My girlfriend and i have been dating for 4 years now. She is 25 and I am 29. Two of those years she was serving in the Peace Corps in Guatemala while I was in school in florida completeing my Master's degree. Another one of those years she has lived at home (Orlando) while i have been in another city (Sarasota & Gainesville) about 2 hours drive away. So, in all reality we have really only lived in the same town for a year. <P> The problem is that she is having doubts now that I might not be "the one" for her or that she will not be able to love me for the rest of her life. Is this b/c we have been seperated for so long that she has grow apart from me. When we see each other we are very happy and can both tell there is a connection. We are best friends and both agonizing over what to do? Is there a time limit to decide whether to stay wth someone or to move on?

ericstm,<P>Long distance realtionships can be a blessing and a curse. They can help you really get to know the other person with out the confusion of physical contact. You probably talked on the phone, e-mailed and wrote alot to each other while seperated. Distance can also test ones commtment to the other person.<P>The down side of a long distance realtionship is that during the time of seperation you couldn't work on the day to day routine of a relationship. When you are together it is not routine but special every day. <P>You mention that your GF is not sure that you are the one and she is concerned whether she will "be able" to love you for a life time. <P>The love in a marriage relationship is more about commitment and less about feelings then most folks realize before they tie the knot.<P>The more important question your GF (and you) need to answer is "Is this the person I am willing to promise to love for the rest of my life".<P>The feeling of "being in love" fades in and out in the best of marriages. The difference between the marriages that survive the inevitable "out of love" phases of marriage and the ones that don't is commitment. Feeling "in love" will never create commitment. But commitment can create feelings of "being in love". Oh and by the way commitment is a lot of work!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mudder:<BR><B>ericstm,<P>Long distance realtionships can be a blessing and a curse. They can help you really get to know the other person with out the confusion of physical contact. You probably talked on the phone, e-mailed and wrote alot to each other while seperated. Distance can also test ones commtment to the other person.<P>The down side of a long distance realtionship is that during the time of seperation you couldn't work on the day to day routine of a relationship. When you are together it is not routine but special every day. <P>You mention that your GF is not sure that you are the one and she is concerned whether she will "be able" to love you for a life time. <P>The love in a marriage relationship is more about commitment and less about feelings then most folks realize before they tie the knot.<P>The more important question your GF (and you) need to answer is "Is this the person I am willing to promise to love for the rest of my life".<P>The feeling of "being in love" fades in and out in the best of marriages. The difference between the marriages that survive the inevitable "out of love" phases of marriage and the ones that don't is commitment. Feeling "in love" will never create commitment. But commitment can create feelings of "being in love". Oh and by the way commitment is a lot of work!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Things have gotten worse since my last post. We went to a wedding together this past weekend and everything was fine. Later that weekend she told me that she wanted to see this other guy to see if she had any "feelings" for him. She says they are just friends and that she loves me but she needds to find out so she can be sure about us. So, Sunday night we decided to seperate (sounds like we are married already) until easter. It was extremely painful for the two of us and took about 2 hours. I felt like we had made the right decision (giving her space and all) but after sleeping on it all I could think was that I had made a mistake and pushed her into the arms of this other guy. We spoke last (Monday) and ended up getting into an argument. Has the distance in our relationship caused us to drift apart?? I spoke with her this morning and told her that I would try to giver her space (not call or e-mail) until we see each other on the 24th or 25th but I also said she should not have any contact witht his other guy. Am I doing the right thing? Please help!<P>

I'm surprised others haven't chimed in here so I'll give you my 2 cents. I think the seperation is probably good for both of you. Take the time to clear your head. Get busy with a hobby or sport or your career or volunteer at a charitable organization. <P>I would not put any restrictions on your GF though. If the point is to be sure she can commit to you for the rest of her life you need to let her go. Now what she decides to do during this period of seperation may effect whether you want to commit to her for the rest of your life. You run more risk of pushing her away (or into another guys arms)but puting restrictions on her at this time.

