Yes, lots of great suggestions and feedback. While I am very grateful, it is hard to be patient and even harder to be hopeful that you wonderful MB folk can work your magic with my H. He has said many things to me today that are very hurtful as well as sharing my personal health information without my agreement. I am working on keeping quiet with him to avoid any more LB's.

What is best for me to do at this point? Post what is happening, not post at all while he gets input on his thread? Our son's are coming over tonight for a boy's night with their dad ( one son lives far away and is home for a visit) so H won't be posting again till later tonight or tomorrow.

Post when you need to post. Now is fine.

It is good to see H getting responses. I was reading Markos'/Prisca's story, there are some parallels. I wonder what are the odds of a similar outcome in our case?

I am feeling tremendous anger this morning.

Sunday was the family dinner thing as you all know.
On Monday, he sent me an email asking me ..
"How do you feel about me committing to getting Mom and Dad to the funeral if they chose to go?"
This funeral is today for a 94 year old cousin.

Because I do not feel safe to answer with my actual feelings, I told him to do whatever he would like to do. His response to this was "thank you".

Yesterday morning, I was almost ready for work when he demanded that we take the morning off to work on our issues. He implied/threatened that he would leave me if I refused. I said I didn't want to stay home with him because he was already out of control and being a bully. I was a mess by then though and couldn't have gone in to work. When I called in sick 10 minutes later, I was crying and could barely speak when my boss answered the phone.

He did calm down and we spent the day posting, at my request. Later in the day, he said that our biggest trigger for LB's on both parts is his mother/family. He said that it is a strong need for him to honor his mother and father by doing things for them. He said I was asking him to never see them again. A few minutes later, he said he didn't say I was asking him to never see them again, he was asking did I say that. (I have read a bit on gaslighting-I definitely feel he is gaslighting me.)

Something to note, my H has nine siblings, seven of whom live nearby and all of whom are active in helping out with the parents. H has been taking them to church on Sundays and visiting on Wednesday evenings for years. And I have never ever requested that this cease.

I was upset that he would choose to ask me how I felt about driving the parents to the funeral because we are still on rocky ground with our marriage and this is a trigger on the day following this latest issue. I was fairly certain he knew I wouldn't feel good about it. Is that a DJ on my part? It doesn't feel okay to me that he put the onus on me to say I am not in favor, and risk the fallout of that, when he already knows how I would feel. I asked him about this and he said it is not for him to decide how I would feel.

Last night, he had a boys night planned at our house with our 3 sons, one of whom is home for a visit and leaving Friday. H asked me if I wanted him to cancel this which I appreciated but didn't wish him to cancel on our sons. He didn't ask me if I wanted him to cancel taking the parents.

This morning, I asked him if we are going to work today. He looked at me in total astonishment. He was dressed up a bit because, of course, he has that funeral to take his parents to. He wondered why I would ask if we were going to work. I said, well, he demanded yesterday that we not go to work, because that is what he wanted, so today, he wants to take his parents to the funeral, so that is what is going to happen, just thought I would see what his plan for me was.

I knew at the time that I was committing LB's, my feeling was that even though the history is not there to support it, I hoped he would make the good will gesture toward me of asking one of his siblings to step in today. I hoped that would happen because of the postings to him (maybe he would have a light bulb moment) yesterday and last night. I didn't make a respectful request that he do this because of fear of the outcome of that request.

I do not know what to do with this anger and pain.

BG, it would be best if you would tell your husband you are not enthusiastic about his requests when that is how you feel.

Dr. Harley and Joyce had an incident early in their marriage where his father was extremely disrespectful to Joyce. Dr. Harley told his father they wouldn't be seeing him again until he apologized to Joyce and gave assurances that such behavior on his part would never happen again. After awhile Dr. Harley's father apologized to Joyce and the relationship was restored.

That might be something you would want to try in your situation.

BG, Markos is absolutely correct, you must stop making reluctant agreements. We explained this to your husband yesterday, but the first step is for you to stop agreeing to things that make you miserable. You feel angry and resentful because of this. You need to stop it!

Your post was so painful to read.

You've mentioned a few times that you are too scared to either make a request, or to tell your husband how you really feel when he asks your opinion.

What are you afraid of? What has happened in the past when you have expressed desires that are different from your husband's?

When you say "He implied/threatened that he would leave me if I refused", what did he actually say? And what do you mean by "he did calm down"? How un-calm was he before he calmed down?

How did he respond when you broke down in tears about his demand to take the day off? How does he respond in general when you are upset at what he has said?

Your post was so painful to read.

You've mentioned a few times that you are too scared to either make a request, or to tell your husband how you really feel when he asks your opinion.

