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She needs to quit her job.
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She will quit job in the NC letter we send this evening.
We will sell our house and get the heck out of town, moving closer to her family.
Her sisters gave her a serious dose of reality. Off to work on the NC letter.
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What about her assertion that the A was not physical? I can assure that it was.
And what about exposure to the children?
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She will quit job in the NC letter we send this evening. Has she agreed to 100% NC? Meaning she will never return to the workplace again?
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Since your WW is a multiple offender, please take these EPs extremely seriously. None of these should be skimmed over. How did your WWs first affair start? Was that also with a coworker?
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She will not return to work. She is changing phone number tomorrow. She has agreed to 100% NC. We are working on NC letter tonight. Since txt was primary mode of communication, it will be the last text sent from her old number tomorrow.
We read through the EP list together, and will start work immediately. I am calling to schedule a phone session tomorrow.
Her EA statement was corrected quickly, but she says it was a non sexual physical affair. I will press on the topic as step 1 of the EP list. STD testing will need to be done either way, I think.
Her first affair was with a mutual friend.
She is now a weeping apologetic person. Sorry for what she did to our family, and sorry the A is ending.
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Her first affair was with a mutual friend. How did that affair end? Did either of you ever see the friend again? Did he live nearby? Did he remain in your circle of friends?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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And what about exposure to the children?
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The first affair ended through exposure. It was much more deeply entrenched. It took a while to get myself on track and find evidence then. NC was fairly soon after exposure, and was complete. He lived in a different town, so separation was complete. The whole ordeal took nearly a year.
This time, the ordeal was less than a month. The problem is, we have to drive by OM farm to go anywhere, and OM drives equipment past our house frequently. It will be harder to get OM out of our circle, so to speak.
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The kids handled exposure better than expected. They were relieved to hear that WW was not continuing the inappropriate relationship with OM. The had both picked up the negativity in our M and were likely blaming themselves.
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Go tell her that now is the time to come clean, holding nothing back. Tell her you have evidence it was physical and that your marriage cannot recover unless she is completely honest. A marriage cannot recover based on lies.
If she won't tell you the truth, tell her you will need her to take a polygraph. She owes you the full truth. We talked until late last night. We went over the EP requirements, and began to work on them. The first order of operation is to establish radical honesty. She did not give me an honest answer to my question about the nature of the A. I have information to support that, but I do not want her to know what the information is at this time. She is still discussing things with facili-SIL, who lacks a moral compass. I will insist on an open policy with her communications starting today so that she can't continue to lead a dual life. When discussing the NC last night, after I thought we were on the same page, she said "what about our garlic planter, I should go get our garlic planter." Clearly, the concept hadn't sunk in yet at that time. After further discussion, she now gets it. ( I hope) I will press on the issue of radical honesty, and will let her know if she can't give straight answers a polygraph will be needed.
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This time, the ordeal was less than a month. The problem is, we have to drive by OM farm to go anywhere, and OM drives equipment past our house frequently. It will be harder to get OM out of our circle, so to speak. No, it won't be harder, it will be impossible unless you move. You have to make a choice, do you want to be married or do you want to live there. You absolutely cannot stay where you are and recover your marriage. You will be dealing with this affair for years and will finally divorce if you don't move. ...........this radio clip with Dr Bill Harley is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How contact should be ended: My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Mel, I am not fighting to stay here at all. It will be a daunting task to minimize and move a full scale blacksmith shop, but that pales in comparison to the work we have to save M.
I requested and was begrudgingly granted access to her phone. I looked at her late night text telling SIL about my request for details and her dishonest answer. The panic emoticon said it all. I reestablished the requirements for radical honesty, and explained what that means.
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Thanks Mel, I am not fighting to stay here at all. It will be a daunting task to minimize and move a full scale blacksmith shop, but that pales in comparison to the work we have to save M. I understand completely. I requested and was begrudgingly granted access to her phone. I looked at her late night text telling SIL about my request for details and her dishonest answer. The panic emoticon said it all. I reestablished the requirements for radical honesty, and explained what that means. Some of the critical extraordinary precautions are eliminating all avenues of contact. That would mean getting a new phone #, email address, eliminating social media, etc. Have you gone over all this with her? She needs to ELIMINATE any avenue of direct access. This is not of immediate concern, but it is pretty obvious your wife has poor boundaries around men and probably has opposite sex friendships. This is HOW affairs start. Can you rent out your home and move away? There are many ways to get out of there. For example, you could rent a place 45 minutes away, move there and drive to your blacksmith shop for work. I don't know if that would work, but I would start brainstorming solutions NOW so you can get out of there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have established more boundaries. The phone number will be changed in a couple of hours. We need to go to the bank within the hour to deposit 2 paychecks since they are under the table, and WW has no proof she worked. Once the deposit is made, the NC letter will go out, then the number will change.
She has reliably handed me the phone each time she has received a text. She has blocked OM, deleted contact, and deleted text thread.
We have discussed the nature of the A, and the timing. After fits and starts, I believe WW understands the policy of radical honesty. It started when he kissed her and she reciprocated the first week of her job (~9/28) It progressed from that point gradually, and became physical by the end of the second week. It increased in intensity to the point of mutual gratification a week later, and then oral. I stopped her at that point, gave her a list of required labs, and asked her to call her doctor for an exam.
On the home front, we have zero savings, and are income limited since she is no longer working. We live in the boonies, and our property is not really rentable. I am making the address change a priority, but it will take time. I do not make income as a blacksmith any more, and I will need to liquidate some of the equipment and materials in order to even show the place. This is a sad but necessary outcome of the A. My children love working in the shop, and have been swinging hammers since they were two.
I know I am singing the blues here, but it will be hard to make a quick exit from this "homestead". I will find every available option to make it happen as quickly as possible. In the meantime we are developing strategies to avoid triggers and inadvertent contact.
We have discussed her boundaries, and will work on that in our coaching sessions.
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You are doing great and I was cheering until I got to this point:
"boundaries, and will work on that in our coaching sessions."
What is a coaching session?? And why do you need a "coaching session" to establish boundaries?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are doing great and I was cheering until I got to this point:
"boundaries, and will work on that in our coaching sessions."
What is a coaching session?? And why do you need a "coaching session" to establish boundaries? If you are talking about MB phone coaching with Steve or Jen, I can tell you that I have had experience with both and also talking to Dr Harley on the radio show, as well as doing the online program. Since your WW is a serial/multiple cheater, your best bet is to eliminate any opportunity for a SSL and for affairs. That means that on top of the EP list you were provided from SAA, you spend all of your free time together and you probably want to look very closely at any type of job for your WW - probably will be best for her to avoid jobs were she is working closely, one on one or for long hours with men. That is the advice I got from Dr Harley, so I would recommend you write to him on the radio show, outline the 2 affairs your WW has had with the close friend and then the coworker and be sure to point out how quickly the affair happened after she hadn't been in the workforce and how quickly it progressed. I'm not sure that you will be that same advice from his kids from my own experience. And your M cannot afford any more affairs.
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I will consider the phone swap.
Isn't the marriage builders phone counselling called coaching?
We don't need help to establish boundries. We might need help figuring out why WW has trouble with boundries.
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