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Reasonswhy #3011927 01/16/20 02:55 PM
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Draft Schedule;

Every Tuesday after school dropped off at home by 615pm - DS & DD
Every Wednesday football training pick up at home 530pm - DS
Sat 18th Jan DS & DD from 10am - 6pm
Sat 25 Jan DS & DD Overnight pick up 10am drop off next day at 12 pm
Sat 1st Feb DS & DD from 10am - 6pm
Sat 8th Feb DS & DD Overnight pick up 10am drop off next day at 12 pm
and so on each weekend going forward.....

Conditions
Children are not exposed to OW
You let me know where they are staying overnight

They are both age 6 & 7.

The biggest problem is football training & matches. He is a coach and attends all matches frown . The matches are on a Saturday and a Sunday. The times always vary and I can't drop them both off at football and leave my daughter there too because no one is there to watch her. He will be busy focusing on the match. Although he will say someone else can watch them and I am not comfortable with that, they might not be there for instance and they will be busy watching the match not keeping an eye on our DD. we use to argue about this - you cant palm them off on other people! So regular times are an issue and also i will have to drop DS at football and after the football he will have to come to house and pick up DD.

So we might have to liaise every week through IM to set pick up times/locations for the weekend?

What do you think? Help/comments please.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/16/20 02:56 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011928 01/16/20 04:05 PM
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Are the matches every Saturday and Sunday? I would find a way to manage drop off and pick ups so you don't see him. That will wreck the objective of Plan B. He shouldn't be in the house at all.

Isnt' there a way to set up these visitations where it is the same every week regardless of the football games? For example, just let him have your son on Sat and Sun. He can pick up your DD on those evenings.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011930 01/16/20 04:18 PM
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This is really stressful doing this, but I need to get something over.

There is a match every Saturday and Sunday - always at different times but usually finish by 12. My ex is a coach so attends every game frown Which means I can't go and I love watching my DS play football).

Its just how I get to let my son play football and do handovers? SO I suggest I drop son at football and my ex picks up DD from home after the match as I cant leave her there too and no one is there to look after her...

Reasonswhy #3011931 01/16/20 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
This is really stressful doing this, but I need to get something over.

There is a match every Saturday and Sunday - always at different times but usually finish by 12. My ex is a coach so attends every game frown Which means I can't go and I love watching my DS play football).

Its just how I get to let my son play football and do handovers? SO I suggest I drop son at football and my ex picks up DD from home after the match as I cant leave her there too and no one is there to look after her...

I would take more time and get this right. If you get this wrong, you will suffer dearly. It has to be done right so that you do not see him at these child transfers. Also it needs to be very routine versus changing from week to week so you are not constantly revisiting this. It will be exhausting this way.

The plans you suggested seems fraught with direct contact, your dropping him off at football, his coming to your house to pick up your DD. How could you possibly do that without being in contact with him?

What if you drop off your son at a pick up point [your sisters?] on Saturday morning and he drops him back off on Sunday after his game? And maybe he could pick up his DD at your sisters after the game on Sunday and have them both on Sunday afternoons?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011932 01/16/20 05:19 PM
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Why should you give him the weekend while you do the tedious things like school runs?


me, DH
all the children
happyheart #3011933 01/16/20 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted by happyheart
Why should you give him the weekend while you do the tedious things like school runs?

Because their son plays football on weekends and her BF is the coach.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011936 01/17/20 11:21 AM
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I made some changes changes to the schedule and sent it over - I made some minor changes like from Sat to Sun. I have also have spoken to female friends at the football, made them aware of the situation which means I can drop off down the road near the football and they will meet me so no contact.

Schedule;

Every Tuesday after school dropped off at home by 615pm - DS & DD
Every Wednesday football training pick up at home 530pm - DS
Sat 18th Jan DS & DD from 10am - 6pm
Sat 25 Jan DS & DD Overnight pick up 10am drop off next day at 12 pm
Sun 2nd Feb DS & DD from 10am - 6pm
Sat 8th Feb DS & DD Overnight pick up 10am drop off next day at 12 pm
and so on each weekend going forward.....

Conditions
Children are not exposed to OW
You let me know where they are staying overnight

BF has now implemented an IM. His IM responded by saying that he will run it past BF and BF sister but should be ok. Hilarious because there are lots of I in the texts and then reverts to BF so clearly written by BF and not IM. BF also confirmed that he has taken out a rental on a 3 bed property and that is where they will be staying overnight on the 25th Jan and he can forward the address if we like. He also put in his response (copying my mum, his sister and his IM) there is no OW and there never has been and it is was a moment of madness and Reasons knows this. He also informed that he is currently staying with IM.

