Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#3008285 05/20/19 03:33 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I will try and keep it short.

I have been with my partner 8 years. We have 2 children together age 5 & 7. We were only together 6 months when I first fell pregnant. We were very happy together and life was good. I loved my life with him and we got on well. The relationship started to suffer a little after the 2nd child. He didn't cope very well with the lack of attention and sex. There was a few angry outbursts. Then I got very irritated with him because I felt un supported. He use to binge drink a lot at weekends and lie in bed all morning whilst I was up with the kids at night and then still going in the morning.

I think he would get moody if he didn't get enough sex, shut himself off and be cold towards me. Then by the time he snapped out of it I would be annoyed he had been like it in the first place. I started making lots of effort arranging nights out and weekends away and trying to make more effort to have regular sex. Things seemed to get better as long as I was making lots of effort. I must admit I found it tough giving him enough attention with a baby and a toddler, and I was pretty much doing it on my own. I feel like he needs a lot of attention and feel whatever I give him is never enough. When we do have periods of regular sex then he is like 2 different people.

Another issue is that he has never asked me to marry him. He did a half [censored] proposal when I was pregnant, and I always thought he would ask at some point, as we were very much in love, but it never happened. I have never really brought it up properly it until about a year ago. I asked him why he has never asked me - he told me 'Well you have spent about 5 years looking at me like you hate me and what are we going to do pretend we love each other walking up the aisle'.

That comment has really grated on me and I guess now I am thinking well if its that bad whats the point of being together at all? I also feel upset that all the hard work I did bringing up our children and thats all he has to say. Problem is, I love our family unit, I would be devastated if it broke down. I feel like I am rocking the boat when I bring it up. Sometimes I feel like separating because of it, but then I feel that i should remain in the situation mainly for the children and a lot of the time we are happy. Most of the time I will forget about it and then something will happen and I will think yes he doesn't want to marry you does he?

He seems committed in every other way. He hardly goes out with his friends he wants to be with me and the kids, he has me well set up financially with insurances and wills.



Last edited by Reasonswhy; 05/20/19 03:39 PM.
Reasonswhy #3008289 05/21/19 12:19 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Welcome to MB. Is there any plan to get married at this point?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3008290 05/21/19 12:41 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi BrainHurts

No plans to marry.

We have been together 8 years.

have only raised it about us getting married in the last year. He asked me very casually when i was first pregnant 7 years ago. I felt like he was asking me because i was pregnant.

He said you have spent the last 5 years hating me. Totally untrue. Do we get married pretending we are jn love? He said maybe in the future when we reconnect!

I just feel like they are all excuses.

Now i am left feeling if thats how he really feels whats the point of being together at all? Or suck up and get on with it.

Reasonswhy #3008304 05/22/19 03:38 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
However, if I am completely honest with myself there are problems in the relationship. So would it really be a wise decision to marry at all?

Reasonswhy #3008323 05/23/19 05:47 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 10
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 10
**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 05/23/19 07:20 AM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material

Text required
Reasonswhy #3008326 05/23/19 10:44 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
OK not sure what happened there something got posted then taken off....:)

Reasonswhy #3008353 05/26/19 11:38 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi is there anyone out there? I havent had any response to my post? Only one which was taken off.
Thank you

Reasonswhy #3008355 05/26/19 04:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
This situation is going to be super hard to turn around. That is why Brainy asked whether you had plans to marry. It sounds as if there are all kinds of problems in your relationship which is not really surprising as you initially got together because you were pregnant rather than choosing one another, getting married and then having children. Obviously you cannot go back and change the past but what you can do is decide not to continue to drift. Not only is that unhealthy for both of you but it is very harmful for your children who will grow up thinking that this is how relationships ought to be.

So you need to start by analysing the core problem which is that you are only semi committed to one another.

Is he still binge drinking or has that stopped? An addict always puts his drug of choice first so if he is an alcoholic that issue is going to prevent anything else being addressed.

Would you be able to update us on that first?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008359 05/27/19 01:51 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi Living_Well

Thank you for your post.

