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Originally Posted By: typicalman

I don't believe she could simply declare that she will stop paying the mortgage... that just doesn't sound right.


My XH did exactly that. Because I was not employed, I had to take the money out of my IRA. The court did precisely . . . nothing.


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Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted By: zibbles
A question for you and something to ponder. Is it possible that one of the things your wife didn't like about the marriage was a lack of financial partnership? You've made references about lots of bills being in her name, her having all the financial info/passwords, the importance she placed on her credit, etc. These strike me as signs that you were letting her take the lead with the finances. You were dependent on her to manage and organize this part of your lives, which may have contributed to her losing her love for you.


My wife is the primary on all of our accounts for two reasons:
1) she does not like snail mail, I love snail mail - so she set up all the direct debits.

2) I made her the primary on everything. I always wanted her to know that she was my everything. She knew this. I also always thought that I would be the "one to mess up" and I told her I want her to be able to have it all in case that happened. *irony overload!


Originally Posted By: zibbles

Is there any way you can rent the house out or put it up for sale? Handling the finances with maturity on your end might help win you some respect. It's a good plan A move. I personally don't think you should use the house as a 'stick'. It would be different if you were the big breadwinner and the one handling the money up to this point. If she were dependent on you for money, you could use money as a stick but there are hints in your thread that suggest the opposite, that you are dependent on her financially. Letting it all fall apart will only reinforce the idea that you are not a good partner financially.

In addition, letting the house go into foreclosure HURTS YOU. It sounds like you have a bit of debt from college, etc already. Protect yourself here.


Its a violation of the TRO to put the house up for sale. I could rent it, but then I have no where to live. Also, who signs a lease on the basis that "oh by the way, my psychotic wayward wife may come back a throw you out - or at least break through a window... just for your information"


I did not mean to make it sound like we were not a financial "team" we are in a situation where we have never missed a payment on anything - but we are living in a situation that requires two incomes. Before the affair our income was probably 60% her and 40% me. Her job in SC pays way less than the one she had though, so it'd be more like 70% me and 30% her. Of course if she came back she would have go into a completely different job path... No business trips or anything like that.

Foreclosure only hurts me a little bit I suppose... My credit takes a hit but I am young. We both have great credit, albeit hers is better.

I have thought about it all. Would it be a good idea for me to pay for everything? the house? the cars? the car insurance? Maybe... But we made financial decisions that required two incomes. I could afford it and be miserable, she used to be able to afford it, now probably can't and will need OM's help. She has responsibilities here in Ohio, her fantasy was she was going to walk away from it all and start over... WRONG.

I pay all the things I am the primary on still... gas, electric, cable & internet, student loans, water and my phone now.

IF anything has her name on it, with me as the secondary, I have completely left it on her, to pressure that relationship. What OM wants to pay bills he does not have with money he could be using to buy married women drinks with at the bar ???

sorry if I sound defensive zibbles. I appreciate what you are saying...


I think you are taking the right course of action, WC.

You've got a dream team of SMB, HPB and MrW helping you, I really trust any advice they would give you - they never steered me wrong and helped me navigate several legal/wayward issues.

Also, (and, zibbles, this is not directed towards you...I know you were referring more to how he handle his finances now!) I truly believe deep in my heart that your WW is very much like my ex WH (and I don't say this lightly to anybody) You could have been doing everything 100% correctly in your M but with her loose boundaries, she still would have ended up in this affair. Dr Harley also believed your WW was happy in the M at the time of the A. Don't end up beating yourself up for things you could have done differently - that's not healthy for you right now.

Anyway, hang in there, you sound much better than you did a few weeks ago.


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Originally Posted By: SusieQ


I think you are taking the right course of action, WC.

You've got a dream team of SMB, HPB and MrW helping you, I really trust any advice they would give you - they never steered me wrong and helped me navigate several legal/wayward issues.

Also, (and, zibbles, this is not directed towards you...I know you were referring more to how he handle his finances now!) I truly believe deep in my heart that your WW is very much like my ex WH (and I don't say this lightly to anybody) You could have been doing everything 100% correctly in your M but with her loose boundaries, she still would have ended up in this affair. Dr Harley also believed your WW was happy in the M at the time of the A. Don't end up beating yourself up for things you could have done differently - that's not healthy for you right now.

