work. Learn to detach your emotions from hers.. .don't let her negativity bring you down.. learn to stay positive and cheerful no matter how she acts.
* Going "no contact" is very common for BPD and it was also what happened with my WS, it might also be typically "FOG " behavior, you can't tell. My WS got a new phone and blocked me from it. Don't worry too much.. given that you have children, I think the contact and opportunities for plan A will come back... they did in my case, but it took about 6 months.
* As with dealing with a BPD a good concept you can use with plan A is learning how to NOT argue with your WS. I still struggle with this because the things she says are so far out in left field. No matter how factually incorrect and "blaming", always / never, the conversation is, think about the emotion that they are trying to express and how you can show empathy and you are willing to listen without fighting back or being defensive. You do not need to agree with all their facts to avoid the temptation to fight back. I have also learned that on this board as well as books on loving a BPD.
One thing that I have learned to say... rather than argue about incorrect statements from the past... "you never did this for me etc..", I just reply by saying "I am sorry if you have ever felt uncared for in the past but I am here for you now to meet whatever needs you have as best I can. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to do that".. my WS will always say to that "it's too late now" or "that would have been nice 4 years ago"... to that I just respond " I am here for you now"... just as the posters on this board have recommended.. she will be likely to turn you down at every corner, but Keep doing it.
If you can learn to do all these things and do not diagnose or try to tell your WW that she has some kind of disorder.. whether she is BPD or this is just part of the FOG... you will still be doing all the right things for plan A. Remember that your plan A is something that you can control but whatever personality disorder your WS may or may not have is something that you cannot control.
Also remember that we are all wired to have an affair so the link to BPD is going to be hard to make.
The other thing that I have learned is that when you do make contact again... all the negativity, rejections, and selfishness that you get from the WW will start withdrawing your love bank for her quickly. I have actually started to hate my WW through plan A.. which is one of the difficult things. I keep reminding myself to ignore my instincts and think about what is the right "plan A" thing to do in this situation.