Did you get a chance to read Dr Harley on the need for financial support ? It is not just the issue of who makes the most money. In the thread you are referring to, the family's debts had mounted up to such an extent that the poster was worried about losing his council house. To be the most attractive option in plan A, he had to turn that around. I believe that he did so.

Correct, I don't think we have any issue for stability together, I must have taken you comment out of context and it set me to thinking.

Hi Allan! I think those are some great points about the security clearance and I hope you will mention that to abrra.

ML,
Thank you, done.

Also, is this a glimmer of light?
I made a dinner last night, it was "semi-romanitc" I know I make up terms, WW, our YS (Younger Son) and I. I set out candles, with no backlash, when I returned from clearing the table, WW had set a valentine gift (heart shaped Resses Cup pack) at my place, she told me not to read into it. But I can't help it.
I did pick her up something - a box set of one of her favorite series - not recalling that we already have one - I suggested we give this one to her mother, so is this a step forward - or a step back - picking up something that we already has shows I am not paying attention.
Thank you.

Erastis, Sorry this is a few days late, I just re-read the contrast effect thread, and I am wondering, is this a worry from my perspective - should I be on the look out for temptations? Or is it my WW that may be suffering from this? I totally see that happening - her LB for the OM is full - no negative withdrawals, and really no interactions that would result in any. While mine is virtually empty. I am making an analogy that currently we may be operating on an exchange rate - if he is making deposits - and he may not need to do anything to make them - just be on her mind - he is making them at a positive rate of return - so like the Canada/US rate he gets 1.30 for every buck of deposit. I on the other hand am trying to deposit (in her eyes) Indian Rupee where the rate is .019 dollar (Canada) to every Rupee. Does this make sense?
Thank you.

So that means you need to kill the affair so that he isn't able to make ANY deposits. If she wants to stay married, she will have to end contact for life. Once that happens you won't have to worry about exchange rates. You just have to "invest" fully in the MB program with your wife and build a wonderful, ecstatic marriage. The tools are there for you if you're both willing to use them.

But first things first. Kill dead the affair.

Understood, agreed, trying to get evidence. As mentioned before, she is at home (not working) and if communicating only doing so via text, which I have no way of intercepting.
Thanks.

Just an update - as I am still here, but not posting on any progress.

I still have no proof. My wife has, and is still off work, so has been home. Last week was March break and we spent the first three days as a family together. I worked the last part of the week, but our boys and WW were home.

It was a good time, and I feel we have some good interactions. She admitted that she feels that balance growing - we had used this term before I discovered MB.

But she doesn't see it getting to were it was (rationalization).

She also admitted that she would like to have to work, to have to chase, she doesn't feel she needs to do that with me. I hope that makes sense. I think she is looking for excitement - like when a couple first meet.

So I can improve myself, and am working on it - PIES (not eating them I promise) but is there a way I could give her that sense of the chase? Without making withdrawals? I don't want to play on jealousy, I see that as a dangerous slope.

This week-end is going to be busy. Our oldest leaves early Saturday AM for 11 days, our youngest has a tournament during the day on Saturday, and we have a date that evening. Sunday will be chores, shopping - we have started doing the shopping together which has given us some alone time outside of the house.

I know if I can't expose - which I can't without proof, and I am not sure I can get any that this is going to be a challenge, but ideas?

Plan A without exposure, is it possible?

I have VAR set up on the computer - right next to the landline phone, and as mentioned, I can't put anything on her work phone - although I did trick her into giving me the password last week-end. I checked, no text to OM - she rarely uses texts, and had a few dating back to last year - between her, our son, and a few between her one female friend that texts.
I don't expect to have much to post, but I will as I have information to post, or questions to ask. I appreciate all I see here, I am reading other posts, and gleaning ideas, and hope from them. You are all amazing, and I thank you not just for the support for myself, but for all of us who are facing the darkness with no, or little light to guide us.

Thank you.

We all want the chase, but we give it up for something for deeper and more meaningful. Some people live for the superficial thrills that come with new relationships. When the trill dies, they move on. They are called renters in Dr. Harley's parlance. His book Buyers, Renders, and Freeloaders by Dr. Harley might be a good read for both of you.

On the other hand, if you both are willing to put in the UA time and identify and meet each others emotional needs and remove love busters, you will be able to achieve a passionate relationship.

Thank you, I saw the phrase of the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders before. I want and believed we were Buyers, but it seems she has a bit of a desire to feel like a renter. I will take a look at the book. I am willing to put in the time on the UA part - it is a pleasure. I get the feeling that my exchange rate is getting better than the rupee I might be up to a peso now.

Here until you get the book. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

BrainHurts,
Thanks, for the link, quick question. With a probable long answer.
How do I keep my Taker at bay while doing Plan A?
I see that as a possible challenge.
Especially since WW cconfirmed tonight that we are in limbo until she overcomes the depression, and figures out what she wants.
Limbo -living together, sharing a bed, but no physical contact.
I know that the figure out what she wants is fog babble and could be her way of stalling for time.

Thank you.

Will she go out on dates with you? If so, what are you doing on the dates? Has your W seen her doctor about ADs?

Yes, to some extent. I am trying for secret dates - shopping is the one I am getting regularly, also events with the boys. This saturday sh and i have tickets to a play and dinner. These were bought last spring, and happen every 5 to 6 weeks. I talked to her about increasing the time together, but as of yesteeday she seems ro want to pull back on that. I get and am aiming for stealth deposits. How does that help me control my taker?
Interms of ADs, yes she has and is taking them. This is an ongoing issue (her third episode of depression since we met) & I beleive, and she acknowledges that this one is largely because of her internal conflict, (2 men..) she can't see that there is any easy way to give up the conflict. In fact I think she has created a spiral.
She doesn't want to give up the fantasy (or make a choice) until she is healthy. Her internal conflict is making her sick, if she would give up on the fantasy the conflict would be over...
But we can't talk about this, and I understand that I can'T bring it up. Logic will not work. Does this make sense? I am nervous about how to deposit enough to make myself a viable option given her "soul searching". She says she realizes she didn't see me as part of her future when she took a pre-retirement course last year. Sorry it is late here and I might not be clear.
Thank you

Allan, does she still want to separate?

How do you think she would be communicating with him?

Remember, you don't want to suppress your taker; you want it in right balance with the giver. The taker protects you. The giver protects your wife.

That is on hold. She spent a couple of days this week at our oldest godparents, but she won't stay away long. We talked today, and until she beats the depression she agreed to make no decisions. She knows I am going to try and win her back and she is open to this.

Not sure, I actually think she might not be. I haven't asked, but she repeated that she hasn't since last fall.
Also break through this AM, she looked at me and said, if we (here &I) work out she won't be able to be friends with OM.
I agreed and asked her why, she said, it would be painful, and dangerous.
I see this as a step forward.

Hmmm I will have to think on this, tips on dealing with her taker?
I see that as my challeng going forward. Ahe has years of me not stepping up for me to make up for.