http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600

It's a narrow path, bikerwife. If the program isn't followed by both husband and wife, it doesn't work. There is no way to recover.

How do I get him onboard without being disrespectful. I truly understand the narrow path. I blew it for the last 5 years by being too scared to expose OW. I want to do it. Help me to get my husband to want to help me to heal

bikerwife, here is how to do it without being disrespectful:

Print out for him Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation and ask him to read it. Afterward ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.

That's how to do it, bikerwife. None of that is disrespectful. Just insistent. You will accept nothing less. This is his last chance to make things right with you after everything he has put you through.

Now for the record when it comes to situations like this when the wife says "how do I avoid being disrespectful?" I have heard Dr. Harley say time after time "I wouldn't worry about that." And I wouldn't worry about it, bikerwife. It is NOT disrespectful to stand up for yourself and for your marriage and say "You have to do this or I can't heal with you."

Bikerwife, I'd like you to briefly read through classic poster Pepperband's story with her husband. Look how she treated her husband about his affair. They recovered, and a big part of the reason why was that Pepperband would accept nothing less from him.

Here it is:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=158318&Number=2293828#Post2293828

And here is Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation. Print it out for your husband:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Frankly, I think Dr. Harley would approve of this five minute Plan A in your situation:

I feel very confident that Dr. Harley would tell you not to worry about seeming a little bit disrespectful or demanding toward your husband about this, because it's the ONLY THING that is going to work. Waiting and hoping for him to finally follow a program of marital recovery for the last several years hasn't worked. So tell him one last time this is what you need, give him one last chance, and if he won't do it, he needs to hit the road.

Dr. Harley once wrote this about demands - I'm sure he'd feel similar about disrespect in this case:
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

If your husband will not make just compensation for his affair, what are you going to do? Forgive? Because forgiveness doesn't work...

Yes. I'm totally on board. Will read the section in SAA and see how to get my husband on board.

Here's the Just Compensation article, bikerwife:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Print it out for your husband and ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.

I will print it out to give it to him.

We are leaving to Hawaii for 7 days early Monday morning. Shall I wait til after we return from our vacation? I so much want to recover our marriage. I know he needs to get on board. I'm just scared. I know what I need to do. Can I wait til we have a great time in Hawaii and then give him the printouts?

BW

In addition to the article about Just Compensation (which is in this thread also) there are some good radio clips in this thread.
What Is Just Compensation?

I would go ahead and give it to him now. You have waited long enough.

Give him the article now. Otherwise, your time in Hawaii will be spent fretting.

Honestly, I think you need to move as a step in Recovery. Part of the reason your husband was able to continue his affair was his proximity to OW.

So agree. Go tell him NOW. No time like the present to solve problems.

Ok. I will print out the articles. Read it so it's clear in my mind. Our extraordinary Precautions what gives me just compensation.

I will give him print out tonight. I will listen to the radio clips that brain sent me.

I understand about the moving part.
It just pains my heart so much as my three children live close by and my five grandchildren I see very often and babysit and they are so supportive of me and I of them.

I will also write Joyce and Dr. Harley today and I know this is a narrow path I'm walking on. It is so much pain to leave my three children and family. I really feel like I've done a really good exposure. She is a realtor, A leader in her professional organizations and judge for athletic events. I have exposed her fellow board members, to fellow judges and to all the general members of association of which she is president. she lives an hour away that I was hoping she would be too scared to ever contact my husband again for fear of me contacting her other thousand friends that she has on Facebook. I have saved the names of those friends on a document in my computer

BW

The EP checklist does not give you full just compensation, that is only the FIRST STEP. The FIRST STEP of affair proofing your marriage will not get you where you need to be. That alone will get you in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage where you NEVER recover. There is more to JC:


In other words, he has to learn to successfully meet your needs and follow the basic concepts. He has to effectively strive to create a romantic marriage with. Just ending his affair and sitting there like a lump on a log won't do the trick.

When he says he doesn't like Marriage Builders, all that says is that he is not committed to recovering your marriage.

He needs to commit fully to learning and enacting these concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

Melody,

You asked if he has opposite sex friendships and does he have the opportunity to have an affair.

No, we only have "friends that we do things together as a couple". We go country western dance every Friday night together and may go out to dinner with a married group of 10 (5 couples). Sometimes, we play cards and sometimes we may go jetskiing for the weekenend.

When the affair first started approximately 8 years ago, he "lost his business" and was "working at the house". It is a big piece of property and he started caring for it, in addition to driving me and picking me up from work. I am a dentist and he would take care of all my equipment. This is how he managed to keep things hidden from me for so long.

8 Months ago, I retired---I had childhood heart issues and needed my second open heart surgery. Now, we spend all our time together. I have so many snooping devices now unbeknownst to him. I've done exposure, to MANY people on his and her side.

We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopping.

Right now I am printing out "Basic Concepts" and "just Compensation" to give to him.

BW

"We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopp"

So his opportunity is when he goes to Home Depot and other places. That is a loophole I would close. That gives him plenty of opportunity to reach out to the OW.

It sounds like you have the foundation now to save your marriage, but only IF he commits 1000% to Marriage Builders. That is not negotiable.