For the past 2+ years I have been the OW. It is not a situation I'm proud to be in, but it is something that happened for many reasons. Soon after meeting the love of my life, I purchased Dr. Harley's HN/HN to try to understand why a man would venture into an A.<p>This book was fantastic! It gave me insight on how very important needs are to a marriage. Without a W providing those needs, a H turns to someone else. This guy is a loving, caring husband and father, and a good provider, but he misses out on emotional, recreational and physical needs which should be essential from his W. We came into each other's life by chance and found we shared so many interests and a great friendship. We fulfilled all of Dr. H.'s needs for each other. We enjoyed recreation, sports, music and lots of other "fun" things. We always make each other smile. It was only natural for it to lead to S. Along the way, I fell in love. It seems so natural and right to be together. He recently told me that he cares about me a great deal, but does not love me. I was shocked, as I thought our feelings were mutual. I feel something in his eyes when he looks at me. I can't believe I could be so wrong, but maybe my strong love for him blinds me.<p>In addition, he also told me that he's recently met an OW that he may want to be with physically, although they do not share the same friendship we do. He has no intention of ending contact with me yet, but will wait to see how his new "friendship" develops with the OW. He does not want to hurt me, but wants to be honest. Needless to say, I am hurt, heartbroken. The thought of him with an OW tears me apart.<p>What do I do? How do I stop loving him? I always knew that I placed second to his W and family, but didn't expect to "compete" with an OW. Has anyone dealt with something like this? Help! Thanks!

His Needs Her Needs is for married couples not ow's and married men... you have made the biggest mistake of your life by being involved with a married man. You need to end it and get out now. YOu should really look at yourself. You are sinning, you are making big mistakes... his wife is the unknowing trusting soul that he is betratying... it is his job to work on his committed marriage and not turn away to an ow... and no, it is not the wife's fault he did this... you are a temptation, you are an illusion.. -perhaps your relationship with the mm got too real and he needs another fantsy... this man is sick and you are sicker for participating in this. YOu need to do something quick and get a real life... this is not real.. you are seriously ill, seek help. I am sorry to be so negative but put yourself in his wife;s shoes... I am sure he has made up many a lie... he is a liar, right? and exaggerated many of her faults... while he justifies his adulterous relationship with you, an ow... I am so sorry that you have participated in this... please understand your mistakesz and get help for htis and move on... no one here will help you perpetuate your A.<p>H [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm just going to warn you to be prepared for some cutting remarks. OW and OM aren't all that well thought of on this forum. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The only thing I can think to say is I think both you and the W would be better off without him. He sounds like a jerk.<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: LostForWords ]</p>

Oh my goodness [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] You're not serious, my dear! You have NOT come to a marriage builders forum to ask how you can handle your friendship with a married man since he recently told you he's interested in ANOTHER OW? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't want to be unkind, but this is not a problem for MB site. People are here working on their marriages. You need to find a relationship forum to discuss this issue with others. <p>But briefly, this MM sounds like a jerk and a half, playin' you and who knows how many others. That you could be fooled is definitely something to be wary about, but consider the fact that you KNEW he was married and continued seeing him, I think that had something to do with the fact that MM knew you were easy prey, and could be treated this carelessly. <p>You teach people how to treat you.<p>God Bless,
Lisa (previously "browneyedgirl")

DJ,<p>If you really want to know how to get out of this relationship, I can probably help you. First, change your telephone number and get an unlisted number. Second, change your email address. Third, move to another town(I know this sounds drastic, but it is the only real way). If this man still somehow contacts you, threaten to tell his wife. You will go through intense withdrawal for about three weeks, then it will fade after about three months. In the meantime, find a female minister or church friend and tell HER the entire story. She can keep you accountable. This is really the only way to effectively stop loving him, as you say. Unfortunately, it will be very painful.<p>In regard to your questions about the OOW, it is very simple. Look at this from his perspective. You have already proven that you are willing to be the second woman in his life, so why not the third? He is now having some needs met by his wife, and some met by you, but now he wants to see if the OOW can meet some of them better, kind of an audition. <p>I know that this sounds harsh, but I really think that if you get away from this man and make it through withdrawal, you will be very happy that you did. No one deserves to be the "second" woman in a man's life, and certainly not the third. If you make it through this, you will look back and be thankful that you got away from him when you did. <p>Just my opinion.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by djmusicbox:
In addition, he also told me that he's recently met an OW that he may want to be with physically, although they do not share the same friendship we do. <p>Gee, he's cheating on the mistress that he is cheating on his wife with with another woman. Sounds like a prince, a real catch. Someone you'd want as a moral anchor for your children, and to count on in your old age.<p>Sorry, but your situation does not exactly bring up a crying need to dispel advice in me. Perhaps your should try www.marriagewreckers.com

One question - Are YOU married?

