Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Reasonswhy #3011956 01/19/20 11:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
Which IM are you using his or yours? It’s very important to do self-care while you’re in Plan B. Do you have anything planned for yourself?

Please refresh my memory. Did you give him a Plan B letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3011957 01/19/20 11:34 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Thank you Living Well. I always remember what you told me in the beginning -

"Be strong Reasons, you are doing this for your children. It is incredibly important that they see you do this and that you tell them the truth about why".

Thats kept me strong.

Do you think that he will want to change? Have you had any success stories in this situation? I cant help wander how he must be feeling.

BrainHurts #3011958 01/19/20 11:45 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Which IM are you using his or yours? It’s very important to do self-care while you’re in Plan B. Do you have anything planned for yourself?

Please refresh my memory. Did you give him a Plan B letter?


Hi BrainHurts

We are using my IM - he refused to do that initially but now that seems to be working fine. He has also been respectful dropping kids at the end of the drive ect...

No I have nothing planned yet. Its all feeling quite raw so I am spending most of my time with close members of my family. I did get out and see a couple of friends today. I haven't been and got anti-depressants yet, I was going to give it a week and see how I feel.

I haven't given him a Plan B letter - I haven't felt like doing that at all. I have had too much humiliation as far as he is concerned. Plan A for nearly for a year A. If he attempts contact or 'wants to talk' then maybe I will consider it then.

When the kids came back yesterday, they mentioned certain things. Like about OW and that he took her for coffee that was all and Daddy was living with Uncle.

Thank you, Reasons.

Reasonswhy #3011959 01/19/20 05:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
[. If he attempts contact or 'wants to talk' then maybe I will consider it then..


RW, that would be a terrible idea. Most waywards will "want to talk" when they see that you are serious about Plan B. It doesn't mean anything other than they don't like losing control of you. What Plan B specifies is sending a Plan B letter with your conditions. You shouldn't agree to even speak to him unless and until he meets all those conditions. Otherwise he is wasting your time and wrecking your emotions.

I will post a template you can use. In your case I would add the conditions Dr Harley told you to follow and that is a) anger management training, b) sobriety and c) eventually marriage in order to reconcile. If he won't meet those conditions you are better off without him. I would write your letter and post it here so we can give you feedback. Here is a template.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011961 01/20/20 08:04 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I had my first full nights sleep last night and feeling so much better and calmer. Each day dawns on me how awful its been and how the OW was really the push to do what I should have done ages ago.

Even thought more sensibly about a long term visitation schedule and what it would like.

I feel this is also about protecting my children from him - so I now thinking he could have them every other weekend Friday after school until Sunday 4pm? Also one night after school job done?

Still off food and lost a little weight but making myself eat 3 meals a day as I sleep better.

What do I tell my friends? I expose the affair to his friends but none of mine.

I am unsure whether he has rented the house as he told to my IM. He told the children that he will be living with their Uncle for the moment and made no mention of a new house to them. My DS said that he thinks Daddy wants to talk to you and come home. Bless him, this is horrible for them.

Thank you all for your support

Reasons.

Reasonswhy #3011965 01/20/20 12:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
You need to expose to your friends as well. It always helps to have more support.

Did you see MelodyLane’s post about the Plan B letter? Did you write one yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3011966 01/20/20 02:32 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Reasonswhy


Even thought more sensibly about a long term visitation schedule and what it would like.

I feel this is also about protecting my children from him - so I now thinking he could have them every other weekend Friday after school until Sunday 4pm? Also one night after school job done?


Also keep this in mind: you have to do this in a way that you don't see or speak to him. How would you handle your weekends when he has football? Could he pick your son up? Can you do the tradeoffs with no contact? That will be essential.

Quote
What do I tell my friends? I expose the affair to his friends but none of mine.


Tell them everything and ask for their support.

Quote
I am unsure whether he has rented the house as he told to my IM. He told the children that he will be living with their Uncle for the moment and made no mention of a new house to them. My DS said that he thinks Daddy wants to talk to you and come home. Bless him, this is horrible for them.


Coach your son to not bring you messages like that. Tell him if daddy says things like that, he is not allowed to pass on the message. The message has to go through your sister.

"dad, mom said I am not supposed to give her messages. Those messages need to go through Aunt XXX." And then if your son starts to tell you something like that again, wave your hand and remind him you don't want to hear it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011967 01/20/20 02:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Did you see my post about the Plan B letter?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Reasonswhy #3011968 01/20/20 02:53 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I am not doing very well this evening - after good start to the day for some reason I broke down in front of the kids. The tears actually flowed. I am so hurt by what he has done to us all, and I am mortified I did this in front of them.

My son who is 7 said I have never seen you cry are you ok Mummy and my daughter who is just an angel said mummy can I give you a hug. I told them I had a really bad headache and I am sorry I got upset. I am mortified they may tell Daddy. I am also being really bad in Plan B because this morning I asked the children questions about the visit with Daddy. I am even more mortified. I know I shouldn't do this.

Thank you for the post on Plan B Melody Lane. I actually can't think of anything worse than a Plan B letter - I just cant bring myself to do it. There is just too much humiliation involved. I have spent 2 years trying to make the situation to be something half decent and I just can't do it. Not yet. I cant see any future with him at the moment, I cant even bare to look at him when he drops the kids off.

