DS has an after school program M-F that I can keep him there until 6pm if necessary. However, he is a very good athlete and has sports almost daily, so my WW takes him to practices almost everyday, and piano lessons once a week. My WW said she is willing to shuttle him around even on my days of custody and then bring him to my house after he is done. Last conversation however, she was upset about money issues where I stood my ground, so she threatened to not help me. She told me I can "go hire a nanny that will do it."

I can rely on the after school to keep him there until 6pm but it will be punishing my DS. He is in Sixth Grade now and is a Straight-A student (of which I am very proud, I tutor him frequently) but his middle school is very competitive and gives a lot of homework. Because most of his homework requires a computer he needs to be physically home in order to do it. Sometimes because of practice, he is up until 11pm doing his homework, which is tough on an 11 year old.

Thanks, I will check it out.

The only reason to change the locks is if you think she will come in and take things, not an uncommon practice. Otherwise, it is not a bad idea to have her come in the house. Its not that big of a deal when you are not in Plan B.

Yes, Melody, as usual I think you are right.
I will roll with it for now. No need to antagonize her just yet.

No one can offer you any guarantees if that is what you are looking for. What we can offer you is a program that gives you the best chance of reconciliation if it is even possible. Even so, no one can force your wife to do anything against her will. No one. That is an impossible expectation.

It sounds like you are shopping opinions, which only adds to the confusion. It is notable that you were willing to take advice from a man who went through a "bitter divorce." My suggestion would be to check out the qualifications and track record of these opinion givers when you consider their advice. The advice we are giving you here, exposure, Plan A, etc, comes from Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.

Hey Lost..

I commend you for being honest about your struggles.

When's the last time you read Wife Divorcing's thread, or Justthe3ofUs's thread?

Maybe getting outside your own situation would help?

Exactly! You arrived at this juncture due to a marriage which lacked important elements. Your Plan A is an opportunity to acknowledge that by demonstrating your return to best self even under adverse conditions. And be strong and determined about it.

Yes, I mentioned that about DS as well. WW keeps bringing up "lots of people get divorced" and that children are resilient. But they are not her kids. One of my Exposure targets was her friend who went through a divorce in her 50's with similar circumstances. Unfortunately WW would not take her call, as she knows what she will say to her.

I did talk to this friend and she is going to try to get through to WW again. She has regretted that decision ever since, she told me she went through a similar phase with an OM as well, but it evaporated and she just needed a little time to understand it. Unfortunately her husband found a girlfriend right away and married her right after the D was final. She lost out on a lot and their children suffered as a result.

Hopefully she will break through to WW. While this friend was going through the D, she confided in WW and WW told me that she felt her story was very sad and she may have made the wrong choice. Ironic now that she won't talk to this friend now after D-Day!

I read WifeDivorcing's thread in its entirety about a month ago, when my M was really looking up (I was being gaslighted). I'm really struggling now after the revelation of the truth. I don't know if you remember but I was really puzzled why WW was not responding to my Plan A, I seriously was doing a great job at it, and after snooping I hit rock bottom, where I still am :-(

I'm just afraid my Plan A will suffer when she moves out and it will be worse. It will be replaced with all the scheming for the D which is really bad for my mental health.

This may hurt, but it is a straw that you should grasp. It is based on logic which Dr. H often uses to convince people to give it one last try. Obviously you want your wife to do an about face because of you, but that's not likely. Ending the affair to make your son happy is a possible crack in the doorway. Just try to have fun as a family. At some point son will mention his feelings to mom. Keep making it clear to son and wife that you are willing to create a marriage where mom is happy. Truth be known by all.

It is very true. I mentioned that DS may need a therapist because of all of this. She acted non-chalant about it, with the refrain of "lots of kids go through divorces," etc. etc. Then I heard her confiding to MIL that when I told her that, she couldn't focus for the whole day at work, because it made her miserable. She blames me for using DS as a tool to get to her. But it is the honest truth, it will hurt DS a lot.

I told her right now everything seems fine to DS because we stopped fighting several weeks ago (after I found out I was being gaslighted). But it's the calm before the storm, when she moves out it will be a completely different game. She was concerned and asked me if I knew therapists (my friend recommended some).

