Good Morning and thank you for the suggestion of BRF. I enjoyed the read- I am in a rigorous nursing program rt now (on spring break atm) and the fact that I spent my 'free time' reading this book in basically one sitting says a lot.
Um, sometimes it is hard to admit ugly truths, but I feel that I may actually be an efp that he refers to in the book.
I have the greatest intentions but after his ex sent all that stuff it just destroyed me.
I have a feeling that he should be MORE loving and MORE... basically prove to me that he chooses me- type of behaviors.
And when I am met with a blank stare or more often, an excuse as to why he can't I fly off the handle like the efp in the book. I mean I will flip the f out. Scream and even insult him. I am not proud of this fact.
This is a startling realization.
Before it gets to that though, I will literally tell myself "I am going to be the best significant other to him to give him tokens" and I will do it... that is until my taker notices that my giver is just going ang going and then I will get resentful.
My problem is my ANGER to him. It seems out of control once it starts- my reasoning is that instead of him being even a little understanding of my feelings he will immediately make an excuse or say "me too" and bat it back at me.
Like, "honey since the affair I have felt kinda unloved and worthless- i would like it if we could go back to you giving me the 1st 5 mins of your day o nce you get home."
He will defend "It's been 3 months- I am not in control of your feelings- you choose your feelings. You need to be flexible if I can't give you my 1st few minutes..."
like that and then I am just like.... "why couldn't you say, "i understand that the affair was a blow to your self esteem and I want to do what I can to help out."
I don't feel like he cares about my side of things. He thinks I should just be over it.
I like the POJA in the book
It makes great sense but is also unrealistic. For instance, he goes out f town ALot. And that is when they would do most fo their flirting... he'd stay up all night with her talking and texting and flirting...
So I am very insecure when he leaves and I'd love it if he didn't- but it isn't realistic, he'd lose his job.
I want to be a buyer. I am committed to him.
And he says he is committed to me- but just last night he stated that if I did to him what he did to me (regarding the exgf) he'd just dump me and my daughter.
Bu when I held his feet to the fire of what he just said he restated it that if he perceived I did it to hurt him- he would leave me.
So, then, he isn't a buyer- and with that he got angry and no longer wanted to discuss it.
I believe that if I could not be reactive to his cavalierness, I might be able to explain.... but then again... my desire to explain my side is what inevitably leads to the argument that turns into a screaming match...
Maybe I'm just broken.