Hi,

Me and my husband met back in late 2007 and married in June 2012. After the Christmas and New Years holiday he said he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. I had been feeling that something was wrong between us but I didn't know it was this bad.

We went to a concealer and have had one appointment every other week and just talked. My husband didn't want to go in the first place and after us going 5 times, I'm starting to feel that it's not doing anything for us, it feels that it has gotten him to wanting to split up even more.

Finding this website and Dr.Harely have been my rescue and I've started to understand what went wrong in our relationship. We haven't been talking (or I haven't been listening to what he have said), there have been angry outbursts (from myself), there's been demanding, selfishness, and all other love busters Dr.Harley is mentioning.

I haven't been honest with him, mostly because of how he responses with disrespect and everything Dr.Harley describes can happen because of that, happened.

We haven't met each others emotional needs at all. His needs have been sex but every time he have brought it up, he have demanded it, which have made me feel pressured instead and not being able to meet his needs. When he told me about the lack of feelings and love for me after the holidays, I started to do research of why I didn't want to have sex and found an amazing website talking about sexual needs from a mans perspective and I started to understand why he wanted it so much which made it easier for me wanting to have sex with him. But he doesn't want to have sex with me at all now since the love is gone and he doesn't want me to touch him in that way.

I've tried to get him to read everything on this webpage but he doesn't want to. He feels that we need to separate and with that get a divorce to start all over fresh and from there see where it leads us. If we can revoke our love to each other.

I can understand that he wants to separate but a divorce?
We have started to hug more and go out to eat and talk, talk and talk. we hold each other when we are sleeping (or mostly me, holding him, he holds my hand every now and then in bed.)He said it feels good but I've started to feel really bad mentally. I have anxiety because of all of this and it feels like he want the cake but wants to eat it too.

I'm starting to feel that I should move out of the bedroom to feel better and take care of me, but at the same time it feels like I'm giving up on us.

He's not having an affair or anything, since I trust him on that department. We also live in another country than US, we are from Europe and can't do counseling with MB.

Can anyone advise me in what to do here?

Hi starfish, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason you didn't desire sex with him is because he was not meeting your needs. Women need 2 things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. When a couple grows apart, the woman no longer desires sex. If he learned to meet your needs better you would feel desire for him again. Meeting his need for sex under duress only creates a sexual aversion. You wouldn't have been able to sustain it for long.


He is very likely having an affair. The first thing you should do is quietly snoop on him and see what he is doing. Don't ask him and don't accuse him; just find out what he is doing and come back here. We will help you save your marriage.

Yes, I have understood that now after a lot of reading. I've always thought that there was something wrong with me an my libido. After reading "The good girl's guide to great sex" my whole perspective changed, but according to my husband, it's too late. Last week he said that I haven't even tried to have sex with him during this period and situation, but to my defense, I asked him early January if he even wanted me to try which he didn't. I even asked if he said no but meant yes. I just wanted to respect his no. After that I tried to have sex but it was very weird for the both of us.

The day after he brought it up and he was irritated that he always is the one initiating our talks and also that my angry outbursts was a big problem. I didn't even reflect over my angry outbursts before and since then I'm trying to initiate talks, and also to not be angry. If I feel angry or annoyed, I say I need a break or I start to do breathing exercises. And it's going good.


I have had my doubts if there is an affair going on or not, and I have asked him about it. In his first relationship the girl he was dating was cheating on him and during our whole relationship he has always been angry with people in our community having affairs.

I need to trust him in that department. However, I'm a bit worried that he want the separation and divorce to just go and have sex with other people and see if there's something better out there for him. He says that for him it's just a physical act and his needs for sex. He wants to find himself because he's confused and lost. Before getting married we both wanted children, but afterwards my dad died and I got my dreamjob and wanted to do a career and felt like I never wanted children at all. Husband always wanted them but felt that if I didn't want them, he could satisfy being just us.

