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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
No, they are both public, so not possible.


Can you be more specific?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Accessed by multiple people in her department


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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You might want to keep your eyes peeled for a secret cell phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Believe me, I've got my eyes peeled for that since D-Day... No signs of it at all, and I've been very thorough this time around.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Good man!! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
I'm positive there has been no contact between her and OM. I have everything monitored and I'm around her whenever I'm off work. The only possibility is if she is using work phone or email to communicate, which I find impossible for her to actually do.

Why would that be impossible? Are you monitoring her work phone and email because that is typically the way that waywards communicate. She sounds very much like she is still in touch with her boyfriend.
You have got to place yourself in her position and think about how you would work it. For instance, could she be accessing a secret email account from another location such as a public library, or does she have a secret burner phone? The fact is, with a minimal effort, she can get the upper hand on this. There really is no way you can be certain.


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Do you have a VAR in her vehicle?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, of course, we can go down the rabbit's hole and there are a zillion possibilities. Any time a person is out of your sight there's a possibility, isn't there? I have a demanding full-time job so I cannot be following her around all day (I'm doing that already with a GPS, so she's not going to the library). But with the intervention by MIL on both my WW and OM and his families, and Exposure to her friends and OM's friends, I seriously doubt that. My MIL was deeply shamed by WW's emails and she told WW she will kill herself if she talks to OM again! She is also not that technically proficient, she needed my help to set up her phone, email account, etc. Believe me, once bitten, twice shy. I'll never be complacent again!
So let's focus on the main issue here, which is her reluctance to enter Recovery. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can ever get over the Exposure. I was very successful and contacted all her friends, so she says now she has no friends left. She said she hates email and social media now, she's scared to look at her phone because she might get yet another message from a concerned friend asking to talk to her about the Affair. So far she has avoided talking to any of her friends except one, and I don't believe she talked to her in depth about it either. She is reluctant to talk to her mom about it.
I'm doing the best Plan A I can under the circumstances, we had a pleasant evening last night and I think it is progressing. Like others on this forum mentioned, I may just expecting too much progress too soon. (WW said that too). But she did ask to give her a week to let me know... That comment is what is bothering me, what difference would a week make? There are no significant events around then...?
Haven't heard back from MB about an appointment with Dr. Chalmers. I will follow up with them today.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
So let's focus on the main issue here, which is her reluctance to enter Recovery. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can ever get over the Exposure. I was very successful and contacted all her friends, so she says now she has no friends left. She said she hates email and social media now, she's scared to look at her phone because she might get yet another message from a concerned friend asking to talk to her about the Affair. So far she has avoided talking to any of her friends except one, and I don't believe she talked to her in depth about it either. She is reluctant to talk to her mom about it.

You could make all your social media accounts represent you both.

One of my good couple friends have a Facebook account that represents them both. Maybe your wife could tolerate it if you start posting some pictures of you both and changed the name of your Facebook to both your names (Facebook does not technically allow an account to represent two people, but you can make your first name like BOBandMary Johnson). She would see some of her old friends start to like the pictures of you two, and your friends would start to like them too. Make her start to believe, "Hey, maybe this can work after all"

Also, with your social media representing you both, it would satisfy many of Dr. Harley's ideas (POJA, etc). You both would only post things you both agree to post, you both could see what each other is "liking", chatting with, etc.

Just some thoughts for you smile

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 01/15/16 12:00 PM.
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By the way, I read about Cheaterville on the forum from posts a while ago. Is that site still working? How does it work?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
So let's focus on the main issue here, which is her reluctance to enter Recovery. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can ever get over the Exposure. I was very successful and contacted all her friends, so she says now she has no friends left. She said she hates email and social media now, she's scared to look at her phone because she might get yet another message from a concerned friend asking to talk to her about the Affair. So far she has avoided talking to any of her friends except one, and I don't believe she talked to her in depth about it either. She is reluctant to talk to her mom about it.

You could make all your social media accounts represent you both.

One of my good couple friends have a Facebook account that represents them both. Maybe your wife could tolerate it if you start posting some pictures of you both and changed the name of your Facebook to both your names (Facebook does not technically allow an account to represent two people, but you can make your first name like BOBandMary Johnson). She would see some of her old friends start to like the pictures of you two, and your friends would start to like them too. Make her start to believe, "Hey, maybe this can work after all"

Also, with your social media representing you both, it would satisfy many of Dr. Harley's ideas (POJA, etc). You both would only post things you both agree to post, you both could see what each other is "liking", chatting with, etc.

Just some thoughts for you smile

Just for the record, Prisca and I did that. Then after merging our accounts she had an affair with one of my Facebook "friends."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
You could make all your social media accounts represent you both.

Good point, but she didn't carry on her online affair using social media, it was all through email and phone calls. She is upset by FB now because I exposed it using her FB contacts to her friends, so every time she gets a notification from FB she is afraid that it's yet another friend asking about the Affair. It is more a stick to her than a carrot. She didn't friend OM on FB as she knew I would have caught her easily before.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Posts: 339
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Originally Posted by markos
Just for the record, Prisca and I did that. Then after merging our accounts she had an affair with one of my Facebook "friends."

Ah. Well, I guess it was not the best advice then...

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Ah. Well, I guess it was not the best advice then...

The old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
The solution is to eliminate the will.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
The old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
The solution is to eliminate the will.

According to Dr. Harley that is not the solution. Willpower doesn't work. We would all have an affair in certain circumstances, and none of us would have an affair in other circumstances. The solution is to avoid the circumstances that make an affair possible.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Ah. Well, I guess it was not the best advice then...

The old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
The solution is to eliminate the will.
Dr. Harley says to eliminate all avenues that were used to facilitate the affair. If she used email and such it's best to eliminate all social media also.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, that's what I meant, eliminate the circumstances that generate the will.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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What about my question about Cheaterville?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
What about my question about Cheaterville?
To post OM on it?? Dr. Harvey definitely recommends posting the affair partner on those sites.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
The old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
The solution is to eliminate the will.

According to Dr. Harley that is not the solution. Willpower doesn't work. We would all have an affair in certain circumstances, and none of us would have an affair in other circumstances. The solution is to avoid the circumstances that make an affair possible.

Exactly. I have a very strong will to never have an affair again. It would destroy my life.

But ...

I don't dare rely on my will. Instead, we created a lifestyle that would make an affair impossible for either of us.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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