Added. I just looked at her credit card statements and activity. She has spent nothing on him. I can account for everything she has spent is either on the kids or meals here or incidentals. Maybe a tank of gas over the course of 9 days.

I did make it clear i was not financing the affair. Looks like so far she is respecting that.

The hardest fogbabble is the whole...they can't commit to breaking up with you entirely...but won't break off the affair either. Playing both sides of the coin...my WW will say in anger to get the divorce. But when i cancelled her authorized user accounts on MY credit cards..."Oh...you are ruining my life..you are doing everything to separate us...not me...i need time...and you are just in such a rush" Yeah right. Kinda thought that what you were doing to us was separating us.

But about the showers and laundry....??

Well...I got her to laugh.

I was standing outside with my 12 yo daughter today and out of the blue she said

"Dad...If you get a new girlfriend...Don't get a prostitute...My freinds' dad did that and it was a mess"

Am I shameful for sharing that with my WW just to get her to smile from something I shared? Yes...I used it for that purpose...It worked...It's all I got right now.

WW is now wearing a ring from OM.

I tried to kill the affair. It only got stronger. I didn't react. I am controlling that now ..Have to show just kindness and no DJs.

What do I hold onto? I feel so desperately I need some sign of hope.

I have another question:

I have it on good authority that at some point the newness will wear off for OM and then he will start making selfish demands. He will not want to share her with WW's children and then he will start wandering. He has this history. Through exposure...I have spoken to BW and BGF and learned a lot.

In an effort to KILL the affair, is it reasonable for me to request that since i am providing ALL financial support, that she provide 50% of the support of the children.

Mind you..she is here every morning and evening, but I would like to request she spend every other night and every other weekend here...sleeping her...to give me a break...so i have those periods of downtime.

Is this an unreasonable request that will only cause trouble?

If it is not unreasonable...what is the best way to do it?

Thanks!

Letter I wrote.


Hi again.

I know you think that I don't matter right now...I know you are in the fog of an affair that feels good. So I expect nothing to really sink in right now.

I hope you see I am being careful not to hurt you and trying to do for you what I can. No resentment...No hurt. I know the previous 9 days have been a Rollercoaster. I know you know deep down I had to go through my stages of grief to get to a better place.

I want you to know that I have forgiven you. That all I want is to move forward. You and I both came from broken homes. Look what it has done to us. That pain that came from that are major players in where our own relationship is today. And deep down you know that.

Please don't make us another statistic. Please don't make us do this to our kids too. Let us rise above. Let us be better people than those that raised us. Let us try. We know we haven't done it right. I know in your fog right now you think that I just wasn't here for you. I get that. But you also need to get that you never let me give you 100%. And you never gave me 100%. Think about how much stronger we can be if we try.

It's not just that. I want the best for you. I am going to follow MB 100% because if I don't...Even if I move on from you...I will keep repeating my mistakes. Over and over...And never truly be happy. If not with you. I will use it for someone else. But for you ..And for me...And for our family. I want to walk the road with you

You are my everything. My moon, my sun, my air. I suffocate without you. It feels like someone died. This is why you get such a reaction out of me. My hurt hurls around me like an all encompassing whirlwind of pain. And that is a LOT to deal with.

I am not asking you to do anything right now. It would be selfish and an unreasonable expectation for myself to hold on to.

I just want you to think...And then I want you to watch what I am willing to do and put up with to save us

Read this. It is me. It is your love. I have read your posts now. You loved me once. That person and so much more is here waiting for you.

Love always

Do not send this letter. I am busy today but will try and help later this weekend.

Thanks

What you have learned includes the fact that this man is a wife beater and a total loser. There is no way your wife can have a lifelong, successful relationship with someone with his history.

You are like rob. Basically, what you need to do is wait for the affair to die. It won't necessarily die this weekend or this month, but essentially, she has no future with him.

Wait this out, and as I said to rob, stop interpreting every little nuance of what she says and does.

I didn't bother reading this all the way through, because it opens with such horrendous disrespectful judgements, and continues with attempts to educate her. Stop it. Don't write any letters at all. You are far too emotional and you'll do more harm than good.

I gave up reading after that opening sentence. Are you actively trying to tick her off?

Not at all. She is been on marriage builders too...And understands all this. I guess I was taking that for granted...But I get your point.

I was trying to get my point across that I understand, I forgive, I want to move forward, I love her, and I will be here for her

I guess maybe i was being a bit self righteous about it?

I really am trying to learn.. so give it to me hard and straight

Also...I do have a Dr appointment Monday to address my rollercoaster...Wrote Dr Hartley a letter...And have a session for Wednesday. I am just trying to take action. I feel like sitting still is what got me here.

My biggest regret is my initial reaction. I wish I had taken the time to do spyware etc ahead of time. I have a trust issue sitting back hoping she doesn't make the first move toward divorce. It makes me feel vulnerable. As much as I don't want to see anything. It would have been nice to track those intentions.

This is not a waffle in my position....I am all in...But was married twice before and have been played the sucker to keep the peace. This nags at me is all.

I do not think she is that vindictive...But the fog is what it is...Scary stuff.

How do you keep the doubts at bay? Some days I just want to end this all it is so painful. Then i love her and want to fight.

It is so difficult to control the doubt.

I hired a PI to collect evidence just in case....is this a wise move or a step too far?

Hiring a PI to collect evidence is not a step too far. Collect evidence.

But don't be sending her any letters until you have your meds adjusted AND you've talked to Dr. Harley. Your emotions are still all over the map, and you need to get them under control.

Thank you. I am working on that.

Problem is...I don;t even know what to think and reflect on...like i don't know what i don't know.

I have been helping her out...i still support her...been writing her love letters (not like above...just memories and why i love her)

Sometimes R talk comes up...i try to walk away.

I send her little texts to tell her i hope she has a great day and I love her.

Trying to stick to kindness and love units.

I try to be all over the place here...not with her.


And..Dr Monday. Dr Hartley Wednesday.

Jim,
You mentioned that this hooligan has a pattern of wooing women and then turning into a monster once the relationship is established. There are men who operate out patterns like this, and they are 100% predictable. So knowing this, you should be stout-hearted and let your actions flow from these facts. Don't get on the Wayward Roller Coaster. They will draw you in, and before you know it you're latched in and you're hearing, "Enjoy your ride!" No. You must let your Plan A objectives drive you, not your raw emotions.

Your wife's affair is going to crash. And you are going to sober up, be the best husband you can be--strong, firm, loving, and caring--while she takes her journey to a place called rock bottom.

Do not let her see you feeling sorry for yourself. Do not let her see you depressed. Instead, let her see you looking dapper, with pressed shirts and polished shoes. Let her see you cheerful and confident, warm and caring without being suffocating and desperate.

I used to fish, and I would wait patiently knowing that at some point the fish had to eat. Once I got a bite I set the hook. But sometimes I'd have to wait all afternoon. Just be patient and disciplined. You are going through hell, but you have to keep moving forward or you'll never make it out. Stay strong.

Thank you for these words. The hardest thing is trying not to smother...to turn into some crazed stalker. I do want to be me...and I know through this process the end goal is to be a better man for my wife...and to help her recover. I also know if it does not work out..I am just left a better man. I try and keep that.

Having been there myself...i do know this. When we went through mine...i was gone 4 months...although we had contact. So I know...fantasy never turns out well.

Wise words...easier said than done. You may have guessed by now i wear my heart on my sleeve.

Time to put your heart back in your chest and use your head more. Be strategic, man.