Anyway, hang in there, you sound much better than you did a few weeks ago.


SuzieQ thanks for checking in. I am doing much better (I think). I do have some very awesome supporters.

And I still have only paid my attorney $1k smile

I told my Atty today that I would appreciate if he lets my wifes Atty know I'm filing taxes "Married/seperate" so she can make appropriate arrangements.

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Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist

SuzieQ thanks for checking in. I am doing much better (I think). I do have some very awesome supporters.


*foot in mouth - Warning, normal anger and venting incoming. mad


Wow am I mad. Bad day at work - unrelated to this martial conflict - has led me to coming in late after dinner. I will probably be in the lab all night. I just clocked in again at like 11:30pm and I will probably be leaving normal time tomorrow (4-5:30pm ish). That is not why I am angry... In fact, its not all that bad at work. Some of my analysts that I supervise really messed up today so I am playing damage control at work.

But, the overnight work today and extra toll on my body is just thrown me into a complete angry fit. I am so mad at my wife because I need help around the house. When I work late or extra hours now, I have no help! My dogs need attention. I have so much laundry I was planning on completing tonight. I wanted to clean around the house... but I can't! Everything gets cleaned up half as fast now (albeit the messes accumulate half as fast too). I went home after work to let the dogs out and get some dinner (skipped lunch at work today) and they had got into the trash... so I am cleaning that up - just fuming in angry as my wife just vacations with OM in SC. Its like -5 degrees outside and she is in South Carolina where they are still getting mid 50s. It rains every other day it seems and the dogs track mud inside, so I have to clean that up... I have zero groceries in the house...

It was supposed to be a team effort! We agreed to maintain all this together! When she works late, I do the laundry, dishes and take the dogs for a walk... When I work late she did the same. Now, I work and the freaking house falls apart?! I get home exhausted from work and stress of all this and the work cannot be divided up, because there is only one - me.

I vented to SMB today that I want to call my attorney and request to the Judge/Magistrate that they throw out my wife's divorce request to replace it with mine - one that says "Adultery committed by wife" instead of "Incompatibility." For the first time I am just absolutely livid pissed about this whole thing...

She abandoned me to go do Lord knows what, and I am left here cleaning up the life that we created - the life meant to have two people working together. During this marriage, one thing that always got mentioned by my wife and her dad was how much more "mature" she was than me. Her dad was always telling me "My daughter is 10 years ahead of everyone her age in maturity." Well, if I ever saw him again I would say "Your daughter is acting like a freaking 3 year old at Walmart crying that she can't get a box of Oreos." I am so far ahead of her in maturity its silly now... And every day I am just distancing myself in that department.

So... here I am at work... about to go 16-17 hours straight. I did not want to try to do that with all this on my heart. I am mad. I feel like it needed documented. I feel better already typing it. I am going to just turn on my KLove and zone out here at work. She does not deserve the real estate in my head right now...

And I hope POSOM, I don't know, trips and falls down at work or something... ugh.


*decompresses slightly...

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I am kinda amazed it took you this long to get to the anger stage. lol. I was at it very early on.

I remember seeing a mug from my WxH's workplace (a career that took him years to be qualified for that I help him achieve - a career that fed his OS admiration needs and made his A possible)...it triggered immense anger and I walked outside and smashed it on the drive way. I'm not suggesting you do this! But this happened in the first couple weeks after dday. (Now this story makes me laugh)

If you are like me, you will vacillate between this, frustration and sadness for a little while. Hang in there, WC.


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Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist

SuzieQ thanks for checking in. I am doing much better (I think). I do have some very awesome supporters.


*foot in mouth - Warning, normal anger and venting incoming. mad


Wow am I mad. Bad day at work - unrelated to this martial conflict - has led me to coming in late after dinner. I will probably be in the lab all night. I just clocked in again at like 11:30pm and I will probably be leaving normal time tomorrow (4-5:30pm ish). That is not why I am angry... In fact, its not all that bad at work. Some of my analysts that I supervise really messed up today so I am playing damage control at work.