"If you love something let it go...if it comes back to you it is meant to be." The seperation will probably do both of you some good. I wouldn't say that you are "pushing her into the arms of the other guy". If you were to tell her not to see anyone else why you are seperated, then of course to her the grass is going to look greener on the other side. It is better that she is having doubts now then once you get married. Being married isn't defined on whether or not you could love a person for the rest of your life, but can you be committed to this person through the good times AND the bad times. Yes, you do need love in a marriage but it takes alot more then love to keep a marriage together!! I know that no matter what anyones says, the hurt doesn't get any easier for you Try to keep yourself as busy as possible and try not to dwell on it-it will only make it worse. Best of luck!

So, we agreed not to speak to, write to or see each other. The problem is that neither one of us had been able to stay away from the other. Just last night my GF called just to say goodnight. What should I do now? I feel mean spirted if I say we should not talk but at the same I am having a tough time with the situation. Should I remain firm on our decision even though she wants to talk every now and then??

No, no, no! If your GF calls, you definitely should not tell her she's breaking the agreement not to talk. By being there for her when she wants to talk, you'll build up a balance in her Love Bank. The cruelest thing about relationships - all relationships, married or otherwise - is that the time when the couple re-evaluates whether or not they want to remain together is by definition the time when their Love Banks are lowest and the answer is therefore more likely to be no than at any other time! It's like running a marathon and asking yourself in the middle of mile 22 if you ever want to run a marathon again. <P>I also think you need to officially apologize for telling her not to see the other guy, and remove all "limits" on seeing other people during your separation... for both of you. Try to date at least one other girl during the separation, to give yourself some perspective as well and so that you don't feel cheated on if you and your GF get back together. <P>I think it's great that you've settled on Easter as a time to reevaluate your relationship, simply because it's good to have a "deadline" so both you and your GF know what to expect. But don't be opposed to extending the deadline if that's what you or your GF need, and give a little thought to moving it to the weekend after if you and/or your GF are Christian - you might break up for good after the separation, and if you do Easter will forever be a reminder of that. If you read my profile, you'll see my BF and I also went through a separation. It started on Tax Day, April 15th, and we were apart a little over a year and the next year, all the commercials for H+R Block and so on brought me to tears! <P>If you and your GF really "can't" stay away from each other, consider "dating" each other. (keep it casual if either of you is uncomfortable with the dating idea) Set up a time to meet and talk, maybe lunch on Saturday. Keep this to once a week, and it may help you each go your separate ways the rest of the week because you'll know you have that time set aside to talk.<P>Well, I hope some of this helps. Keep posting and let us know how you are!<p>[This message has been edited by younglove (edited March 10, 2000).]

That was the hardest weekend I have ever been through. I was the first time we have not spoken or been with each other since she came back from the Peace Corps (7 months ago). <P>I can't seem to shake the feeling that she is moving on with her life while I am stuck here without her. I am basically losing my mind slowly. <P>She went up to Gainesville to interview with some professors for gradutate school. I knew she was going but wonder if she went up over the weekend. I don't want to check up on her b/c that is never what we have been about and I don't feel right about it. I trust her!!<P>She called yesterday afternoon, (I had stepped out) and left a message that she was going to stay another night at her sisters. Said she was going to see Bill Nye, The Science Guy. <P>I called back and her sister told me that she had gone over to this other guys house. At that moment I lost all hope. Has she moved past me already?? I can't belive that after 4 years of devotion to one another that it is all ending so suddenly. Is it ending?? Am I over reacting?? Help, please!<p>[This message has been edited by ericstm (edited March 14, 2000).]

