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Joined: Dec 2021
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gGrant Offline OP
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Hello,

I have been addicted to pornography since I was 10 years old. All throughout school it was the "cool" thing to do, and everyone assumed everyone did it. I always thought it was normal and never thought of it as an addiction until I got married to my wife. From the very beginning of our relationship, she was adamant that she would not and could not ever be with anyone who watches porn. I was naive to my addiction and assumed it would be so easy it stop and constantly reassured her I could easily quit cold turkey. We were long distance, and she would send private things to me regularly because I told her it would help the cravings even though it made her feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Only a few weeks in and I had already broken down and watched porn several times. I was too afraid to tell her what had happened, and I kept convincing myself I could stop and it wouldn't happen again. Her friend always told her that I'm probably watching porn and she always assured them that I wasn't. I've made her look like a complete fool to everyone, and I can't believe she is still with me now.

Fast forward, we got married after a year of dating and have been married for almost three years now. Things were a little bumpy here and there like every marriage, but we've read His Needs, Her Needs and have come a long way in our communication to each other. We've grown very strong emotionally with each other, but my wife always knew there was something off. Her intuition had always told her something was always off sexually with us. Eventually she confronted me and asked if I had been watching porn. This is where the trickle truthing started. I lied and said I was masturbating to images of her that I had, and only when we wouldn't have sex often enough. This held her over for a while and we talked about it and came to the conclusion to let her know when I was having these urges and we could figure something else out if not sex right then and there. The whole time I was still watching porn almost every single day. A few months went by and eventually she still knew something was still off and asked me if I ever thought about porn anymore. Up to this point I had told her every time that I hadn't thought about it at all, but something compelled me to tell her I at least thought about it. I had been getting by on half-truths and sympathy. I was thinking, "Well, maybe she can know just this little bit and that'll satisfy her curiosity and we can move on and be happy again." That is how I have avoided all of the occasions like this that had come up. The longer our marriage has gone on the deeper the fear, shame, and disappointment of her finding out grew. I finally realized porn was an all-consuming addiction when neither the fear of her finding out nor the love I have for her was able to stop me from committing these selfish acts.

This last Thanksgiving week we had gone on a trip to visit her family. On the fifth day of our seven-day trip she suddenly awoke in the morning and started asking me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. I was so confused and thrown off guard I started lying as fast as I could. She said she had a dream that I was keeping something from her and was being very persistent. Eventually, I confessed that I had watched it, but only a couple of times when we were dating. Then, after she persisted, I confessed to only doing it once after we were married. Of course, this absolutely devastated her to find out that I had done this behind her back and after all these years. Trust had been completely lost and broken and I thought we were on the verge of immediate divorce. She had been fighting her gut and her conscience for years about my lies and everything was screaming at her to let me go. I had convinced her I was willing to get help and that it was an addiction. She was still iffy about the idea, but it was enough to hold her over until we could start our return home two days later. On the way back, however we started listening to some podcasts and interviews from Terry Crews about his porn addiction and how it almost shattered his marriage, and how his wife was on the verge of leaving him and taking everything. It was at this point I knew I had to come clean, whether she left me or not, for her sake she needed to finally know the whole truth, no holds barred. For my sake I knew I needed to let it all out and get the help I needed no matter what. I felt like she was absolutely disgusted in me. Whatever little bit that was salvaging our marriage from my trickle truth had been totally ripped away it felt like. After we both calmed down and made it home, we had a very long and emotional discussion about our future. She has decided to stay with me, and we have both decided to go to individual therapy and couple's therapy. I have a "dumb" phone now with no browser or social media access and I have agreed to have everything monitored. It feels really good to disconnect from it all. Having absolutely zero access had helped me tremendously. We've been listening to many podcasts learning as much as we can about porn addiction. We've implemented several changes and techniques and they have all been great. I've started going to therapy, my first session is this week so hopefully that doubly helps.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel free from this burden I've skulked around in the shadows with for so long. My marriage is no longer confined by the chains of pornography and I'm happier with my wife now more than ever. Sex has been wholly and completely on another level satisfying and fulfilling with her. My only wish is that I could have found the strength and courage to tell her all of my problems sooner. It is completely unacceptable and unforgiveable what I have done to her and what I have put her through, but she has accepted my and forgiven me anyway. That speaks to her absolute unending love. I wanted her to think I was the perfect man because she was so wonderful, but the fear of disappointment and shame completely overshadowed everything. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Anyways, I couldn't fit every little detail, like trickle-truthing my past relationships that has happened in here so some things might have been glossed over but this about wraps it all up. I fully accept that I was being a despicable human being and a terrible husband to my beautiful wife. I would really appreciate any feedback from this story and tips you guys have for me going forward. I also hope that maybe someone reading this will find the courage inside of themselves to come out to their loved one and know that there is an undying amount of support out there for you and whatever you're going through. There is no shame in admitting a man has an addiction to porn, especially when it is specifically designed to target and entrap young people.

God bless, everyone

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Pornography addiction is much more widespread and destructive than most people think. Most women feel betrayed when they discover their husband has been viewing porn; they consider it a violation of the marital vows.

I just want to point out that your wife would not be able to "forgive" you were it not for your doing what it took to end the pornography and to make your marriage better and safer than ever. On Marriage Builders, we call that part "Just Compensation," and it includes eliminating all the ways that made the addiction possible as well as learning how to meet each other's intimate emotional needs and ending love busters.

I'm glad it worked out for you.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Welcome to MB.

Have you seen Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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gGrant Offline OP
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Hello there! Sorry for the long delay in replies. The blockers I have on my computer now made it tricky to visit this page since it has the word porn all over it. Unfortunately, I used that as an excuse to ignore the wisdom that can be offered here for fear of being roasted alive by comments. I also thought I knew better and could find my own ways to recover for myself. I realize now that was incredibly selfish and cowardly of me. I should be focusing on rebuilding the relationship, not just myself. I thought by just working on me that everything would magically get better.

I read the Scourge on Porn Article and I have to very much agree with the Policy of Sexual Exclusivity. It's been over a month since I've quit porn and just the thought of my wife now drives me crazy (in a good way). Seeing her body whatsoever now is just an enormous dopamine hit in all the right ways. It feels so much more real and emotional and intimate. It really is a whole paradigm shift. After becoming addicted at such a young age I was never able to experience what it felt like to be with a woman without all of these inhibitions and doubts and expectations. It truly is freeing to be away from it all.

I thank you all for your time. I plan on being on here much more because writing and talking about my experience is truly cathartic and good to get my clear thoughts out.

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gGrant Offline OP
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Hey, everybody. I realize I was being pretty selfish in my perspective of recovery. I was definitely trying to treat a symptom, like ogling or bad habits, instead of the problem. Do you guys have any tips on how to stay focused on rebuilding the marriage itself?

Last edited by gGrant; 12/27/21 02:54 PM. Reason: Tried to sound sincere and authentic but ended up sounding completely insincere and unauthentic
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Post moved to your thread. Please do not post on your wife's thread.


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