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Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?
Tell him to hit the road. He is wasting your time if he won't do Marriage Builders with you. Unless he jumps through hoops to recover your marriage, he will destroy your mental health. No wonder you are struggling so badly. Just ending his affair, crying crocodile tears ["sorrowful"] but sitting there like a lump on a log will not save your marriage. He needs to be a SUPERMAN of marriage recovery.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous
It's a narrow path, bikerwife. If the program isn't followed by both husband and wife, it doesn't work. There is no way to recover.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
How do I get him onboard without being disrespectful. I truly understand the narrow path. I blew it for the last 5 years by being too scared to expose OW. I want to do it. Help me to get my husband to want to help me to heal
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
How do I get him onboard without being disrespectful. I truly understand the narrow path. I blew it for the last 5 years by being too scared to expose OW. I want to do it. Help me to get my husband to want to help me to heal
bikerwife, here is how to do it without being disrespectful:
Print out for him Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation and ask him to read it. Afterward ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.
If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.
If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.
That's how to do it, bikerwife. None of that is disrespectful. Just insistent. You will accept nothing less. This is his last chance to make things right with you after everything he has put you through.
Now for the record when it comes to situations like this when the wife says "how do I avoid being disrespectful?" I have heard Dr. Harley say time after time "I wouldn't worry about that." And I wouldn't worry about it, bikerwife. It is NOT disrespectful to stand up for yourself and for your marriage and say "You have to do this or I can't heal with you."
Bikerwife, I'd like you to briefly read through classic poster Pepperband's story with her husband. Look how she treated her husband about his affair. They recovered, and a big part of the reason why was that Pepperband would accept nothing less from him.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
Frankly, I think Dr. Harley would approve of this five minute Plan A in your situation:
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
I feel very confident that Dr. Harley would tell you not to worry about seeming a little bit disrespectful or demanding toward your husband about this, because it's the ONLY THING that is going to work. Waiting and hoping for him to finally follow a program of marital recovery for the last several years hasn't worked. So tell him one last time this is what you need, give him one last chance, and if he won't do it, he needs to hit the road.
Dr. Harley once wrote this about demands - I'm sure he'd feel similar about disrespect in this case: Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94 "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
If your husband will not make just compensation for his affair, what are you going to do? Forgive? Because forgiveness doesn't work...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
Print it out for your husband and ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.
If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.
If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
We are leaving to Hawaii for 7 days early Monday morning. Shall I wait til after we return from our vacation? I so much want to recover our marriage. I know he needs to get on board. I'm just scared. I know what I need to do. Can I wait til we have a great time in Hawaii and then give him the printouts?
BW
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
In addition to the article about Just Compensation (which is in this thread also) there are some good radio clips in this thread. What Is Just Compensation?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
We are leaving to Hawaii for 7 days early Monday morning. Shall I wait til after we return from our vacation? I so much want to recover our marriage. I know he needs to get on board. I'm just scared. I know what I need to do. Can I wait til we have a great time in Hawaii and then give him the printouts?
BW
I would go ahead and give it to him now. You have waited long enough.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
So agree. Go tell him NOW. No time like the present to solve problems.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I understand about the moving part. It just pains my heart so much as my three children live close by and my five grandchildren I see very often and babysit and they are so supportive of me and I of them.
I will also write Joyce and Dr. Harley today and I know this is a narrow path I'm walking on. It is so much pain to leave my three children and family. I really feel like I've done a really good exposure. She is a realtor, A leader in her professional organizations and judge for athletic events. I have exposed her fellow board members, to fellow judges and to all the general members of association of which she is president. she lives an hour away that I was hoping she would be too scared to ever contact my husband again for fear of me contacting her other thousand friends that she has on Facebook. I have saved the names of those friends on a document in my computer
BW
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
Ok. I will print out the articles. Read it so it's clear in my mind. Our extraordinary Precautions what gives me just compensation.
I will give him print out tonight. I will listen to the radio clips that brain sent me.
The EP checklist does not give you full just compensation, that is only the FIRST STEP. The FIRST STEP of affair proofing your marriage will not get you where you need to be. That alone will get you in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage where you NEVER recover. There is more to JC:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
But forgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is completely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored..
In other words, he has to learn to successfully meet your needs and follow the basic concepts. He has to effectively strive to create a romantic marriage with. Just ending his affair and sitting there like a lump on a log won't do the trick.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Just Compensation in a Nutshell: 1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...
2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions). Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...
3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts. Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...
You asked if he has opposite sex friendships and does he have the opportunity to have an affair.
No, we only have "friends that we do things together as a couple". We go country western dance every Friday night together and may go out to dinner with a married group of 10 (5 couples). Sometimes, we play cards and sometimes we may go jetskiing for the weekenend.
When the affair first started approximately 8 years ago, he "lost his business" and was "working at the house". It is a big piece of property and he started caring for it, in addition to driving me and picking me up from work. I am a dentist and he would take care of all my equipment. This is how he managed to keep things hidden from me for so long.
8 Months ago, I retired---I had childhood heart issues and needed my second open heart surgery. Now, we spend all our time together. I have so many snooping devices now unbeknownst to him. I've done exposure, to MANY people on his and her side.
We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopping.
Right now I am printing out "Basic Concepts" and "just Compensation" to give to him.
BW
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
"We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopp"
So his opportunity is when he goes to Home Depot and other places. That is a loophole I would close. That gives him plenty of opportunity to reach out to the OW.
It sounds like you have the foundation now to save your marriage, but only IF he commits 1000% to Marriage Builders. That is not negotiable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt