I usually post on the EN forum, but I thought this would be a more appropriate place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm at the end of my rope. My H has been gone for 10 months (deployed, although not to ME) and our M went downhill waayyyy before that. I feel isolated and alone and find myself fantacising about OM. H has admitted since he's been gone that he has never had an emotional connection with me, and thinks that's why he put me through hell and back before he left. So I'm just supposed to deal with that. He says he loves me now, but is very distant (obviously physically, as well as emotionally) and how am I supposed to believe him? He told me he loved me all the time before and apparently that wasn't true. I am feeling much too cynical for my own good and don't even care anymore. I want so badly to feel wanted and desired and strangers on the street make me feel that way more than my own H. Please tell me why I shouldn't have an A because it's becoming more and more appealing.

Hows about you tell us why you should not have an affair, while a husband that loves you just the way you are is away on deployment and before a stranger on the street gives you nothing more than a gutfull of sorrow and a few other possible nasties....including a possible divorce.

ps I know I know that was a long sentence.

I'm sorry for all your heartache, MG. I've read some of your posts on ENs with interest. I know you've gone through so much.

Can you answer a few questions before I answer your initial question (Why shouldn't you have an A?):

1. Do you still love your H?
2. Do you believe in marriage and the vows?
3. Is there already someone you are thinking of having an A with?

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

There is a strong possibility that an A could end your M. Is that what you want?? If a M is going to fail then it should be because each partner did absolutely everything they could do to make it work. I don't think you can say that at this point. A marriage should end because both partners just can't make it work and not because there is another person involved. If you can honestly say that you did everything humanly possible to save your M and still it wouldn't work then so be it. Get your D, spend sometime working on yourself and your issues. Once you are an emotionally healthy adult who has sorted through their baggage then consider another relationship.

It's time for you and your H to seriously and maturely discuss your relationship and it's problems. The two of you need to be honest and open. You need to tell him how you're feeling and why. Perhaps, discussing your situation with an IC would help you to make your decision. Right now you are trying to run away from the reality of your unhappy life. The OM will not make you happy. Happiness is an internal state that one creates within themselves and shares with others. No one can make you happy. Stop running, face your problems, deal with them responsibly. The OM can't make your life better but, you can!

MG,

The one thing that is working both for you (in reality) and against you (in your mind) is TIME.

In reality, you and your H are very young. Nothing is going to change tomorrow. You need to give it time to work back your feelings for him.

In your mind, this is working against you. You seem to want things to change THIS INSTANT. In the last several weeks you have gone from wanting to move an go to school, to get a boob job, to now having an A. Yes, your H has been gone a long time, but in this time of crisis for our country, it is necessary and can't be helped.

It isn't going to change overnight. I made some serious mistakes in my life when I was 20 that I regret to this day (I'm 34). Don't make an even bigger one without giving your M a chance.

One reason to not have an affair. It is a sin, and it is lust. It is adulterous, and look at what God sees with lust and adultery. Do you love your husband? Do you want to lower yourself to an affair? An affair, is committing sin, and being disrespectful to God? Is that what you want? Do you realize the after effects you will have to deal with the rest of your life? The lies and deceit that you will have to deal with? What about the vows, you said at the altar to your hsuband? There are many reasons to not have an affair. I know that I am not loved by my husband, but still I would not have an affair. Some of us are stronger in our vows than others. My hsuband had an affair, but I know I would never do that. Cause my vows I made at the altar were sincere.

Look at yourself, and ask, what is an affair going to do for me? What is it going to do as far as emotionally, or physically. Physically, you could get AIDS, STD. My husband had a physical affair, and we had to have a order for him to get STD and AID testing. He wouldn't on his own, cause he was going to do it in his time and when. Luckily, he showed negative. But I would still feel more comfortable if he had another test done shortly. Six months after the last one.

Be proud of yourself, don't belittle yourself to the level of an affair. There is so much pain with an affair. Us BS's are suffering so much, do you want to do this to a family? NO!!!! Be spiritually in tact with God. Do the right thing.