Eric-<P>I understand what you mean when you say you think you're losing your mind slowly. It feels like the more time that passes, the less chance your relationship can be rekindled. But that's not always true. Gaining some distance and perspective sometimes has the opposite effect. My boyfriend and I were together for about two years when we separated. We were separated for 18 months, and during that separation considered ourselves broken up for good - but that's not the way it turned out. We got back together, and it's been two and a half years since. So, even as the weeks turn into months, it's not a death warrant for the relationship.<P>What does matter is, what are you doing in the meantime? As hard as it is, don't spend all your free time thinking of her, rereading letters from her, etc. Dwelling on it only makes it worse (I think you got the same advice a few posts ago, sorry to repeat but it's true!). Get outside, get some exercise, read an interesting book, call a friend, do something to keep your mind occupied. <P>If she called to tell you she's staying another night at her sister's, then all hope is not lost. If it was completely, irretrievably over, she wouldn't bother to call you and tell you anything about where she is and when she'll be home. When she called and you weren't home, that's not so terribly different from when you called back and she wasn't home, now is it? It doesn't mean you're leaving her behind it just means you weren't home then. So about that, I do suspect you are overreacting a little.<P>As for this other guy, the absolute worst thing you could do would be to be critical of him to your GF. That will only show her the worst of you and he will look better by comparison. If she's truly interested in someone else - either in someone in particular or in the idea of seeing other guys in general - there's nothing you can do about it, you just have to wait it out. Even if you could convince her not to see other guys, (which you probably couldn't) would you really want to? Would you want to marry her knowing she wonders what it would be like to be with someone else? If she comes back, you'll know she wants you, and if she doesn't, although it will hurt it will at least save you the bigger hurt of finding out she's not sure about your relationship AFTER you're married.<P>Hang in there!<p>[This message has been edited by younglove (edited March 14, 2000).]

Thanks for all the support but I got the call tonight and it is definatly over. I apperciate all your kind words and advice. Time to move on.<P>Thanks everyone

I'm so sorry, Eric. You must be hurting now - please know that the wonderful people on this message board are very good at being supportive. If you need a place to vent, or a little companionship, you know where to look.

Wow - today has been a tough one. I think I might have slept for an hour last night. My mind was going through all sorts of scenarios. How do you hurt someone how has been there for you so long like this?? <P>I am slowly coming to terms with the notion that this is for the best but cannot help but feel that she might come back. Maybe not next month but eventually. <P>Problem is I do not know if I can forgive this. I Have to sit down and really evaluate my feelings for this special girl that used to be in my life.<P>By the way the name's Tom.

Oops! Sorry Tom.<P>Try to get as much sleep as you usually would - I know, that's nearly impossible for you right now - get some Nytol or Sominex if you have to. Everything looks worse if on top of it all you're exhausted.<P>Are you feeling like maybe you were duped all along into thinking she cared for you? It's just that you said "How do you hurt someone who has been there for you so long like this?" I know when my BF and I separated I questioned whether I'd been wrong about him and us all along. You don't need to discount the love you once shared - it wasn't built all at once, it didn't end that way either (although it probably feels like it). After some time has passed, you'll probably be able to look back and see red flags - warning signs that something was going wrong in the relationship. Usually the signals are there, but the relationship comes apart slowly and because it's a gradual change, it's hard to notice at the time. Don't beat yourself up wishing you'd noticed the signs - hindsight is always 20/20, you did the best you could at the time - but make mental notes so the same situations can be avoided in your next relationship.<P>The human heart has an amazing capacity to heal and you can love again! Just hang in there...