Yes I agree I feel like this situation is going to be super hard to turn around. In fact it is starting to feel like such a mess I am finding if difficult to explain it all in my head. My anxiety levels are starting to get really bad.

His binge drinking has stopped at the moment. He drinks heavily at weekends for about 2 or 3 weekends in a row and then feels terrible and completely stops drinking for about 3 - 5 months. He used to do it more when the children were small but now a lot less. When he is not drinking he is super healthy.

I know that we are only semi committed to each other and understand that marriage is completely different to the situation we are in. I have done a lot of reading on this site before I posted. I have read things like buyer, renter and freeloader. I have read about living together before marriage. I guess i have done it all wrong.

I feel like he is very committed in many ways not in others. He always wants us to be together as a family, never goes on boys nights or weekends away without me. All he seems to want us me and the kids. He books surprise family trips away for us, took us on a wonderful surprise trip to Lapland, surprised me with a lovely new car 2 weeks ago. In other ways I feel like he is not committed to me, not really interested in how i feel about things, prone to AO and DJs. I struggle though as I feel that I have neglected him and focused on the children too much.

Reasonswhy #3008360 05/27/19 07:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Hi Living_Well

Thank you for your post.

Yes I agree I feel like this situation is going to be super hard to turn around. In fact it is starting to feel like such a mess I am finding if difficult to explain it all in my head. My anxiety levels are starting to get really bad.


Nothing is impossible

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
His binge drinking has stopped at the moment. He drinks heavily at weekends for about 2 or 3 weekends in a row and then feels terrible and completely stops drinking for about 3 - 5 months. He used to do it more when the children were small but now a lot less. When he is not drinking he is super healthy.


He is a dry drunk who periodically relapses. Until the alcoholism is addressed, nothing else is going to work. Would he agree to go to AA? He needs to address the demons that led him to his addiction in the first place otherwise he will simply replace this addiction with another.

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I know that we are only semi committed to each other and understand that marriage is completely different to the situation we are in. I have done a lot of reading on this site before I posted. I have read things like buyer, renter and freeloader. I have read about living together before marriage. I guess i have done it all wrong.

I feel like he is very committed in many ways not in others. He always wants us to be together as a family, never goes on boys nights or weekends away without me. All he seems to want us me and the kids. He books surprise family trips away for us, took us on a wonderful surprise trip to Lapland, surprised me with a lovely new car 2 weeks ago. In other ways I feel like he is not committed to me, not really interested in how i feel about things, prone to AO and DJs. I struggle though as I feel that I have neglected him and focused on the children too much.


Don't be too hard on yourself. You were always going to come a distant second to his first love; alcohol and your instincts told you that. Once you have addressed the alcoholism, you will be amazed at how much better things can be. But one step at a time, no sense in trying to repair your relationship until he no longer has a relationship with his first love.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008365 05/27/19 07:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Will he get help for his alcoholism? Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3008367 05/28/19 04:36 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
HI Living_Well

I think I have under estimated his problem with alchohol. I have been thinking a lot about this and past situations. I am really not sure how to raise this with him. I thought the right time would have been after his recent drinking bout 4 x nights in a row. He was very remorseful after that, and that would have been a good time to raise it and ask him about an AA program. His business partner has recently come out of a rehab clinic for alchohol issues. He is now no drinking for life, but he had a lot of therapy too. My partner actually said to me I am not alchoholic as I don't need drink all the time I can go for months without it. I need to think how I am going to do this, I need to find the right time otherwise he is going to blow up.

I am still a bit unsure how his binge drinking would affect our relationship this much.

I am finding the situation really sad, we are quite estranged at the moment. We spend the days together and as soon as the kids are in bed we do our own thing. I want to spend the time with him, but it is like he is avoiding me. He is sleeping in the spare room, he does this quite a lot. This is since our bust up last week when I asked him straight out why have you never asked me to marry you? How do you think that makes me feel? He told me that I had 'issues'. This makes it harder for me to raise AA.

