Last night my wife invited me to go with her to the counselor. She wanted me to go to the counselor because she said that she wasn't able to tell me what it is I need to hear. So she wanted to go to the counselor to have her say what it is my wife isn't able to tell me. The counselor spoke to us for a little bit and she asked some questions. The counselor was the one telling me to keep trying to ask my wife out for dinner, a movie or whatever. It was the result of my wife not giving me the time of day nor any respect in all of this that made me ask what is it she isn't telling me.
Here is the bottom line and my wife admited to it. My wife isn't happy in her life right now. She says that has nothing to do with me and that she isn't happy. She says I have done nothing wrong. So the result of her not being happy in life is causing her to want a divorce. She feels that since she isn't happy in the marriage that she may be happy not in the marriage. The problem is that she never communicated her unhappiness to me. The counselor did say that the communications between the two of us had broken down.
So here I sit as individual being told by my wife that I haven't done anything wrong. That she is unhappy and that she isn't there in the relationship any more. She says I have done nothing wrong and that she has changed. I told her that I can't sit here and second guess that I didn't give her something to make her feel this way. That I didn't do something right because she isn't happy in her life.
My wife wants a divoce like tomorrow. Everyone I have spoken to even the counselor is saying that we need to give it some time. But the counselor did say that if we keep living a part that we will grow a part. My wife keeps asking how does she give all this a chance when she just isn't there for the relationship. In some way it seems like she is asking for some type of an answer that she can't come up with. The counselor asked my wife right in front of me what it is she wants. My wife said she wants a divorce. The counselor said this is my two cents on all of this. Basically we should give it six months which is nothing compared to the 8.5 years we have together. That my wife needs to put on a piece of paper the things she wants to have different and that I should do the same. Sort of a contract between the two of us. Give it the six months to see if things are better or different and then go from there. Then she said that if my wife didn't feel like trying at all that would just be a slow painful process. The part I can't believe is that my wife says she loves me and cares for me but she won't give any of this a try for me. It feels as if in the end she is truly showing me what she thinks of me. It really does make me feel like she threw me to the gutter in all of this. I have been shown no respect, dignity, love, nothing...
The second suggestion the counselor made was for us to seperate from each other but not divorce at this point. That basically my wife get her own place and I stay at home and see how that goes. But then again the counselor did say that isn't really working on the relationship because we would be spending time a part from each other. The time a part from each other would basically get us use to being a part. The big issue is my wife just doesn't want to make an effort for whatever reason.
I asked my wife for me to think about this for a few days and to give it some thought. I really don't know any more what to do or not to do. My wife is not changing her mind in any way.
The reason she doesn't want to give me a chance is because she said it came to this in order for me to give some things she wants a chance. However I really knew about half of these things she wants. Also she said that if we moved or did something she wanted and it didn't turn out the way she thought. Well she said she would be able to say oh well and move on. Where she thinks that I would just drag it out and question her. I told her that if she didn't give me a chance on that, well how does she know that? She just doesn't want to try because she says she knows who I am and that I won't change. I told her we all change and how does she know that I don't want to change in some way for myself and her. I told her that if she moves or whatever and finds her happiness. I asked her don't you think then you would be happy having me by your side and with her being happy in life that she would be happy with us. And with her being happy that I would be happy. But then she throws at me what if I do this and I am unhappy with my decision. I told her well at least that way you know that isn't what you wanted and you still have me by your side and in her life.
So what do I do now? I don't want to quit but I have everyone saying listen to what my wife wants. I asked why is it nobody is telling my wife to listen what I want. I am not asking for her to change. I am just asking her to let me by her side and to be a part of her life.
My wife is thinking if she gave it a try she said she doesn't think the intimacy part would ever be there. I am sure it wouldn't be there if she was unhappy. But if that day came when she was happy that it might have some spark again. The first thing to go one somebody is unhappy is the intimacy.
So do I quit or don't quit? What would anybody suggest that I try telling my wife? I want to give this a chance in some way. I need some help on this because I feel as if she has thrown 8.5 years down the drain and then added me to the mix.
I just don't know any more. My wife is scared of her seperating and her still being unhappy. I told her to just let me be part of her life and want to experience this with her....
Helpppppp............

