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You are right that when you are dealing with a wayward spouse, it is up to YOU to fight the affair, and take care of yourself.

Your WH has not taken ending his affair seriously because you have not taken it seriously. You have enabled it for over a year, and if you moved out, then you must have moved back in even though the affair continued. It is time for you to take it seriously, and that starts with exposure.

Dr Harley has a plan to fight infidelity that has been devised from his 40+ year experience dealing with affairs. He knows what he is doing and the posters on this board can attest to that. I am glad to hear you are ready to follow a plan!

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Thats tough because when I do this my husband is going to be so mad. He is very protective of her and what she has been through in her life. I have to be ready to handle this situation.

Exactly. He will be furious when you interfere with his affair. But keep in mind that our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all cost. Your marriage can recover from his temporary anger, it can't recover from an ongoing affair.

When he comes at you in anger, you should simply respond that you are sorry he is angry, but you will no longer hide or tolerate his affair with "John's wife." Tell him you DEMAND he end all contact immediately or he will need to move out.

you don't fight, argue or allow him to bait you. If he attacks you verbally, then just leave the house.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
unwritten, This has taken a terrible toll on me and I want it to stop and I do have a backbone. Otherwise I would not still be trying to save my marriage. I am very concerned about my husband and I want to fight for him, but I wanted him to be responsible for what he has done himself. He has in the last 12 months watch me go downhill emotionally and physically and it doesnt seem to bother him at all. I was really hoping he would realize what he is doing and man up and stop himself. I have repeatedly told him to stop, I have moved out, talked like crazy, and still they keep going. I wanted this to come from him but it is not going to. I wanted her to see what she is doing but she is not going to either. As always it is up to me. I am going to expose them but I will need help.

We will be happy to help you. We will be right here alongside you guiding and supporting you.

The reason he did not stop is because he is addicted. In order to understand his mindset, you have to understand and equate him to a falling down drunk. A falling down drunk never stops until FORCED to sober up. It is the same with an affair. You must use drastic measures to get your husband to sober up. The only thing that will work is exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I have repeatedly told him to stop, I have moved out, talked like crazy, and still they keep going.

Exposure is no guarantee, but it gives you the BEST chance at saving your marriage. If he won't end ALL contact, you have to ask him to move out immediately. If you stay in contact with him under these conditions, it will greatly harm your emotional health. You probably already have some physical problems due to this terrible situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes I have suffered physically and actually spent a week in the hospital due to it. He operates his business from our home which is the reason I moved out the first time and not him. Financially he needs to operate this business and be home, it would be hard to make the leaving stick if we want to stay afloat financially. Already we are suffering because of all the time he takes to talk with her and not get his work done. Is there any other choice? That is why I moved back because of money, to keep an apt was too expensive. I have now realized he wont stop this he is addicted to her, which I suspected all along.

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Who is on your exposure list?

When will you be exposing?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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It is time to move to a paradigm shift and start thinking about divorce if he won't immediately end his affair. There will be no more "we" when it comes to financial issues in a divorce. Instead of thinking short term, you need to start thinking long term. In a divorce, where would he live? How would that be managed? Most judges will not make a woman leave her home, especially when there is infidelity and cruelty involved.

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Yes I have suffered physically and actually spent a week in the hospital due to it.

I am not saying this to scare you, but it is very common for women to have nervous breakdowns when dealing with affairs for very long. Dr Harley makes his female clients separate after THREE WEEKS. You have been dealing with this much longer. I think it is a blessing you showed up here on this forum.

So, you need to think about how you will separate. Evne if you have to leave yourself for awhile and then file to get your home back in the future. It won't be short term if he won't end his affair. It may be up to 2 years. If his affair doesn't end in 2 years, Dr Harley would suggest you move to divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We have talked several times about divorce and separation. we live in a 50/50 state so all must be divided between us. I have talked with a lawyer. I actually carry all the insurance and all our retirement. As I said he is self employed and has no retirement or savings. I have left for 4 months and all that did was allow them to talk and see each other easier, and it is very difficult to maintain no contact as I handle all personal and business finances, so I had to return to my beautiful home all the time and that was terrible. It takes both of us to maintain our home etc. That is part of the problem we need to sell our house. The only way I get through this is to set a goal to make it thru each day. I have been formulating a plan for exposure. He does not want a divorce and I really dont either. I had hope that by working on our marriage things would get better and he would stop going to her. I know he cant stop on his own and I know I am a coward. The problem is he loves us both and wont choose because he is going to hurt someone. He knows he is hurting me too right now. I need the help to end this one way or another.

