Maybe I missed it but I don't see what happened with this...

Why do you believe this? You shouldn't believe a WORD that comes out of his mouth.

No but I will tomorrow. He's with my mother right now.

He got a phone call about the job while he was with me and i heard the other person asking questions about the job and he was responding with his salary requirements etc....

I don't think BWs get this.

If the affair doesn't end and this leads to divorce (which is where this is heading now), the divorce will be financially devastating, your WH will not want to support you and you will also not be with your child some of the time, potentially 50% of the time.

Stay at home moms don't seem to want to believe this. Your WH and his OW will be fighting you for every cent if this goes to D. If it was up to my ex WH (who had agreed to support me at the time we separated) he would have had me thrown on the street and moved into the house and had me pay him child support while the OW took care of my children.

Don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

Listen I'm not sure why you are so combative but I'm a little aggravated with your method here. I have been trying to do everything I'm supposed to do I'm not a MB expert. Making me feel stupid is not productive.

I see some trickle exposure happening and it's concerning to me. I'd hate to see you regret doing exposure in a less effective way. You've really only got ONE shot to get it right.

Listen, a poster on a site trying to help you avoid divorce is not the problem here. The affair is.

I am more than happy to step aside and let others help you. I have a very limited time to help out here so that's fine. Good luck!

And I'm not saying I don't appreciate the help. I'm just saying I'm tryin and I thought I was doing everything correctly. I do appreciate the advice.

I also have another problem. The only apartments he can find are going to put us into debt. What do I do??? He has no family and one friend in the area and my whole family is here. I almost want to move into my moms. Not to make life easier for him but because I'm worried about money. I know he chose this. It's a consequence of his actions. I'm so confused.

This is not your problem. He has to support you. I would stop talking about this immediately and go into a very dark Plan B. If he doesn't want to pay for an apartment he can get another job and end his affair. That is his option. It is not your job to give up your home to accommodate his affair.


This is something you need to prepare for in separation. Let him worry about supporting you. He has to legally continue to pay your bills and support you.

In the meantime, I would start writing your Plan B letter and go into a super dark Plan B. You can have your sister email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com. Let me know when you have read this and I will remove it.

And please don't get upset at Susie, she has been in your shoes and is immensely helpful and caring. She sees a person sitting on the traintracks and is concerned for your welfare. If I were in your shoes I would most certainly want her on my side. You are in good hands, my friend!

Why can't he rent a little room in a boarding house?

we're moving forward with him in his own apartment. He will move in tomorrow or the following day.

April, please step back from this and go into Plan B. His moving plans should be entirely of his own doing.

Are you familiar with Plan B?

Yes. I will draft a letter today. I intend to give it to him tomorrow. I just want him to get his stuff today and then I intend to do plan B and not see him anymore. I know I've muddied things a bit, but I know I have to do it.

How do I write Plan B letter without all the, I want to work on our marriage stuff. He doesn't want to do that. He wants a divorce. I found this one on Affaircare....it seems to fit my situation best. Could I use it as a template?

"Dear W,

I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we�re in. I never imagined this would happen to us.

I know that you�ve been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I�m aware that my behavior in the past contributed in part to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I�ve worked very hard these past 21 months to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me and our daughter as well. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I�ve made have improved my relationships with many of the people in my life, especially <daughter>. We�re closer now than ever. People can change if they�re willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are. I did that and I�m proud of the person I�ve become.

I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can begin to slowly rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and start to become a family again, for our sake and our daughter�s. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said �I do�. I�m not naive, I know there�s been a lot of damage done. We�d likely need the help of someone like Steve Harley to guide us in learning better ways to communicate, meet each other�s emotional needs and begin to rekindle the spark of emotional intimacy between us. It won�t be easy, but it can be done. I�ve had the good fortune this past year to meet many people who have been able to do it.

I�ve suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage fall apart, learning about your relationship with <OM> and dealing with our impending divorce, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain became too much to bear and I could not continue to live the way we were, so I had no choice but to move out for my own emotional well being. This wasn�t an easy thing for me to do, but it was a necessary step.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your husband, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don�t, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your daughter, it is simply too painful. I cannot continue to have you rely on me like a husband when you have a problem or need help with something. It makes me feel uncomfortable and used. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me except for issues regarding <daughter>. This is something I believe is necessary to preserve and protect the love I still have for you before it slips away.

As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our daughter�s happiness and make her life as fulfilling as possible.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that <OM> is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,
"

Oh, I also exposed to our son this morning. It was really hard to hear him upset after I told him that Daddy had been lying to mommy and him. But I know it was the right thing to do. I explained what he had done, and how he broke his promise to love only me when we got married. I told him Daddy chose to start loving another lady, and that he has been lying about where he is when he's not with us. My son got very upset and wanted to call WS. He asked WS why he lied and why he broke mommy's heart. He told him he doesn't want him to lie to us anymore. He asked him if he could stop thinking about the other lady and start thinking about mommy. He is a very strong kid, but I don't want him to think he has to take care of my emotional needs so I am calling around to some child psychologists today so I can get him someone to talk through this with, that has the proper tools to do so.

April, here is the letter from SAA that I would suggest using. I wouldn't mention divorce at all. The reason he is bringing up divorce is because of his affair. If the affair goes away, the divorce talk is likely to go away. Do you have the book SAA?

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

The poor child. He will be just fine, April. You did the right thing. I am assuming you told him the name of the OW? Poor kid.

And I want to applaud you for taking the tough steps. You have been a real trooper and I know it has been so hard for you. I promise you that better times are in the future.

Thank you Melody. Yes, I told him her name.

Can you please post your letter so we can give you feedback?

Is your sister going to be your IM?

The Plan B letter needs to be delivered in a way that you can avoid any discussion with him. For example, you could hand it to him in an envelope when he drops your son off and say "please read this later when you are alone." What you don't want to happen is for him to open it right there and get into a discussion. There should be NO discussion whatsoever after the letter is delivered.

Other things to consider about Plan b:

1. he will initially refuse to communicate through your IM. Be prepared for this by NOT allowing him to get through to you. your sister needs to be prepared to send this persistent message: if you want to get a message to April it will have to be through me or nothing

2. he will try to communicate directly and you need to be prepared to block his efforts. Bounce his emails, block his # on your phone, turn off your answering machine

3. send the letter with a visitation schedule. ADD a line saying that you will expect him to continue to pay the bills and support you and your son

4. you must notify the OW's husband about his apartment so he can be on the watch.

5. follow the instructions on the Plan B letter to send a copy to the OW - at her house - with a note as suggested in SAA

6. did you expose to the OW's family? Have you spoken to her parents?