The choices we make in life are not always going to be the best ones. We make mistakes, learn from them and move on. <p>There is a web site that someone posted a link to a while back about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. Unfortunately, I don't have that link. In essesnce, it helped distinguish between relationships that encourage positive growth and those that can only lead to dispair. They both involve feelings of being "in love". Even women who get beaten by their spouses often feel "in love". The difference is that healthy relationships are capable of meeting all our current needs and adapting to our future needs. The realtionshipo you are in now would not meet that criteria. It may have love, but unless you a Beatle, love is NOT all you need. <p>It sounds like HNHN has opened your eyes a bit to the reality that there is nothing magic about love. Reading posts here will reoinforce that - in any marriage it comes and goes. healthy realtionships have cycles but the couples survive these cycles because they share more than just romantic feelings. <p>The roomantic love you feel now is great - but so can a love with another man. One that is willing to commit to you and meet all your needs for the rest of your life. Isn't that far more worthwhile than chasing a part time lover? Why do this to yourself. You deserve better. <p>Breaking up with your MM will not be easy. There are some letters in the Q/A section of this site that deal with the feelings of being in love with another person and taking the steps to break of that relationship. they are designed for married people in external affairs but they would apply to you as well. <p>What may make it more difficult for you is that you don't have another relationship to fall back on. i amnot sure if there is any way to compensate for that. It will be tough and take allot of courage. But having said that, you really do sound like a courageous woman. I think you could do it. <p>This isn't a great site to get support during this important time in your life. Some of the people here are going to have a hard time sympathizing with you because it triggers negative feelings from their own relationships. Your stpry will cause them hurt and it will be hard for them to understand the lonliness and dispair that you might feel as you learn to cope without your MM. <p>
If you would like support there is a web site called lovingyou.com that I think has a board for members in similar circumstances to yours and some excellent mentors to help you through. <p>If there is anything more we can do, please let me know. Take care and make today the first day of a new more fulfilling life... your worth it.

if you read dr harleys book, you already know that he views an affair as the most despicable act a spouse can inflict on another. when you read that part....and his descriptions of the pain and anguish they cause....i wish you had had the strength to end this affair on your own....you could have preserved more of your identity and self respect....and getting over him would be much easier. it's too late to undo what has been done....but if it is not over yet...do it now please.
as you can see....there have been a lot of people hurt on the site by the destruction of an affair. you don't mention if this man has children who are also the innocent victims....the pain goes on and on and you have joined the ranks of it's prey. <p>no matter how much you love this man please open your eyes to the reality of your situation and end any and all contact with him immediately...it is a dead end street for you...and this man is poison. it is natural that the people here will have more in common with the wife he betrayed...so many of us have been on the receiving end and are working very hard to rebuild in the aftermath. <p>that does not mean i don't understand what it is like to love someone....or how hard it is to get over someone....i do....but the only thing that does that is time.....time spent apart....if you see him at all....you will be in pain all over again.
isit2late is right....do whatever you must to separate yourself from him and slowly, slowly it will get easier<p>and visualize in your mind what a low, knieving, manipulative, scumbag, dirty rotten, weasel...dog doo, batspit, pondscum, toe cheese [censored] this guy is and it will get easier and easier.

PLEASE!!! Do you think this man really cares about you? He was using you just like he was using his wife and is now going to use another OW. If I were you, I'd tell the wife, she deserves to know. My H did this to me 2 yrs. ago and I wish some one had told me. Get away from this pig, he is a user, and an abuser. The real victim here is his wife and his kids, NOT YOU. Think about his poor kids. Good luck in your break from him.