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wife, you should focus 100% on a comprehensive exposure. This may kill the affair or hasten its death. However, if he won't end the affair immediately, you MUST separate from him. You can't stay in such a dangerous situation because it is toxic to your mental and physical health.

No couple is perpetually chained to one another so you will need to start to thinking about how to separate everything.

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The problem is he loves us both and wont choose because he is going to hurt someone.

He HAS chosen. He has chosen you both. He doesn't care that it hurts you.

Will you prepare to expose the affair this weekend? Can you take the time today putting together an exposure list?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
We have talked several times about divorce and separation. we live in a 50/50 state so all must be divided between us. I have talked with a lawyer. I actually carry all the insurance and all our retirement. As I said he is self employed and has no retirement or savings. I have left for 4 months and all that did was allow them to talk and see each other easier, and it is very difficult to maintain no contact as I handle all personal and business finances, so I had to return to my beautiful home all the time and that was terrible. It takes both of us to maintain our home etc. That is part of the problem we need to sell our house. The only way I get through this is to set a goal to make it thru each day. I have been formulating a plan for exposure. He does not want a divorce and I really dont either. I had hope that by working on our marriage things would get better and he would stop going to her. I know he cant stop on his own and I know I am a coward. The problem is he loves us both and wont choose because he is going to hurt someone. He knows he is hurting me too right now. I need the help to end this one way or another.

None of this changes any of the advice on this site to bust up the affair and save your marriage.

Nothing that you tell us to try to make us think your situation or your husband is different than any other person who posts here will not sway us.

You need to decide whether you are going to follow the advice here that has helped thousands upon thousands of people or just keep spinning your wheels doing what you've been doing which is the most likely to lead to divorce and damaged health for yourself.


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You are currently in Plan C, which is most likely to lead to divorce and a nervous breakdown.

We cannot help you with Plan C.

Last edited by SusieQ; 09/30/16 09:25 AM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
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There are women who have separated from their WH and gone completely dark, women who are stay at home moms with no income, and with several little children to coordinate. I don't think any reason you gave to show that you can*not* be separated or divorced from your husband can top that, do you? If they can do it, so can you. If your WH finally leaves you for OW, or her BH finds out about the affair and kicks her out and your WH moves her in, then what. Would you stay in that situation? Would you just keep hanging out to take care of business matters? No. Like many many women before you, you would find a way to separate your lives and move on.

This may not be an issue because exposure could potentially KILL the affair immediately. There is no guarantee but it is your best shot.

If exposure does not kill the affair, which is possible since it has been enabled for so long now, then you need to prepare to separate. You cannot live in these circumstances. I don't know why anyone would want to live in these circumstances.

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Let me tell you how this is going to play out if you choose not to expose. Because I know you are focused on how it may play out if you DO. If you don't here is what will happen:

1) WH will eventually just up and leave you for OW. This will happen because you will become such a basket case you will become very unattractive and will eventually be unable to meet the needs that are your job to meet due to your mental and physical health issues. You hanging around as his second option is already unattractive.


2) WH will continue to have OW and you, indefinitely. Think of that, indefinitely. We have seen affairs that go on for decades! Certainly, it will be a death of a thousand cuts for you to live this way, and you will shave years off your life.

3) WH will agree to end the A. But since you set the bar so low for yourself, you will have absolutely no leverage to require anything from him. Realize that even if and when an affair ends, there is recovery. Life doesn't just go back to normal, there is years of building back the love and trust that was lost. It can be done, but only if you follow certain steps to not only make your marraige affair proof, but also rebuild it into the best marriage it has ever been. If you tell your WH to never have contact with OW again, what would make him think you were serious? After years of enabling the affair and not setting any boundaries for yourself, what are you going to do now? Of course he will try to do the right thing, but he will have NO ACCOUNTABILITY and neither will she, and you will have no leg to stand on because he will know you are just going to hang around no matter what. So he WILL contact her again. The affair could go back and forth for the rest of your life. It has happened. Again, in this scenario, whether the affair is over and there is no recovery, or it is on again/off again for years, it will be a death of a thousand cuts for you and will shave years off your life.