1)Because unless you can fixed the relationship you are in , you have no right to go looking for a new one.
2)You will cause pain to your H
3)You will cause pain to your Daughter
4)You will hurt your mom and dad
5)you will hurt your inlaws
6)the OM will be hurt
7) the om family will be hurt
8)you will cause your H so much pain he may never be the same person again.He may even consider suicide
9) you will hate yourself, when its all said and done,if you have any ounce of decency in your bones.
10) what a horrible example to your child

I am the ws, don't do it. I regret it every second I breathe. Not one second goes by that I don't think and regret what I did.You are better then this, MG. You are. I KNOW how it feels when it feels like you are a BIG NOBODY. Some one comes and fills that hole in your heart. Well I fell for it, and now I have a HOLE in my SOUL.I am glad you are hear to talk it out, sometimes I think it helps to just get it off your shoulders.But don't do it, take it in your mind ball it up like paper and toss that crap out . Stay faithful to your vows. If you want a D then get a d when your H comes back, but be faithful to your vows. You want to tell the next man you are with ( chances you marry an OM are slim) Hi I am an adulterer when the going got tough I had an A, you want to have a commited relationship with me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> No you don't. In the best of marriages there is tough times, even before My A my H and I went thru HELL and back.I married at 18, though sans kids I KNOW what its like to be a married young wife. i am sooo proud that I am married to my H after 12 years. We are the longest married couple we know around us and people look up to us. DOn't give up yet, on your, your H or your marriage. You have lasted 10 mos, you can last a few more.

We have faith in you MG!

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: euphoria ]</small>

Don't have an affair!!! It is not worth the pain and the hurt of your husband and others. The 1st 5 years of my marriage my H drank and cheated and then went to rehab and was sober for 6 1/2 years, then I had an A and my H went back to drinking and then he started seeing someone last summer and is now living with her. Although he has been back here inbetween my H can't get over me hurting him. Our children are hurting and everyone that knows us.

Thank you all.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. Do you still love your H?
2. Do you believe in marriage and the vows?
3. Is there already someone you are thinking of having an A with </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. At times I still love him and feel like I can't imagine my life without him. And at other times I am so repulsed by him and all he's done that I hate him.
2. Yes. But I'm exhausted from pulling all of the weight from day 1.
3. Yes.

I guess that answers most of the questions. I KNOW what the right thing is to do, I guess I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I'm getting desperate. I've tried going back to school, and did for a semester. I haven't been able to get a job because I haven't been in one place long enough. I do get out on my own, I go to the gym, I run about 10 errands a day, my house is immaculate, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home feeling pathetic all the time. This loneliness is just overwhelming and it was the same way when H was here. Maybe we should get a D. I don't know what to do. Maybe it does seem like I am rushing things and wanting them all to change "this instant" but things have been bad for a good year and a half, and that may not seem like very long to a lot of you, but it's felt like a lifetime. And I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of it all since I'm having to deal with it all by myself.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I didn't mean to start an argument or anything, I just wanted to get it out there. I guess for awhile I've been acting like I would never have an A and it wouldn't happen to me, and I've been rather shocked at how often it crosses my mind now.

You should not have an affair because of all of the pain that you will cause to those you are most close to.

Most importantly, you will cause the most pain to yourself.

Please do not do this. Talk to a girl friend, your parents, or anyone but another man about your emptiness that you are feeling. Do not involve another man in your marital troubles. He will become your OM.

marriedgirl

Take a long hard look at the post by those that have had affairs.

The pain they cause ALL parties is tremendous...so whatever upside you see in the "here and now" pales in comparison to the downside after the affair.

Here's a quick one to look at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010167

You are all right. Even what I'm typing seems ridiculous. Reading back on it, it sounds so incredibly irrational. Of course I shouldn't have an affair. Of course it will just cause more pain. Of course I should be avoiding all other men. Then why can't I stop myself? Why does the life I'm living feel so dull and lifeless and depressing that when another man looks at me a certain way- in a way I'm not sure my H has ever looked at me, it makes me not even care what happens? Why do I want *that* more than I want to avoid causing pain? I feel disgusting and horrible and I'm sure that's how I sound. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm not sure how to look at the positive and "find myself" or whatever. I have this driving need to be wanted. And it feels as pathetic as it sounds.

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: marriedgirl ]</small>

Not pathetic at all, MG. Very much real to you, I'm sure. Your pain is no less valid than the pain of a BS when betrayed.

I really do think I understand. But I think you may not remember that when you and H were courting he DID look at you in such a way. It's just been a very long time. Think about it.

I'm not saying fixing your marriage isn't going to be work, it def is. And even if you're not willing to do that, having an affair is not an answer for filling the void you're feeling.

