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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Thanks for sharing the letter. Have you sent it to him yet?

What do you think about Dr. Harley’s advice? The letter?


Thank you BrainHurts

Yes I agree with Dr Harleys advice and will stick to the plan.

I haven't sent the letter and I don't want to give it to him until he attempts to try and talk about anything. At the moment its been 2.5 weeks and he hasn't made any attempts. I dont want the humiliation of sending him anything yet.

My son came home from football last night saying - Daddy keeps talking about how much he loves you and how much he loves his family frown


Coolbeginnings, you really should send the letter. What could possibly be humiliating since you are not in contact with him? It is up to you to make sure he can't get through by closing those holes.

I have also recommended many times that you get legal protection. Not doing so leaves you in a very vulnerable position. Just send the letter!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Without sending the letter you are in limbo. When you send it, you lay out the rules and what your boundaries are. It is not like you are begging him to take you back.

I agree. Send him the letter.

Also, him trying to send messages through your son about "loving you" and "missing his family" is his way of trying to break Plan B. With the letter it states exactly what you expect.


Did you tell your son to stop giving you these messages as I suggested above?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Disaster strikes.

Came home from work in a good mood looking forward to spending time with the kids tonight and them for day off school tomorrow.

Get message from my IM from BF requesting regular phone calls with the kids every other day. Also saying that he is not seeing DD until Sunday and that could he take them home from skool tomorrow'. It was a really long message.

My IM is proving rubbish. She clearly doesnt want to do it and thinks I should be dealing with him. She sends me a cut and paste of whatever he sends. Also whatever comes through to my sister IM, goes round the family - further embarassment/gossip fodder.

Now considering dealing direct with BF in regards to child arrangements.

My mother also phoned tonight annoyed with me that she wasn't informed the kids were off skool tomorrow and that I am not keeping her in the loop? I spoke to her 2 days ago and feel that she was out of order putting extra pressure on me right now, its like my family are making this into a massive drama and i am actually doing ok in my little bubble.

The broke down in tears hating BF for putting me through this. One thing that has always been important to me is loyalty and security as I never really have had that in my life and he broke that too. Feel like I never want someone like that back in my life.

Night peeps frown

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Without sending the letter you are in limbo. When you send it, you lay out the rules and what your boundaries are. It is not like you are begging him to take you back.

I agree. Send him the letter.

Also, him trying to send messages through your son about "loving you" and "missing his family" is his way of trying to break Plan B. With the letter it states exactly what you expect.


Did you tell your son to stop giving you these messages as I suggested above?


Yes but I quite enjoy hearing them if I am completely honest. I was feeling quite strong aswell. Do you think he is trying to break the PLan B? In your experience is this a good sign?

Thanks for coming back and posting on my thread Melody.

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Sorry guys i am really trying to go Plan B DARK. Its having the right support around me to do this.

He is contacting me indirectly through every avenue - am i imagining things or is this his way of keeping me on the farm as Melody once said?

For the first time ever nearly abandoned Plan B tonight and text him direct frown

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Disaster strikes.

Came home from work in a good mood looking forward to spending time with the kids tonight and them for day off school tomorrow.

Get message from my IM from BF requesting regular phone calls with the kids every other day. Also saying that he is not seeing DD until Sunday and that could he take them home from skool tomorrow'. It was a really long message.

My IM is proving rubbish. She clearly doesnt want to do it and thinks I should be dealing with him. She sends me a cut and paste of whatever he sends. Also whatever comes through to my sister IM, goes round the family - further embarassment/gossip fodder.

Now considering dealing direct with BF in regards to child arrangements.

My mother also phoned tonight annoyed with me that she wasn't informed the kids were off skool tomorrow and that I am not keeping her in the loop? I spoke to her 2 days ago and feel that she was out of order putting extra pressure on me right now, its like my family are making this into a massive drama and i am actually doing ok in my little bubble.

The broke down in tears hating BF for putting me through this. One thing that has always been important to me is loyalty and security as I never really have had that in my life and he broke that too. Feel like I never want someone like that back in my life.

Night peeps frown


Is there another person who can be your IM? A person who RESPECTS YOUR WISHES and would protect you from this nonsense? The job is really very simple. All the IM has to do is screen out insignificant communication and pass on pertinent messages in her own words. I think you need to cut your family out of this because clearly, THEY DON'T GET IT!

Do you have a friend, male or female, who has some balls?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
[

Yes but I quite enjoy hearing them if I am completely honest. I was feeling quite strong aswell. Do you think he is trying to break the PLan B? In your experience is this a good sign?






It is a very bad sign when you are not taking this as seriously as you should. It is critically important that you put aside your emotions and follow the advice.

The advice is:

1. find a suitable IM ASAP [you can give her my email address and i will help her/him]

2. send the Plan B letter

3. shut down ALL avenues of contact

4. get legal protection


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings


He is contacting me indirectly through every avenue - am i imagining things or is this his way of keeping me on the farm as Melody once said?

frown


I want to emphasize that it is your job to make sure he doesn't get through. If your family gives you a message from him, cut them off. Tell them they are to never do that. The same with your son.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi Melody Lane

Yes I have a BFF who would be great and has also offered to do it.

