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Joined: Jun 2001
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Hey people,<P>The saga continues. My wife invited a girl friend over last night to go for a walk. At that point I went on our computer to check the days activities. I have rigged the computer pretty good to let me know exactly what people did on the machine during the day.<P>I went through the chat transcripts my wife wrote with the OM and finally confronted her with them. I told her that I had been monitoring her every move on the machine for a few weeks now because I don't like her having contact with the OM. Surprizingly, she didn't care and told me that things between her and OM could be off. She now know that I am monitoring everything electronic that she does.<P>I told her she had to break things off with the OM and I think I may be getting through to her. She told me she needs councelling and is going to call the councellor for an appointment today. She requested that I sit in on her first session. That surprized me as well, because I was worried she was going to distort the story to benefit her.<P>I want to be prepared for that meeting. I want to pose a number of questions that I would like answers to over time. Some of them obviously can't be answered immediately.<P>She mentioned something about getting advise from the councellor on having OM as a friend. I certainly will raise my concerns and hope the councellor is on my side and can stress the valid points why she should not maintain contact, not only for herself, but for me the BS.<P>However, my wife seems to be procrastinating, she has yet to call for an appointment. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>That is why I take all these events with cautious optimizm.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

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Good going....<P>I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Don't have time to say much as I'm already late to for work. But will check in later.<P>Hey, have you read the Surviving An Affair book yet? That would be a very good starting point. And it will help answer the question about her continuting to have a friendship with the OM. I just cannot be that way. In order for your marriage to recover she has to stop having anything to do with him.<P>I posted this on your other thread but don't know if you are still reading it. Just to confuse you more (LOL) here's antoher thread on the subject of confronting the OM. It is about an OM confrontation that worked. Thought you might find it interesting.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000871.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000871.html</A> <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

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The most significant thing in your post to me is that she said she wants you to go with her to the first counseling session. I hope she's sincere and I hope she hasn't already prejudiced the counselor. The counselor is a big unknown and I've read some really bad counselor tales.<P>As far as your ready questions for the session, please let the counselor do the dirty work and hold your pointed questions as long as you can. <P>Please DO consider asking questions about how YOU can improve your part of the relationship, i.e., open up and show a sincere effort to consider your flaws first: <P>"What did I do wrong?" <P>"Was I a poor communicator?" <P>"What needs of yours was I not meeting?"<P>Get it? Good luck.<P>WAT

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Blue;<P> Just a suggestionhere 'cause I am still not in counselling with my wife and I probably don't have all the answers, but at your wife's suggestion you will be joining at her counselling session. Right?<P> I

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Sorry--hit the wrong button & posted the above.<P>Blue;<P> Just a suggestionhere 'cause I am still not in counselling with my wife and I probably don't have all the answers, but at your wife's suggestion you will be joining at her counselling session. Right?<P> If that is the case, you may want to spend more time listening the first time than trying to get all your questions answered. It might be a time when your wife wants to just talk and not be pressured to answer a lot.<P>If you look at counselling as long-term, you will ultimately get your questions answered. I think you might be better off as a sympathetic listener and not try to push her hard for answers. <P>In any event, good luck.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Elad (edited June 15, 2001).]

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I agree. Obviously she is confused and hopefully she realizes she needs this. I spoke to a councellor on Monday who said that councelling us as a couple is a waste of time if OM is still in the picture. Her recommendation to me was to try to suggest to my wife that she seek councelling on an individual level to sort things out. This week I subtly made that recommendation. Last night is the first time she stated she wanted to go through with it and wanted me present to here what she had to say.<P>I guess I should just sit and listen. I can see that being the most supportive thing to her. It is her session, and she has asked me to be her guest. I just have strong opinions about her views on OM and her remaining friends. If things don't go in favor of me, I want to voice my concern.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

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Hi bluerodeoboy:<P>Maybe I'm just a bit pessimistic but your WS might seems to be trying too hard...she's too agreeable. Now that may be because she feeling quilty, but then she makes the comment about asking the counselor about being friends with OM.<P>Be careful...this whole thing has been very strange...I still think your WS is manipulating you...and you are not hearing all of the truth...just keep your eyes and ears open. <P>I say this because my WS did similar...he had a version of what was happening that was colored just for me...to make me see him in a better light. For instance when he was still at home, he would come back from OW and tell me that she need to get up early in the morning so she usually slept on the couch while he slept in the bed. Yeah, right...I believe that. But at another time when I would confront him he would give me all the gory details of their sex life...just to convince me of the futility of hoping we had a future.<P>"Fog" talk cannot be trusted...remember that...either the good things or the bad things...wait until they are really out of the fog...and you'll know when that is...or at least you'll learn....the hard way. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Faye <BR>

Joined: Sep 2000
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BRB,<BR>I posted on your other thread but I'll say it again. If you believe in the Harley principles, why not councel with them? They know their techniques work because they have seen it proven over and over. I know you fear that the councelor your W pick will be biased, but maybe you could suggest phone counceling with the Harley's and make a good case for it...easy over the phone counceling, no face to face contact, comfortable surroundings (your home), etc. They started phone counceling to cut down on expensive travel for their clients and found out that phone counceling is even more successful than face to face. <P>You know that the Harley's will be "pro-marriage", you don't know that to be true about any other councelor your W may find. Also, read "surviving an affair" and maybe read it with your W if she is willing. She will soon see that staying friends with OM is practically writing off her marriage...it is not possible to remain friends. She has to cut all contact..permanently.<BR>Floored


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