I heard it. What did you think of it?

I thought it went well. The Harley's were great.

I haven't had a chance to listen yet. What did they say?

Yes they are behind on the archives. As soon as they are updated then your show will be available to listen to.

Here's your show.
Radio Show of Barigirl and Bariguy

How's it going? I finally got a chance to listen. Did you get back from your vacation? How did that go? How has POJAing going?

There are two kinds of resentment: (1) Resentment due to something one of you DID to the other that was hurtful, and (2) resentment due to something you DIDN'T do for yourself that you would have liked, but would have hurt your spouse. Your husband has the first kind of resentment because you had an affair three months into your marriage. What you did hurt him. You have the second kind of resentment because you now feel obligated to avoid seeing a friend who is a threat to your husband.

I think you would agree with me that the first kind of resentment is the worst, because your husband knows you deliberately hurt him. It's no wonder he's having trouble recovering from the experience. Your poor communication may be partly due to the fact that he is still trying to recover from the shock.

The second kind of resentment, the kind you are experiencing, may be uncomfortable, but life is full of instances where we need to control ourselves for the protection of others. In other words, I'm saying that whatever resentment you may feel about not being able to see your friend is nothing compared to the resentment you would feel if your husband had indulged in an affair.

You may be right about your incompatibility, but from what you've told me so far, what is separating you is not incompatibility, but his emotional withdrawal, which is a different matter entirely. He started out on the right track, wanting to settle all decisions on a mutually agreeable basis. But I think his best intentions are being overwhelmed by the grief he is feeling from your affair a year ago. He probably would have gotten over it by now, but your effort to see another friend from your past is keeping his grief fresh. Why torment your husband with needless pain?

From your husband's perspective, if you cared about his feelings, you wouldn't see your friend. The fact that he has made his wishes clear, and you have wanted to see him anyway, is proof to him that you care more about seeing your friend than you care about your husband. My advice to you is simple: Don't have friends who make your husband uncomfortable. Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

H said that his lovebank cannot fill because all that is going in is resentment. He says that if he can't do things he wants to do or that he feels are important to him, he only feels resentment.

H says doing nothing in POJA means I win and he loses. I pointed out that for me to go with reluctant agreement also causes resentment. H said that I am doing to him what I complain he does to me...saying me too, I feel the same way...negating his feelings.

The type of resentment your husband is feeling will go away as soon as the two of you find something else to do that you both enjoy.

The type of resentment you would feel if you just give in and do what he wants WILL NEVER GO AWAY. It will harm your marriage for years to come.

The solution to the conflict you are having is to find something else to do on your return trip home, something you would both love to do. It is not true that seeing his cousin is the ONLY THING he would EVER enjoy doing with you. You've got a world of possibilities out there for you to choose from.

These are demands and disrespectful judgements. Let your husband know that you will be more than happy to negotiate with him, but first he must eliminate the demands and disrespectful judgements. Until he does that, negotiation is not safe for you.

Do not just do what he wants you to do. It will cause a greater resentment on your part than what he is feeling -- the type of resentment that is more damaging to marriages and harder to recover from.

Thanks Prisca. I hope you are correct. H wanted some alone time and said he wanted to go to a car wash with our car. I told him to go for it. That was 3 hours ago. I am here, at a condo by myself.

He is pretty upset and angry. I am trying to do my assignment from Dr. Harley, tell my H want he is doing that bothers me and asking him to stop. From what he has been saying today, he is not willing to do that. But he also says he is trying to learn. I have no idea what will happen next, if and when he returns.

Dr. Harley,

Do I have to listen to complaints when they are full of lovebusters? We are having a conflict over UA time, and Markos is accusing me of not wanting to spend time with him. He had an AO and made threats over it, telling me he deserves better than me and reminding me of how much I tortured him last year, and made accusations that I'm not willing to work the MB program. He made threats along the lines of "I'm not going to live like this," which to me sounded like "straighten up or I'm leaving you."

It is not true that I do not want to spend time with him. I have thrown myself into UA time, and have enjoyed the time we have together.

He is refusing to talk to me unless I listen to these complaints of his. His tone has been very demanding and harsh all morning, and he refuses to listen to how he has lovebusted me. I'm willing to try to work with him to make UA time better for him, but I don't like the way he is treating me. Do I have to listen to his complaints when he is treating me like this?

Prisca:

How is Markos doing with his anger management program? A point we often make is that if angry outbursts are not eliminated from a marriage, no other problems can be solved.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.