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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Sometimes I think a lot of his treatment has been a call for my attention! I should have put more pics up of us 2.

I still get that lurching horrible feeling, is this actually happening? Oh yes it is. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking BF was here then remembered oh no he is not we have split up.

Don't guilt trip yourself like that. No, it wasn't a call for your attention. If he wanted to be with you he would have fought for you at the time. If he was treating you badly, that's a sign he didn't really want to be with you.

I know that sick feeling frown I know it's gut wrenching. You can get through this.

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It wasn't a call for your attention. He didn't want your attention.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It wasn't a call for your attention. He didn't want your attention.

OUCH

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It wasn't a call for your attention. He didn't want your attention.

OUCH

It's harsh, but I think you attributing child-like behaviors to him in order to justify caring for him. He is not a toddler, lashing out for attention. He doesn't need your care. He's a grown man that should have treated you better.

You're doing a great job by treating him like an adult by walking away from abuse.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It wasn't a call for your attention. He didn't want your attention.

OUCH

I am not trying to be harsh, but truthful. If he needed attention he wouldn't have been doing things to push you away. It seems like you are trying to find ways to pity him when it is not warranted. Sorry if that was too harsh.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thanks guys 😊

I have been putting up some family pictures in the home mainly of me and the children. I really want to put up some lovely pics of me and BF of various events we have been to but that would be weird. I should have done this before frown

Sometimes I think a lot of his treatment has been a call for my attention! I should have put more pics up of us 2.

I still get that lurching horrible feeling, is this actually happening? Oh yes it is. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking BF was here then remembered oh no he is not we have split up.
I also think looking at the pictures is triggering you in Plan B. Many BS will put the pictures away to help them heal and not to be triggered. You need to be dark, dark, dark in Plan B. That is the best way to heal.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It wasn't a call for your attention. He didn't want your attention.

OUCH

I am not trying to be harsh, but truthful. If he needed attention he wouldn't have been doing things to push you away. It seems like you are trying to find ways to pity him when it is not warranted. Sorry if that was too harsh.

It was so confusing though. He was doing things to show he wanted me and then doing things to show he didn't. Things he did to show he wanted me;

wanting lots of SF
buying expensive gifts
bringing me home cakes & coffee
talking about the 2 of us having days out
not wanting me to talk to other men/being jealous
demanding my attention, and doing things together

I am not even sure that my love bank is still open to him anymore. I am literally so upset the way he has treated me. I guess he knew earlier than me that things weren't working and he checked out, it has just taken me longer. I just feel so rejected and stupid for not dealing with it. I feel pity for myself.

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I found out from the kids that when he spent the day with them on Sunday he was completely hungover. He had sent messages to my sister the week before complaining about not seeing the children for 5 days and then when he does they spend the day in doors playing computer games feeling rubbish!! He took them to the chinese next door. I had visions of him taking them somewhere nice and then a lovely home cooked dinner. Can't believe that. He will be drowning his sorrows in drink.

It is so easy to fall into a pit of dispair, and to say I am suffering I can't cope, put me into a mental hospital and you have the children/the house/ the lot. I WONT let that happen.

Things I am going to do this week;

Have my new hairstyle done - I am having extensions done to glam myself up a bit
Get a new outfit for Friday night
Get a manicure
Book a night away with kids somewhere fun for school hols in a couple of weeks
Book my tennis lesson
Enter for a run
Stop talking about BF
Stop looking at old emails/letters/listening to voice messages
Stop trying to work out what I did wrong

I want to feel good again and I want to get my glow back. I am going to see Docs on Friday as a follow up appointment.

Have a great day all of you.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
It was so confusing though. He was doing things to show he wanted me and then doing things to show he didn't. Things he did to show he wanted me;

wanting lots of SF
buying expensive gifts
bringing me home cakes & coffee
talking about the 2 of us having days out
not wanting me to talk to other men/being jealous
demanding my attention, and doing things together
Seems to me he was investing money in gifts to get SF, but not investing time to build the relationship.

Check the image you have made of BF to his actions. Adjust the image if his actions don't confirm the image.

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So strange how emotions can swing but the way I am feeling at the moment - is that I must be mad to ever go back to that???? The way he has treated me has been awful and that was even before the affair started.

Starting to imagine meeting someone new who would NEVER treat me this way - surely there are some men out there in the world who wouldn't do this?

He is so full of himself to think that he is doing some sort of favour by being with me ?!?!?! He would literally have to come crawling back.

I do not know how these women forgive men who have a full blown affair moving in with AW.

