It's not as black and white as you'd like to see it.
They (my wife, the OM and her friends) were all classmates. My wife and the OM were always friends. I've met the OM while my wife was in college several times in a friendly way. She talked about me in a positive way numerous times in their texts.

The problem is that she started to feel infatuated with him. She wrote down those feelings in her journal but never talked about those feelings with the OM. What she did do is contact him much more frequently, started discussing more emotional matters about her personal insecurities (NOT about our marriage) with OM and she met him a few times to talk about their business projects without telling me. And yes, I'm sure they talked about business because I've seen the business plans and I've seen business documents that were created on the date that they met.

I would have no problem if she just kept talking to the OM every few weeks/months like she used to (like friends). This changed because she started talking daily with him and started meeting him in person. That could've turned into a sexual affair, and that's why I'm here.
----

I used the word affair when I exposed to her friends. (written)
She already met with one of her friends and she (her friend) condemned this situation and offered her support to end al ties with OM.

This is exactly how 99% of affairs start. It starts with an opposite sex friendship that slowly grows into an affair. Do you still feel you would have no problem with it now that you have seen the outcome?

Your WW's affair is not special. Its not any different than any other affair we see on these forums, and she's not that different than any other cheater. Most cheaters don't go looking for an affair to happen. It begins with an OS friendship.

Dr Harley has an article about this. Have you read it?

Risk of Opposite Sex Friendship article

Thinking that your WS is "different" somehow (aka everything is not black and white) is a part of BS denial, which is probably one of the biggest issues we deal with on these forums.

This denial leads BSs to skip steps such as learning the full details of the affair and implementing appropriate EPs, which we are already seeing with you here, talking about allowing your WW to continue having OS friendships so long as they are not sexual affairs.

Being in denial about the fact that an EA vs a PA hurts your recovery. It will keep your WW foggy and keep the door open to her SSL (secret second life) and the last thing you need is to have more d-days down the road.

I've been on this forum for almost 10 years, Alex. If a person is involved in an EA and makes any kind of "trip" to see the OP or the OP has some type of "travel" that involves visiting your WS, this means it was a PA. That's ALWAYS the case. Just because your WW had some type of old friendship with this guy does not make this situation different.

Once enough LB$ deposits are made, the need for the affair to become physical becomes IRRESTIBLE. This is true for your WW. Again she is no different, having a previous friendship with the OM does not make this somehow not true for her. Look:

Link: Are Friends a Threat to Your Marriage

Do you call it a PA because they met in person, or do you mean you assume they had sex (or any other inappropriate physical activity?

No.
We installed a no same-sex friendship rule for us both.
Both of us now realize that the risk is too high for anyone, including myself.

They met and had some type of physical activity. I don't think there will be ONE person on this forum that would tell you differently.

When people who are in an EA have physical contact with each other, it QUICKLY escalates to PA. Every time.

I've re-read your thread just now. I hate to pile on you but I see that you are on the path to getting hit by the train hard again.

To recap things that have been pointed out but haven't really been flushed out on this thread:

1) This is basically a LTA where your WW has met with the OM several times without you, and she hasn't admitted to an EA. No plans for poly.

2) OM's BW hasn't been exposed to

3) WW works at IT firm where you have no access to what she is doing on the computer and phone there. So you don't have transparency.

4) WW is going to psychologist to work on "personal issues"

Any ONE of these items would be concerning and you have FOUR. I hate to be a Debbie Downer but I see more d-days in your future.

I just watched Dr. Harleys videos with my wife and we're working very hard on our marriage. Your negativity is driving me away from this forum. I understand that you're trying to help me, but freaking out on every detail, while we are clearly covering all the major tips that Dr. Harley provided is starting to feel like you're the type of person who like to create a problem for every solution instead of the other way around.

Alex, the warnings you are getting are a result of long experience. No one here wants you to have to learn the hard way, because the hard way in this situation may result in the loss of your marriage. If you see someone sitting on a train track with the train headed for them, do you warn the person or do you help him pretend there is no train coming? We aren't being negative, we are trying to help you see red flags. Dr Harley, for example, has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for most of his career and here are some of the things he says:

here

"small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous..." Dr Bill Harley

Page 66 in Surviving an Affair

I am alarmed at some of the gaps in your situation. I am not saying this to be negative, but because I care about your situation. We are here paying it forward because we are passionate about recovery.

The first most glaring gap is the fact that the OM's wife has not been informed. I am not sure why since this can only benefit everyone. Not telling the OM's wife leaves that door open for your wife to resume her affair. The OM's wife can't watch from her end and she can't protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband if she doesn't know.

Polygraphs are very common when there have been affairs. If you have reason to believe you don't have the full truth, and I believe you do, what would it hurt? It would ease your mind and it would help you establish trust. That is in your best interest and your wife's. If you have doubts, this gives her a great opportunity to prove herself. A win-win for all.

Please don't be offended that we point out these gaps. We are not being negative. The cost of failure is too high when there has been an affair. Susie experienced this first hand and is very good at seeing the gaps. I am hopeful you take her advice because she is exactly right.

When will you be exposing to OM's BW?

Can anyone give me advice on how she could ask her work to change her business email (valid excuse)?

"Freaking out on every detail" is basically what we do here. People come here and want to cut corners and don't make it. Unwritten wrote about this to you earlier in the thread. In fact, she tried to address many of the issues that you say I am 'freaking out about" and it looks like she might have given up and abandoned the thread.

Dr Harley's infidelity video does not encapsulate his program. That's basically a primer, and his book SAA, articles on this site, his radio show and his online program do. We have provided quotes and links for you for all of the things we are trying to address so please do not dismiss our advice by saying you are following the "major points".

