I understand. It is very hard to break such bad habits. But it is harder to have a bad marriage. That is what we are trying to help you change. Conflict avoidance, secrecy, dishonesty are all very bad habits. No time like the present to change bad habits.

Assuming we get all this honesty and conflict behind us, we do have a great UA opportunity this Sunday as my son will be at a sports camp for most of the day (parents are not allowed! Yay!) Any suggestions for something romantic to do during the day time? I will take her out to a restaurant but not from 10a-3p... She's not a big movie fan either.

Ice skating

Thanks, but we both suck at it and the only rink around here is reserved for ice hockey games on weekends...
Any other ideas?

I would keep the date to about 3 hours so you don't wear her out. Your dates will be uneasy at first so you don't want to make them too long. What does she really enjoy doing?

What about going out to a really nice brunch and then following up with something she likes doing? Such as house tours, museums, etc.

What does she like? Art? Music? Outdoors? Go for a walk in the park or along the greenway. Or bike the greenway. Go for a long drive with music playing. Tour a historic building. take a cooking class. Take her to a museum, the zoo, or some other interesting location. Shopping for music or books. Dancing. Coffee.

I haven't read your whole thread recently so I'm just trying to get you thinking. You weren't always this boring as a date. Think harder.

Great idea! There is a famous local house tour that she mentioned before. She loves to watch HGTV. I'll pitch that idea and see if it floats.

I followed indiegirl's advice instead, and discussed the letters with my MIL. MIL was as shocked as I was. She didn't know the full extent of the affair, as WW redacted significant details. I chose this route because MIL is a very strong influence with WW, they talk everyday, 365 days a year.
She had OM's parents info and called them and read them the riot act, and called OM and warned him to never contact WW again. Her Exposure OM's side was better than I could ever have pulled off, because she had met OM's parents previously when OM and WW were dating before I came into the picture. Her words have a lot more weight than me, a stranger calling.
We are working on a plan to effectively kill the affair in WW's head and for me to discuss the suicide letters with WW...

That is good to have your MIL on your side. Did you thank her?

Does your WW know yet?

Yes, of course I thanked her. She is still upset that I did the Exposure, but I think with the mounting evidence I've given her she is beginning to see the necessity.
No, not yet, I haven't talked to MIL yet, she told me to wait for her to coordinate.

Lots to update on my situation... This is going to be long, sorry!
I'm halfway through "His Needs, Her Needs." It is an excellent book! I wish I had read it when I first got married. It really fit my situation (and I'm sure most who turn to this website) to a glove.
My MIL has not returned my phone calls after the revelation of the letters and other details I had found further on WW's EA. I think she may be too embarrassed by the actions of her daughter to talk to me about them. So I decided it was best I talk to WW directly. I sat down and shared my plans based on MB with WW but she became very defensive and combative. She still blames me for the Exposure. I told her it is very important to have honesty between us.
I then showed her the letters I found. She said they were written so long ago she "doesn't remember their content." However, she was definitely jarred by the fact I found them. I explained these things showed us how important it was for me to Expose the EA, to get things out in the open. Her excuse was, "it was a very sad time in my life, and well, I never sent them, did I?" She then started sobbing and shut down. I sat with her for about an hour while she teared and she became almost catatonic. She kept fidgeting and played with the letters, folding them into halves and eighths repeatedly, saying nothing. I asked her to be honest about the affair but she wouldn't. She finally mentioned a lot of it was just "in her head" and claimed that the OM wasn't the initiator. The email trails I found did seem to agree with that, although it was in October this year the emails turned a lot more emotional (and I think the OM started encouraging her to leave me). Prior to that they actually shared pictures of his and our children and talked about kids' movies. She explained she never had a plan to be with OM and it was just a fantasy. However, she refuses to discuss more details about the EA and just had tears for the next hour.
I let her be for awhile to work through her shut down state. I then told her I love her and I want us to work through this mess, and MB is the best way for us to move forward. She was still resistant and ended the day sleeping in our guest room again.
The next we took our son to the sports camp. I followed the excellent plan suggested by Melody and took her to a very nice restaurant for brunch. She loved the place and the food! I explained what I'm learning from MB and how it could help us. She was quiet throughout, but I think it got to her. After brunch we took a walk to a store nearby that was having an after-Christmas sale on ornaments. She loves these types of stores so we spent a good hour shopping together and laughing at some of the outlandish ornaments that were half-off. We then went to the house tour as suggested and it worked out beautifully, she loved the tour as well, these things are right up her alley. We spent an hour talking at a cafe afterwards and I could see my deposits filling up her Love Bank! She let me hold her hands a few times and put my arms around her, and I gave her a foot massage before sleeping.
When it was time to go to bed, I asked her to come back to our master bedroom but she refused. She said, "Every time one of my friends emailed or texts me to talk about the affair it makes me sad and mad!" Two of her friends tried to reach out to her during these last few days and she told them she's not ready to talk to them (I know because I'm monitoring everything surreptitiously now!)
My question now is, how do I get her to move beyond the Exposure and her shame? I think that's the last thing that is really blocking us from our path to Recovery. The friends have also contacted me and I told them to hold off for now, wait for WW to initiate when she is ready.
I am still executing on Plan A and I see the small rewards and deposits, but it is excruciatingly slow. I told her I loved her this morning and I was able to hold her hands and get very close to kissing her lips (I got the cheeks instead).
Do I just need to be more patient and wait for her to come back from the guest bedroom one day?
Thanks for your advice in advance!

Call them back and ask them to reach out to her. The WHOLE POINT of exposure is to splash a dose of reality onto the affair. Why would you negate the benefit of exposure by telling them not to reach out to her? There really isnt any point in exposure if they do not reach out to her or she - at least - knows they know. Don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory when you are ahead.

Contact her mother too, and ask her to discuss her thoughts with her daughter about the letters.


You are already done with Surviving an Affair? Are you following the program described in SAA? This should be your BIBLE right now. Is there a reason you are reading the HNHN at this crucial time?

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None of this is blocking your recovery. What is blocking your recovery is her addiction to the OM. But, she can go through withdrawal if you continue to splash reality on her affair. But you prevent that from happening when you tell people not to call her.

The more reality, the less the fog. She is still angry about exposure becuase she is still in the fog.

I want to emphasize that the goal here is to save your marriage, it is NOT to avoid your wife's anger at all cost. She is supposed to be upset and angry about exposure. That only means that you made a direct hit on the affair. That is a GOOD THING, not a bad thing. The more upset, the greater the blow to the affair.

Very good point. They are calling her but she is not taking their calls. I will encourage them to continue to try to reach her.
MIL is not returning my calls for some reason. I will try again.

Good man!!

Yes, I am done with SAA. I've been following SAA's advice and cutting her off on OM.
I started reading HNHN and found it to be very valid and useful to see what I was doing wrong. But I'm focused on following SAA at this point. I was using HNHN to sell WW on the vision of our marriage in the future.

gotcha!

Contacted the friends who were rebuffed recently. They said they will try again. One was a bit apprehensive that WW will push her away if she comes on too strongly (she had already left a voicemail, emailed, and texted WW). I told her I want her to be comfortable with whatever her approach is but she will help break through WW's fantasy.