She will follow all the instructions.

Will get her to take over.

This whole thing is awful and if he offered to come back now as he was before I would probably say yes

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings


He is contacting me indirectly through every avenue - am i imagining things or is this his way of keeping me on the farm as Melody once said?

frown


I want to emphasize that it is your job to make sure he doesn't get through. If your family gives you a message from him, cut them off. Tell them they are to never do that. The same with your son.


OK thank you. I guess I am still worried about upsetting BF and trying to keep the peace.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

My IM is proving rubbish. She clearly doesnt want to do it and thinks I should be dealing with him. She sends me a cut and paste of whatever he sends. (


This was one of my biggest problems when I was separated from my husband. I was so passionate about it that I even considered starting an "intermediary business" just so I could help others in this same situation.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi Melody Lane

Yes I have a BFF who would be great and has also offered to do it.

She will follow all the instructions.

Will get her to take over.

This whole thing is awful and if he offered to come back now as he was before I would probably say yes


Well, I would decide now if you are just going to take him back unconditionally. If so, there is no need to go forward.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by AHersheyKiss
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

My IM is proving rubbish. She clearly doesnt want to do it and thinks I should be dealing with him. She sends me a cut and paste of whatever he sends. (


This was one of my biggest problems when I was separated from my husband. I was so passionate about it that I even considered starting an "intermediary business" just so I could help others in this same situation.


It really can be difficult to find a good person! But when you find the right person, everything goes so smoothly.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi Melody Lane

Yes I have a BFF who would be great and has also offered to do it.

She will follow all the instructions.

Will get her to take over.

This whole thing is awful and if he offered to come back now as he was before I would probably say yes


Well, I would decide now if you are just going to take him back unconditionally. If so, there is no need to go forward.


No I am not taking him back unconditionally. Terrible dreams last night living with him but being split up - horrendous. Yesterday took me right back to where we started on D Day.

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I think the honest truth is he has no intention of breaking Plan B. That he has accepted that its over and moving on and I am sat here wallowing waiting for something to happen.

I am devastated.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/31/20 03:15 AM.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
[

Yes but I quite enjoy hearing them if I am completely honest. I was feeling quite strong aswell. Do you think he is trying to break the PLan B? In your experience is this a good sign?






It is a very bad sign when you are not taking this as seriously as you should. It is critically important that you put aside your emotions and follow the advice.

The advice is:

1. find a suitable IM ASAP [you can give her my email address and i will help her/him]

2. send the Plan B letter

3. shut down ALL avenues of contact

4. get legal protection


OK I am back in the room! I think I am suffering with PMT which is making 'my senses' go a little off track!

I think BF attempts at contact different ways have worked and got to me....

Ok here is the action plan

1. My BFF has agreed to act as IM so yes that would be great Melody if she can converse with you, I will also send the list / guidance for IMs

2. Plan B letter written will give to him on Sunday at handover

3. Shut down all avenues of contact

4. Arrange to see lawyer next week.

ADDED ONE 5 - long term kids visit schedule minimising contact.

Back in control.

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re the kids visit schedule how long should I do it for?

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Hey,

I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but I found this:

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/parenting-intermediary

It's supposed to let parents schedule their time with kids in a hands off way.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi Melody Lane

Yes I have a BFF who would be great and has also offered to do it.

She will follow all the instructions.

Will get her to take over.

This whole thing is awful and if he offered to come back now as he was before I would probably say yes


Well, I would decide now if you are just going to take him back unconditionally. If so, there is no need to go forward.


No I am not taking him back unconditionally. Terrible dreams last night living with him but being split up - horrendous. Yesterday took me right back to where we started on D Day.



That is what all this contact does. Plan B protects you from that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
[

Yes but I quite enjoy hearing them if I am completely honest. I was feeling quite strong aswell. Do you think he is trying to break the PLan B? In your experience is this a good sign?






It is a very bad sign when you are not taking this as seriously as you should. It is critically important that you put aside your emotions and follow the advice.

The advice is:

1. find a suitable IM ASAP [you can give her my email address and i will help her/him]

2. send the Plan B letter

3. shut down ALL avenues of contact

4. get legal protection


OK I am back in the room! I think I am suffering with PMT which is making 'my senses' go a little off track!

I think BF attempts at contact different ways have worked and got to me....

Ok here is the action plan

1. My BFF has agreed to act as IM so yes that would be great Melody if she can converse with you, I will also send the list / guidance for IMs

2. Plan B letter written will give to him on Sunday at handover

3. Shut down all avenues of contact

4. Arrange to see lawyer next week.

ADDED ONE 5 - long term kids visit schedule minimising contact.

Back in control.




Good girl! How will you give him the letter so there is no direct contact?

Does your IM understand that the job is only to be a spam filter? Some IM's get confused about their roles and try to play mediator like your sister did. **EDIT**. Please let me know when you have read this so I can remove it.



Last edited by Denali; 01/31/20 11:05 AM. Reason: removed at OP request

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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