But, the overnight work today and extra toll on my body is just thrown me into a complete angry fit. I am so mad at my wife because I need help around the house. When I work late or extra hours now, I have no help! My dogs need attention. I have so much laundry I was planning on completing tonight. I wanted to clean around the house... but I can't! Everything gets cleaned up half as fast now (albeit the messes accumulate half as fast too). I went home after work to let the dogs out and get some dinner (skipped lunch at work today) and they had got into the trash... so I am cleaning that up - just fuming in angry as my wife just vacations with OM in SC. Its like -5 degrees outside and she is in South Carolina where they are still getting mid 50s. It rains every other day it seems and the dogs track mud inside, so I have to clean that up... I have zero groceries in the house...

It was supposed to be a team effort! We agreed to maintain all this together! When she works late, I do the laundry, dishes and take the dogs for a walk... When I work late she did the same. Now, I work and the freaking house falls apart?! I get home exhausted from work and stress of all this and the work cannot be divided up, because there is only one - me.

I vented to SMB today that I want to call my attorney and request to the Judge/Magistrate that they throw out my wife's divorce request to replace it with mine - one that says "Adultery committed by wife" instead of "Incompatibility." For the first time I am just absolutely livid pissed about this whole thing...

She abandoned me to go do Lord knows what, and I am left here cleaning up the life that we created - the life meant to have two people working together. During this marriage, one thing that always got mentioned by my wife and her dad was how much more "mature" she was than me. Her dad was always telling me "My daughter is 10 years ahead of everyone her age in maturity." Well, if I ever saw him again I would say "Your daughter is acting like a freaking 3 year old at Walmart crying that she can't get a box of Oreos." I am so far ahead of her in maturity its silly now... And every day I am just distancing myself in that department.

So... here I am at work... about to go 16-17 hours straight. I did not want to try to do that with all this on my heart. I am mad. I feel like it needed documented. I feel better already typing it. I am going to just turn on my KLove and zone out here at work. She does not deserve the real estate in my head right now...

And I hope POSOM, I don't know, trips and falls down at work or something... ugh.

*decompresses slightly...



I thought your mom was going to help with the dogs?

Can she come to your house sometime?
Maybe help with the laundry?

Just trying to problem solve, WC. If these questions seem intrusive....I apologize.


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Originally Posted By: OlderWiser


I thought your mom was going to help with the dogs?

Can she come to your house sometime?
Maybe help with the laundry?

Just trying to problem solve, WC. If these questions seem intrusive....I apologize.


Older. I don't find these intrusive at all thanks for asking.

My mom has really bad back problems and been in and out of the hospital a lot recently. Additionally she has been in "detox" from her alcoholism she decided to quit recently. My mom adds a ton of extra stress to my life.

I do take my dogs over to her house a few times a week, but she cannot really travel so its hard to ask her to come to my house. If I alternate days (one at hers, one left at mine) with the dogs, they usually sleep at mine and tire themselves out at hers (with her two dogs and 5 acres). But, in the instance I work 15 hours, they just get restless and get into trouble.

As my mom gets healthier, she might be able to let them out for lunch and play with them a little bit. She would love to do my laundry I am sure, but I can't get myself to allow her to. I am adult, I do not want mommy doing my laundry.

I just got mad the other day, convinced myself that everything was her fault - down to the dogs... haha

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Checked the public docket again today - my wife filed a few things, no .pdfs yet.

Can anyone educate me one what a Lave to Appear in Abstentia is?

Does that mean the attorney is just going to represent her and she is not going to show up?

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Originally Posted By: WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted By: OlderWiser


I thought your mom was going to help with the dogs?

Can she come to your house sometime?
Maybe help with the laundry?

Just trying to problem solve, WC. If these questions seem intrusive....I apologize.


Older. I don't find these intrusive at all thanks for asking.

My mom has really bad back problems and been in and out of the hospital a lot recently. Additionally she has been in "detox" from her alcoholism she decided to quit recently. My mom adds a ton of extra stress to my life.

I do take my dogs over to her house a few times a week, but she cannot really travel so its hard to ask her to come to my house. If I alternate days (one at hers, one left at mine) with the dogs, they usually sleep at mine and tire themselves out at hers (with her two dogs and 5 acres). But, in the instance I work 15 hours, they just get restless and get into trouble.

