I would expose to his parents and any other contacts asap and then email her and tell her what you have done. Explain that you have done this at the suggestion of Dr Bill Harley in the hopes that his parents would persuade their son to leave your wife alone. LEt her know that Dr Harley strongly suggests that all family members and close friends are exposed so you would urge her to do this too.

You have to do the right thing for your marriage and should not agree to unwise tactics just to placate the other BS. She is making a critical, strategic mistake by not exposing but you shouldn't make the same mistake.

ALSO, you do not want to use her for support, per se. You only want her to use her influence to help bust up the affair. It is easy to develop an unhealthy relationship with the other BS. You don't want to do that.

Has she told her H she knows about the affair? She is making strategic, foolish mistakes by keeping this affair a secret from family and friends.

She did tell him. The same day I told her.
She said she is slowly getting him to face reality. That between his tears he has been opening up a bit about what has been happening.

I also sent her the link to this site and the "Exposure 101" thread. I explained how it has helped to break this open by telling others.

That is when she said she didn't think it was right for her and wanted to give him a deadline.

By what I have said to her , and "if" she did read that thread she would know that I have been already doing it.

What is the deadline for?

PTSD, the other BS does not understand what she is doing. Exposure is "right" for everyone, including her. The fact that she thinks she can talk him into reality indicates she doesn't understand the fog. The most effective thing to wake up a WS is EXPOSURE, and she is not doing that.

But you need to do what is best for your marriage and expose to the OM's parents, family and friends in order to ensure he stays away. Your marriage cannot afford her strategic mistakes.

Her deadline is a few days after easter. She said she didn't want to ruin it for the children.

Do you suggest telling her that his sister (and several friends) already know? I am almost certain he has not told her others aleady know. I am also 100% positive some of the people have already told him they know.

I can explain that it was done during my rounds of exposure that I have already spoken to her about. (which included herself) That it is the sole reason the fantasy has been shattered and agin encourage her to reach the people I was not able to.

What is the deadline FOR? For her exposing to the parents and family?

Are you reading my posts?

I understand now. I had thought you were asking about the time limit.

The only reason I was given for there even being a deadline is that she thought telling others right away would be a detriment rather than a positive.

* As well as the easter/ ruin it for children reason.

* At a different point in the conversation she made this statement... "His mom would kill him if she knew".

So perhaps she is actually trying to protect him.

Did you read my comments about you doing the exposure to his parents, family now?

There is NEVER a perfect time to do exposures. In fact, it is better to do it before a major holiday because family will be together. Of course you can't expose to his kids, but you can contact his parents and SHOULD do that yourself.

Made an edit above.

I will do it today.

Perfect!! And yes, it is hopeful his mother "will kill him!" That is the point. That is what you want. Do you know what to say to her?

Tell her all about the affair and ask her to use her influence to persuade her to leave your wife alone. Be sure and give her all your contact information so she can call with any followup questions.

I only have his fathers FB page. It looks lik his mother is not on FB (although I do have her name).

I believe I will also tell him that his son's sister and wife already know and that his wife has already confronted him. Jumpstart their conversation, without them staring at each other wondering.

Sounds good! Can you call the parents house?

No other informatin beside the FB page. I was planning to send a friend request imidiatly followed by the letter in the chat window.

I would try sending a private message to him telling him about the affair and asking him to call you. He likely won't accept a friend request from a stranger. You can't find his phone #? Did you search for it?

I did try and came up empty.
I was told by the OM's spouse that she was able to see my original message, even before accepting the request.

Gotcha! I didn't realize you could do that. Go ahead and try that and see if it works. You can put your phone # in there and ask him to call you right away. Say something like "your son, Joe Dirtbag, is having an affair with my wife and I really need your help. Can you or your wife call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX."

Update broken into the next few posts, followed by a few new questions.
If anyone might have some advice I would be grateful.


The exposure has done it's job to break this open. Judging by the replies, from both sides of the people I have contacted, or the acceptance... and then subsequent cancellation of "FB friend" requests from the OM's contacts, I know the message has reached everyone... or at least nearly everyone.

I also confronted the OM, through harshly written emails, several times. He sent me no replies, but told my wife about it almost instantly.

* I try not to let it bother me, but of the couple/ few of the OM's friends that have replied to me, their messages were all similar...
They have no influence, can't help, I should not be telling anyone, and it is likely my fault that it has happened.

(In return, our friends have no problem sending her messages)

My wife became upset again when she opened FB for the first time in a month and found 80 messages from people asking if everything was okay.
This was a week ago. She was again upset that people know, only this time the anger lasted simply hours instead of days and the progress resumed, that very day.

Things have been slowly getting better.
Spending some time together nearly every day, eating meals several times as a family, and us talking a bit more about what lead up to the affair, sharing various chores, watching movies... etc.

We are calling, seeing and talking more and more. Even talking about possible futures.
Her invisible wall of physical personal space is also slowly breaking down.

She has also stated she will have no more independent behaviors and has agreed to mutual decision making.