I realize you are upset and this is a difficult time. Believe me, I get it! But arguing with posters doesn't help. We are not the enemy. The affair is. The worst thing we could do is pat you on the back and allow you to just skim over huge gaps in your recovery plan when we know it is just going to backfire and hurt you down the road.

LTA is long term affair. You said your W has been pursuing this relationship with this man for 10 years against your wishes. That means this is more serious than a regular affair and recovery will be more difficult. It will be harder to keep your WW and this OM apart. Unwritten tried to address this with you earlier but I don't think I saw an acknowledgement from you that you understand this.


The poly that has repeatedly recommended by myself and others is because you said this:


We know the bomb is there and will eventually drop and it will ruin all of the hard work you are doing. If you think what you are going through now is painful, false recovery is MUCH more painful. We have a brand new poster w/n the past few days on this forum who told his BW his A was a EA and not a PA and now years later she found out the truth and their M may now not be recoverable.

The poly is the solution to the problem you presented to us. Dr Harley would tell you to get the poly and a link for more on his thoughts on poly was provided to you earlier in the thread. I spoke to Dr Harley personally about the fact that my ex H was saying his A was an EA and Dr Harley was skeptical about that and told me to do further investigation.

What is the plan with regards to this?

Will you please answer this?

An update post.

You're trying to persuade me to have her take a polygraph and inform the OM's wife because you are convinced it will help crush the affair and help our marriage. I heard you loud and clear.

I will explain you my reasons not to do this.

New update: my wife agreed to take a polygraph test if I want her to.
Second update: she will cancel the appointments with the psychologist that wanted to work on her personal issues

How I feel:
Every polygraph test has a margin for errors. This is a fact. Secondly, and much, much more important, I know how I am wired.
Please listen very close to me now: even when my wife takes a polygraph test that confirms her story, and proves that she did not lie to me, I will still have doubts because I'm the type of person who likes to bring things back up from the past and let it turn in my head, even when it's supposed to be let go.

This makes me conclude that a polygraph will not help ME to ease my mind.

This is something that I need to recover from on my own.

Next topic.

I fully understand that the OM's spouse can be used as an extra asset to protect a marriage and as a guardian against a relapse.

I do not feel like this is true in our situation.
First of all, I do not believe I'm a special little snowflake.
What makes this situation different though?

The OM's wife does not speak a single word of English. Please envision this for a second. If the OM would change my wife's name to 'Bob' in his phone, he could email or, for all he cares, even talk to my wife on the phone while his wife is standing next to him without her ever getting wiser. So why would I bother? To scare him? I feel like sending a picture of my gun collection would do a much better job. (I'm typing this jokingly, no need to call the police...)

My wife and I have worked from home for the last 4 weeks, spending every moment together. I am 100% certain there hasn't been any contact in the meanwhile.

I am positive that if I would contact the OM's wife, he will contact my wife again.

Please understand that he doesn't have a clue that my wife has a crush on him to this degree. I know this from reading thousands of messages. Of course he's not a retard and understands that they are close. They talked about life, about difficult issues in their childhood, about setting up a business together. The romance and infatuation was happening in my wife's mind. She wrote it down in her private diary which she agreed to let me read. That's how I know. She never expressed such thoughts to him.

I want to invest our time and energy in rebuilding our marriage. This feels like we keep dwelling on the affair instead of moving on. In the last four weeks we've had a lot of fights (mainly because I wanted to keep digging for details, but she keeps saying she told the whole story) but also had the best talks and loving moments in years. To conclude my rant, we�re going on a vacation for a week together, leaving tomorrow. In that time, I will try to constrain myself from posting on this forum. I do appreciate any help, but I hope I made my objections clear.

It is not just for selfish purposes, it is for her own good. She needs to know about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from YOUR WIFE and her husband. It is an ETHICAL obligation. Your wife can't very well claim redemption if she won't even make sure her victim is informed. You should not become an accessory to that crime by helping them hide the crime from her.


I am positive that this is a bull**** excuse to avoid doing the right thing. First off, if he does contact your wife that only says that your marriage is not affair proofed. How can he possibly contact your wife if she has ended the affair and closed that door?? This excuse does not supersede the OM's W right and need to know.


Please listen very closely. Do you have psychic powers that allow you to foresee that she will pass the polygraph? If you do, your psychic powers should have shown you the utilitarian effect of polygraphs. Yes, most waywards on our forum pass polygraphs. Want to know why? IT IS BECAUSE THEY REVEAL ALL BEFORE THEY TAKE THE TEST. When the test is scheduled, more information always comes out before the test. They do not want to flunk the test, so they sing like a parrot. By the time the test is taken, the BS feels he/she has all the relevant information.


This feels to us like you are trying to cut corners and you have been warned about this. You are dealing with a long term affair and you cannot afford to cut corners. Half measures will avail you nothing. You need to a) get all the truth and b) inform the OM's wife so she can protect herself.

Stop telling us to listen to you and take the cotton out of your ears. Your best thinking has led you to this terrible place. Your best thinking won't lead you out of this.

Please walk me through this. How is the OM's wife going to protect her marriage from my wife after she knows this?

Are you suggesting that I get his wife to change all of his contact numbers? Please be as specific as possible.

To me, it all comes down to constraint at the end of it.
Suppose I would do this, what keeps them from going to a cyber cafe on a computer that I can never run spy software on, with a fake email address and continue their ways? This is not a rhetorical question, tell me how can I possible prevent this without locking my wife up in the house without access to a phone or the internet?

The reality is that if they really want to continue their relationship they will always be able to find a way. This is why I feel I need to be concentrating on our marriage instead of these two rules.

And I know get why I should contact his wife. Just allow me a minute to wrap my head around this.