JazzeyGirl...I feel so badly for you and your H. You sound alot like me...my days were full of ups and downs in first few months past dday. One day I knew I couldn't live with him and next knew I couldn't live without him.

I usually post under the "in recovery" board...if you get a chance you might look at some of my earlier posts (December timeframe)...my H has also posted some under "tellthetruth". I think I remember posting to your H a week or two ago.

I needed the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth from my H to start on road to recovery. He didn't "forget" he would tell half truths (was always trying to make it sound better or sometimes even worse then it was)....it was sooo frustrating I thought I'd lose my mind. Here he was saying he'd do anything to stay together yet he couldn't give me what I really needed...complete honesty.

In the beginning he was afraid to tell me too much at a time...didn't think I could handle it. Then when he started opening up more...it was hard to keep truths and lies separate...I like you would find all wholes and inconsistencies in his story. He saw me crumbling before his eyes from my need to get at the truth but there was no single "light bolt" for him...it happened in degrees. He did finally tell me the whole truth (even had him take a polygraph to confirm). He didn't do this until I had proven that I could take the truth and that truth really was what I needed to start to heal.

How do you handle it when he tells you the truth about something?

For my H it took seeing my pain, kids pain, IC, MC, reading books to get him to place he is now..now he is an OPEN BOOK. An open book who tells me and shows me he loves me in lots of ways every day. He has proven by his actions that he has learned his lesson and that he will NEVER do anything like this again. Both our IC/MC and Steve Harley said that this was an anomaly for him...now that he's had all the education and counseling...I can feel safe that this will never happen again.

I know you've read alot of the books...has your H read them all...my H read them all right along with me..we discussed what we read every step of the way. I know you said you can't afford counseling but if you have a credit card with available credit on it...call Steve Harley and set up an appointment. We counseled with him 6-7 times at around $185 session on top of IC and regular MC. It was worth it!

Recovery from an A is the hardest work either of you will ever do but it is worth it! Key is that both have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes.

Your H and you both need IC ( I take it that you don't have insurance) borrow money if you need to set up a payment plan...whatever. Your lives and your daughters life is worth it.

Once I started really listening to my H I realized that I contributed equally to the spot our M was in (no excuses for A though)...I was controlling and disrespectful at times.

He was a passive agressive and a conflict avoider.

We both had childhood issues that contributed to who we were...we were both treated and given the education and psychological tools we needed to change.

We are happy now, our kids are happy, we are emotionally and physically strong.

Please take care of yourself...last corner we had to turn was when I collapsed from physical and mental exhaustion..almost had to be hospitalized. Scared crap out of me and my H...I went on Zoloft and my H took me away for 3 days and gave me my medicine, made sure I ate, made sure I slept and most importantly talked to me and loved me.

Our IC/MC said was best thing that could have happened...forced my H to be the strong one...showed him that I did really need him!

Best Wishes!

Jaz,

One thing I learned was that H really didn't remember everything that I had embedded in my mind. He asked how could I remember such detail, my response was how could I not? He said he had blocked it and couldn't recall all of it, it was too painful. Yet somewhere I sensed he also missed it, hated it, loved it. No wonder they are confused.

Then I had to decide if I was going to be part of that confusion. Well if we were going to heal together, a part of it was going to involve me but I decided it was not going to be more than I could handle. Then I had to decide how much I could handle. I always could handle more that I should have. Now I needed to scale back.

So for me I learned to pull back. Let him do more. That helped.

I let him know of some of the triggers. I learned to let him participate in the healing and even take the lead in it.

I have less stress and less tolerance.

L.

I think it's FAR more likely that he'll walk into that courtroom and feel nothing but shame and embarassment. I really wouldn't worry about that. His "relationship" with OW is now being held up to the BRIGHT light in front of lots of people; I'm sure it no longer looks anything like the fantasy he thought it was. Serious reality check, huh.

I'm SO glad you don't have to be present for the yucky stuff in court...if you decide you don't want to be.

I really think this is gonna be o.k. for you and your H, JazzyGirl. Just be patient with yourself and your H.

Take time to enjoy the long-awaited Springtime, Smile at something funny, buy a new lipstick, bear hug your daughter and your H in a big 'ol group hug....enjoy life and learn from it.

Make a determination to not just survive, but to THRIVE!

Lori

Hi Jazzy: Glad to see you feeling better. What a diffence a day makes!!! Love it.

I would not put too much faith in affair coming to light. My WS did not see himself as pathetic. OW called him a scumbag - he ran back to her. She lied and hurt him - he ran back. She tried to hurt me - he ran back. And now she has laughed at him in all his stupidity - I fully expect him to run back. At this point I do not think there is anything she can do that he would not forgive and accept from her. And I think she knows this. I am too afraid of them to get back into this marriage. As soon as he thinks everything is okay with me again, she contacts him and he is back in. What can I say, he enjoys sleeping with snakes. Talk soon. wu

Hi JG,

Listen Hon, my husband's OW #1 poured sugar in my gas tank and then rammed a shopping cart into one of my doors ... she then threatened to kill me TWICE! I had drive bys, no shooting, just the "slow drive by with dome light on and music blarring" past my house at 2:00a type-harassment.

