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Hi,
I’m new here and have been reading a lot of the articles on this site. I’m hopeful this can help us. I’m just at a loss as to where to start, how to broach the topic, etc. We have been together 44 years, married 38 and both in our early 60’s. Over the last year, he’s had a serious health scare, he’s lost a lot of weight and is probably feeling his age and his mortality. The last 6 months or so he has been telling me he’s not happy. When I ask why, what is it that’s making you unhappy, he says he doesn’t know. I was thinking it was related to possible depression over his health, and some other things going on in his life, but lately he’s said that what he’s not happy with is ME frown. Daggers to my heart. When I ask what about our relationship/marriage he’s not happy with he says I don’t know. Many of his friends continue to ask me if he’s alright, they are all concerned for him and the way he behaves, not answering their texts, moody, very quiet, not his usual funny self, very up and down etc. They are worried that it’s his health, some of them have asked me if he’s open to seeing a therapist. All this does is turn him off when I tell him your friends are concerned.

I believe he has been having an emotional, not physical (according to him), affair with another woman he has regular interactions with. He denies any feelings other than just friends, for her, but I’m not stupid, I’ve seen all the phone calls, and the purchases (he’s sent her flowers, bought her some clothing, etc). He says he feels for her because she has nobody, single mother, etc. but I don’t believe that’s all there is to it as he hides things, all the signs are there. A sudden attachment to his phone, deleting texts and phone calls, etc. I confronted him a few times, and finally, with proof - cell phone records, credit card purchases, a couple months ago, he then admitted to allowing this friendship to reach an inappropriate level, and maybe she was using him and taking advantage of his good nature, willingness to buy her things. etc. He says there’s nothing more going on, he says he doesn’t see her at all, never got together in person, etc. He still has to have ‘business’ interaction with her, though, and I’ve found on a few recent occasions as recent as today, that he’s still deleting her phone calls and texts. When I ask, he says they are nothing, but he doesn’t want me to see them because ‘I’ll freak out’. I said well what you are doing is worse because it means you have something to hide. In any case, I’ve suggested marital counseling but I’m not sure he is willing, he says ‘I guess so’ when I ask if he agrees that we need to work on our marriage. I’ve told him over and over again that I love him and that I’ll do anything to fix whatever’s going on. When he’s unhappy, I’m unhappy.

As I read some of these articles, I am considering having him read them too, especially the infidelity ones, and the love bank and all the concepts. Maybe I should buy the his needs, her needs book and we both read it. Is any of this the right way to start?

Thanks in advance for any advice or experience sharing. I’m devastated but determined to try to resolve these issues and get back to the way we were.

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Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.Your husband is having an affair.

What do you mean he has to stay in contact for business purposes?

Please ask the MODS to move this to Surviving an affair, where you’ll get more help.


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How do i do that, get the mods to move it? And by the way, what I described is no longer current, this happened over the summer and I just found out she is seeing someone else, not my husband. They never had a physical relationship. But whatever caused him to start a relationship that was more than friendship with her is what I need to understand so we can move forward, if he is willing to work on us frown. Right now I’m not sure he is. She works at the country club where he is on the board and they have to work together. He’d have to resign which he won’t do, or be reassigned to another committee.

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Thread moved.

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Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

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Let's start by reading the "manual". In the sticky topic ('start here first') in this subforum, you can find links to detailed articles on how affairs start and how they need to end. Could you read these articles and come back with questions? You will understand a lot more how you got here and more important, how to recover.

Affairs are devastating. During affairs, a lot of damage is done. The MB plan to recovery is designed to maximize chances of recovery while keeping the damage as low as possible. Exposure seems counterintuitive, but it is the fastest way out of the situation. Waiting for an affair to die a natural death will cause more pain and damage. It is easier to recover from a short, heavy blow than from an ongoing year of misery.
Minimum damage - maximum chances of recovering.

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...affair-start-here-first.html#Post2695379

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Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

May I ask what age the lady he was speaking to was? And have you ever spoken with her?

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Originally Posted by Here24Help
Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

May I ask what age the lady he was speaking to was? And have you ever spoken with her?

Thank you frown She is 17 years younger than he is. I have not spoken directly to her but I have emailed her, because once he admitted to allowing the working relationship/friendship to become more than that, and bought her some clothing, I explained how inappropriate this relationship was and that I could report her, but at the time, wasn’t going to do so. I also asked for her to pay us back for the clothing he bought her. She did. I have been considering going to see her though. Just to hear from her what’s going on, if that is possible to get the truth.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Let's start by reading the "manual". In the sticky topic ('start here first') in this subforum, you can find links to detailed articles on how affairs start and how they need to end. Could you read these articles and come back with questions? You will understand a lot more how you got here and more important, how to recover.

