|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Problem is who knows when he will really do that. I will try to think of some other way to do the exchange until then since I can't trust myself at this point. Now the exchange is going to be trigger because I made it one by contacting him! No, that's not why. It is the set up itself that led to your confrontation. It is the trigger. Agree. And those of us who have been in Plan B are telling you that having the WS walk up the the door would be a trigger for any of us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
I dont understand how a babysitter makes it different though. She goes and gets them from WH car? I would still be in the house to get them from the babysitter and know he is there.
I would need to not be there at all I guess, ugh but I hate having to be forced out of the house because of his presence.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I dont understand how a babysitter makes it different though. She goes and gets them from WH car? I would still be in the house to get them from the babysitter and know he is there.
I would need to not be there at all I guess, ugh but I hate having to be forced out of the house because of his presence. You are obviously not "forced" to do any such thing. It would be an intelligent voluntary decision.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can he pick them up from day care NOW and you have your babysitter be there when he drops them off?
I don't think you should wait until the middle of the month. Susie had an affair xcellent suggestion!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I dont understand how a babysitter makes it different though. She goes and gets them from WH car? I would still be in the house to get them from the babysitter and know he is there. The babysitter would make all the difference because you don't even need to be in the house. Even if you were there (I think for now it is better if you are not) she would be a buffer between you and your WH - she would walk to the kids to the car and he would no longer come up to the house.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I would need to not be there at all I guess, ugh but I hate having to be forced out of the house because of his presence. "Forced out of the house"?! Given that you have a demanding career and two small children, I can't think of a better opportunity to go do something GOOD for yourself vs sitting there in the house and thinking of your WH. amac, I say this with all kindness, you've really got to start letting go of your WH and start building a life for yourself. It starts with little steps. You can do this. The options are endless: Go to the gym. Go for a walk at a nearby trail. Go shopping. Go visit a friend. Go get a pedicure or manicure. Go get your hair done. Go get something yummy to eat (a treat). Go get a coffee and sit outside and people watch. Go get some errands done.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can he pick them up from day care NOW and you have your babysitter be there when he drops them off?
I don't think you should wait until the middle of the month. Susie had an affair xcellent suggestion! oh boy, that is so bad!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Can he pick them up from day care NOW and you have your babysitter be there when he drops them off?
I don't think you should wait until the middle of the month. Susie had an affair xcellent suggestion! oh boy, that is so bad!! Haha I was confused!!
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599 |
I've been cooking on this thread for a few days. 2Much2Lose, Tully, Bestfriend, and many more of you are dealing with the same issue.
A number of you have been called on the carpet by well-meaning folks here and in your family for stepping into the Plan B process. They don't understand the purpose of Plan B.
I've been reading "As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen. Google this title and you can actually download the book free from asamanthinketh.net
In particular, I love this quote for betrayed spouses:
Quote:
A person cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.
This is the greatest gift of Plan B.
Before you removed yourself from the drama equation you were in what we call on the farm "a manure pit". Everywhere, the stench of cheating filled your nostrils - your thoughts and breath were consumed by getting the smell to stop!
Well, that doesn't lead you to think of how to better yourself, your life, and it's difficult to think of anything but the past - back when the marriage didn't stink!
Your wayward spouse accuses you of being the cause of the stinky marriage. But there's only one thing that causes this kind of stench - a wayward heart. And wayward hearts attract stenchy affair partners because they can't tell that they are the source of the stench.
But here's the big truth....
It's not the wayward spouse who is your primary problem.
....
...
..
.
Yes - you read that right. It's yourself. The lacking of any sense of self-worth... by degrees. You believe their blame that you harmed the marriage and they were on their way out well before affair person came around... Yeah right. When it's their own SBDs (silent but deadlies) sabotaging the sanctity of their vows.
If you are to become all that you were meant to be in a marriage, you must be whole, all by yourself.
Plan B is a breath of fresh air. You can think of how to better your life a lot easier when it doesn't stink so bad your eyes water. However, a partial Plan B doesn't accomplish this.
The most impressive moments in the lives of those who share their Plan B progress here – Mimi stands out when she put her dream house up for sale. Rinn stands out when she moved to the shelter. Charlotte when she hired Shiny. And most recently, Tully - yes - you - though you've been battered by your mother in law (a vicarious beating from your husband, actually) you took the Mimi approach and left the dream house.
How would you respond to people if you absolutely knew that you were worth the fidelity requirement?
How would you respond to your wayward trying to break down your Plan B?
Mimi got to that point - she absolutely knew her worth and she would no longer tolerate life with a double-minded man. Her knowledge of her own value is the reason she is such an inspiration here.
Rinn - you know what you thought of yourself before you left the marital home - you left, trusting in the words and knowledge of others, as well as that finality knowledge - you couldn't go on one more day under the threat of verbal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
So Plan Bs in progress and Plan B Wanna-B-B-ers, listen up!
Share on this thread who you are - ideal - without your WS defining you. And then read it every day like an affirmation. Remember who you are - sons and daughters of a heavenly father who loves you; find that perfection and let your thoughts lead you to live in the solution instead of the problem.
Bob Proctor wrote a book I've had on my shelf for years. He says:
Quote:
You're either living in the problem or you're living in the solution.
Plan B is the way to live in the solution. Let the wayward clean up the stench!
by KaylaAndy link to original thread Hi amac, I have been reading some old threads for inspiration to get back on track with my own plan B - and I thought you might benefit from these posts too.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 599 |
The following is repost of an old old post....
with the following disclaimer...
be still does NOT and never has meant dont work on plan a plan b and or plan divorce if that is where you are or should be...
