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So that’s what the Plan B does, keeps you from growing to hate him. If you go to an open AA meeting you will see these folks can hit their bottom and get help at any time or may take many years. Meanwhile if you have a strong Plan B you will have moved on to a better place. Dr. H typically recommends moms with certain age kids not to remarry anyway until the kids are older so if you fall into that age range, if it’s meant to be for you and BF he’ll get his help and get solid. And if not you’ll have plenty of time to get yourself solid and find a great partner when your kids are older.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Thanks New.

I have been doing so well and so strong and not sure why but I have found myself really dipping this week. Obsessing what he is doing and what he is up to and how I am going to cope when he meets someone else.

Annoyed at myself.

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Have you considered Al-Anon meetings online for now when you have a week like this? It helped me to get my own sponsor and plan of action. I was used to settling for scraps and making do with little and it was great to build and focus on friendships that didn’t require that. My friends I made then are still my walking buddies now.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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It’s only human, to mourn the loss of what could have been - if - he had made better choices.


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But his selfishness prevailed. You know in your heart, that even with a new partner, he would revert to me me me business as usual in a matter of months...


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But his selfishness prevailed. You know in your heart, that even with a new partner, he would revert to me me me business as usual in a matter of months...
He is no prize in his present state and he will in all probability never be.
If you had had a future-telling mirror, would you have considered having a relationship with this man, knowing how he would behave?


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Originally Posted by happyheart
But his selfishness prevailed. You know in your heart, that even with a new partner, he would revert to me me me business as usual in a matter of months...
He is no prize in his present state and he will in all probability never be.
If you had had a future-telling mirror, would you have considered having a relationship with this man, knowing how he would behave?


Thanks Happy Heart - my goodness if I know what I know now I would have run for the hills. He was good with me for many years. I think his downfall was many things stress, narcissistic tendencies, control, alchohol and drugs. I know that he is no catch in his present state, I have even thought if he has a new partner then it would be someone else to watch over the children when they are with him.

My DS did not want to go again this weekend. I managed to persuade him today after him crying to go for one night. I have just dropped him off and he still didn’t want to go. He said Daddy is mean to me. I drove round the corner and pulled up and cried.

This week via IM contacted me as there is an unpaid bill and xBF asked for £500 from joint account. He is doing it to prod. I responded no I am going to need that money to set myself up. When he picked up DD yesterday he made her ring the door ball again and asked about getting a sledge out the garage. I told DD no.

Feeling very traumatised at the moment, and annoyed at myself for pining for him.

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Feeling livid.

So this weekend whilst kids are at BFs house I have been redecorating DS rooms including a little ‘gaming area’ for him. He has been super excited about it and obviously told Dad.

So I Call DD whilst at Dads house to find out that Dad has surprised DS with a gaming area in his spare room...coincidence or trying to rain on my parade? Then I find out he has planned a socially distanced walk with MY friends tomorrow afternoon. Albeit not best friends but close enough. Nice. I cried with frustration.

I wish hadn’t called her.

Want to get to a point where nothing he does affects me.

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There are so many things since we split of him doing all the stuff that I asked him to do when we were together. Twisted.

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Excruciating weekend. I had planned to do up sons weekend and was actually fine with them going as homeschooling and working needed the break. DS refused to go which is traumatic watching your children have to deal with that, and he left a video on my phone saying please get back together with Daddy Mummy.

XBF is doing everything in his power to punish me. Completely invisible to everyone else. I am proud I did NOTHING to react. Excruciating that he organised a walk with my friends and their children. The kind of thing I wanted to do when we were together and he denied me. I am coming to the realisation that anything I asked for when we were together he didn’t want to do and now flaunts it in my face,

He seems to be going all out with doing so many things I wanted him to do when we were together and when I tell people I must sound like a crazy person.

I have also had a request from the IM to do mediation which I have refused.

I am trying to laugh at his childish behaviour but I only see it as vindictive and cruel.

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I roughly no my rights regards to house and assets.

I got legal advice before, and he can’t kick me out of the house. If I start this process off I am going to be worse off financially. He pays for everything at the moment, the mortgage, the bills and the car.

I get paid an amount for house keeping and I get a salary from my job. I can always increase the hours I work in order to pay the bills.

I was thinking of contacting him via IM proposing an agreement for custody, bills and period to stay in house. The reality is I would like the children to be settled here for a couple of years whilst they get use to things. The mortgage is huge so although I could contribute I won’t be able to afford it.

Scared.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings

I was thinking of contacting him via IM proposing an agreement for custody, bills and period to stay in house. The reality is I would like the children to be settled here for a couple of years whilst they get use to things. The mortgage is huge so although I could contribute I won’t be able to afford it.

Scared.



You need to take the initiative so that the unknown becomes the known. Then you will no longer be scared.