Affairs are devastating. During affairs, a lot of damage is done. The MB plan to recovery is designed to maximize chances of recovery while keeping the damage as low as possible. Exposure seems counterintuitive, but it is the fastest way out of the situation. Waiting for an affair to die a natural death will cause more pain and damage. It is easier to recover from a short, heavy blow than from an ongoing year of misery.
Minimum damage - maximum chances of recovering.

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...affair-start-here-first.html#Post2695379

Thank you SO much for helping me start somewhere on this site. It is very overwhelming.

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Originally Posted by feelinglost27
Hi,
I’m new here and have been reading a lot of the articles on this site. I’m hopeful this can help us. I’m just at a loss as to where to start, how to broach the topic, etc. We have been together 44 years, married 38 and both in our early 60’s. Over the last year, he’s had a serious health scare, he’s lost a lot of weight and is probably feeling his age and his mortality. The last 6 months or so he has been telling me he’s not happy. When I ask why, what is it that’s making you unhappy, he says he doesn’t know. I was thinking it was related to possible depression over his health, and some other things going on in his life, but lately he’s said that what he’s not happy with is ME frown. Daggers to my heart. When I ask what about our relationship/marriage he’s not happy with he says I don’t know. Many of his friends continue to ask me if he’s alright, they are all concerned for him and the way he behaves, not answering their texts, moody, very quiet, not his usual funny self, very up and down etc. They are worried that it’s his health, some of them have asked me if he’s open to seeing a therapist. All this does is turn him off when I tell him your friends are concerned.

I believe he has been having an emotional, not physical (according to him), affair with another woman he has regular interactions with. He denies any feelings other than just friends, for her, but I’m not stupid, I’ve seen all the phone calls, and the purchases (he’s sent her flowers, bought her some clothing, etc). He says he feels for her because she has nobody, single mother, etc. but I don’t believe that’s all there is to it as he hides things, all the signs are there. A sudden attachment to his phone, deleting texts and phone calls, etc. I confronted him a few times, and finally, with proof - cell phone records, credit card purchases, a couple months ago, he then admitted to allowing this friendship to reach an inappropriate level, and maybe she was using him and taking advantage of his good nature, willingness to buy her things. etc. He says there’s nothing more going on, he says he doesn’t see her at all, never got together in person, etc. He still has to have ‘business’ interaction with her, though, and I’ve found on a few recent occasions as recent as today, that he’s still deleting her phone calls and texts. When I ask, he says they are nothing, but he doesn’t want me to see them because ‘I’ll freak out’. I said well what you are doing is worse because it means you have something to hide. In any case, I’ve suggested marital counseling but I’m not sure he is willing, he says ‘I guess so’ when I ask if he agrees that we need to work on our marriage. I’ve told him over and over again that I love him and that I’ll do anything to fix whatever’s going on. When he’s unhappy, I’m unhappy.

As I read some of these articles, I am considering having him read them too, especially the infidelity ones, and the love bank and all the concepts. Maybe I should buy the his needs, her needs book and we both read it. Is any of this the right way to start?

Thanks in advance for any advice or experience sharing. I’m devastated but determined to try to resolve these issues and get back to the way we were.

I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you to this forum. The board has become much quieter over the past few years; hence the relatively few replies to your post so far.

Please don't ask him any more questions about his infidelity, as he's very likely to be dishonest about it. Most waywards are very reluctant to share the truth. It's also not going to do much good, at this point anyway, to have him read anything on this site, because he's likely to be resistant. It will also tip him off to some tactics that only you need to know about right now. Have you read Surviving an Affair yet? I see that you have already been directed to some great material on this website, which is a great place to start.

Basically, Dr. Harley's plan for surviving an affair is a narrow path but is fairly straightforward:

1.) Don't ask him any more questions. Rather, start quietly doing a lot of snooping to find out the extent of the affair and whether it's still going on. Be pleasant during this time.

2.) He has already admitted to having an affair (and I wouldn't believe the affair is "only" emotional.) His affair needs to be exposed to those who can hold him accountable. This will give you some much needed emotional support; affairs are absolutely devastating to the betrayed spouse. Many say the pain of an affair is akin to having your house burn down or the death of a child. This isn't something to be taken lightly. If you had a cancer diagnosis, you would share it with your closest friends and family. Exposure of an affair is a vital part of Dr. Harley's plan for surviving an affair.

3.) He will need to completely end ALL contact with the other woman. He must never see or talk with her again. All ways of communication with her must be eliminated.If he is still seeing her or working with her in any way, that's going to be an ongoing problem, because it's very easy for him to start the affair. Plus it will keep him in a perpetual "fog." Finally, it's a great offense and threat to you, as the betrayed spouse.

This would be a great start. There are more steps, of course. But there's little point in touching on those until the first ones are completed.


