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The house is owned 50/50 by both of us, that's why the locks can't be changed. He has the right to be in the house as well.

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Originally Posted by starfish83
The house is owned 50/50 by both of us, that's why the locks can't be changed. He has the right to be in the house as well.

So what stops you from changing the locks? You are one of the owners, so you CAN legally change the locks. Are you saying in your country, a locksmith would not do this?

EVen so, the more immediate issue is that you should be exposing the affair and asking him to move out. How are you coming on that front?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You can change the locks even if he is an owner.
as mentioned

It would be up to him to

1.break in
or
2. get a locksmith to help him enter








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Originally Posted by starfish83
Sweden, but a friend helped me search for information and I have no right to it.
I believe Sweden has the highest divorce rate in Europe. The odds (and morals) are not in your favour, so please consider following the advice given without taking shortcuts. This is your best fighting chance.

You changing the locks requires action from him. If you ask him to move out, the message is not as strong as when you change the locks. Even though he has the right to enter the house, it will be very clear to him that you mean buisiness.

Originally Posted by starfish83
Recording him is soooo hard since it's an illegal act in my country and I could do time for it so I need to be careful. I am looking into other ways I can find something out and I sort of have a plan.
I didn't google (yet), but do you know statistics on how many people actually do time for recording a conversation they didn't take part in? Recording a perfect stranger for criminal purposes will be will be looked upon different than a recording made in your own house or car.

You need info, a VAR is the easiest way to obtain that info. Also consider a GPS.

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He came home 4 hours after he left and had a breakdown. He has ended everything with her and has agreed to change workplace. I think he's depressed but he doesn't want to admit it, but he's really at a bad place. I've never seen him like this before. He associate me with pain, and have felt pain for a couple of years but held it in since I was under a depression after my dad died, and we slipped further and further away from each other. He will go talk to someone during next week.

We will start working on the program and start identify love busters, but he still feel that a separation might be the best thing here since he feel so very bad mentally. What is the best thing here? I argue that we should do fun stuff together and be around each other. Being individual and not honest lead to this.

Or is all this too early?

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
I didn't google (yet), but do you know statistics on how many people actually do time for recording a conversation they didn't take part in? Recording a perfect stranger for criminal purposes will be will be looked upon different than a recording made in your own house or car.

You need info, a VAR is the easiest way to obtain that info. Also consider a GPS.

I've already got all the evidence I needed frown

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Originally Posted by starfish83
We will start working on the program and start identify love busters, but he still feel that a separation might be the best thing here since he feel so very bad mentally. What is the best thing here? I argue that we should do fun stuff together and be around each other. Being individual and not honest lead to this.

Or is all this too early?

Have you exposed the affair?

And his request for a "separation" indicates his affair is NOT OVER. It means it he is going further underground.

As you dawdle and put off exposure, the affair gains more power. You need to buck up and get to work if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You are going to have to start taking this seriously and STOP following your own agenda if you want to save your marriage. I have been telling you since you arrived that he was having an affair. Now is the time to get off your butt and get to work if you want to save this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have exposed it

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Originally Posted by starfish83
I have exposed it

TO WHOM??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So you are on here asking for advice when you have not given us the FACTS?? How in the world do you expect us to help if you don't give the facts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by starfish83
I have exposed it
Can you be more specific?

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Oh wow, hello angry outbursts. Can we keep good manners please?

While he was gone for 4 hours I exposed it to his family and friends. I didn't got around to tell her side of ppl since it was very difficult to find telephone numbers so I targeted his ppl first. When I was done talking to his mother he came home and broke down. He just realized what he had done to me and he was very ashamed and didn't recognize himself. He feels even more bad that his feelings for me are nowhere to be found and that I'm the source for him being so unhappy.

We have been hanging out during the whole weekend and done stuff together. I know you say that he still wants a separation and divorce because he wants to continue on with the affair but I think it's more to it. I have never seen him this depressed and he can't see any future for himself or us. He sees only darkness. He hasn't been honest with me at all about his feelings earlier which has been one of our love busters but now we are actually talking and being honest to each other. He feels that the only way out for him to feel good again is to separate from me, I'm the one that has inflicted unhappiness to him for so long and he's now fighting to breath. During his several breakdowns he have expressed that he doesn't want to live. I understand that he's depressed and I can't help him through it, he needs professional help. He's seeing a doctor today that hopefully can refer him to a psychologist.