I am feeling relieved that he has agreed to this schedule it gives me peace of mind. I am also relieved he is getting a place which is better for the children. I cant help worrying about them and how they will feel about his new house. I had a lot of hard questions from this morning - My DD asked why Daddy didnt love Mummy anymore? My son was asking lots of questions about the OW and I told DS that I didnt know anything and that was for Daddy to answer.

I know its the right thing and that we both really needed to get away from each other. Me from his anger and renter attitude and he needed to get away from me because of everything! He has been so lining everything up to leave. Such mixed signals though. He was on about moving to this area before and even wanted me to book an appointment for all of us to go and look at a family luxury house in that area 3 weeks before Christmas. Now he is moving to that area on his own. when we were away at Christmas he booked for us to go to France in the Summer and asked me if I wanted to ask my Mum along? He literally has been sending me daily emails, texts and calls. He kept trying to have SF with me all the time. He also started a big new building project in the garden a week ago - he said the kids can use that room when they are teenagers? Please explain this to me? such mixed signals.

Oh well.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/17/20 11:33 AM.
Reasonswhy #3011937 01/17/20 11:22 AM
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I know I am not supposed to get all the stuff on the text - I have told my sister as IM. I will tell her again. PS. Friday night was our favourite night together, he always use to come home together with drinks and treats frown

Reasonswhy #3011938 01/17/20 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I
BF has now implemented an IM. His IM responded by saying that he will run it past BF and BF sister but should be ok. Hilarious because there are lots of I in the texts and then reverts to BF so clearly written by BF and not IM. BF also confirmed that he has taken out a rental on a 3 bed property and that is where they will be staying overnight on the 25th Jan and he can forward the address if we like. He also put in his response (copying my mum, his sister and his IM) there is no OW and there never has been and it is was a moment of madness and Reasons knows this. He also informed that he is currently staying with IM.

RW, please ask your sister to not tell you any of this! The only messages you should get would be about critical issues pertaining to your children or finances IN HER WORDS.

What have you done to ensure you don't see him at drop offs and pick ups? What about keeping him out of your house?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011939 01/17/20 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
He literally has been sending me daily emails, texts and calls.

I am confused. He is ABLE to send you messages NOW? If that is so, then you should stop that immediately. It is up to you to block every avenue of direct contact. Plan B means that NO communication gets through to you.

I am getting very concerned at the huge gaps in your Plan B, RW. He can't be expected to take this seriously if you don't. Change your email address. Change your cell phone #. Unplug your answering machine. Close these gaps! You will NEVER experience the benefits of Plan B with these gaping holes.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #3011940 01/17/20 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
He literally has been sending me daily emails, texts and calls.

I am confused. He is ABLE to send you messages NOW? If that is so, then you should stop that immediately. It is up to you to block every avenue of direct contact. Plan B means that NO communication gets through to you.

I am getting very concerned at the huge gaps in your Plan B, RW. He can't be expected to take this seriously if you don't. Change your email address. Change your cell phone #. Unplug your answering machine. Close these gaps! You will NEVER experience the benefits of Plan B with these gaping holes.

Hi MelodyLane

I was referring about his levels of contact with me before Sunday - for someone who wanted to leave and was with OW he was texting, emailing and calling me daily. I am confused as to how someone can be so full on with you booking holidays, talking about when the kids grow up and making them a den but at the same time intending to leave?

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/17/20 01:20 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011941 01/17/20 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
He literally has been sending me daily emails, texts and calls.

I am confused. He is ABLE to send you messages NOW? If that is so, then you should stop that immediately. It is up to you to block every avenue of direct contact. Plan B means that NO communication gets through to you.

I am getting very concerned at the huge gaps in your Plan B, RW. He can't be expected to take this seriously if you don't. Change your email address. Change your cell phone #. Unplug your answering machine. Close these gaps! You will NEVER experience the benefits of Plan B with these gaping holes.

Hi MelodyLane

I was referring about his levels of contact with me before Sunday - for someone who wanted to leave and was with OW he was texting, emailing and calling me daily. I am confused as to how someone can be so full on with you booking holidays, talking about when the kids grow up and making them a den but at the same time intending to leave?

Do you have all avenues of communication effectively blocked now? The reason he can talk like that is his intention was to keep you on the farm and under his control.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011942 01/17/20 01:45 PM
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If you look at his actions you can see that everything is about maintaining control of you. He doesn't like not being able to contact you directly. When you stood firm, he tried another ploy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #3011943 01/17/20 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
If you look at his actions you can see that everything is about maintaining control of you. He doesn't like not being able to contact you directly. When you stood firm, he tried another ploy.

