I have no idea why this makes any difference or this is even being brought up as an issue. You can have a message translated to her language. Problem solved.

This will be very specific.

What they do with their marriage after you expose the affair is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Your WW interfered with their marriage in a very serious dangerous way and this poor woman has a right to know that.

Can you please answer my previous post about them being able to go to a cyber cafe? (the topic of constraint and being able to find a loop hole in my/our efforts)

The language problem is an issue because -from my point of view- she cannot be used as an asset to check up on her husband because she can't understand (FUTURE) communication anyway. I'm not going to translate hundreds of messages to her to make my point. I cannot simple take one message and translate it, because standing on their own, the messages don't look dramatic at all. It's the combined story that makes it alarming.

The only proof I could come up with is taking my wifes private diary, take pictures, translate the words for her and send it to her, and this is never ever going to happen. This is totally ludicrous.

Do you want to know how you are special and your situation is different?

Your W has been pursuing this man, her college crush, for 10 years and kept communicating with this man against your wishes and even after it reaching the level of a A, you are looking for ways to absolve your W of wrongdoing. In fact, your entire first post was FILLED with points trying to minimize your W's A with a married man.

Look:

She was not "blindly" walking into an physical affair. She was not looking for a father figure. She has been actively pursuing this man for years, a man that she admitted she had a "crush" on. She is not the victim of a womanizer. She was trying to MAKE this happen. Any objective third party can see this for what it is.

A good MB friend of mine told me that my own use of the phrase about "needing to work on trust" (something you talked about also) was a signal that I ignored my gut instincts and preferred to try to make excuses in my head for some of my ex H's behavior....and also that I was in the habit of being gaslit. She told me it was important for me to recognize this about myself.

I think you need to recognize that you have a habit of not being objective when it comes to your W and preferring to sweep issues under the rug in order to avoid conflict/upsetting your wife. We see this a lot here on the forum, but this is one of the more extreme cases I have seen of it.

You HAVE proof - you have your WW's admission of an affair. That's enough. You don't have to send this woman any pictures of your W's diary and nobody ever told you that you needed to do that. Nobody told you to translate your W's messages. You would translate your OWN message to this woman about the fact that there was an affair.

Even if you don't believe she will be an asset, you have a MORAL and ETHICAL obligation to let this woman know about this affair. While many WW's will leave their BH's for the OM, most men are just looking for a fling on the side and do NOT want to lose their wives. Exposure to a BW of the OM usually is a nail in a coffin for an affair. Which is actually why most WW's will absolutely do everything in their power to keep their BH from doing this one exposure.

You should change your lifestyle to make an affair impossible. You should spend all of your free time together and your W shouldn't be going off to cafes by herself to use her phone. If she does restart the affair this way, it will not take very long for you to recognize the signs that she's up to something. So long as you do not tip her off to your suspicions and/or badger her about what she's up to and quietly investigate instead.

A person who has a SSL raises red flags that are not hard to spot. This is in the basic concepts and articles on the site and you should know this from your WW's past behavior.

If you expose to the OM's BW, then the chance that she could even restart this affair is decreased.

This the language of a BS who is in the habit of conflict avoidance and who wants to cut corners.

We have seen this before, Alex.

First off, it is none of your damn business how she will stop your creepy wife and her creepy husband from messing with her marriage behind her back. That will be entirely up to her how she capitalizes on that opportunity. It is none of your business or your concern. What matters is that you do the DECENT THING and warn her so she has the opportunity to protect herself.

You need to wrap your mind around THAT.

I would like to dig deeper here.
In the last 10 years there were times where they would only have very superficial contact every few months, sometimes even once a year.

It was very random, like how are you, what job, goodbye.

Their relationship was nothing more than this for years. The reason why my wife and I had discussions about it, was because I don't believe in same-sex friendships (like I should).

A year and a half ago there was a life event and she looked for advice among friends (not about our marriage), including OM. They started talking more and more often, monthly became weekly and weekly become daily, and now we are here.

That's how it went. And yes I understand the love bank concept, so I know how it happened.

We are actively trying to get pregnant while this happened. If you're trying to tell me that she was knowingly trying to MAKE this happen, and I would believe you, then I would divorce her today.

I can't give certain details to protect my privacy, but you can be very sure that she's very confident about having children with me. Why would she run off with OM during this process?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I guess we are supposed to assume here that this woman is too stupid to get an interpreter?


The only thing here is that "totally ludicrous" is your heartless complacence about this woman's safety and security. If someone else knew about your wife's affair, you would HOPE they would they have the decency to inform you. That is what DECENT people do.

Her logic and decision to have a baby does not dictate her love bank. Our emotions don't follow logic. And without proper precautions, we mess up our logical decisions.

If you understand the love bank like you say you do, then that contradicts your belief that because she was willing to have a child, she was not seeking opportunity with OM as well.