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you to this forum. The board has become much quieter over the past few years; hence the relatively few replies to your post so far.
I'd just like to add that you posted on New Year's Eve. With that and the Monday holiday here, it's been hard for some of us to find the time to post to anybody - I apologise that I could not do so sooner. I hope to be able to post to you tomorrow. Please come back and keep your thread alive.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you to this forum. The board has become much quieter over the past few years; hence the relatively few replies to your post so far.
I'd just like to add that you posted on New Year's Eve. With that and the Monday holiday here, it's been hard for some of us to find the time to post to anybody - I apologise that I could not do so sooner. I hope to be able to post to you tomorrow. Please come back and keep your thread alive.


yes, I understand I posted on a holiday weekend. I will keep checking. Thank you!

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Are you going to put spyware on his devices? Since they still work together for business purposes, then the affair is most likely active.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you going to put spyware on his devices? Since they still work together for business purposes, then the affair is most likely active.

without going into it in greater detail, i know the affair is not active, so no, i’m not going to put spyware on his devices at this time. My goal is to work on what’s wrong with our marriage that caused him to look elsewhere for companionship at this point. Thanks for sharing your suggestion.

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I've seen too many affairs that weren't acrive, but later -oops- were still active. It wouldn't be the first affair with a secret second phone or other means of contact.

Don't underestimate the addiction of an affair. Only a little trigger is needed to make it flare up again. As long as they are still in contact, assume the affair is active, until beyond doubt proven otherwise.

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What caused him to look elsewhere is lack of boundaries.

"You cannot prevent a bird from landing on your head, but you can prevent it building a nest."

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Originally Posted by feelinglost27
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you going to put spyware on his devices? Since they still work together for business purposes, then the affair is most likely active.

without going into it in greater detail, i know the affair is not active, so no, i’m not going to put spyware on his devices at this time. My goal is to work on what’s wrong with our marriage that caused him to look elsewhere for companionship at this point. Thanks for sharing your suggestion.

Your husband didn't use extraordinary precautions to prevent an affair. That's why he had an affair. People can be in poor marriages and yet not have an affair, because they essentially close their love banks to outside threats. People can be in great marriages and still have an affair because they didn't use extraordinary precautions.

Recovery after an affair requires eliminating the conditions that led to the affair. In some cases, that might be travel. In your husband's case, he allowed the relationship to become personal rather than maintain a professional demeanor.

Your husband needs to completely eliminate this woman from his life. Is he willing to do that?


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I am so sorry you're going through this, especially during the holidays ...

Quote
My goal is to work on what’s wrong with our marriage that caused him to look elsewhere for companionship at this point.

What's wrong in your marriage right now is that your husband is having an affair. That overshadows everything else that may have been wrong before. It's the first thing that needs to be dealt with, or else all you will be doing is spinning your wheels.

Reading through your thread, I see you've been given good advice on the first steps, but I don't see any response from you. Please reread what LongWayFromHome has told you to do:

Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
1.) Don't ask him any more questions. Rather, start quietly doing a lot of snooping to find out the extent of the affair and whether it's still going on. Be pleasant during this time.

2.) He has already admitted to having an affair (and I wouldn't believe the affair is "only" emotional.) His affair needs to be exposed to those who can hold him accountable. This will give you some much needed emotional support; affairs are absolutely devastating to the betrayed spouse. Many say the pain of an affair is akin to having your house burn down or the death of a child. This isn't something to be taken lightly. If you had a cancer diagnosis, you would share it with your closest friends and family. Exposure of an affair is a vital part of Dr. Harley's plan for surviving an affair.

3.) He will need to completely end ALL contact with the other woman. He must never see or talk with her again. All ways of communication with her must be eliminated.If he is still seeing her or working with her in any way, that's going to be an ongoing problem, because it's very easy for him to start the affair. Plus it will keep him in a perpetual "fog." Finally, it's a great offense and threat to you, as the betrayed spouse.

This is what works. This is what needs to be done to get your marriage back on the road it needs to be on. Once this affair is dealt with and your marriage is in recovery, you will be able to focus on other issues.

Have you snooped for more details? Have you exposed? Has he ended all contact?


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Quote
She works at the country club where he is on the board and they have to work together. He’d have to resign which he won’t do, or be reassigned to another committee.

They cannot continue to work together. The affair will continue as long as they work together.


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I understand what everyone is saying, and I know you will all say I’m delusional but I’m a smart woman, you don’t know all of the circumstances and I’m not willing to get into all of that on a public board, but this was not your typical affair. It was emotional only, not physical. He allowed a professional relationship to get personal in that he spent a lot of time listening to her problems and talking to her over the summer and they got close. Yes it was inappropriate, he knows it and he feels terribly guilty about that. I’ve threatened to report her and she could lose her job over this. Yes, I’m doing my detective work to identify any continued communication between them, which has been drastically reduced to almost nothing. We live in a community where he is on the board of directors and he is committed to one more year. He has requested to be moved to another committee so he no longer has to work directly with her. He is going through a lot of other issues right now as well and is finally getting help.

I will add that I have exposed to his best friend and to our sons.

Thank you all for your support and for your recommendations.

Last edited by feelinglost27; 01/14/22 01:01 PM.
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