As my mom gets healthier, she might be able to let them out for lunch and play with them a little bit. She would love to do my laundry I am sure, but I can't get myself to allow her to. I am adult, I do not want mommy doing my laundry.

I just got mad the other day, convinced myself that everything was her fault - down to the dogs... haha


Thanks for clarifying that, WC. I didn't realize your mom was having a bad way, too.

As far as laundry, I usually put mine in to wash cycle right before I go to bed....that way it's being done while I rest - :P I put clothes in dryer while I shower in the morning....seems easier to handle laundry right out of the shower, since I am "handling" clothes anyway (ie: getting dressed!). lol

As far as the dogs, I had a similar situation when WH left. We had six very large dogs in dog runs in our yard (we had literally been living in our new "dream home" for 1 month when he left). I was left with all the bills as well as taking care, cleaning, etc. for the new 1-acre yard and all the dogs. I found someone to do the yard and someone else to come over and care for them while I was at work....it wasn't a professional or anything, so it wasn't outrageously priced, but a young woman who did it for a very reasonable price. Maybe you can find a young man in your neighborhood who would dog-walk for you on your long days at work? Check with the local churches nearby. They could probably recommend someone trustworthy.

The gentleman who became my yard man was the husband of a colleague from work, and he was just starting out his lawn business, so he gave me a great rate.

Again, just trying to think outside the box for you! Trying to help alleviate some of your stress....we all know what it feels like to be left holding the bag. When your WS is cavorting all over creation, they seem not to remember about all the responsibilities they left behind and what it means for YOU!

Last edited by OlderWiser; 01/23/16 09:18 AM.

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Here's a little update for you all...

Firstly - I started a small business with a friend selling health and wellness products. This is to replace the time in the evenings I would have generally spent doing unattractive things such as video games or TV. Additionally, its flexible enough that I could easily step away from it if WW comes back and I need to commit to UA and recovery steps. I thought, why not replace that unattractive time spent with something that could earn me some residual income. Also, I love the products and I genuinely feel better one them. I think it makes me not only look more mature, but also it is showing initiative in improving my future - whether it be with my wife or another (I still cringe a little at statements like that frown )

Secondly - I have been offered the head coach position at my high school program. Its a position I have sought after for many years - we are a quite decorated program with many state titles. I explained to the coaching staff (who ironically were my staff when I wrestled there) about my martial situation. I told them that my marriage was preformed well when I was a coach and it wasn't until I stepped away that it went "south". It is likely irrelevant, however, now I am in a situation where if I commit to this, and WW comes back, UA may become difficult to schedule. But, I was thinking, she loved wrestling! She could help me with book keeping, stats, heck even coaching (she knows more than most of the local coaches lol!). I don't know though... They were extremely understanding and one of my coaches recommended a book to me that leads me into my third point.

With those two points previously mentioned, lastly, I think I am going to start a 21 day fast. Structured around a book with a prayer journal and some guidance as to how to approach the fast. I just feel like I will get some clarity about some big decisions I might be making soon. I just don't want to rush into something just because I am trying to escape the stress of this divorce/affair. I want to be smart and make proper decisions.

Guys I will keep you all posted. I hope I can find some clarity in this mess... I do feel like reading back I have been all over the place - up, down, deciding one thing, cancelling and doing another etc. I just think a fast will do me wonders... slow down a bit, work on my relationship with God and make very educated, smart decisions.

I appreciate everything you guys do for me on here. I am so happy to have met up with you all, albeit, dark times brought me here...

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Guys - Looking for some advice....

She has been granted the motion to be absent from the pretrial (available by phone), and that: "The Plaintiff has relocated outside the state of Ohio and has new employment. It would be a hardship to travel back for the pretrial."
Like is our marriage so unimportant that she cannot even come back and divorce me properly?!

Anyways, SexyMamaBear suggested I could leverage this situation to my advantage - but neither her nor I really understand the dynamic of a pretrial. Maybe ask the community on here what kind of terms I should make, while my WW has opt'd out of coming back to speak for herself...

Anyone want to weigh in on this?