Telling me about his lost love for me, he said that he wanted a big family, which I responded to that I do want. He have never heard me say that during these 3 years married though and have issues believing me which I understand. I just feel like me not wanting to have children was a phase, like trying it on but it didn't fit me. He says that he might just want to be alone (why he wants a separation and a divorce and try to be alone), and maybe he needs to give up the big family dream with it then.

He have also said that after the separation/divorce he still wants to talk to me and maybe also date at a later time. Just start everything over.
We are not Christian or anything but for me marriage is a big thing. It's a commitment. It's not the same for him, it's "just words" to him. We have always said "forever and ever" to each other and he sees no difference between them.

That is great that you want to trust him, however it is not very helpful when that trust is not based on facts and evidence. Blind trust is what leads to affairs. So that is where you need to start. FIRST, do some quiet investigating and find out if he is having an affair. This is critical because if he is having an affair then all the advice we give you will be a waste of time. [ours and yours]


Does he a drivers license? If he cannot "find himself" I would show him his drivers license and ask him to look in the mirror.

Wanting to "find myself" is classic irrational fogbabble used by wayward spouses.

He is likely having an affair. His complaint followed by his refusal to allow You to address that complaint is huge Red Flag. You should discreetly check financial and Phone/email records. Do Not ask him if he is having an affair.

I can't find any evidence of him being unfaithful to me so can you please give me other advices in what to do? Time is running out as he's going through with the divorce as we speak. I don't have the time to sit around and wait. I came here in hope for you to help but it feels helpless.

Our counselor told us during our second meeting to become friends with the monster, and monster being us not being together anymore and try to accept that feeling and that is what he's implementing with all this. He wants us to start all over and be friends and see where it leads. Atm we do hug, cuddle in bed which is a progress but he's love is not returning and he says it can't with all this pressure.

Fire that counselor. What a A'hole. He is not pro-marriage at all. All he sees his job is to make the divorce happen easily as possible.

Yes, time is running out so you need to step it up and start snooping.


This is because he has no earthly idea how to save your marriage. He has no plan. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Hire a PI. Have you put a keylogger on the phone and computer? Activated GPS monitoring on his phone?

And I agree, your counselor stinks. What an [censored]!

All his devices are looked with passwords I don't know so I can't access them and I can't really ask him for them. There aren't any PI's in our country.

Yes that counselor wasn't really good. He wanted us to investigate how to be happy on an individual level before finding out if we can be happy together. In our country the counselors seem to not be working on keeping marriages together, but more to help the couple deciding in what to do. Something in those lines...

You say that you have found nothing to indicate an affair, but from the sounds of it you haven't actually looked at all. What have you done to snoop? How have you ruled an affair out?

Asking for the posters to ignore the possibility of an affair and give you advice as if there isn't one isn't going to work. It is a waste of their time and yours to post advice that is absolutely irrelevant if there is an affair.

If time is running out, you don't have time to bury your head in the sand, and it would not be kind or helpful for posters to let you do that.

Him keeping his devices password protected is a red flag.

I wonder in what country you live if you don't have PI's. In most countries in Europe, it is quite easy to find one.

Either you live in Vatican City or you do have PI's. Just googled all European countries for PI's.

My bad, we do have PIs. Not sure though if I'm gonna get anything out of it. I have had my suspicions when he started to look at his phone more often, changing the code lock to it and always try to hide it from me. I also know who it might be and that it's happening at work. She lives with a guy on the other side of the city and I don't think they are hanging out at her place. It's too far away and I think that whatever is going on it's at his work place. Yesterday she texted him in the evening and sure, it could be work related. I mostly think they are flirting and he got the hots for her and doesn't want to do anything about it until he's free. But yeah, I guess that's a way of cheating.

I need to get into his phone which he brings with him everywhere.

So what made you say that you cannot find evidence of an affair? Clearly, you suspected an affair some time ago. Can you see why you need to deal with this - the real reason he wants a divorce - rather than ignore it and focus on something else? It would be like dealing with headaches by taking an Aspirin, when the cause is a tumour.

Can you get to his phone when he is asleep, or in the shower? Also, you can hide a voice-activated digital recorder in a pace where he is likely to make phone calls to her - such as in his car, or a home-office or shed, if he uses one.