Today is my birthday. The first one she has been in the states for in 2 years. She always said that we would spend it together. Now she is not here. <P>She took the GRE today and did very well and I was the first person she wanted to share it with so she called me at work. She also called this AM to wish me a happy birthday. Hearing her voice is so hard. It makes me incredibly sad. We had so many plans together. Marriage, children, trips, growing old together. Now it is all gone.<P>I cannot see the end of us. Cannot imagine life without her. It feels all wrong.<P>I am meeting her tomorrow about half way between the two town we live in. We are going to say our goodbyes. I don't know what to expect from that?? I want to share the rest of my life with her.<P>How did you and your BF make it through your seperation? What brought you back together??<P>Her and I will be seperated by 200 miles if she goes back to school and I do not think I will ever see her again unless I run into her by accident. =(<P>I want to stay in touch with her but at the same time it is so painful to hear her voice that I usually break down after I hear it. If there is all this distance and silence between us how will she remember what we had. <P>I pray to God to guide her and restore our love for each other. <P>Just yesterday we were IMing each other and she said she was so sad b/c of all the plans we had made for our lives together. Said she still loved me. Why is she doing this?? I am so confused, so lost. Do I wait for her?? What do I do??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOM!<P>I hope you have family and friends close by to share your day with - I almost hope you don't read this before tomorrow, because you're too busy celebrating your birthday...<P>Meeting tomorrow to say your good-byes? OUCH. I'm not sure if the separation my BF and I went through is comparable but here's what happened:<P>He dumped me, hard. I was against the separation from the beginning but he didn't really give me any choice. At first, I was pathetic. I'd call him and try to talk him into getting back together - I felt like he'd put up this wall between us that if I could only get through, I could make him see the mistake he was making. I got enough mixed messages from him to keep up hope - throughout the 16 months we were apart - that we'd one day get back together. After three or four months I backed off a bit and ended up doing Plan A, although I didn't call it that at the time because then I had never heard of Marriage Builders or Steve Harley. You can read all about Plan A in the Q+A. It basically involves avoiding LB as completely as possible and meeting your partner's EN as completely as possible while remaining as cheery as possible... I for one have found that doing Plan A for a year gave me some pretty deep emotional scars that have been difficult to heal once the relationship was back together - but I can't complain too much because he is back. Basically, by doing Plan A you do as much as possible to make your partner's time with you as great as possible for them, which refills their Love Bank but can end up depleting yours.<P>In the end it was more than just Plan A that brought us back together. After we had been apart for 14 months, he left town for the summer. He left in the second week of June and would be back the third week in August, with no way for me to contact him during that time (he was on tour with a drum corps). By this time we had established a tentative friendship, and I dreaded facing the long summer, afraid the time apart would squish our new friendship like a bug. But the time apart ended up being the best thing that ever happened to us... by the end of July I was getting postcards from him, and when he got back in August he told me he'd missed me so much that he knew our break-up had been a mistake.<P>So, for the first 14 months I was afraid of the old cliche "Out of sight, out of mind"... but by being out of his life during that summer he had the opportunity to realize what life apart was like (which he didn't have the first 14 months because I was still hanging around). And he decided on his own that life apart wasn't what he wanted. If I hadn't done Plan A for months first, he might not have missed me when he was away for the summer, because my having done that gave him good things to remember about me instead of the negative things he might have focused on if he'd had time away from me immediately after my break-up. Having not done it any other way, I don't know what the outcome would've been... <P>One thing I really benefited from is that we're both students at the same university, and we only lived a block or two apart during the academic year. The opportunity to Plan A isn't there as much if you're further apart.<P>I'm afraid I haven't been very helpful so far, but I hope some of this helps you rethink your worries about "If there is all this distance and silence between us how will she remember what we had." Sometimes, distance and silence speaks to the heart the loudest.<P>The fact that she called you twice today - once in the morning because it's your b-day and once because of the GRE, and the fact that she IM'd you yesterday that she's sad to lose your plans for a life together and still loves you - sounds to me like maybe she's on the fence a little. I'm ashamed to admit to this, but once, after we'd first gotten back together, I dumped my BF - that's right, the guy I'd just worked so hard to get back! Because I felt like he didn't really want to be with me on his own, that we were together because I'd finally "convinced" him... well, the next day he called me and asked me not to leave him, and that restored my security and I realized I hadn't really wanted to lose him either.<P>If I were you, when you meet your GF tomorrow, I would tell her the things you posted, as calmly as possible. Tell her you love her, don't want to lose her and lose your mutual plans for the future. Tell her you found a website that's taught you a few things, and that you realize now you weren't meeting her emotional needs but that you want to learn to do so. Tell her you want to stay together, but if she says no that you'll respect that. Then actually say the words... ask her to stay. You're free to disregard this advice if you want, I can't guarantee it'll "work", but what it will do is give you some closure... these mixed signals she's sending might be her way of saying "my love bank is empty and I need to be swept off my feet" and then again she may be very serious and resolute in ending the relationship... but my opinion is, if you don't try you'll never know what might've happened if you had.<P>If she says no, the two of you need to decide together whether to maintain a friendship... I know what you mean about it being so hard just to hear her voice. If you want to stay friends, a month or two with no contact may give the wounds a chance to heal, after which it might be easier to talk as friends, but it's up to you...<P>I'll be praying for you. Please let me know how it turns out. The most important thing I realized when dealing with my BF during our separation was that, because we were apart, I constantly felt like the current time I was talking to him was going to be the last. That was never true, it was just a twist in my perception... whether you take my advice or not, whether you say your goodbyes or not, you will talk to her again.<P>Good luck my friend.