Then OW #2 harassed me on our answering machine when I was sick with cancer, she was abusive and called me vile names, and had never met me!

At the time, my then-husband knew all about all of this, and what did he do ... N-O-T-H-I-N-G, N-A-D-A, Z-I-P.

To this day I don't understand his reluctance in supporting or defending me from these violent unstable women that HE BROUGHT into our lives. It hurt unbelievably.

There came a time that I simply had to stand up for myself. At the urging of our therapist, I finally took OW #2 to court and had a Anti-Harassment Order placed on her. My H was somewhat dumbfounded ... stunned that I did such a thing ... UNTIL his sisters got on his tail to start supporting me to make OW leave me alone. They were mortified that I was subjected to all this.

But I'll tell you what, that AHO was the best thing I did out of all of this. It gave me back some self esteem, empowered me to know that I have rights and don't have to take this abuse from PERFECT STRANGERS simply because I was married to someone they wanted.

I vote you take her to court, Hon. An AHO is much more serious when violated that is a RO. If the OW violates it, the judge told her she would go directly to jail, no question. From all that you've posted, it sounds as tho you have plenty of factual hard evidence to file one.

Stand up for yourself. You don't have to take this abuse.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ April 02, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

My wife is a lot like that too. It took me a long time to realize how low her self-esteem really was because she always acted just the opposite. I always complimented her on how good she looked and what a good mother she was but it didn't seem to matter coming from me. She is very needy of attention and the OM she hooked up with is in his mid-thirties, living by himself with no family. So I can see why he was able to meet her needs so well.

It is amazing some of the types these WS end up with. You are obviously a bright and caring person and your husband gets hung up on someone like THAT? My wife used to be pretty well centered and had good common sense but when the OM tells her how much he loves kids (because we have five)she falls for it totally. This guy has three kids of his own, one that he moved four states away from that he never sees and two more that he actually told my wife his grandmother took , faked their death certificates and he can't get the police or anyone to believe him that they are still alive so he doesn't know where they are. She actually believes this insane story too and feels sorry for him!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally asked by JazzeyGirl:
<strong>Why do you think it is that when we would complement our spouses that it went in one ear and out the other. But when the OM or OW said nice things to them they bought it? I do not get it.

JazzeyGirl</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I can answer this one.

Maybe it's because the OP does not know the WS and the WS feels the BS does. So, because of their self esteem issues they may feel anyone that really knows them wouldn't compliment them and be sincere about it.

I think I may have made it more complicated than it is. ughh....

Jo

I think people with big self-esteem problems need those compliments from others. It doesn't mean as much to them coming from there spouses because they hear it from them so often and it isn't enough for them after a while.

Jazzey Girl,
I don't post here often, not one of the "regulars" (I post on another board). Just wanted to wish you luck with upcoming court proceedings. My H's xOW harrassed us for a full year after the A ended. It was an 8 mth affair but he had been trying to end it for months (OW's own mother said she knew this to be true so I'm not just taking his word) but every time he tried to end it or avoid her, she would threaten him with telling me. When he finally did get the guts to end it, she called and exposed the A to me same day. Crazy little b**ch then proceeded calling my house repeatedly threatening to go to my H's business and kill herself, threatening to expose the A to my children. On & on it went. Though patient with her in the beginning, we both finally told her she HAD to stop calling and move on. She wouldn't stop. She was making hang-up calls all hours of the day and night 10-15 times a day. In addition she was continually driving past our home (which BTW is on a cul-de-sac at the end of a dead end street almost a half hour from where she lives). She also had our business phone #'s and didn't hesitate calling there too, so it would've done no good to change our home #'s - she would only have bothered us more at work. We finally filed a complaint. The police warned her to stop. She wouldn't. She was arrested and put in jail for telephone
harrassment. Her mother called saying that she was calling from jail and crying and they didn't have money to bail her out. I refused to drop the charge. However, and this was still early in the game, I started to feel a bit sorry for her and my H and I gave her mother half of the bond money with a note signed by both of us asking her to never contact either of us again. Within three weeks, she was calling again. Followed me to Wal-mart on one occasion. I took pictures of her driving past my home. She called and cursed me about that and the police picked her up and wrote her another summons. She failed to show up for court dates for the first arrest and the summons and bench warrants were issued, plus she was now wanted for bond forfeiture. She began calling from a cell phone that couldn't be traced so I had difficulty proving to the authorities that it was on-going. She screwed up though one night and forgot to block her number and it came up on my caller ID. We were able then to get phone records. She was arrested again this past January and this time spent 9 days in jail.

We finally had our court date in February. She had to pay fines adding up to about $850 and was ordered never to contact either of us again else it will be a FELONY and she'll do more jail time.
Another thing which I thought was kinda strange is that the judge also ordered her to write 2,500 lines of "I will not do stupid things" and bring back to court when she comes to pay her fine. Juvenile punishment for juvenile behavior I guess. I just thought it was kinda funny. I don't think she got near enough punishment for the hell she put us through but the best part is that we haven't heard a peep from her since. So, hopefully, it is over. It's been 16 mos since the A ended. H and I have been working hard at recovery and for the most part it is going well (still have the occasional "down" day). Now we can really concentrate on recovery without the constant harrassment and interference from her.

Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes.

--Almost There