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Pretrials are nothing more than the judge checking on the status of the case like where are you at in discovery, what outstanding issues are there, any pending motions....mostly procedural. When I was practicing in your state, my clients never even went to the pretrials with me. Judges will also use it as an opportunity to push settlement. Of course, that's 25 years ago now and civil litigation not family.

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I have gone to family court many times on many different issues and all I can say it is very anti-climactic every time. You think you have grounds for the judge to yell at your WS, find things in your favor, blah blah and nothing ever happens.

I think family court judges are so desensitized to people fighitng and claiming all sorts of things on the other person....they really don't care and they don't really want to throw the book at a WS (or either party). Unless kids are involved and you can really demonstrate something is not being done in the best interest of the child, even then they don't really do anything (unless abuse or something somewhat extreme).

They just want people to settle their issues on their own as much as possible. I don't think they will force her to come back for things like pre-trial.


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Originally Posted By: SusieQ

They just want people to settle their issues on their own as much as possible. I don't think they will force her to come back for things like pre-trial.


I hate this frown

I talked with SMB and HPB again and I think I am going to try to get one last thing through to my wife's attorney before pretrial. Something along the lines of:
Come get the dogs you picked out or find them new homes. They have become too much for me to take care of alone. Please inform me what your plans are with them so I can decide whether they are appropriate or not.

I am leaving the house. If you have any desire to return to the house please tell me so I can have the utilities turned back on. It is too much for me to maintain alone. If you finally decide to end your affair, I will gladly resume the responsibilities we agreed on sharing *insert anniversary date*

Lastly, please remove your car from the street or its going to be impounded. It was the only car on the street in the most recent snow storm and its plates are expired. Additionally, I will no longer be at that house to watch over it while it sits out front. If you cannot afford both vehicles, I will take back the car you are driving and you can have this one.


That is rough, I am trying to work on word choice and ultimately plan my escape. HerPapaBear gave me some good advice that if she counters with something I can ultimately just say "Oh nevermind, I think I will stay here." or "Oh you cannot afford both cars, well keep trying to pay for them."

I do not have to actually follow through on anything, but it pressures her more if I do. I am actively looking for another living arrangement.

Its all really annoying but I think its time to start sticking her with some more hassles beyond finances. I guess if this goes all the way to the end, it would be nice to not have either car's debts or the mortgage to worry about... Just my student loans... just like when I graduated college...before I got married frown

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A good strategy is to state what will happen if she takes no action.

So with respect to the dogs it might be 'I plan to take them to the shelter on xyz date if you have not collected them by then'.

Something similar for the car.

Be sure to follow through, no empty threats!


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I would only advise that you do not make empty threats on any of what you communicate to her.

The shortness of your marriage (<5 years) means that your desire to end up with a property arrangement similar to how you entered the marriage is fairly likely. That's how judges often handle short marriages.

Your house will make things a bit more complicated but other than that it should be pretty cut and dry if things go that way. Are you both signed on the loan for the house?


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2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
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D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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Anything with her name on it (even if we are joint) I have ignored the payments for.

The house is jointly signed by us. The car she drives is jointly signed by us.

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Honestly I don't like the idea of that letter.

You tell her to come get the dogs then tell her she has to run their placement by you to see if you find it appropriate or not? That seem passive aggressive to me.

I would let any consequences slap her in the face as they come. She has an attorney and can figure things out.


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Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted By: black_raven
Honestly I don't like the idea of that letter.

You tell her to come get the dogs then tell her she has to run their placement by you to see if you find it appropriate or not? That seem passive aggressive to me.


I guess it was a little passive aggressive. I want her to think about these dogs she picked out. But if she says - I am taking them to the animal shelter and putting this in the kennel, I do not want that to happen.

I just don't know... ugh

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I agree on the do not threaten unless you intend to follow through, this is a must.

As far as the car, is it you AND her listed on title or you OR her. If it is OR, then sell it for $100 bucks to your buddy (wink, wink).

Seriously, i don't understand the complications on the property with the court. It should be straight forward, anything joint either sell and split proceeds or divide equally and remove names from deeds and titles.

Your attorney should be able to get a motion for temporary orders if you are in financial hardship and not able to pay everything especially since she is no longer contributing, at least to ensure that you have exclusive use of the house, car, pets and she is restricted. That is what I got.

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