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Joined: Apr 2012
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Dating is an interview for marriage. IMO, this man is clearly not marriage material. He has failed the interview.

I don't think you see this because for some reason you seem to have set your bar very, very low. Do you not think you deserve more than this:

*cheating with ex while you are dating and living with him
*showing little remorse to cheating, demanding that you 'control your own feelings' and basically move on
*not trying to pay you any just compensation for the cheating, or do any work to recover your relationship or make you feel safe
*won't show affection
*won't spend time with you
*has a traveling job that leaves him open for cheating/affairs

I want to point out here that many of us have come here after years of marriage and children together, to try and turn these things around in our marriages. We have, with TWO WILLING PARTNERS, been able to do so. Recovering from all of these things takes time and a heck of a lot of effort for both people to train themselves new habits and learn how to treat each other with extraordinary care. You have a much less incentive to spend this time and effort on a man who you are not even married to and do not have children with! More importantly, in any situation, whether it is a marriage or dating relationship, you cannot fix issues without the willingness of both partners. In your situation, your boyfriend has shown to you that he is NOT willing to fix this. He wants you to just accept things as is.

There are many, many men out there that would treat you much better than this.

I also want to say that my *creep meter* went up when I read what you wrote about how he has no interest in you, but is very close to your young daughter. I know NO mother would want to believe they put their child in harms way, but many many mothers unknowingly do as 'mom's boyfriend' is the greatest threat to a child's safety. Think about it.

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I think, though, that if I could curb my resentment he would come back in a more loving way.

I know yall are looking out for my LO. And I do appreciate the sentiment. But my bf is not a risk to my child. He's a very good person- just set in his ways and not use to having to compromise.

1. he is 33 and has never had a real gf. He lived with his mother til he was 30 to save money for his house. The girl he hung out with on the weekend (in his moms house so... you can imagine that he never ever dealt with real relationship issues as they never even spent the night together) and to her it was just a friendship but he was in love with her... desperately in love with her.

I am his first "go" at a real love relationship. So he is learning now, what a 21 year old would be learning.

I am not saying this to disparage him. I just want to give context. He is inexperienced in compromise. He has lived a 1000000000000% selfish existence his whole life. (his mom cooked and did his laundry etc.. til he was 30)

He hates that i am on here- he feels I don't say the whole story- mainly how vitriolic i can be when I feel .... insignificant.

I believe that he will commit to me if I can chill the f out.

Joined: Oct 2011
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Originally Posted by izzysmomma
ALIS

I think that he would commit to me if I was the loving kind trusting girl I was prior to seeing the text messages. I think he would marry if I could prove to him that I wont lash out in anger over resentments.

He'll commit to you if/when you STFU about him doing things like lying and cheating?

Well, if that's what you want in life, I don't think anyone here can convince you otherwise. Where is your self worth? Why are you so desperate to change this man? Better yet, why do you refuse to believe who he is?

Okay, let's say he is 33 with no relationship history. Whatever. You're a grown woman with a child and know better - tell me, when has a woman EVER fixed a lying, cheating boyfriend and turned them into an amazing, committed husband? Crickets...

Last edited by alis; 03/14/17 01:49 PM.
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Well fwiw I think it's a great idea to stop lashing out in anger while making a backup plan for you and your daughter if that doesn't alone fix the problems you came here for. Namely not getting the commitment and UA time and EN meeting you would need in order to feel loved.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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