this was a duplicate.<p>[This message has been edited by younglove (edited March 17, 2000).]

I do not know if this is true but it feels like she left me for this other guy. I feel so betrayed, so cheated. I was so devoted to my GF for the time that we were together and especially while she was gone in the Peace Corps. <P>Why did we stay togehter for so long?? Why does she now have these doubts?? Why did she want to stay together when she left for the PC? All these questions haunt me. I have no answers for them. <P>The two years that she was gone were so extremely difficult for me. I can't tell you many times I cried myself to sleep b/c I missed her so much. My heart holds on, telling me that she will come back after thinking it through but my mind is telling me otherwise. My mind has been correct about everything that has happened so far. Not only that, but when she makes a decision she does not waver from it no matter what. We have lost each other forever, haven't we?? <P>I cannot imagine not being able to speak with her or hold her hand but that is the reality of this situation. I am so happy for her that she did so well on the GRE. I was the first person she called after it was over to tell me. She sounded so happy. I tried to be excited for her but at the same time it killed me. Why would she call me first? Was there no one else to talk to? I knew that I was no longer part of the journey with her. I was destined to watch as she went by me and left me behind. <P>I am having trouble letting go of the last 4 years. Is there any advice you can give me?? There are times that it hits me so hard I feel like I cannot breath or think. There is so much pain right now.

duplicate<p>[This message has been edited by ericstm (edited March 21, 2000).]

Hi Eric-<P>Did you meet with her on Saturday? What happened?<P>I think you are right in acknowledging that, for now at least, it is time to move on. I wish I could give you the answers you seek - I know how much it hurts to have this hole in your heart and not even understand how and why. If it helps, especially right now, realize that if you two stay in touch a reconciliation may happen sometime in the future. Sometimes I think it's not enough to find the right person, we have to find them at the right time - and perhaps now just isn't that time. <P>My best advice: allow yourself to grieve. The relationship has ended, and in some ways that feels like a "death" - the death of future plans, the death of our beliefs about the relationship and its course. Too often, I think, people are encouraged - by well meaning family and friends - to "get over it" long before they're ready. Ours is not a culture that appreciates grieving. (Remember last spring when those students were killed in Colorado? On the news reports that day after the shootings, anchormen were already talking about "closure"). If you broke your leg, you would rest and allow those close to you to help you. You wouldn't expect to feel 100% again for weeks. The same is true of a broken heart. There's a difference between feeling pain and clinging to it, and feeling it is healthy - only by experiencing your feelings fully can they ever be released.<P>It might make you feel better to do something to commemmorate the relationship. This might sound silly, but think of the importance of funerals to the family of one who died. Rent a movie you both enjoyed, retrace the path of a walk you took together, whatever holds significance for you. <P>Consider counseling to help you move through your grief in a healthy way. Sometimes, it can help just to know that there's time set aside in a week to talk about your feelings with someone who cares and listens. <P>Set little goals for yourself in your own life (related to work, fitness, anything that improves you alone). Go to the gym every other day for a month. Finally sort through a big messy closet. Doing things for yourself will help you rebuild your life one baby step at a time.<P>Know that one day, you will find yourself madly in love with someone else - I know, it doesn't feel possible right now - but it will happen, and then, you'll thank your ex-GF for giving you the opportunity to meet and be with this new person, while recognizing the ex-GF's contributions to your life without pain. It will happen!

Tom-<P>how are you doing? please post!