I cannot imagine sitting opposite by BF thinking anything but bad thoughts about him.

Run girl RUN


Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/05/20 07:31 AM.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am not trying to be harsh, but truthful. If he needed attention he wouldn't have been doing things to push you away. It seems like you are trying to find ways to pity him when it is not warranted. Sorry if that was too harsh.

IMO what you said wasn't harsh, it's the fact of it that's hard to swallow.

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Thanks Hershey. I think it's real important to accept the truth in these situations. Change is hard and it is easy to give into the temptation of rewriting history as an excuse overcome temporary pain.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I think it's real important to accept the truth in these situations. Change is hard and it is easy to give into the temptation of rewriting history as an excuse overcome temporary pain.

I so agree with this.

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I have cried all morning - haven't stopped. Just realising from what you are all saying and his actions how he didn't want the relationship. He was just there for the children.

He sent a message to the new IM this morning - saying that he has heard he needs to contact her now. So i guess thats that then. Cant believe how he didn't really love me at all and has been stringing me along. I loved him so much, and I cant believe he is not going to be a part of my life.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I have cried all morning - haven't stopped. Just realising from what you are all saying and his actions how he didn't want the relationship. He was just there for the children.

He sent a message to the new IM this morning - saying that he has heard he needs to contact her now. So i guess thats that then. Cant believe how he didn't really love me at all and has been stringing me along. I loved him so much, and I cant believe he is not going to be a part of my life.


I am so sorry you are hurting, CB. I promise you it will get better. I want to remind you of how unhappy you have been for a very long time. But this will get better and you now have a chance to have a happy, fulfilled life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody

Well Mum came over to the rescue and sat with me for the afternoon and I feel 100% better. She gave me a few face slaps 😂 and told me I hope you never get back with him again.

So I need to confess that I broke Plan B which contributed to melt down. I took over from my IM last week and we have been exchanging messages all this week about the children. Whoops. His messages started off nice then took an angry tone.

So I have gone into Plan B DARK. I have removed myself from the football WhatsApp group and the family WhatsApp group. So IM just told me that BF has messaged about that and wants to know now I have left the group how am I going to get the messages? He also asked for my IM to include his sister in all the messages.

Feeling strong again and feeling free. My goodness this is such a roller coaster of emotions is this normal??

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Stay dark. And if he wants his sister to get all the messages, he is free to forward communications to her. Your IM is not his servant.

My brother in law doesn't use whatsapp, his children go to sports without him getting all those group messages. If there's info you need to know, it is very likely someone will inform you.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
So I have gone into Plan B DARK. I have removed myself from the football WhatsApp group and the family WhatsApp group. So IM just told me that BF has messaged about that and wants to know now I have left the group how am I going to get the messages? He also asked for my IM to include his sister in all the messages.

Feeling strong again and feeling free. My goodness this is such a roller coaster of emotions is this normal??

If you will stick to an airtight Plan B you will start feeling like a million bucks. The roller coaster will end!

And what was your answer about including your sister in communications with the IM. The answer should have been NO! He doesn't get a vote. Any communications should come through your IM and it should be screened out to only include pertinent info about kids, finances IN HER WORDS.

Have you seen an attorney yet to get a custody and financial agreement in place?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
My brother in law doesn't use whatsapp, his children go to sports without him getting all those group messages. If there's info you need to know, it is very likely someone will inform you.

Agree. You don't need Whatsapp. You have an IM!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I slept for 10 hours last night must have needed that good cry yesterday!

BF now set up a WhatsApp group with my IM and his sister and my IM has responded!!! Ahhh. He is so pushy it’s untrue. I think my IM thinks that she would keep the peace that way. Why is it so hard and why does he keep setting up WhatsApp groups copying in everyone?!?!

Anyway my IM said she was sorry and is coming over in the morning and we will sort it all out block him off her WhatsApp and just send text messages to him direct. Why does he keep doing this? I had to block him from my mums WhatsApp yesterday as he kept setting groups up with her in.

Kids FaceTimed BF last night. He was in London Working this is where OW was from. Usually he stays up on a Thursday night which I assume is when he has been taking her out. He made it very clear in a loud voice that he wasn’t staying up there and was getting the 7pm train home. Yeah right as if I believe that one.

I had an amazing day today. I went for a run with my son who was on his bike, the sun and fresh air felt so good. Going out with friends tonight and tomorrow. I just had my hair done and it looks lush!!!!

Told a very good friend/neighbour what has happened today. She was so lovely about it. She said my husband text him a couple of weeks ago and never heard back that will be why. She said it sounds like he is having a mid life crisis...!

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