You can change.

You'll have to woo her back, a changed man.

Without knowing more of the details of how bad the AOs or demands have been, it might take more of the 6 - 12 month time frame before she dares to believe the change.

Minimally, you will have some making up to do for moving your daughter in the way you did. You'll have to convince her that you'll never act without her enthusiastic agreement ever again. That you'll never put her in a place where she has to fight with a grown child, like a child, in her own home, when getting the child out was not an option. That sounds awful. That you will never put your daughter ahead of her again.

If you eliminate lovebusters (it can be done - again => just do it!) and learn to meet her needs (many articles about that on this site), you will become an irresistible husband and lover.

You'll need to become a student on this site of lovebusters, so you can identify yours (and hers) when they initially start. This will give you a plan of action to deflect any larger damage with reactions getting out of hand because you'll be able to defuse a small situation quickly.

If she does the same, you will have a marriage that is amazing beyond words.

I have a marriage like that now and I could not begin to describe how THRILLED my husband is (he tells me so constantly) or how THRILLED I am with him. Our favorite times are when we are together.

He abhors AOs. He pursues a resolution of any misunderstanding with care and tenderness. Wow, does that ever make an amazing and irresistible husband. I couldn't hurt him with an AO of mine, inconsideration or rudeness for any price.

One of the problems that Dr Harley has identified is that people who live together without being married, like you are doing now, are unwilling to put in this level of work. The lack of commitment symbolised by living together is a characteristic of the whole relationship. Each person is willing to stay together while the relationship works well, as long as they don't have to make major efforts, but they leave when the relationship is not effortless any more. That appears to be what your partner has done.

I kind of agree.

I'm willing to marry her. I'm guessing you read my bit about being willing to enter a covenant marriage? I'm more than willing to work. I just need(ed) to know the RIGHT work.

And I may have found it. only took me about 3o yrs of 'adult' relationships.


I don't know if she is. So, while I'm willing to this work because she is teh lady I want to be with, I'm also doing this b/c I believe it's the right thing to do, no matter where I end up.

Tym, you're getting superb advice here already. I want to add that perhaps this newsletter from Dr. Steven Harley may help.

Ouch! No, let me explain!

Wow.

Reading that, I finally heard the echos of some of what she's been trying to tell me.

Great! So, make some changes (keep reading the info here, as well as listen to MB radio show), and then hopefully your girlfriend can also acquire the buyer mentality.

Sugarcane in her post above is SPOT ON. If you can woo your girlfriend back, you'll need to seal your commitment with marriage vows in the near future.

Here is what Dr. Harley has to say about living together: Living together before Marriage

Ok, so with any skill set, and that's what this is, as it requires practice, there are mistakes.

I would appreciate an exit strategy (and I'm still reading, but I can only read/listen to so much a day) for those times when I can feel the anger building.

I understand there's a choice there. But there is also long ingrained habit. I'm not sure, once I've started to get angry, that simply going "nope, not gonna be mad" will be enough.

I would think that a statement to the effect of "I'm beginning to be angry, and that is only going to cause me to do things that are counter productive and possibly hurtful. I would like to walk away until I am no longer angry." And then walk away. Would be a good idea.

But even reading that, I can see how it might come off as warning-threat, rather than just a 'I know I'm becoming a werewolf, let me put the wolf away' kind of thing.

I tend to do Plan A w/ a fallback plan. Plan A is 'choose to not be angry'. But I'm having trouble with the fallback.

Tym, have a search here and you will find a ton of articles filled with suggestions about how to stop angry outbursts forever.

Search the boards, search the articles, and also many of the posts here are filled with links to the Marriage Builders radio show where you can hear Dr. Harley regarding the topic of anger.

When you feel the anger building, focus on relaxing your body.

Let your muscles relax, make your mind relax.

I've never used one, but some posters on this board use a GSR meter to practice this and evaluate numerically how well they are doing it.

Thanks everyone. I've got reading/listening assignments. I'm working on them. I'm sure I'll be back.

This should be at the top of your listening list.
Anger Management 101