I am a huge advocate of having a plan
be still has not ever now nor never mean stay in any type of abuse....
I for one have only ever consistantly advocated getting out of any and all types of abuse with a well thought out safety plan..both "here" and in the real world....
this whole plan was born from reading post after post after after post from BS
asking
why did he/she say this or that
why did he/she do this or that
why why why
blah blah blah...
who knows why....
but I can assure you that
agonizing
ruminating
spinning it around and around in your head
thinking and examining every tiny thing they do....
driving yourself crazy staying only focused on the WS
not eating
not sleeping
imagining what the WS is doing every second of the day
is daunting and wastes energy needed for the BS to stay focused and on the path to healing....
It also about the fact that so many expect the WS to be instantly sorry on D-day
instantly insightful to their actions of destuctions
instantly disgusted by the thought of seeing or talking to the OP...
all instantly vanishing from the WS...all the wall of rationalization needed to have an affair..gone..
doesn't usually quite work that way.....even though the BS is shocked by that
that's what be still post has always been about....
so if you want to bump the be still post...
bump this one....
the original post stands on its own in my opinion..
from the moment it was written it clearly states that it is not about saving every marriage...
says nothing about staying in any type of abuse...
and is not ever about not working on a plan..
it is about the calming the thoughts swirling in your brain that distract your focus and hurt you....
thank you for your attention to this ridiculousness
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....
those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...
be still.....
In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....
be still...
There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....
easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....
but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..
fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...
the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....
the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....
they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...
be still
it takes time.....
too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...
it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night
working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...
be still
for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....
they did this...and they must undo this...
will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....
WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....
they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..
so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...
the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....
force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate
or even worse they will self destruct themselves....
be still....
don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that
be still
and then make your moves....
ARK^^ Here's another one
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 560
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 560 |
chalkncheese, thanks for posting these. I found the parts about the BS constantly replaying the past in their heads, trying to find out "why??", especially apropos. It's all wasted emotional energy, though it is difficult to break the habit.
These posts can really help those of us struggling with Plan B, or planning the start of Plan B.
BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
I know with my activity on here it seems like I don't have a life and I sit at home pinning for WH. But I do! I have literally done in the last 2 months since separation everything that you suggested. I have made fun plans for me and the kids every single weekend and have gotten a babysitter for Saturday night almost every weekend so I could go out with friends. I went out of town for my birthday weekend and pampered myself. When WH has the kids I go to the gym, run errands, meet with friends. I joined a single parents website and have been talking to some single fathers.
I get frustrated I guess because in this situation I get told that all the time, use this opportunity to better your life etc. The thing is, I like my life! And I like who I am! I dont need this crisis to make me become a better person or turn my life around. Could I become a better person? Sure. I can workout more, I can spend more quality time with the kids, and obviously I could use some patience and acceptance.
My challenge is going to be to let go. I am a problem solver by nature and a fighter. Failure is not something I'm accustomed to. But at this point, I feel like I have done everything I could. It's not in my control and that is the hardest thing to face.
Plan B is the only thing I can control I guess. I need to make my holes the problem to be solved instead of WH.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
Thank you, Chalk. This one particularly resonated with me. I definitely have a tendency to try to force responses. I need to "be still" and repeat it like a mantra.
I read your post about your thoughts behind your Plan B holes and I feel similarly. There is something about all of this that is intellectually stimulating and fascinating. I find myself wanting to hear about everyones stories of infidelity and what happened in the end and why. But just more evidence I think of my desire to have some control over my own situation.
Time to be still. Pray that we can get there.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I
I get frustrated I guess because in this situation I get told that all the time, use this opportunity to better your life etc. The thing is, I like my life! And I like who I am! I so get that!! I don't understand that advice at all. I do understand the advice to start focusing on your own life and that of your children. Which you are doing!! But when my H left I was too preoccupied with building my life up and trying to gain some stability to go off on some self improvement project. I was just fine, it was my life that was wrecked! My challenge is going to be to let go. I am a problem solver by nature and a fighter. Failure is not something I'm accustomed to. I understand. The key is learning to be strategic rather than reactive. A very hard thing for those of us who are very strong willed and reactive. Plan B is the only thing I can control I guess. I need to make my holes the problem to be solved instead of WH. you got it!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
What are the thoughts on dating while in Plan B?
Im guessing generally frowned upon?
Seems like the quick fix to divert thoughts of WH. But could def mess with future reconciliation. But also, I think I would be less resentful of WH if we did reconile if I dated. Right now the longer this goes on the more bitter I get that I'm at home taking care of the kids while he is out running around.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
What are the thoughts on dating while in Plan B?
Im guessing generally frowned upon?
Seems like the quick fix to divert thoughts of WH. But could def mess with future reconciliation. But also, I think I would be less resentful of WH if we did reconile if I dated. Right now the longer this goes on the more bitter I get that I'm at home taking care of the kids while he is out running around. Great idea!!! Just be sure and apologize to your husband for objecting to his affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789 Likes: 4 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 419 |
No. Divorce filed.
I know...
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 560
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 560 |
No. Divorce filed.
I know... Filed for divorce does not mean divorced. It would be adultery (or infidelity at the least) to date while you are still married.
BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
624
guests, and
83
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
