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#3015029 03/17/21 10:43 AM
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Good Morning,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. He is a farmer and I stay home with our three kidos. We have so much career baggage concerning farming that I could write for hours. When we married our life plan was to work together on his family farm with my role being an active farm wife, not a stay at home mom. (I come from a farm family as well.) Looking back, I'm not sure why he never wanted me around after marriage but I have begged to be involved. I wanted to be a part of it all and play a role in its success. Long story short, it's been 7 years and I want NOTHING to do with his family farm. It makes me sick with rage, jealousy, hurt, bitterness...something, to think about being a part of anything that goes on down there. (We live 20 minutes away on my dads farm. ) I've been asking to talk about how we can make a joint agreement concerning his career and it just gets put off. He doesnt have a need to address it because he is doing what he wants. I've brought up seperation over the issue but he says if I do that it's over. I feel so trapped. I want my marriage to work, so saying a seperation would be the end of it is quite intimidating. Now his parents are wanting to sit down and talk succession. I want NOTHING to do with that place. I don't want him to work there. My feelings at marriage concerning his farm have changed so I feel like I'm the issue or problem. How do you make a POJA over an issue we do NOT see eye to eye on. Even thinking of compromising anything about working there makes me sick.

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Originally Posted by Jsshaner
Good Morning,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. He is a farmer and I stay home with our three kidos. We have so much career baggage concerning farming that I could write for hours. When we married our life plan was to work together on his family farm with my role being an active farm wife, not a stay at home mom. (I come from a farm family as well.) Looking back, I'm not sure why he never wanted me around after marriage but I have begged to be involved. I wanted to be a part of it all and play a role in its success. Long story short, it's been 7 years and I want NOTHING to do with his family farm. It makes me sick with rage, jealousy, hurt, bitterness...something, to think about being a part of anything that goes on down there. (We live 20 minutes away on my dads farm. ) I've been asking to talk about how we can make a joint agreement concerning his career and it just gets put off. He doesnt have a need to address it because he is doing what he wants. I've brought up seperation over the issue but he says if I do that it's over. I feel so trapped. I want my marriage to work, so saying a seperation would be the end of it is quite intimidating. Now his parents are wanting to sit down and talk succession. I want NOTHING to do with that place. I don't want him to work there. My feelings at marriage concerning his farm have changed so I feel like I'm the issue or problem. How do you make a POJA over an issue we do NOT see eye to eye on. Even thinking of compromising anything about working there makes me sick.
Welcome to MB.

Have you and your H used POJA in other things? Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's basic concepts? Is your H familiar with Dr. Harley's basic concepts?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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How did you end up a stay at home mother and wife when your original plan was to be a part of the family farm? What about his farming makes his career choice unworkable?

Do you and your husband get out on dates at all? Are you able to meet each other's emotional needs?

Also, don't mention separation. Dr. Harley usually recommends that a person trying to bring about change should keep it on the front burner, without threatening separation. Bring it up often and offer different solutions. The POJA relies on each spouse's good will for the other, so that you each want the other to win while also bringing about a good outcome for yourselves.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Are there any other females working on his farm?


me, DH
all the children
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We are aware of the concepts and are both on board with them. We have 4 different books by Dr. Harley and have read two of them together. (The other two I leisure read alone.) We both agree with the concepts- the application of them is quite a feat for some reason. smile

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Hands down within one month of marriage I noticed things were off. As an example I asked for a date and he said normal people don't date, we are married now. I brought it up down the road and asked if we could go out together. He said he couldnt come up with anything, he was a guy. (We went on a date every weekend for 4 months probably, all initiated by him, when we were dating. He was amazing. ) Hearing this reasoning I made 12 envelopes with 1 date for each month. He opened the first envelope (tickets to a baseball game) and we never went to it or any other envelopes. I got pregnant 9 months into marriage. His mom was one of my best friends and when we announced our pregnancy a switch just flipped. His parents have been very hateful towards me since and it's never been discussed. They have even called the police on me for being manipulative towards my husband. It was so embarrassing. Things have just gotten so bad between us all and it started within a month of marriage. I can pinpoint when there was a shift.

I stayed home with the baby initially and that just became the norm. When I tried to learn more about his family farm his dad told me to stay in my lane. I was to stay out of their information because I'm not a part of it. Jacob adores his parents and it was a quality I admired when we dated. I thought that love for family would "transfer" or his value of family would be strong for his own family and children too. He is all talk and no action. He says he wants me involved but I find out about purchases of equipment through counseling sessions that I didnt even know existed. I have asked for a real views of what he farms- I dont even know where some of the land is. Its ridiculous.

It sounds counter productive but I can no longer make an agreement that suits his desires. I hate and despise his farm. I view it as an affair with sneaking around. I dont want to be a part of it which now makes me feel like since I'm going back on our origional desires of years ago... that I'm the problem. I dont want to farm with him anymore.

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Just his mom. smile

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The current issue with his farm I think is this idea that I am an outsider. I come from an extremely successful farming background with my dad being a local best in his field and Jacob comes from a small run down farm. We come from two different lifestyles and they want no part of me. It wasnt always this way and I'm not sure why the switch flipped, but I know when- when we announced our first pregnancy. He has not chosen me over his origional family and I feel such an outcast. I hate his farm because I know he would choose it over me. It feels like an affair in a way. This other thing is more important. This run down farm is worth more to him than his family at home- and he has said this.

We have been going on dates! smile I asked for one date a month here recently and each one was on the 30 or 31 of the month. Lol. I feel like such a chore for him to take out. Because this last day possible thing bothered me we spoke and we actually decided on once a week which I am blown away to see. I enjoy hanging out with him. Things have looked up since our introduction with marriage builders. I used to hate him any time we were together, date or not. Now, I can enjoy myself when we are out. He isnt all scoundrel. Haha. We just dont see eye to eye on the farm.

I like that you mention not to mention seperation. I dont want to have it hung above our marriage. I fear there no way out. We do not meet eachother needs and use all of the busters - so we are in a pretty sticky situation. The concepts are great, the application and follow through are terrible for us.


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Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us they to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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We have! They are the best. I guess I'm so frustrated, confused on how I should feel, and a but nervous I'm the problem. I've emailed them so many times (with responses each time of course) that I feel bad hogging their time or pestering them for free. I thought I'd reach out for some more help from others with the same mindset and concept belief as the Harleys.

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I would highly recommend reaching back out to the Harleys. You can’t beat the best help.

How are the both of you on POJA?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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