We have committed to at least try to find each other again, but it's hard. Hard for him when he feels this way, and hard for me to know I'm the cause. I just want him to feel good again. We have done the Love Busters questionnaire and most of it was no news to us, but it was good for us doing it. We learned something from it and know what each others prioritizes are. We are going to do the emotional needs questionnaire tonight. Hard though, since it's hard to have sex for us, since he lacks feelings for me, and I am who I am to him, it's hard wanting me.

The affair was an emotional affair for both of them (I've evidence in their texting that they haven't been physical with each other), because they felt so sad and ill mentally (it's no excuse but I understand how it happened).

He didn't want me to tell her spouse about it since she got 2 younger kids and if he leaves they will not have a father (my H grew up without a father and don't want her kids to experience it). I actually don't give a damn but I've promised not to tell him unless they continue to talk and since we have promised to be all honest towards each other that's a promise I need to keep(I know I shouldn't have promised him that but it's done). I've also got free access to his phone and if there's anything suspicious going on, he knows I know my way around recovery programs if any messages are deleted.




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You are being played. The affair is still on, the fact that he cares more about OW children you is a HUGE red flag. It was foolish to promise not to tell OW husband. Your header for a false recovery. Exposure means both sides not just one. That's very ineffective. The fact he made you promise not to tell OW husband should let you know who to expose to! Don't be afraid.

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Half done exposure never works. Mistake #1
Not exposing OWH and OW friends and family first only gave WH time to warn OW to do preemptive maneuvers to thwart exposure on her side. Mistake #2

Get exposure finished today. Pressure must placed on the OW side for the affair to collapse. OWH is your #1 asset to kill this affair.

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I understand what you mean but he sees the kids as innocents that has nothing to do with this and that they will lose their father figure in their life as he did when he was a kid and does not want to hurt them.

I know it was a big mistake by me to make that promise, but I've done it and I need to stand by it.

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So to paraphrase your scared of his anger.

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Originally Posted by starfish83
He didn't want me to tell her spouse about it since she got 2 younger kids and if he leaves they will not have a father (my H grew up without a father and don't want her kids to experience it). I actually don't give a damn but I've promised not to tell him unless they continue to talk and since we have promised to be all honest towards each other that's a promise I need to keep(I know I shouldn't have promised him that but it's done). I've also got free access to his phone and if there's anything suspicious going on, he knows I know my way around recovery programs if any messages are deleted.

The first thing you need to do TODAY is expose the affair to the OW's husband and her family. The reason he doesn't want you to expose is so you don't ruin his affair. Don't be an enabler. Your ONLY HOPE is to expose the affair and stop enabling him.

I would do this TODAY without forewarning him. If you won't do this, then there is nothing we can do for you because this is hopeless if you ENABLE the affair for your husband and his lover.

Quote
He didn't want me to tell her spouse about it since she got 2 younger kids and if he leaves they will not have a father (my H grew up without a father and don't want her kids to experience it).

MrRollieEyes What a load of CRAP! If he cared about those kids, he wouldn't be screwing a married woman. You need to tell the husband so he can protect his children from your HUSBAND!! Your husband is the threat and the husband needs to know so he can drive your husband away from his marriage. He is "protecting the children," my a**! rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by starfish83
I understand what you mean but he sees the kids as innocents that has nothing to do with this and that they will lose their father figure in their life as he did when he was a kid and does not want to hurt them.

I know it was a big mistake by me to make that promise, but I've done it and I need to stand by it.

No, you do not. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING A BAD PROMISE.

Move forward and expose the hell out of this affair. TODAY. Stop dawdling!! The more time you sit around doing nothing is more time the adulterers have to pre-empt you!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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starfish, the reason your husband is unhappy in his marriage is because he is high on the fumes of an affair. An affair is an addiction very much like heroin or alcohol. All of the things he is telling you about his unhappiness are classic symptoms of someone in an affair. The SOLUTION is to kill the affair and create a romantic marriage. But you cannot do that as long as he is still in his affair. The affair will thrive and grow as long as you enable it. This is why you MUST expose it.

And please don't tell us again that your husband "cares" for the OW's children when he is actively working to destroy their parents marriage by screwing their mother. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You aren't that gullible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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