Do you think it will help me to try to talk to MIL again? After all, MIL was the one who told me that she would never let the D happen, it's for DS's sake. MIL is very attached to DS because she babysat him from birth to about 2 years old daily. MIL got turned and bought all of WW's stories about what a terrible husband I am/was. But I didn't get a chance to talk to her about DS.

The cost of talking to MIL will be severe Love Busters though for WW, as she warned me to stay away from her "family" (never mind they are mine as well since we are still married.)

I would keep reiterating to MIL, son wife, and others with influence that you are willing to make changes to make wife happy. You just wish she would end her affair and give you a chance.

I would not ask them to talk to her. That would reinforce her complaints about your controlling behavior. If they find you sincere and NOT controlling, they will naturally advocate on behalf of you and your son.

I would suggest that you reread the last 10 pages of your thread. There are so many answers to your concerns. I know that they aren't fun to read, but there is logic and you can use that to refocus and calm your emotions. That is the only way to stay on track.

IMHO, I would encourage a therapist for your son. All kids are impacted and changed by divorce, especially at his age.
All waywards say "Kids are resilient" they have to or the selfishness and guilt would be too much for them.
The fairy tale divorces in movies and TV's are just that, fairy tales. Real life divorces are painful, and very hard on children especially at your sons age.

I would change those locks and codes, many a wayward think they are entitled to do whatever they want. In my state, when my wayward moved out, i was granted exclusive and sole use of the property (despite her name on the deed). Didn't stop her from walking in a couple times and looking to fight, until i changed the locks.
I took the high rode and did not call the police, although i could have, especially after all the dirty tricks she pulled on me.

West Coast:

I stole this quote from Wrestler's thread. I'm sure that you saw it since you posted there. However, keep in mind that Mr. Eureka was a BH who waited for his wife to end her affair. AND has a recovered marriage.



Don't let your emotions thwart your plan. Reread the advice given to you recently and try to memorize it; use it.

I will call the therapist tomorrow, and seek to have WW talk to/interview him as well. WW was concerned enough about this when I mentioned last week. It is a very valid and true concern, not from a controlling angle. It really bothered her, from my listening.

She told her friends she hates that I "spy" on her and she feels she cannot live like this. Now, when I asked, "How was your day?" it becomes that I was trying to find out what she did all day. I did make a tactical mistake at the beginning of the Exposure and installed the wrong version of SMS Tracker on her phone, which showed my hand.

But what is funny is that I did absolutely no spying or tracking of her during the past 17 years prior to D-Day, which is what led me to my downfall in the first place. Funny if it weren't so sad now.

I have read that when in affair FOG, the WS feels completely trapped by the marriage. They are not free to carry out an affair with secrecy so they feel controlled, trapped, you name it. Think about it... would you care if your spouse spied on you? Probably not... I wouldn't care; but we aren't having affairs.

Now, imagine that you were addicted to something and someone was getting in the way of you getting your fix... and they could spy on you. Would you be mad about that? Of course.

My WW was happy to be with me and even have a romantic relationship with me... the absolute second our councilor told her she could not contact the OM and it was OK to hold her accountable... the marriage became intollerable. It was like a "light switch". At that moment, privacy and secrecy became her number 1 priority and she was mad as heck. Unfortunately, that's how this works. This can only get better when it if the WS gets out of the FOG.

Dr H refers to the FOG quite a bit... and the secret second life. I think that one of the key reasons they file for divorce is when they realize you will not allow them to have both the marriage and the secret second life. It's intollerable for them.

What are your thoughts about seeing a therapist for Individual Counseling? I'm researching them but it seems most of them are MFT's and do individual, couples, and children. Will they throw more wrenches into the sink and confuse me further?
They seem to offer the initial session for free. What should I look for, in terms of following MB principles? I talked to one on the phone already and she says yes. But I don't want a therapist that just listens who was not very helpful, like the guy we saw 17 years ago.

What do you need therapy for? That seems like a distraction at a pivotal time in your life. I would certainly get one for your son. There is nothing wrong with him, but a good child therapist can help him adjust to his new lifestyle.

I'm feeling very depressed and not sleeping well. I sleep in chunks of 2-3 hours every night. I have very angry thoughts about the A constantly. Do you think therapy will help? Or just stick to it for my S for now?