Thanks for clarifying! I was getting concerned. But you don't need to go to coaching to develop boundaries. You can follow Dr Harley's checklist.


She has trouble with boundaries because she does not observe them. She needs to observe proper boundaries. That will solve the problem. She needs to END all opposite sex friendships and stop having personal conversations with men.

She has trouble because it feels good to get her ENs met by other men outside of the M. It's really as simple as that.

I talked to Dr Harley about this EXACT issue with my ex, and he gave me the same answer that he has on this site. Spending time on the "why" is a big waste of your time and will not help you to recover the marriage.

Waywards love to go to counseling to talk about the WHY vs actually putting EPs into place.

Thanks SusieQ for this info on the coaching. I have had a solo session with Steven, which helped a lot with Plan B last time. I will write to Dr. Harley, and will extend the EP list as suggested. We are currently watching the infidelity video on the MB site. When we are done I will discuss the "extra" layers of protection that will be required.

I have taken another day off work for more discussions and rebuilding. Yesterday we spent all day together, with Halloween parties for kids, a walk in the woods midday, and trick or treating at night. We stayed up late talking and watching MB videos, then held each other as we fell asleep.

WW will be tested today for STD, one of hurdles to rebuilding intimacy.

Tomorrow I will work, and WW will got to a MOPS meeting at church and will spend the rest of the day with an informed female church friend.

Webwatcher is still in stealth mode.

Good job! And a word of warning, your spyware should stay in stealth mode forever. FOREVER. Radical honesty does not apply to spy resources.

NC letter was sent.


OM, I want you to know that out of respect for my husband and children I have realized that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel and selfish act that my family did not deserve. While I can't completely repay my husband for the pain I have caused him, I will make sure that this will not happen again. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

10 minutes before she sent it, I stopped at farm to retrieve our garlic planter, see OM face to face, and request final paycheck. I got the planter unobserved, and did not see anyone. I heard a tractor so I drove to back of barn, got out and said "Are you OM? I am WW husband. I came to get garlic planter and WW final paycheck."

He said she was on direct deposit. Unfortunately WW went on the books last week. I said "Thank you. Please do not contact WW again." He pointed at me threateningly, and said "Don't tell me what to do." I said, "I am simply making a request that you will also hear directly from her." Then I drove off.

Was that an actual letter or do you mean text? I don't think this OM will take a text seriously at all.

Who was exposed to on the OM side?

I'm really worried that there will be more d-days in your future until you get out of there.

It should have been hand-written by your wife, and checked and sent, or emailed, by you.

She sent it?

How did she send it?

Did you witness the sending?

If this is what happened, he's not going to take the NCL seriously and if your WW refuses to send a letter, shes probably not serious either.

She sent it via text,the only form of communication they had except face to face. She can send it in writing as well. I watched her send it. I saw the delivery confirmation on WW.

Phone number will be changed today.
We are sitting at clinic for testing.

We have planned and utilize alternate routes to avoid OM house and farm.

PA kissing happened at farm several times. SC oral occurred at OM house 3 times at lunch, most recently last thursday. No Intercourse occurred.

She is completely willing to send in writing, and was simply following my (poor) suggestion to send via txt since that is how they communicated.

I understand now that written would be more personal. We will have to drive past OM house after clinic to get address. We will also send to farm.

I could only target OM mom and daughter. OM is sole proprietor with only a few employees. No social media active according to been verified. I got no response from daughter, and snail mail perhaps arriving today for mother.

Unfortunately many WS will trickle truth their BS's. She started by saying this was a non PA and has escalated to physical but no intercourse - again, this is normal.

I'm sorry to tell you that I don't believe her. I think the only way you will be able to know for sure is by poly. The thing that usually keeps an A from being full blown PA is if there is no opportunity = the affairees don't have access to each other, i.e. An online affair. But here, there was ample opportunity.

Did she ever admit the first affair was a full blown PA or did she trickle truth out in that case as well?

The problem is if she is by herself, there is nothing to stop her from going over there. You cannot trust her to have the self-control not to go there. That is not the way NC works. It is the opposite, if she has opportunity you should expect for her to be very tempted and the likelihood of broken NC to be very high.

I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer and the only reason I am pointing these things out is that I don't want you to keep getting hit by the dday train.

I would have to agree. Something that stood out to me is that she has had an affair before, and it took her less than 1 week to start this affair with OM. Get a poly. It will help her know that you expect 100 transparency now and forever.

ETA:

Considering that it was less than a week, I would also ask in the poly about any other affairs you don't know about. Wouldn't surprise me.

She asked me to sit in (awkward) on std exam yesterday. Doctor said she was not sexually active and had to go get smaller equipment. We have had intercourse only once in last year.

She did not trickle last time, after realizing that full disclosure was essential to my agreement to save M. Shortly after DDAY I had the whole truth.

Handwritten NC letter has been mailed. WW wrote it and I didn't have to change anything.

OM, I am writing to you so that you know the relationship I had with you has ended. It was thoughtless and selfish. It hurt many people, particularly my husband and kids, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I love my family deeply and will no longer do anything to risk their happiness. I will not be contacting you and ask that you do the same. I do not want to see or hear from you. Please respect my decision to end our relationship and have no further contact.

Thank you,
WW

Mailed by whom?

We put it in box together, but it is our roadside box. Now I am having concerns that it will be changed. WW sister (not facili-SIL ) told her it sounded like I wrote it. I spoke with her. She said WW should say she no longer has feeling for OM. I said letter should not be empathetic in any way.

She was supposed to go to MOPS today, but she said she was too emotional. Now I am at work and she is home alone with a spurned rapist around the corner.

She has been on phone with sister for a long time.

Just leave it as is. The letter was written by Dr Harley.


Just know that every time you leave is an opportunity for her to see him. It will drive you crazy.