Keridwen,<BR> I was soooo happy when I saw you respond to all of the people in here that really do CARE about you. I was struck hard by your post. I am in danger of losing my 49 year old mother to cancer. I feel so helpless in that matter. in you, I saw a way to intervene. Your life, as are all other lives, is precious. A gift, so to say. You being on this planet is why your children have life. The good deeds you do for others, no matter how minute, affects them and all around them in profound ways. Sounds a bit dramatic, eh? Look at *this* though, you have already made an impact on me and everyone else here.<BR> I'm very glad that you are going for help. I hope that you build yourself up and get angry! That's right get mad! How dare your H reduce you to this point. YOU show him that you will survive, with OR without him! You are especially important to 3 young people. Make them proud!<BR> Some many people are rooting for you. We all CARE! Otherwise, we wouldn't have bothered to answer your cry for help. <BR> Keep us up-dated, hon.... we will be thinking and worrying about you, so don't scare us by disappearing, k?<BR> Mynabird

((((Keri)))))<P>No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.<BR> <BR>Cat

Oh I know exactly how you are feeling. I have to admit I have been there and done that. It is not something I thought I would ever think of doing, but it happened. Almost like you, my H came home and told me it was over and lied about being with the OW. I took too many pills and ended up at the hospital. I don't have any kids but I did realize what I did was wrong and only ended up hurting the people I loved. Maybe I thought it would be a wake up call to my H but unfortunately for me it only pushed him closer to the OW.<P>Don't let this OW run your life. If only I could take my own advice. But I have been down that road and believe me it isn't the way out. For me it also allowed the OW to learn of this dark secret of mine because she works at the hospital I was taken to. Had I not taken the pills it would not be here to haunt me today what she knows about me. <P>Please think long and hard about what you are doing. Nobody is worth your life and you have kids to think about.

Keridwen,<P>I'm so sorry for you, I can't imagine how painful it must be. Please look after yourself. Hard as it may be, try to step back and get some distance from your husband. <P>It may seem that he just wants you around to hurt you, but remember he is in a very different frame of mind than you. A man (or woman) having an affair is extremely self-centered. It's hard, if not impossible for him to realize the enormity of his actions and the pain he causes others.<P>Tell him calmly that his actions are hurting you and your son. It sounds like Plan B may be the best option for you now. Please get some counselling and support for yourself.<P>God bless you,<BR>Kenneth

I really am not in a position to give any advice but you responded to me yesterday when I was "on the brink" and so I wanted to return the favor.<P>You said it is so hard to even breathe. I have thought that exact phrase. I can't even lay down at night because I feel like it constricts my breathing. All I can say is - thank God that breathing is involuntary or we would probably be gone already. The GOOD NEWS is that today I have not even had to try to breathe. It will get easier for you too. <P>Yesterday I just had to keep thinking about my children and how they would always blame themselves and think if I had loved them enough I would want to have stayed around. Of course, we both know that it doesn't have to do with how much you love your children - it has to do with the unbearable pain. But your children don't know that and would never understand that.<P> Please, please post your feelings. I had no idea that I was not the only one who had felt so desperate. And to see that others do get over that means so much. I HOPE I DID NOT HAVE A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU YESTERDAY. I AM GLAD I AM HERE TODAY, believe it or not. I care about you. I will be praying for you.