Makes a lot of sense now - that whole thing has been really confusing. I honestly can't tell you how awful its been. Looking back every interaction with another man was considered flirting, he tried to make me give up my job, he hated me 'dressing up' too much for the office, he would go hot and cold on me all the time, demanded SF and I constantly felt like I was trying to prove my worth to him. What was really messed up though was I let him and also began to look for these controlling signs to prove he did still really love me. Thats terrible.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/17/20 03:21 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011944 01/17/20 03:26 PM
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All avenues of communication blocked down. I have not had one moment of contact with him since last Sunday and enjoying every minute. He is picking up the kids in the morning from the house. I dont need to see him then either. Hope my little ones are ok.

Thank you all xx

Reasonswhy #3011945 01/17/20 03:33 PM
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That's the result of MB, your eyes are opening. The marriage builders plan is set up in a way to avoid personal damage and optimize your chances of recovery. Recovery doesn't necessarily mean recovery of the relationship/marriage, but personal recovery and knowing what your standards are/should be.
The program is slimmed down to the bare necessities and all shortcuts have been eliminated already. So be careful not to take any shortcut, it will seriously impact the effectiveness of the plan.

Hang in there!

Reasonswhy #3011948 01/18/20 04:24 AM
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Thanks Goody2shoes

I don't car what anyone says this is HORRIFIC. He came to the house today to pick up the children. He stayed at the end of the drive. I went straight out to the garden and had a cry, it was so beautiful out there sunny and frosty.. This is the most awful thing imaginable. Not to be a family.

I am sleeping pretty well considering and woke up this morning, fell back asleep and had this really weird sensation.. I had a dream of him coming into the house to taunt me and take some more stuff and i had this weird shivering almost coming off drugs sensation, like something was coming out of me. Weird. Like I was detoxing his abuse or something. The started to wonder how long that would take? I literally put up with it because I could not even imagine situations like today.

I really cant imagine what it is going to be like when he takes them away on holiday.

I actually needed a break from the children, it is harder being with them almost at the moment with all the questions and feeling so bad for them. It almost makes it worse looking at their little faces.

They have not actually asked for their Daddy all week. He has not seen them since Tuesday evening and he must be in bits. They were so excited when he turned up.

Today I will do some housework then go and see a friend.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/18/20 04:26 AM.
Reasonswhy #3011950 01/18/20 07:16 AM
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forgot to defriend him on facebook - at about 1am this morning he liked a load of photos on my facebook page. Probably drunk.

I have shut down instagram and defriend him on fb, my privacy settings are quite tight.

Reasonswhy #3011954 01/18/20 02:37 PM
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I cannot believe the range of emotions this takes you through. I am not even thinking about the affair/OW hardly at all. All I can think of is how he has abused and treated me for at least 18 months. I actually want him to get this house. I have finally after not seeing him or speaking to him in only 6 days 'come to my senses'.

He dropped the kids off tonight at 6pm. He waited at the bottom of the drive. I saw his back and it made me shudder. How awful it has been. I could feel his anger towards me even then. He was always so so angry with me. The hot and cold, it has been terrible. It was like;

The constant thinking - is he going to want to be with me tonight? I hope he is drinking because then he will want to spend time with me, but then I hope not because the mood will follow.
The constant walking on eggshells, will he be angry with me if I haven't cooked dinner?
Will he be annoyed with me if I want to put the kids to bed early?
Will he be moody if I don't want to go to the party?
Why is he sleeping in the spare room? What have I done wrong?
Being annoyed with me for coming to bed too late.
Trying to figure out what I have done to annoy him today?
Scared to speak to another man in front of him incase what he will do to me and what he will do to them.
Comments on things I am wearing that he doesn't like.
Not showing any nod of appreciated for dinner/birthday & christmas presents/date nights i've arranged.
Putting me down in front of friends and family
Telling me I have OCD because I clean too much
Being afraid to go to him for any big decisions incase it made him angry

I am not sure what made him turn. Something did. I think either it was in his nature or he was generally fell out of love with me and I annoyed the h*ll out of him. He is a bully and of all people lives to give it the big I am as someone with strong moral code and family man. He always told me how much he hated bullies. He is the biggest bully I have ever met.

At least the kids had a good time today. They came home rosy cheeked and happy. DS told me that Daddy did not have another woman mummy - he took his friend out for coffee that was all.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/18/20 02:40 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011955 01/19/20 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I cannot believe the range of emotions this takes you through. I am not even thinking about the affair/OW hardly at all. All I can think of is how he has abused and treated me for at least 18 months. I actually want him to get this house. I have finally after not seeing him or speaking to him in only 6 days 'come to my senses'.

With each passing day you will feel better. You are slowly coming out from under his shadow. Just don't make a decision yet about who gets the house. For now just concentrate on protecting yourself financially so that you have options. Your emotional state is too fragile. Give it time. The right solution will suddenly come to you - probably at 3am or in the shower.

Doing great so far!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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