Trying.

There is no try; there is only do.

lol...yes Yoda.

I think the hardest thing...Is I failed in this. I have known about MB for 10 years and failed. I have come here a few times and failed.

It is a radical change to a belief system...and I am trying to absorb it all. It gets confusing because some things stray from your own ingrained beliefs and you try to see the new...and embrace it.

My inner self cries out for action. My rational brain reads this and tries to stick to the plan. The 2 are in grave competition and I make mistakes.

The smothering...the need for a sign from a woman in the fog. these are the things i need to get over and control.

Its hard. I will do.

I will take the little signs i can get.

My wife was saying i need to distract myself. And yeah..no kidding...but funny from the most distracted person on the planet.

I told her the only one that can tell me to stop trying to fix our marriage was her.

She said "THIS is why i want you to go out and get a life. You're driving yourself and me crazy."

What i hold onto...is sure..she does not want to be smothered...it interferes with where she is right now. But she cannot tell me to stop. She WON'T tell me to stop.

So I continue...and hold onto the little things.

Her mom used my Netflix. I changed the password so WW could not use my Netflix at OM...as I think i am supposed to.

I forgot about the mom,...i have no ill will there...so i fixed it for now.

She blew up...i mean...bitter rage.

Her last message was to file for the divorce and we can both move on.

God i hate this,

SHe also read my thread and saw the PI thing...wasn't meant to be a move against her.

Sorry guys...i am moving over to the divorce column. All this holding on I have been doing is from the hurt....and knowing in my heart of hearts what is really happening here.

I have been in denial...wanted to believe. I love my wife. But I don;t deserve the hand i got dealt.

I am looking back over everything. I am looking back at how many times she has cheated on me and how little it affected her...and continues to affect her. And I compare it with what I did and how IT DID affect me. Changed everything about how i looked at thins.

I am re-examining the last 16 years. Mostly all I can be thankful for, is three beautiful daughters.

I don;t deserve all the rage against me...the degradation...the constant crisis. I have decided this is no way to live my life.

The last thing she said to me...was she is not using the OM to hurt me...she is leaving me...and he just happens to be there.

That may be the fog....but *** it. I realized I can;t plan A cause too much has been said and done over the last 16 years.

I need to now only work on me. And trust i can find happiness again.

Thank you all for your help.

Jim,

you have every right to divorce.
Your posts though show highly erratic thinking.
I strongly advise you to go see a medical professional with expertise in mental health questions.

If you are going to make important decisions in this crucial time in your life you want to do it from a place of calm thinking.

Agree with Happyheart. You need an intervention at this point. Please consider seeing a doctor or someone who can help you center yourself.

I understand...but its funny...I came to this...and the weight of the world lifted. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. But I think this is a case where divorce is the only success. I have come to conclude she doesn't have the courage to change. That is my feeling..not a judgement...I own it. But it IS how I feel. And I can't keep walking this road anymore. I will be OK.

My waffling was going from there to here and back. The conviction to just take care of me and my kids and go no contact was a relief. I was the one on the fence. Trying to think through what i wanted. Thinking that knowing marriage builders I could fix anything. It was a silky thought. Some things are broken. And sometimes you need to walk away...and hope you find something else someday. And I will use this now over on divorcing to recover. And I will use this next time I am in a relationship. I still believe it all. I was struggling to hold onto something I really don't want.

The problem, Jim, is that you vacillate from one position to the other on the slightest whim. Your convictions are set by the wind. That's not a judgment but a concern we have for you as you make a life-changing decision about your marriage.

I'm glad you're seeing a doctor tomorrow.

Understand.... I have been vacillating. I am seeing my doctor. I don't think you'll see a change in my position. I will always love the woman I think WW CAN be. But recent events have shown me I want nothing to do with the woman she has become. It would take such radical change...I have doubts she is even capable.

You see....I feel like I have been in plan A for years. She would be angry...she would cheat...I would wait.

So while some may think my plan A was short lived. I feel like it has been long term. Thst the hurt was already too.much for me. This is my plan B. I am cutting it off and pushing her off the fence.

I will always have a place for the woman she can be. But for now..I move forward and heal. This is not as willy nilly as my prior posts may suggest.

What I saw in the last 11 days...was a woman who was emotionless toward me. But would cry at the drop of a hat at the thought of losing anything financially. She proved to me she was using my emotions to keep herself intact.

I admit. It was all too much for me.

You might want to read up on plan B.

I am. I am proceeding with the divorce...but do recognize with radical change I would be open to her at some point...but it would take A LOT. So I am reading it. I just don't have plan A in me anymore.

Thanks.

I can't remember, but did you ever write Dr. Harley?

Yes I did...and have a session Wednesday with him. Got a referral from my Dr this morning for IC

She is hitting rock bottom...it hurts so much to see. She is drinking vodka (never drinks) and started smoking again after 3 years. It hurts to watch her destroy herself.

I am doing me...I can't fix her...I try to tell her I am here for her...but she only focuses on the financial ramifications of our split and seems to care about nothing else. She is bitter...angry....

She is lost right now...and I can't convince her otherwise.

My IC starts Monday.

As far as legal...I can't post here...I want to be able to share everything...but this thread is compromised and she is reading it.