What are you afraid of? What has happened in the past when you have expressed desires that are different from your husband's?

I am afraid of his reaction. When I express a desire different from my husband's, on certain topics, church/faith, charitable donations, not wanting to spend time with certain of his family members, he uses DJ's, AO's, and SD's. He says or implies I am selfish, cheap, and lots more. I am tired of being made to feel that I don't deserve better treatment. I am afraid that l or he will reach the point of no return.

When you say "He implied/threatened that he would leave me if I refused", what did he actually say? And what do you mean by "he did calm down"? How un-calm was he before he calmed down?

He said that he didn't know how we could go on if we didn't get things sorted out. He said he wasn't willing to continue as we are. I said it sounded like he was threatening to leave me. And he agreed that he was considering that. I do not remember word for word exactly, and he may object that he said this. He talked in a loud angry voice when I said I didn't want to stay home. He did get himself under control and stopped using DJ's for a while. (Note however, I have also threatened to leave him in the past, told him my health will not stand much more of this. I did this in January of 2016)

How did he respond when you broke down in tears about his demand to take the day off? How does he respond in general when you are upset at what he has said?

He disregarded my tears. He almost always disregards my tears. I hate crying and I hate even more showing him this weakness. This is what happens to me when I am frustrated beyond measure. Once I am a blubbering mess, he will ask me if I want a hug. By this point, I usually just want to get as far from him as possible. Sometimes, he will let me go. Other times, he will yell at me and berate me.

Thank you for answering my questions.

A tip:

Use the "quote" box, as I told you before. However, when you want to quote in bits and pieces, like you did with my questions followed by your answers, copy and paste the brackets each time you start and end a quote, to keep my questions visibly separate from your answers.

What were the things that he wanted to sort out right then and there? Was it about seeing his mother, or other things?

Sorry about that Sugar, I was at work and wrote my reply in a word document and then popped online and pasted.

H wanted us to get past our fight and make up, for lack of a better way to put it. H has difficulty focusing at work when we are having problems in our marriage. He was wanting us to find a way to feel better about each other.

Thank you Markos. I don't have a desire for an apology from MIL. It is not really a one incident thing.

Yes, ML, I need to stop it. I wonder if an aversion has been created regarding MIL because of this.

How to move forward, please help!

Situation:

2 weeks until we go on vacation for a month. This includes driving 2500 miles.
We have house guests this weekend.

I have told H that I am not confident that we can go on vacation together.

Yesterday, he sent me an email apologizing for all hurts he ever inflicted on me and said he will not love bust me in the future.

This morning he wanted to know when we can POJA church. He is concerned that we have so much going on and vacation is near and that I am not confident about going on vacation. I said I don't want try to POJA church at this time and for him to continue as things are re church. He asked could we put a time frame on when we could POJA. I said, when I feel safe to do so.

I said that I am not confident about vacation because I don't yet feel safe and that I do not want to drive 3000 miles with him if he is going to yell at me. He said that my saying that is a DJ and that he doesn't want to drive 3000 miles with me if I am going to yell at him.

Is it a DJ? Do I express my fears? If so, how to say without DJ?

The conversation was getting increasingly uncomfortable for me. I reminded him of his promise to not love bust any more. He said sorry.

I reminded him of Markos post:

What will help is when you learn to view your own love busters IN ISOLATION from her behavior, and learn to stop them NO MATTER WHAT she does.

He said:
"It seems like I am supposed to take responsibility for everything and you are to take responsibility for nothing."

I am weary.

Barigirl, since neither of you are enthusiastic about this vacation, it should be taken off the table.

[/quote]

Barigirl, since neither of you are enthusiastic about this vacation, it should be taken off the table. [/quote]

I am definitely enthusiastic about vacation, as is he. It is the being together part (days long drive) while things are this tense that I am not enthusiastic about.

Barigirl, since neither of you are enthusiastic about this vacation, it should be taken off the table. [/quote]

I am definitely enthusiastic about vacation, as is he. It is the being together part (days long drive) while things are this tense that I am not enthusiastic about. [/quote]

Yes, that is my point.

Bari I was so relieved to read your update. You are listening to and addressing your fears instead of tuning out in weariness. I know this is not easy but you are changing your half and developing skills that will benefit your marriage and your whole life.

When my XH wanted to meet up with our son, he was understandably nervous because my XH tends to go off on long rants about how terrible I am. We advised DS to only see his father where he had the ability to simply get up and leave if he started to rant.

That turned out to be great advice. He did have to abandon dinner but it only happened once. After that XH learned not to do that.

Leave the long car trip till you are further along. Is there another way to get to your destination?