This site is really helping me cope with this and make sense of what is going on. Thank you.

Hi BrainHurts

No I have not thought about emailing Dr Harley. What to say? Sorry still learning here.

Thank you, Reasonswhy

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 05/28/19 04:37 AM.
Reasonswhy #3008376 05/29/19 05:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Emailing Dr Harley is an excellent idea. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com You will go on the radio show. Let us know when you hear back and Brainy will send you the link from the archive so that you can listen more than once.

Your question should be something along the lines of 'how do I get my alcoholic boyfriend to agree to go to AA?' But you will need to give him some background on your situation. Dr Harley does not generally read these forums. Dr Harley was an addiction counsellor before he started Marriage Builders so he is perfectly placed to advise you. Best of luck and keep us updated.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008377 05/29/19 02:46 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Thank you guys.

So I have done what you said and written to Joyce on the email address you sent to me. I will keep you posted.

Until then, husband came home with cake for us all tonight. Then as soon as the kids gone to bed we are back to doing our own thing and sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Its all really bizarre. Its like he wants me but doesn't want me!!! I am feeling ok though.

Good night all.

Reasonswhy #3008379 05/30/19 02:43 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi there

Just to let you know that I was on the radio show today. I was in the last 10 minutes and they called me 'Teresa'. I am thrilled that they responded so quickly.

I am quite shocked by Dr Harleys advice to me.

He basically said that in our situation he would recommend a separation. He said that the situation is very typical of unmarried couples who live together. He said he would recommend some time apart to reconnect and that to fall in love again and marry.

I have no idea what to think right now. NO idea how to go about this and feel if I were to separate I am about to throw my family away frown

I hate being away from him for a night let alone for months or for ever.

Reasonswhy #3008380 05/30/19 08:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Why don’t you want to follow through with Dr. Harley’s advice?

Can you come up with a plan to separate?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3008381 05/31/19 06:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
Dr Harley is giving you the best possible advice to save your family. It may seem shocking now but you will look back on this and see how right he is.

Your problem is that you have convinced yourself that you have no alternative. Your boyfriend therefore has absolutely no incentive to change. One of the reasons why an affair can turn behaviour around is that it acts as a wake up call for both sides. Separating is your wake up.

Did he advise you to write a letter telling him that you love him but cannot continue like this?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008390 06/02/19 05:17 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi All

Been going through some real mixed emotions and spent the weekend taking in what has been said by Dr Harley.

I am still a bit blown away by it all and how its going to affect the children and I. Also if I am honest I am scared if boyfriend won't see it as a wake up call. This doesn't mean that I am not going to follow it through.

I am on the radio show with Dr Harley this week, so I can ask more questions.

On Friday my boyfriend surprised me and the children. He had purchased a family power boat so we could spend weekends away as a family on the water. On the boat he put his arm round me (his way of an olive branch) which I reciprocated. Then 30 minutes later he had another angry outburst at our son and I told him to stop and then he got angry at me. It ended up with me leaving the boat as I said I am gong to leave now as the children or I don't have to put up with angry outbursts. We spent the rest of the weekend distant and sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Reasonswhy #3008391 06/02/19 07:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Reasons I think it’s very brave of you to get the information you need and make the difficult long term decisions you and your family need. Removing yourself and your kids from an angry outburst is an awesome way to show them they are worth protecting.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Reasonswhy #3008392 06/04/19 10:35 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
It is good that you are still bringing your questions to Dr. Harley. I can remember years ago when BrainHurts asked me if I planned to follow Dr. Harley’s advice. My reply was that I didn’t think one should ask for advice unless one is willing to seriously consider it.

Dr. Harley has the unique perspective of both being highly experienced in working with cases like your’s, and of being able to see past the emotional entanglements that pervade your problem. You are dealing with a situation with no guarantees, just varying probabilities of success and failure. You get the best odds for success if you follow Dr. Harley’s advice. Mind you, that successful outcome might not look so good in the short term, but you will end up better off in the end.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 35 guests, and 58 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5