Dear confused_guy, <p>First of all, I'm sorry you have to be going through this. After reading your post all I can say is that IMO your wife is doing some serious fence sitting. In previous posts you mention that your wife wife had an affair with someone she worked with and that she wants some time apart to "think about things"......translation "spend more time with OM". All of the things your wife is saying are very typical FOGESE.<p>"I'm not happy with my life"
"There's nothing you can do to change that"
"I still love you but am not happy being with you"
blah, blah, blah, blah.....
My WW said the same things. Although we did identify what actually caused us to drift apart she was "convinced" that there was no hope for reconciliation and quite frankly there wasn't while she was still seeing the OM. That was the problem. She emphatically denied any contact with other man when in fact her EA had progressed to a PA. We would go to counseling and make no progress because my wife was lieing about continued contact. As long as it's going on you won't make any progress and the counselor may suspect that she is still seeing the OM but they won't say it because it's not their place to (at least that's what I've been told be two counselors. Anyways, we are now in recovery, finally, and at our third counselor and making progress. Suddenly the FOG has lifted, she realized how much she has with our marriage, family, etc. <p>I'm trying to tell you not to lose hope. As long as your wife is fence sitting you will not be able to do a thing to convince her to hop off. She has to do that herself. Keep Plan A'ing and when you think you can no longer go on, when you think you have no more in you...that's when you should...just try harder. She's in there and if you are patient and understanding she will realize what she has. <p>If she insists on moving out you cannot stop her, but you may want to consider plan B as there is only so much you can take.<p>Best of luck!!<p>WW4L<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

Well my wife said she has ended all contact with the guy. The counselor says she believes that is true. My wife just did admit that was just a big mistake in all of this. What she is telling me is that she is just unhappy in her life. She is unhappy and I have nothing to do with that. I didn't do anything to make her that way. She says she has done that to her self. I just ask her not to kick me out of her life and to let me be there for her. Because I know when she is happy again for sure she would of been happy being with me. So how do I deal with this? How do I deal with her saying she is unhappy and she is choosing to leave the relationship because she is just unhappy. She doesn't want to have to worry about things she does affecting me. She also says the things she needs to remain married just aren't there any more. The problem is she knows she is unhappy but she doesn't want me sticking by her side in all of this. I don't want to quit. I am not giving up. But the counselor and my wife are telling me that she wants me to give up. That she wants me to quit. I can't quit she means to much to me. But the counselor said my wife is driving and I am not. How do I tell her to give all this a try because she could be happy with me being there by her side. She has hurt me bad and she knows that. But she just doesn't want to try because she thinks it will be the same old b.s. and she will still be unhappy. I asked her if we never try how does she know that...
I just really don't know why her being unhappy in her life makes her want to push me out of it and her family. Her family really hasn't supported her in this but I have been by her side in all of this. The worse part is the counselor said if we spend time apart from each other that we will just get use to being away from each other.
I need some help....

CG,<p>Let's look at this from a different point of view. First, lets ASSUME that all contact has ended. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If that is true, then what is she facing?<p>1. Withdrawal from the OM.<p>2. A husband she has betrayed.<p>3. Herself, her lack of honesty, the pain she caused in your life and OM's life, and finally in her life.<p>Now can you tell me one reason she would be happy? <p>I know. DuH! <p>I think your counselor is trying to buy time so that she can come out from under the withdrawal. I think you are doing the same thing. It may just work.<p>Now, if the affair is still going on, then all of the responses are obvious.<p>So what to do? I think you shouldn't give up. If it is the first situation, then time, you being there for her, and hopefully making her smile from time to time will help.<p>If it is the latter situation, then you haven't even begun,so sit back do your best Plan A and wait.<p>Hang in the CG. I agree with ww4l you are hearing FOGESE here.<p>CG, this is sort of like fishing. You don't know if the fish are biting, but you know that if not they maybe soon. So you sit on the bank, keep your bait in the water, and do your best to enjoy the rest of the day (your life).<p>CG, the one thing you can do is quit focussing on her, and start to do things you enjoy. Take care of yourself, go to social functions, get out. Whatever! OK?<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Dear confused_guy, <p>After reading your reply I still believe your WW is deep in the FOG. Perhaps, as JL said she is in Withdrawal or it may be possible that the A is still ongoing. Whichever the case, the results will probably be the same, your W won't be able to say anything that makes logical sense. <p>I found a couple of things you said to be indicative of the fact that your W may be blaming you for being unhappy in your marriage. First she says it's not your fault: <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> What she is telling me is that she is just unhappy in her life. She is unhappy and I have nothing to do with that. I didn't do anything to make her that way. She says she has done that to her self <hr></blockquote><p>Then she says that if she returns to the M that it will be the same old B.S.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How do I tell her to give all this a try because she could be happy with me being there by her side. She has hurt me bad and she knows that. But she just doesn't want to try because she thinks it will be the same old b.s. and she will still be unhappy <hr></blockquote><p>What B.S. is she referring to? Sounds to me like she was unhappy with something you were or were not doing your marriage doesn't it?<p>Keep doing plan A and try not to separate during this time if at all possible. My IC and our MC both agreed that a separation would only do further damage causing the situation to worsen.<p>Hang in there, plan A as best you can and if you can find out if she is still seeing OP without her knowing. If she is not you can wait out the withdrawal, it will get better. <p>Keep the faith alive!<p>WW4L

