Hello All..

I found out four months ago that my husband of five years was having an affair with whom I thought was my best friend. My husband & I both come from a previous marriage where both ended due to cheating (both of us being the victim). In my eyes, he was perfect in every form. We both had trust issues coming into our marriage, mine worse than his. I always made little remarks about him cheating and leaving me, yet he never gave me a reason to actually think he would. It was me being insecure with myself, feeling like I never measured up to his views of me, or anyone else's for that matter. Before I found out about the affair, he came to me & asked if we could go to counseling, I laughed & said he was crazy. I thought we were that perfect couple. I was obviously wrong.

It took a month of pure hell trying to do & say whatever I could to get him & her to confess. I was pushed so low I began to have suicidal thoughts. He finally confessed on a Friday night & it still me a week to get all the details out, even meeting with my friend & her husband. He says that he knew if he told me about it from the very beginning that I would leave him & he didn't want to be alone so he continued the affair. I personally think this is just an excuse. He says he just wasn't in his right mind & was being selfish. In a matter of 48 hrs they had their whole future planned out. (We also have three children, ages 12, 3 & 1). We have been in counseling now for almost three months & it seems to help during that time, but then I get home & my mind just starts wondering. He says the affair is over, he wants his marriage & is willing to do the work. I'd say right now, the problem is me. I can't let it go. The thoughts consume my mind & then I bring it up or make comments and it is like taking three steps forward & fifty back. We live in a small town, so it isn't helping there are reminders of her all the time that will trigure my mind. I can be doing so good then BAM! I'll see a car in town that looks like hers, or see her driving & it just all comes back. Im so angry right now & have been stuck here for weeks now. It seems impossible to get over. I bring up divorce & he begs me to stay & not leave him that he KNOWS I can get past this and we will be stronger. My reply to that is yea, just like you KNEW I would leave you if you told me the truth about the affair. I love him & I do not WANT a divorce. I often think though that it is best for all of us. Im always in the worst mood, trying to fake a smile for the kids just to get the day over with. Im so tired of being angry, this is not the person I want to be because I grew up with a Mother like that.

Just wanted to share my story...

Thanks.

Hello ANewME, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The reason you can't get over this is becuase you are not safe. If you are seeing the OW around town, then so is he. That means that his feelings for the OW will be perpetually triggered and you are facing years of an on again, off again affair unless you move. Of course you are insecure, because you see the threat. The threat is very real!!

There is a very strict path to recovery and the first step is to affair proof your marriage. Right now it is at great risk and until this threat is removed, you are facing a resumption of this affair or a new one. I will post the checklist in the next post.


It is more than an excuse. He was saying he was willing to trick you into staying married to him based on a lie. He denied you the right to make a decision about your life for his own selfish purposes.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I would love to move & he will too; however, the problem arises when the Mom in me comes out. We moved over a year ago so he could be closer to his work & my son (who is his step-son) ended up getting bullied at the new school & had the worst experience ever. We ended up moving back two months later. I just don't see how he (my son) could handle another move. He just shuts down whenever he hears us talk about moving. I never looked at the whole excuse issue from that point of view. He says after counseling he knows his feelings for her were not real, it was strictly infatuation. Once again, I do not believe this. She made it very clear, even in front of her husband that she literally forced herself to not fall in love with my husband because deep down she knew he would never leave me.

...

Will your children be able to handle your divorce? Because as long as there is contact with OW (even if it is in passing cars), full recovery will be impossible.

And OW, if she wasn't in love with your husband, why did she cheat, just for the fun of hurting you to the bone? Telling that she forced herself not to fall in love is fogbabble.

That's fine as long as your kids can handle divorce because that is where you are headed. You will come to a point of no return if you don't take this advice now. Your marriage will not ever recover as long as the OW is hanging around. Infatuation is REAL, very real and he will be triggered every time he sees her. His feelings were real enough for your husband to have an affair. It will be real enough to happen again.

As long as the opportunity and the temptation are right in front of him, he can pursue his affair at any time. And he will be tempted on a regular basis. It is like sending the "recovering" alcoholic into the bar every day and expecting him to stay sober. Since the alcohol stays top of mind he eventually gives into the temptation because the opportunity is right in front of him.

So sorry you are here but welcome.

The other posters are correct - you will not recover under these conditions. This is a topic that has been covered on the radio show many times by Dr Harley and those of us who read and post here on the forums have seen many couples try to stay in an area of close proximity to the OP (some not even anywhere as close as you) and it never works out.

This is very fixable but right now, you are on a painful path to divorce...

A death of a thousand cuts...