Do not negotiate through the IM, that is not what IMs are for. If you go the mediation route, it needs to be face to face. First get legal advice and a full list of your requirements. Always ask for a bit more than you are prepared to settle for so that he feels he has won. If the house is too expensive for you on your own, it will have to go. If you want a two year window, ask for it. Start to make a plan so that after lockdown you are ready.


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Thanks LV.

So I go to the postbox and get the mail, in it is a note saying I’m so so sorry.

I have no idea who it is from. Really bizarre.

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Wow that was a really tough few days. Back in the room.

I think BF is really starting to panic / suffer. He has made numerous daily attempts to needle me. I have been strong so far.

Last night got message from IM who didn’t filter very well and said that BF needs passport as he he needs it for an operation and it’s very urgent. Obviously I am worried and concerned but also believe he is still trying to get a reaction.

It was about this time last year I buckled. Not this time. Maybe this time he is starting to realise I am serious Living Well?

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Wow that was a really tough few days. Back in the room.

I think BF is really starting to panic / suffer. He has made numerous daily attempts to needle me. I have been strong so far.


Suffering and panic are a necessary part of his journey to get help. Nothing you can do except stay strong. He needs to feel he has no alternative. You are potentially saving the life of the father of your children.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Last night got message from IM who didn’t filter very well and said that BF needs passport as he he needs it for an operation and it’s very urgent. Obviously I am worried and concerned but also believe he is still trying to get a reaction.


Yes, ask IM to eliminate stuff like 'needs it for an operation'.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
It was about this time last year I buckled. Not this time. Maybe this time he is starting to realise I am serious Living Well?


Yes, he is still testing you.


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Thanks Living Well.

So today I get message from DS on his ipod saying - Mum can I please stay longer at Dads house pretty please.

I responded - Hi Darling its great news that you want to stay at Dads house, however I have made plans so would like to stick to the schedule please. From now on no more messing Dad round saying you don't want to go. See you at 330pm.

I am really keen this time that a regular schedule is stuck too. Last time I think I was too flexible on changing it, whereas this time for the childrens sake its important we have set timings. Also, I don't want DS or BF to think that they can change the schedule as they see fit. I know BF if you give him an inch he will take a mile.

I think BF is also (quite rightly) annoyed because DS has not wanted to go to his house, and DS dropped in conversation on Monday that Dad is not happy about the timings and wants to change them (threat to be passed onto me). I think this threat was because DS has not wanted to go.

I have found a really good female solicitor, one of the top in family law in the area. I had an initial chat with her yesterday but she feels from what I have outlined to her BF would be highly unlikely to get more custody. I have been very open with her about concerns around drugs, anger and alchohol too. I also explained that BF on paper is the pillar of society (football coach/school governor/charity fund raiser/owner of large company), she said she is very use to dealing with the kind of characters and that more often it is usually these types of people who use this as a cover for poor behaviour elsewhere. She sounds right up my street! She said that she thinks I just need a bit of reassurance and be ready to press the button if required.

I am also a bit concerned about BFs angry outbursts around the children. DS told me that on Saturday when he arrived at BFs house, BF got very angry with him and dragged him up the stairs and pushed him into the room he had done up for him. Shouting at him saying look at what I have done for you, why didnt you want to come and stay? DS told me that he banged his head against wall and DD said that BF pushed him on the bed. Also in the week, he drove to BF office with kids in the car and started shouting at some individuals very aggressively. So while in many ways it is good BF is panicking it also means his angry outbursts are increasing. Will see what the solicitor says.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings


I am also a bit concerned about BFs angry outbursts around the children. DS told me that on Saturday when he arrived at BFs house, BF got very angry with him and dragged him up the stairs and pushed him into the room he had done up for him. Shouting at him saying look at what I have done for you, why didnt you want to come and stay? DS told me that he banged his head against wall and DD said that BF pushed him on the bed. Also in the week, he drove to BF office with kids in the car and started shouting at some individuals very aggressively. So while in many ways it is good BF is panicking it also means his angry outbursts are increasing. Will see what the solicitor says.



Well done finding the right solicitor.

I share your concern about the angry outbursts. My husband has lifelong anxiety as a result of his father's angry outbursts (he was bipolar). DS needs to know that these outbursts are not his fault. Tell him the truth about what causes them. Also give him coping mechanisms such as leaving the room when his father looks as if he is about to lose it.


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BF banged DS head against the wall? That and being pushed sounds like should be addressed. Where I live you can ask for emergency hearing


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
BF banged DS head against the wall? That and being pushed sounds like should be addressed. Where I live you can ask for emergency hearing


I read that as BF banged his head against the wall. If you are right, this should be reported.


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this still is one of the hardest things people have to go through and its just cruel . people get attached and dealing with that attachment or even getting rid of it may be harder than you think but i think the good thing is as the time passes you sorta become stronger and this whole things gets a bit easier but still its just painful


if you are looking to know more about the different attachment styles you might find attachment style quiz very useful and fun.
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