Well thanks for the support and the advice. I guess the part I can't get out of my head is that after 8.5 years she is so determined to get a divorce so quickly. I have been here through all of this for her. Her parents have really disagreed with what she is doing and told her to work on it. I have taken my beating but I am still here. I can tell my wife is really hurting inside but she doesn't want to share any of it with me since I am the one she hurt. She is killing herself in a big way in the process because she is turning to smoking and drinking to ease the pain.
I want to go back home since I have been away from the house for three weeks. Should I go home and be there for her and just give her pure unconditional love? She says that she is not there to stay in the marriage. Personally from what she has given me in my life I feel I need to be there for her even though she feels I shouldn't be there. I want to tell her that I am going to be here for a long time and when she does get happy again I am still going to be here. Do you think she will get scared further into the fog if I do that? I don't care if I will stay with her and she was unhappy with life and wasn't there as a wife. She has been there for me before when I was down. I want to go home. I want to be there for her. I want to hold her and show her I care and that I am not giving up on her nor leaving her. I am not giving up on her as my wife. Does anyone think this is a good or bad idea? The counselor told me the more time we spend apart the more time we get used to it. I want to go home and be there for my wife. Should I just move back home? What should I do?
My wife is unhappy and I know that. I don't believe I am the one to blame 100% for that. None of us are perfect but I have tried to be the best person I could be to here. I can make improvements and if this works out I will do that. How do I tell my wife that I want to be here because I want to be here. She tells me that she is unhappy and that isn't fair to me. That she isn't there in the marriage and that is why she wants out. In some way I think she is trying to do something for me like she knows I deserve something better. I have told her over and over that she is the one that I want to be with. Should I go home or not go home? I just want to be there to show her my love. Show her that I am still there to hold her and to support her. How do I do this? I need some help....I want to go home to be there for her.... I think she has given up on her self as well as a lot of other people. I haven't given up on her....

confused_guy...<p>...have you looked at the stuff on midlife crisis? Same kind of 'unhappy' talk...those in crisis and unhappy see the marriage and their partner (even children) as the source of their unhappiness...<p>...often times the separation serves to show them that the source of unhappiness is within...and that is what needs to be worked on...<p>Many books by the Conways (married couple) on this subject.<p>I know it is hard not to take it personally...but most of the time I see it as something H is going through (a disease, for example)...it is NOT about ME however much he'd like to make it so...when I started to look at it that way, it became a little easier to deal with.<p>www.midlifeclub.com <and>
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>Cali<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

confused_guy,
Hang in there, time, patience & preseverance will prevail. If A stopped then this is a withdrawal but it seems that A is in progress of at least on hold. Quick D will free WW to continue w/o guilt.

confused_guy, <p>I would try to move back home and make every attempt to fulfill any of your wifes EN's possible. Don't pressure her, just be there for her, let her know that you are not going to give up. That is one thing I told my WW over and over.<p>Continue to work on yourself, make yourself a better person for both of you. If you are not seeing an IC, I would recommend it. They can help you cope with and understand the daily situations that you are facing (Us MB'ers can help too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>If she is in Withrawal or still seeing OP it will not be easy to live with her as she will give you nothing in return of your efforts to satisfy her EN's. BE PATIENT and do not LB. <p>Keep posting read the books that are available (the reading helped me more than anything else). and don't let the hope fade. <p>WW4L