Please also read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

How is it going? To you have questions?

Hi. There is so much to say, but I want to directly move to a couple questions I have.


In short summary, I found out exactly a year ago, that my husband has a severe sex addiction: heavy use of porn, slept with countless escorts, and one affair. This news was entirely shocking because we have an excellent, healthy, active sex life and seemingly very in love. Everyone thought our marriage was dreamy...including myself. When his double life collided, all hell broke loose. I have acted out with many outbursts of anger, I've used my words in extremely mean ways over the past year. We have tried to heal and we still both feel "in love" but his behavior hasn't changed. He is still sleeping with prostitutes, etc. I had him move out 3 weeks ago. This was very difficult for me to do. And he has told me he now feels rejected in a time when he needs my support to heal from this addiction, but instead I've abandoned him. He doesn't understand that I didn't want him to move out. It hurts my heart and I love him fiercely but the pain of his behavior is unbearable.

I just learned (I'm a slow learner) that my anger and judgements were entirely wrong and I am wanting to change my behavior. This has brought out the worst in me and I'm DONE with that. I want this pain to grow me, not destroy me. I have many topics to discuss, but right now I wanted to ask these two questions...

If I've behaved poorly (words of anger, outburts, judgements) after learning of my husband's infidelity last year, how effectively can I repair the damage I've done?

and...

If I'm not getting angry, but instead acting with gentleness and love, will the "nice" me only paralyze our situation, making change nearly impossible?

Thank you all.

Hi grayseason. You should go right into Plan B and have noting to do with him until he has stopped this behavior. There is nothing to save until that happens and your anger will only get worse by being abused like this.

This is hopeless unless and until he makes a radical change in his lifestyle and stops this destructive behavior. Marriage is impossible until that happens.

Are you familiar with Plan B?

bump

I agree. Here How to Plan B Correctly

And you should ask the MODS to combine your threads.

This is like asking if you can do better at cleaning the house when the whole house is on fire Repairing the damage your anger over your husbands continued abuse has done while your husband continues to abuse you, is not going to fix this, if that is what you are asking.

Ok...I have read up a little on Plan B. Here are my fears and questions regarding it:

1. He is very big and strong with extreme anger issues and initiating Plan B would anger him. I'm afriad.

2. Doing this would 100% throw him into another woman's arms. He CANNOT be alone. Yes, he is already going to others for sex, but Plan B would cause him to go for emotional needs as well. That is a very painful thought for me.

3. I still love him intensely. Not talking to him would be very difficult.

4. He would blame me even more. He would say I'm abandoning and rejecting him and he already struggles with receiving all of his value from me. (an entirely different topic to discuss)

I realize this sounds weak, but I'm just trying to be open and appreciate your feedback.

Did you ever read this?

You seem to think that having AO's and abusing him back, or allowing his poor behavior without abusing him back, are your only two options. They are NOT your only two options. Neither of these two options will end his abuse or protect you from further abuse.

What you are doing is enabling his affairs and abuse. YES, enabling him will make change impossible. He will, as he has been doing, continue to have affairs while you sit by the sidelines enabling him.

What I am wondering is why you are so focused on your own behavior, when you are the victim of his many years of abuse?

Thank you for your feedback. I feel that the only behavior I can control is my own. Right? I think I tried to control the outcome for so long and it was wrong and it doesn't work.

1. Is he currently physically abusive? Do you fear that he will become physically abusive? All the more reason to go into a dark Plan B. Plan to do it without warning him and call the police if you feel threatened.

2. He is already in MANY other women's arms. I am sorry but you going into Plan B is not going to be the catalyst to causing him to cheat when he has already been doing this for years. He is going to keep doing it whether you do or do not go into Plan B.

3. Most people who go into Plan B still love their spouse. I have read that it takes about 3 weeks of *dark* separation to stop being tempted to continue communication. But you are right that you would need to be strong and not give into the temptation to contact him. Every time you do it sets your mind back to day 1. And in your situation if he is abusive, will give him access to you that makes you unsafe.

4. He already blames you for his years of continuing to abuse you so what difference would it make. ALL abusers place the blame on their victims. You are not going to change his mentality about this, your goal needs to be to start caring about yourself and protecting yourself.

I am not suggesting you try to control HIS outcome. I am suggesting you try to control YOUR outcome. Plan B is controlling what you will accept in your life. Right now, you are accepting continued abuse and years of affairs. You are basically accepting less than crumbs. This is not marriage, not healthy, and it will result in physical and mental damage to you over time. The fact that you continue to enable this behavior for years, tells me that it has already made an impact. Plan B is saying that you will not accept this kind of behavior. It is protecting your own health and well being. He has the opportunity to find his way back to you under the conditions your require for marriage (although it is very uncommon for serial cheaters to agree to these conditions).

Does this website have any articles on serial cheaters?

All the more reason to go to Plan B. You cannot solve ANYTHING as long as he is capable of such anger. You need to get away from him.

It cannot throw him into another woman's arms when he is already there. He's already there!

For awhile, yes, it would be difficult. But only short term.

You won't know any of that because he won't be able to tell you. You will be protected from his anger and his blame.

Greyseason, I just read through your previous thread and that of your WH.

I am sorry you are back here and nothing seems to have changed, but I am not surprised. Your WH did not seem at all serious last year, and you did not seem to be ready to take the hard steps. I just want to tell you that now is the time. If you do not take them now, you will be in this same situation only worse in another year, or 5, or 10. Please know that you are worth more than living like this, and your kids deserve to be raised without this in their life.

Based on some of the advice that was given to you before:

Did you ever expose his affairs to family, friends and your children?
Did you follow any of the EP's?
Does he still have a traveling job?
Did you ever ask him to take a polygraph, as I suggested?

Now is the time for action. You cannot change this man, or 'nice' him out of his *worse than I have seen in the 7 years I've been here* SSL. You need to find the strength deep down to require more for yourself and your kids. Can you do that?

A beautiful post from a former betrayed wife:

From here

You don't have to cling to him in desperation, greyseason. You can value yourself enough to expect a decent husband.

Here: What to Do with a Serial Cheater

In short: leave him.

In addition to the article (which is also in the serial Cheaters thread) there is a thread with great radio clips on serial Cheaters. Here Serial Cheaters

As well as that article, here is one on the issue of sex addicts:

"One of the best ways to determine if your spouse is a sex addict or merely being selfish and foolish is to ask why he or she persists in a sexual behavior that is known to offend you. An addict will express the compulsive aspects of the problem and have a deep feeling of guilt for doing it. He or she may even describe something like an "out of body" experience, knowing it's wrong but can't stop.

But you may hear the answer I hear from most husbands who view pornography, a sexual behavior that's offensive to most wives: "There's no harm in it as long as my wife doesn't find out." They don't do it because they feel compelled -- they do it because it's entertaining. What these husbands do is consistent with their general philosophy of marriage, which is that it's sometimes healthy to engage in independent behavior, and that the Policy of Joint Agreement is ridiculous.

Men who view pornography, frequent strip clubs, and even have sexually explicit chats with women on the internet don't usually fit the description of an addict. They readily admit (at least to me) that they violate the Policy of Joint Agreement because they believe that their wives do not have the right to dictate what they can and can't do. In other words, they're being selfish and foolish."

Here: What is Sexual Addiction?

So, what is he? Is he compulsive, or is he selfish, disregarding your interests?