cow manure, rat poisoning, goat turds, toad slime

snot drippings, bird guano, rabbit pellets

osama breath, crotch rot, horse dung

This has to be the most stupidist thing I've ever read in my entire life!<p>Are you for real?<p>Did you make this up?<p>NO ONE! I MEAN---NO ONE CAN BE THIS STUPID.<p>NO ONE.<p>ANNA

that stuff you pick out of your teeth, nail clippings, phlem

bump

Hi dj--<p>You're certainly in a pickle, aren't ya. <p>I think it's great that you read HNHN. It will prepare you for your next relationship. An unencumbered one. That word looks enough like cucumber to stay with my pickle theme here.<p>Perhaps your MM's needs haven't been met by his W. It's probably not too much a stretch to guess he's not meeting hers either. <p>A couple of comments:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We fulfilled all of Dr. H.'s needs for each other. We enjoyed recreation, sports, music and lots of other "fun" things.<hr></blockquote><p>I believe you supply SOME of MM's needs, while his W is fulfilling others. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He recently told me that he cares about me a great deal, but does not love me.<hr></blockquote><p>2+ years, and he doesn't love you....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He has no intention of ending contact with me yet, but will wait to see how his new "friendship" develops with the OW. He does not want to hurt me, but wants to be honest.<hr></blockquote><p>Oh, I'm sure he has no intention of ending contact with you yet (and sorry, don't mean to sound sarcastic). Your MM is a player. He will string you along as long as you let him. He deceives his W. I doubt he's being entirely honest with you -- he's probably already had sex with OW #2. Why risk losing OW #1 if he hasn't already tasted the fruit/receptiveness of OW #2?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He does not want to hurt me, but wants to be honest.<hr></blockquote><p>Well, he's hurting a lot of people, you included. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The thought of him with an OW tears me apart.<hr></blockquote><p>dj, may I ask...does it hurt you that he returns to his W also? You say you didn't expect to "compete" with an OW. Yet, you "compete" with a W. Things aren't as bad at home as he would like you to believe; he's still there. Kinda makes his claims of honesty seem a bit...half...hearted....at best.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What do I do? How do I stop loving him?<hr></blockquote><p>1. Inform MM - no further contact initiated or accepted.
2. Heal - will take time. Reflect on what's happened, and why this was acceptable to you at ANY time, then KNOW you deserve better.
3. Utilize MB concepts in your next relationship (stay away from those married ones!).<p>Good luck.

Ok, some more advice that will sting. First of all, he will NOT be cheating on you with the next OW. He will be cheating on his wife - again. He has no committment to you, his committment is to his wife, whom he married. It was to her that he promised to "love, honor, and cherish, forsaking all others" - not to you. That's the committment he is breaking.<p>Second, while you are meeting some of the EN of this man, SO IS HIS WIFE. Maybe you realize this, but it is not apparent in your message. <p>Third, this man can AND DOES lie. He's lying to his wife, to whom he made a life-long committment. What makes you think that as the OW you are above the lies?<p>Fourth, this man does not seem to love his wife, you, or the other OW as much as he loves himself.<p>Conclusion - get out while you can. You are causing extreme grief to yourself and to another woman for the loyalty of a man that has none.

Thank you everyone for your comments. And yes, even the stinging ones....I did expect them and deserve them, as I said I was not proud of the situation I'm in. The many comments are helping me see my MM as he really is...a liar, a cheat, and someone very deceitful....but I still love him. I don't want to, I wish I didn't, but I do. <p>Contrary to what many of you may think, I do believe in marriage and family. What I've gotten into is totally wrong and against my upbringing. I'm an average woman; not a vamp after another woman's husband. Hopefully everyone's comments will make me strong enough to end this. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have gotten into this to begin with. I know God didn't give me someone else's husband....but I don't know why He made me fall in love with him.

dj....i'm a little surprised you came back after the beating you took, it's just that and i hope you can now see....that so many lives here have been destroyed by affairs. we don't want to help teach you how to keep a married man, or how to use the techniques here to destroy a marriage...even if you do still love him. if you get anything out of this....please please let it be that continuing to love this man will only bring you and others heartbreak. God didn't choose this man for you....he gave each of us free will....and while we can't always choose who we fall in love with....we can choose to act on that love or not. God still loves you....but this man without honor probably never did. please do what ever is necessary to get away from this love...it will not bring you happiness and you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to meet someone you could have a decent relationship with. i know you are in pain....i don't want that for anyone...but it won't stop until you write this guy off. he is a user. "only a fool faces temptation...the wise man runs away" i think St. Francis of Assisi said that....i'm not sure...but whoever did....they were right. run dj....run as far as fast as you can.