Here's another set of options:

1) You expose far and wide. The affair ends THAT DAY. You give your list of requirements for YOU to stay in the marriage. He meets them. You rebuild and have a great marriage and put this behind you.

2) You expose far and wide. The affair ends that day. But he refuses to meet your requirements and you separate. He decides 'wow she is serious! I have to make up for this or she is actually going to leave me!' and then he decides to meet your requirements. He will know that you are a strong serious woman who is done taking his crumbs, and that he needs to step up or you are gone! He will, and you rebuild a great marriage.

3) You expose far and wide. The affair doesn't end. You separate and protect your love for him and your physical and mental health, while he finds out that OW can't really meet ALL of his needs, because now you are not there meeting the ones that you used to. What??? OW isn't actually perfect? Now she doesn't look as good! You give your list of requirements and decides to meet them. You rebuild a great marriage.

4) You expose far and wide. The affair doesn't end. You separate and protect yourself through a dark Plan B. He is just too wayward minded to end it with OW, and the affair never ends. Or it ends years later, after you have moved on. You have new and better things in your life. You don't even think about WH or OW anymore because you are too busy in your new kayaking club. Life is good.

Its your choice which set of options you want to choose from.

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You need to read this and listen to the clips in here.
BSs......Plan C is not a Plan


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I like you unwritten!!!!!! especially the kayaking club. I would love that. In the back of my mind if I expose this that will just make it easier for them to be together because her husband will leave her, which is what she is afraid of. Her husband is no coward I am thinking as this has happen to him before, he is just a man in the dark. I have been very committed to saving my marriage, that is why I am still trying. I have to be truly convinced an exposure is the right move. I will gather my list of exposures over the next few days. Anyone ever think I keep doing this because maybe I really want my marriage to end? I sure have thought of this...

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I like you unwritten!!!!!! especially the kayaking club. I would love that. In the back of my mind if I expose this that will just make it easier for them to be together because her husband will leave her, which is what she is afraid of.

If that is the case, do you think it is right to keep him in the dark about his life like he is a pet? You have basically become an accessory to the crime by keeping this secret for the OW. Do you understand the moral ramifications of that?

And secondly, lets say that he does kick her out once you expose and your H moves in with his girlfriend. That would be one of the BEST THINGs to happen to the affair because the fantasy will be destroyed quickly. Nothing worse for an affair than exposure to reality.

Exposure is the right move. You need to listen to people who are experienced in this. It gives you the BEST chance of recovery in an ethical way, whether that recovery is with your husband or without him.

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Anyone ever think I keep doing this because maybe I really want my marriage to end? I sure have thought of this...

No, I think you keep doing this because you are enabler who allows fear to warp her thinking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You will have ALOT of explaining to the OW's husband about why you helped them trick him. I don't think you are a mean person, but hiding an affair from the victim is CRUEL.

If his bookkeeper was stealing his money would you use these same excuses to not warn him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Her husband is no coward I am thinking as this has happen to him before, he is just a man in the dark.

Why is this OK with you? Are you a cruel woman?

If you saw a thief robbing your neighbors house while they were not home, would you call and tell them? Or just leave them in the dark?

There is nothing more I can say to urge you to do the right thing. It is your choice to make here.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You will have ALOT of explaining to the OW's husband about why you helped them trick him. I don't think you are a mean person, but hiding an affair from the victim is CRUEL.

If his bookkeeper was stealing his money would you use these same excuses to not warn him?

Cross post.

At least we are consistent! smile

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
In the back of my mind if I expose this that will just make it easier for them to be together because her husband will leave her, which is what she is afraid of.
Read older threads of betrayed spouses. None of them ever wrote they wished they never exposed. A lot of them wrote they wished they exposed sooner. Even if your marriage can't be saved, you can still save your sanity.

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