Living blind might work for the short term. However, by not verifying the truth, you make a weak structure weaker and more vulnerable.

You must know the truth in order to heal. The OM'S wife must know the truth in order to have a choice about her future. You have the tools and opportunity to set the proper recoveries in motion- polygraph to confirm the facts and the exposure to further stronghold the boundaries. You can save the OM'S wife from years of a fake life. You can send your wife a message that you will seek out the truth and hold her accountable for it. It will reinforce the end goal of recovery.

It's scary but worth it. When your spouse agrees to a polygraph, do it! BIG mistake not to. I have made that mistake before and won't make it again. When you can't believe your spouse (obviously addicts and Waywards become liars) then a polygraph is a godsend.

Update:

I have followed up the rules and contacted the OM's wife using the template (FB message) last week. She has not yet answered me, but I guess it's out of my hands now.

I feel a strong urge to contact the OM as well. Is this recommended or the contrary? I want to know how he feels about my wife and what his (hidden) agenda was.

My wife and I had difficult talks and I feel confident that I know the truth now.
I feel a lot of resentment to the point where I question to get a divorce. I still love her deeply and she wants to stay together too because she loves me.
I'm afraid I will never be able to forgive her and that I will forever keep thinking about it. Do you think this is reason enough to get a divorce? When we don't talk about the affair and concentrate on our marriage and the love bank principle I feel very good and even better than before the affair, but I keep having setbacks.

My wife feels like I should make a choice. Either keep building on a positive way and stop talking (digging) about the affair, or end it because she (and we both are tbh) are emotionally drained.

What should I do next?

Sending a FB message to someone who is not a FB friend, will not be notified by FB. She might not see or read the message.
Why would you want to know how this man feels about your wife? If you contact him, only to tell him that he should never contact your wife ever again. And it does not have to be in the form of a polite request.

What makes you feel confident you know the whole truth? We've seen many cases of false recovery, because the betrayed spouse didn't have all the information. What makes you sure you have all the info if you refuse to have her take a polygraph?
If you want to recover, you first make sure you know all the details you need to know. And after that, you never bring it up again. If you discover new info after that, it will set you back again. Also, if you keep bringing up the past, you will not recover.

Then you set extraordinary precautions, so the circumstances that made the affair possible are avoided. Very important, because of the addictive nature of an affair and in your case, how long it has been going on.

Then you recover by creating a romantic relationship that is better than before the affair. You do this by following the MB plan.

Did you read the article on forgive and forget?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

For now I have found no other way to contact OM's wife.

--

I want to find out how strong his urge is to contact her again.
All contact numbers have been changed and/or blocked, but I want to get in his head. This is probably never going to happen.

--

The whole truth: because she agreed to a polygraph.
I arranged a date and show her the questions I wanted to ask and let her sit on it for a few days. She answered all those questions but I couldn't let the polygraph take place because of financial reasons. For me this is sufficient. If you want to help me have her take a polygraph I would be happy to share my bank account via DM.

--

Recovery:

There will always be something I will never know: meaning, I want to know every word she ever spoke to him. Not a polygraph, not anything will make that happen. I am confident that they did not have sex (that was for me the ultimate deal breaker for divorce) and now I have to focus on building myself up, and building our marriage back up.

I still think about all the details but when I have a lucid moment I realize that those are futile. But at bad times I keep digging in my mind.

His urge to contact her will be strong, just like any addiction. No need to ask him.

You don't need to know every word, but you need to know essential information as what made the affair possible and how to avoid those circumstances in the future. You need to know the logic of the affair (what emotional needs were neglected in your marriage).

Your reluctance on taking a polygraph in this thread was quite obvious. As far as begging for money for a polygraph, divorce will cost you a wee bit more than a polygraph.

This was rude and unnecessary. Especially considering you have never mentioned anything about wanting a poly before and finances being the barrier.

In fact you keep emphatically telling us that the poly is not necessary despite it being clear for your own posts that you do need one.

Agree with goody. Don't know what you would be referring to with the "hidden agenda". Both the OM and your WW had an agenda by having an affair - getting their EN's met outside of marriage which felt gooooood.

It sounds more like you are hoping to get more information from the OM about the affair. We've already told you how to accomplish that.

Advice needed please;

A close friend of the OM, who's a mutual friend of my W, contacted her via a network application.
The close friend asked her: can you call me?

Nothing more, nothing less. My W informed me minutes after she got this message.

What should we/she do? Ignore? Send him a letter to keep his distance?

Is this mutual Friend male or female?

Male. I have no idea if he knows about the affair or not. Wife of mutual friend is also a mutual friend, so contact is not weird, but the timing surely is. Also asking to call him instead of eg asking "how are you lately" is also pretty weird. Timing is off...
It could be a simple hello how's life, or OM could be using a mutual friend to get in contact again. What's your advice?