|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
Because I want to ask about the contradiction between the things that she said to me and to her sisters.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
I messed up everything. Again she says she can't live with my spying on her everytime. She says I won't be able to forgive her ever. I say my paranoia will pass in time. But she says she does not want to bear with that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I messed up everything. Again she says she can't live with my spying on her everytime. She says I won't be able to forgive her ever. I say my paranoia will pass in time. But she says she does not want to bear with that. Did you expose her affair? Did you reach the OM's wife? Did you expose to his contacts? Do they work together? And tell her you won't have to spy if she stops hiding things. Your "paranoia" will go away ONLY if she stops her marriage wrecking behavior. If she wants your paranoia to end she will have to earn your trust. Will she do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I messed up everything. Again she says she can't live with my spying on her everytime. She says I won't be able to forgive her ever. I say my paranoia will pass in time. But she says she does not want to bear with that. And of course you won't "forgive" her. That is inappropriate.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
Did you expose her affair? Did you reach the OM's wife? Did you expose to his contacts? Do they work together?
And tell her you won't have to spy if she stops hiding things. Your "paranoia" will go away ONLY if she stops her marriage wrecking behavior. If she wants your paranoia to end she will have to earn your trust. Will she do that?[/quote]
I have exposed to her family, boss and and close friends. All of them says they will be with her what ever decision she will make about divorce or recover. I'll expose OM's wife as soon as I get her contact. Her boss will not let them contact again. They don't work together anymore.
She agreed to never contact OM.
But she said she doesn't want me anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
I messed up everything. Again she says she can't live with my spying on her everytime. She says I won't be able to forgive her ever. I say my paranoia will pass in time. But she says she does not want to bear with that. And of course you won't "forgive" her. That is inappropriate. According to Dr. Harvey's article "can't we just forgive and forget" I told her I will forgive her but it will take time and she should response to my recovery attempts. But she refuses recover since last night.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
She says she can't live with me any more, even if we will be together again she wants separation, she won't marry me or anyone again, she doesn't want to be committed to any marriage, she wants her freedom and her own happiness.
Just to days ago we had agreed to try again.
But now,
It looks like there is no chance to be together again.
Do you think there is a chance?
What should I beg her any try to convince her to try again?
Should I try to convince her to be just friends in the same house?
When she wants to separate should I say won't leave house, and if she wants a separation she should leave?
Can you advise me to read forum threads similar to my situation and ending happily?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I messed up everything. Again she says she can't live with my spying on her everytime. She says I won't be able to forgive her ever. I say my paranoia will pass in time. But she says she does not want to bear with that. And of course you won't "forgive" her. That is inappropriate. According to Dr. Harvey's article "can't we just forgive and forget" I told her I will forgive her but it will take time and she should response to my recovery attempts. But she refuses recover since last night. He says in the article you should not forgive her. I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
She says she can't live with me any more, even if we will be together again she wants separation, she won't marry me or anyone again, she doesn't want to be committed to any marriage, she wants her freedom and her own happiness.
Just to days ago we had agreed to try again.
But now,
It looks like there is no chance to be together again.
Do you think there is a chance?
What should I beg her any try to convince her to try again?
Should I try to convince her to be just friends in the same house?
When she wants to separate should I say won't leave house, and if she wants a separation she should leave?
Can you advise me to read forum threads similar to my situation and ending happily? I would advise you to expose the affair. Are you reading my posts to you? The advice we are giving you is the same as the advice on all the other threads. The advice won't change from thread to thread.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Reposting. Did you read this? Most of the times (like last night) I feel like she is completely honest with me when we talk. But the day before she was making fun of me when talking with her sisters and friends. I feel like I'm going insane. Trying to collect evidence while expecting her being honest... and not being sure if she is honest.
is she making fun of me because she doesn't want to look guilty among her friends? and is she really honest with me and playing role to her friends? Please stop getting distracted by all this nonsense and focus on your plan to saVe your marriage. You now have the evidence, which is her confession. The next step is expose to his wife, your family and friends and kill this affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Finish exposure.
Her not wanting to be with you is her anger at you blowing up her affair. Get exposure done. She will get over her anger.
Do not beg, never beg, being needy is not attractive and a big turn off for the WW.
Just keep plan A'ing her and never leave the house.
Her staying in the house gives you the most opportunity to make LB deposits. She wants separation you just say I am not leaving the house and then change the subject.
I can't remember anyone particular thread. Though I have been here a long time and have seen many BH's pull victory from the jaws of defeat. The thing all these BH's did in common was a complete, through, done ASAP exposure.
Then Plan A their butts off.
You follow the standard MB game plan and you have a great chance at being the victor.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can you advise me to read forum threads similar to my situation and ending happily? We have given the same advice on thousands of threads on this forum and that is to expose the affair. The REASON she wants to separate is so she can conduct her affair. Your job is to remove that REASON by killing the affair. You kill the affair by exposing it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Only if you can expose the affair. If you can't do that, then I don't see this blowing over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
Thank you. I will go on searching for his wife for exposure. And I will expose to OM's boss. I believe exposing did no good so far... Except for exposing to my wife's boss.
At this moment it looks like I have noting to loose. So I will proceed with exposure.
Thank you for your efforts.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
By the way in exposure letter I didn't provide any evidence. Do you think I should? No one contacted me. They all look supporting my wife. I'm all alone except for you... Thank you guys.
My wife said if I hadn't exposed to her parents there would be a chance for our marriage.
Can it be true?
Last edited by Armagan; 09/24/16 10:29 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Thank you. I will go on searching for his wife for exposure. And I will expose to OM's boss. I believe exposing did no good so far... Except for exposing to my wife's boss. A trickle exposure is not very effective. To whom have you exposed so far? What did you tell them? Did you follow the guidelines on the exposure thread?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 112 |
A trickle exposure is not very effective.
To whom have you exposed so far? What did you tell them? Did you follow the guidelines on the exposure thread? I have exposed to her sisters, father, boss and her close friends. I sent whatsapp message to her mother but father has deleted it. Her mother doesn't know. I only have my mother but we don't see each other much. One or twice a year. I thought that she would have no effect on her so Ididn't exposed to my mother. In summary the message I had sent is below: _________________________________ I'm writing this message because you have an important place in our lives. As some of you know some time ago my wife was talking about our temporary separation and insisting on my going to a vacation so she could think about our marriage. There was no fight or serious problems in our marriage. Our marriage was some times boring and some times fun. So Icouldn't understand her wish. I told her that I am working on making our marriage happier(for MB readers: I was reading MB site then... because I was feeling there was something wrong with her). While I was away I have learnt that she has an EA with a married man. She told me that it is nothing and and she was just about to finish the affair. But today Ihave learnt that they are meeting after work when she says she is attending a meeting. I believe she had sent me to a vacation so she could be with him. Please do what ever you can to convince her to end this affair. Otherwise there is no chance for our marriage. Please help her to do the right thing. Despite what had happened Ilove my wife and I want to be with her ____________________________________ I was sad and I was in panic. I have searched for OM's wife but Icould't find her. In order not to loose time. Ihave exposed only the to the people I mentinoned above. If I tell her mom now Ithink she will think that Iam trying to destroy her life.
Last edited by Armagan; 09/24/16 10:58 AM.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
432
guests, and
66
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