And saying you don't have PIs in your country, when you do, is doing the same thing - it is trying to deflect our attention from your husband's obvious affair, because you do not want to deal with it, and you are looking for a different, quick fix, that will stop him from moving out.

The only hope you have of stopping him from divorcing you is to blow up the affair by bringing it to the attention of their employers and force them to deal with it, and exploding the fantasy bubble that your H and his OW are living in.

I know I've been living in denial and wanting to trust him so bad. We always had this policy to never cheat on each other (sounds like a clich� I know) and I don't think they had sex. I do however think they are emotional involved and that he want to end things with me before they do anything to not feel guilty. His girlfriend before me cheated on him and he's always been strongly against infidelity that's why I think how I think.

I am going to snoop and the recorder was a good idea. I also need to get into his phone and check their messages. He takes his phone everywhere, even to the shower (so do I) but I'm gonna come up with a plan.

My dear, ALL married people have a policy never to cheat on each other, except for the tiny fraction that agrees to have an open marriage. That "policy" is known as the wedding vows. The policy never to cheat is at the heart of the very concept of marriage itself. Nobody gets married, or stays married, telling their spouse that they will cheat on them. Almost every married person is strongly against infidelity, whether they have been cheated on or not - and yet over half of all marriages experience infidelity by one or both spouses.

The problem is that our values, and our vows, will not stop us having an affair if we allow another person to meet our most important emotional needs - those needs that, when met, allow us to fall in love.

Your husband might well have rationalised his infidelity by telling himself that the marriage is already over, or with some other justification, but the point is that it does not matter what he tells himself; he is having an affair, and I'm sorry to add that it is very certainly a sexual affair. A man does not decide to divorce his wife over a woman he is merely talking to at work, and texting. Men dissolve their marriages for other women because they are getting their most important, intimate, emotional needs met by those women. He is having sex with her: be sure of that.

He was working from home yesterday and I recorded sound the whole day. Unfortunately I didn't play it cool and only a few hours was saved of the recording. From the stuff I can hear on the recording (he only walks into the room once) is this:

"You have been very clear, we will never be together you and me. Yes, we will never live togeter at all. The only thing we can be is like .... *mumble mumle* ... if you ever do end up single wew might be having sex and everything else"

Also much later in the recording which was lost I could hear him say something about Friday and feelings (he traveled away with his friend to London but he was going to the gym in the morning as he always do and I think someting is going on there as well, i don't know).

I didn't really play it cool yesterday when I got home from work and he saw me stoping the recording. He also saw me listening to something today and started to questioning me about it. I have alo asked him alot of questions if there is someone else but he is dening it and I'm denying the recording. It's also illigal to record someone without their knowledge, but I think he knows.

Should I confront him with this anyway? I feel sooooo sick. After I heard the recording I asked him again just to make him confess but he continues to deny it. He says that if there was someone else why not just confess that to me? He wants a divorce anyways so it wouldn't matter. I tried to say that even if there was someone else I would still be here if he wanted to work on it, but he just want to get out.

I feel that I want him to move out now. I can't stand him. Being unfaithful is one thing, but continuing to deny it is another one. I feel so sick.

He also addmitted to having feelings for a girl at work earier in the fall 2015 but that those feelings went away. He also told me in October that he and a girl had been flirting and that he probably needed to cut it off since she apperently wanted more, but he said that this ws another girl. I have always been fine with a bit of flirting since I've always felt so secure with him. I NEVER thought he would do osmething like this (yes I know you think I'm naive but throughout all men I've been with he has been the most wonderful of them all).

***EDIT***

starfish, I agree you should ask him to move out. It sounds like he has probably had many affairs. It is best that you separate from him and go into Plan B. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Can you hire a PI like we initially suggested?


Not trying to pile on, but do you see how your lax position has led to affairs? You have been in denial for a long time. Flirting is a form of courting that should be off limits to any married person. Saying you felt "secure" with a man who flirts is like saying you felt secure with a drunk driver.