I just don't feel like I am going to be able to hold it together. I am bouncing all over the place. its over and I just can't seem to be accept it, and I these children are going to be destroyed too. Particularly my son.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/20/20 03:15 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011969 01/20/20 03:42 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I still actually cant' believe this is happening to me and i just want it all to be over. Its a horrific nightmare. All i ever wanted in life was as a family and a home, and I am losing both. So out of my control I did everythin to try and make it ok, I thought we would be together forever. He doesn't even love me, was never in love with me, he just went along with it all so he could be near the children. The pain, humiliation and rejection is awful.

This is a man who has only even stayed away from his kids for a max of 2 nights. I can't believe he hasn't tried to fix the situation, that he has just said ok fine see you. Its public humiliation again and again.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/20/20 03:51 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011970 01/20/20 03:53 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I have deactivated facebook, I feel like I want to go in a protective bubble rather than face whats out there - the reality of the situation and people asking and knowing. I dont want to risk seeing something thats going to cause me pain. I haven't even faced the worse of it yet, like when he takes the kids out with our friends or gives them the most amazing bedroom in his new house. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide.

Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/20/20 03:57 PM.
Reasonswhy #3011971 01/20/20 04:39 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Climb the hill, write the plan B letter and stand your ground. After only one week in an air tight plan B, you will feel so much better. Remember the marriage builders plan is designed to give you maximum chances of succes while costing minimum pain. The sooner you plug all the holes in NC, the sooner you will recover.

This quote hit me today.
Problems should easily be solved within 6 months. If the problems persists, it is not your problem, but somebody else's solution.

goody2shoes #3011972 01/20/20 04:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Please consider getting a prescription for anti-anxiety/anti-depression for a few months. They will help you keep your negative emotions in check and ultimately may help you make better decisions than without them. It's a short-term remedy, not for life. You might feel as though you can push forward on your own without meds just fine, but now that your emotions are (understandably) volatile, meds may help you get some relief.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Reasonswhy #3011973 01/20/20 05:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
Please listen to the advice on the Plan B letter. Post it here for feedback.

Also please look into anti-depressants/anti-anxiety as LongWayFromHome recommended. It would just be temporary to help you get through this tough time.

Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I cant see any future with him at the moment, I cant even bare to look at him when he drops the kids off.

Are you saying you’re seeing him at drop offs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3011984 01/22/20 05:28 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Hi MB

9 years today I met him - happy anniversary to me.

booked appt with Docs - never had to take meds before - quite scared about that - I am bit of a deal with it through natural therapy person.

Had a 24 hour breakdown ON Monday til about lunchtime yesterday. I was suppose to be going to london for a customer meeting and it was really stressing me out. 1 the affair was carried out in london and 2 i am not good in stressful customer situations at the moment. I cried my eyes out and there is a god after all as the trains were cancelled on the way to london so didnt go. I have cleared my diary for the next couple of weeks so I havent got any stressful meetings to deal with.

BF dropped kids at bottom of drive last night and they get out of car and walked to the house so I am not even seeing him. They went out with him last night. I was really good and didnt ask any questions to find out what they did, then kissed son goodnight in bed and then he said 'mummy daddy told us that he did take out another girl and that he is not getting another house he is staying with uncle for now'. I got some relief from that I am sorry to say. A pain went away in my heart. He obviously said it over text to get me to capitulate? Only he would have an affair and then make threats - weird. DS also said that DD told Daddy you had a bad tummy and were upset and Daddy said to tell Mummy that I hope she is ok and feeling better.

DS is proving hard work, he is crying lots and having tantrums. They way he speaks to me is awful and I am having to set some boundaries with him. This morning I took his ipad off him because he was acting up, he told me he hated me and that he wants to live with Daddy. I ignored it. Now its really about the children and what it is doing to them. DS also got in trouble with the teacher yesterday aswell which is unusual.

Still dont want to do a Plan B letter, I will give him one but only if he attempts to make contact.

Thanks for all your help and posts.



Last edited by Reasonswhy; 01/22/20 05:31 AM.
Reasonswhy #3011985 01/22/20 06:03 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I honestly don't think BF wants it to end, I think he is waiting for me to either calm down or capitulate so he can return home. The problem here is far deeper than just the affair. I think I need to email DR Harley to know how to deal with that part. He did say once you separate then to get back in touch and he will guide me through.

Reasonswhy #3011987 01/22/20 06:50 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Read buyers, renters and freeloaders.

In chapter 7 'no such thing as a free lunch' it talks about Greg and Sue and that is basically BF and I down to a tee.

That Greg was the center of Sues life and warning signs happened like Greg being jealous of her friends at the start, and when Sue became a stay at home mum Greg became very critical of her, for example that she wasn't attractive enough or didn't have SF enough and would fly into a rage, or other methods of control like moods and coldness. That Sue became very anxious and depressed so decided to go back to work to regain financial control and that she no longer had to cater to Gregs demands because she had some more independance. How Greg didnt like her new independance and he became more demanding, disrespectful and angry.

I cannot believe how similar it is.

Reasonswhy #3011991 01/22/20 07:44 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
I am kidding myself aren't i? What an idiot. I need to move on.

Reasonswhy #3011992 01/22/20 08:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
If you're going through hell, keep going!

goody2shoes #3011993 01/22/20 08:58 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
If you're going through hell, keep going!

smile
for some reason this made me chuckle - you have a sick mind Goody2shoes smile

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (kenmw), 33 guests, and 47 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,692
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5