Lv,
Jo

You are human...you have biological urges...it's normal to be wanted.

The thing is, you have to control yourself. Men may look at you in a certain way. So what??? My wife wouldn't give me the time of day during her affair and during this time, it seemed as other women would stare longingly at me. That doesn't give any right to have an affair. It was difficult to resist the temptation to start something, but now I can live every day without guilt because I did not do anything.

Your husband has looked at you that way...it's just been a while since he has seen you. Just imagine what that look on his face will be when he sees you when he comes home. I will bet that every day he is away he is thinking of you.

The only way, at this point, to feel closer to your H is to talk to him! Do whatever it takes. Phone him, email him, hand write a long heartfelt letter, do whatever it takes! Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you feel lonely, frustrated, isolated, bored, dull.... Tell him everything in a non-threatening way. Even if he's not sure how to respond in the beginning, give him a chance to "absorb" what you've said and let him respond in kind. If nothing else you will feel relieved at having unburdened yourself and shared your feelings of weakness with him. Is that not what a H/W is...a soft place to fall?

I'll assume from your posts that you are a military spouse, so am I. I know what it's like to move around, I know what it's like to feel lonely, I know what it's like to try to go back to school. I know what it's like to be alone for months on end with small kids and no support. I know what it's like to start a career, get seniority and have to move (I'm a nurse).

I'm not trying to patronize you here but, you are very young. M is one of those things that forces us to grow-up and behave responsibly. Being M is hard work, being married to someone in the services is harder work!! Give yourself credit for the strength you have shown so far...10 months is a very long time.

I'm going to go out on a limb here...it sounds to me like you may be getting a little burnt out. You really, really need to reach out to ppl in your community that can help. MB is great but, it's "cyber-support" and it doesn't help when you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on...when you need interaction with "real" ppl. Maybe, that is what the OM is offering you...real interaction, he alleviates the boredom and dullness.

I understand the need to feel wanted, desired, attractive, witty etc., etc.. I think everyone here at MB does. We all want to feel cherished and valued; that's normal. What's not normal is doing something destructive to get those feelings. An A is a temporary fix, an illusion. The feelings aren't real, they are a fantasy.

Do the emotioanlly healthy thing by talking to your H and reaching out to ppl who can help.

Thank you so much mgm- that is exactly how I feel. And I want to be a nurse too! I've completed a little over 1 year already but since nursing school is so incredibly rigorous and demanding, it's really hard to cut out a chunk of time to go back and finish, esp. when things are as crazy as they've been lately, AND with a little one. So I applaud you.
I AM getting burnt out. I have been for a long time. I really have tried to be strong (what I express here is not how I act in "real life" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) but it's getting harder and harder. I hate sounding whiny, so I will stop there. And you're right- OM is a distraction. I'm not looking for a serious relationship with someone else, if I'm "looking" for anything, it's just a break I guess. And I know that makes me a whimp and for that I am ashamed. But I hate being young and feeling so GD old. I love the way he looks at me and touches me (nothing has happened, just very casual touches) and talks to me. Like he finds me... I don't know. But I guess that's what M is all about- learning to live with someone who couldn't care less about you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> No, my H says he loves me and desires me, it's just hard to believe because he's a prolific liar, and that's all he's done in the past.
I don't know how to sort through all of these feelings!! Anyway, thank you for being so kind in your response. I truly appreciate it.

I agree with everything mgm said to you. The main thing is to communicate with your H. Give the guy a chance to, not just say he loves you, but, prove he loves you.

Even if he cannot prove this to you, do not have an affair. Divorce before you go that route. Unless you have been a BS you have no idea the hell you will put on those you love by having an A.

Please, stop ALL contact with the OM. Communicate with your husband all that you are feeling. Give him the chance to be what you need. If he cannot or will not...end the marriage before you become an adultress.

jd

Dear Marriedgirl,

I have beenliurkingon this board for quite a while. i am looking at your sitch from the other side. From my handle you may be able to see that I'm an Australian.

I am just back from active ops after being wounded and have discovered that my wife has been having an affair with a guy who pays guitar in a reggae band.

I'm just too busted up to go on, but for pitty's sake think again.

Digger.

Digger,

Were you wounded in action in the middle east? Not that it really matters, just curious.

jd

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 03:33 AM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>