I can't believe all of you. I am sitting here crying, tears rolling down my cheeks reading the things you have written. Just to let you know, I appreciate it. At least I have people here who care. My therapist called me and rescheduled my appointment for tonight. She made me promise her not to kill myself. I promised I wouldn't. I know some people think that being/feeling suicidal is selfish, but I can tell you, all you feel is pain and suffering. Honestly, yesterday all I was thinking was how much it hurt and how much I wanted it to end. I don't know if my therapist will put me in the hospital or not, but I promised not to do it so I'll keep that promise. I can't understand how someone I (still) love so much can inflict this much pain. He cannot be the person I married. For DI in particular, please don't feel responsible. Your post had nothing to do with my actions. Thank you all so much for your support...I really appreciate it.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<BR> I'm so glad that you will be getting help. <BR> Please, post here whenever you feel the need to. We are always here. We care, and we can relate to what you are feeling. Yes, it is so hard to understand why someone you love would hurt you. I well remember wondering the same exact thing. It truely does get easier to deal with. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings, but the pain really does fade, after a while. I'm living proof! Even though my marriage ended, I survived. Believe it or not, (for me) I am in a much better place now, emotionally. Give yourself time to grieve, but please don't ever think that death is a viable option. <BR> One more thing, don't give your husband any more episodes to use against you. Unfortunately, there are some really heartless b@st@rds out there who have done just that!<BR> (((((((((((((Keridwen)))))))))))))<BR>Sending prayers to heaven for u, Mynabird

Keridwen,<P>I am glad to hear of the promise you made to your therapist. Now make that same promise to yourself. Okay?<BR>I know the devestation and pain that comes with berayal. I have prayed for a well timed verring logging truck or a patch of black ice right next to a high cliff. The overwhelming pain does pass. Even while my Husband was still involved with the OW I had gotten to a point where I was ready to move on either way. I am not saying that it didn't hurt anymore but the pain wasn't all encompassing.<BR>Please make that promise to yourself. There is a good life out there for you. It may be with your H or it may be with somebody else. <BR>Love those kids and love yourself. My kids are what kept me going on the hardest days.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <P>P.S. You've got mail (I hope you don't mind I got your address from your post) <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited March 28, 2000).]

Keridwen, Look very deep within yourself and realize that just as an affair or betrayal is not the right thing to do, neither is suicide. <P>I feel all of the same emotions as you, plus I am dealing with the depression of my 11 year old daughter. She is seeing a counselor. <P>You really have to think of your kids. I remember asking a friend how God could allow something as painful as this happen to my kids. She said "We don't know what God has in store for your kids in the future. Maybe your children seeing your faith and strenghth will be the thing that gets them through life." I think of that everyday as I am dealing with the lonliness and pain that the man that I trusted and loved and was faithful to for 13 years has thrown my way!!!!!. <P>Remember also, this is a time for you to grow, a time to rediscover that you are a unique being of God. I will pray for you and your children. (and your husband)

Keridwen<P>I've been thinking of you all day.Have one last post to make before running errands.<P>Keridwen, suicide is a MAJOR LOVEBUSTER. Let the other woman do the love busting, Okay? In fact pray that she does it....pray that she becomes so repulsive to your husband that he won't be able to stand the sound of her voice. I've tried it before...and it happened that way.<P>In the mean time, you put your make-up on<BR>and the biggest smile you can muster under the circumstances. Try it tommorrow when he takes you to see your therapist. <P>Love and prayers <BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Psalm 42

Ker,<BR>I'm praying for God to be with you and give you strength and peace. I'll be praying all evening for you, please take care.<P>Blessings, <BR>AW

Keridwen,<P>I'm thinking of you, and hugging you.<BR> <BR>Good girl, for getting through another day. That's how you will do it, one day at a time, and then it will be one week at a time, and then you will have done it.....<P>The pain will have lessened, you won't feel so raw, and you will have things to look forward to. Your children primarily.<P>Please keep posting, you have someone down under who is worried about you. I will keep checking to make sure you're ok.<P>BTW - I understand EVERYTHING you have said. I have felt everything you are feeling. I didn't get as far, but I planned it.<P>Have a long hot shower, put a bit of makeup on, your prettiest outfit, and smile like you have never smiled before. When H comes to pick you up. As someone else said, that is your best revenge. Let him see that you are a beautiful woman, who is worth so much, and who thinks that she is worth something. (Save the unattractive nightie, socks, daggy underwear and no makeup for a later time!!!!!!!) That is a story of mine that has been posted here, but now is not the time....... I think it would make you laugh tho.....just imagine......<P>thinking of you my friend<P>Jo

Hi K7,<P>You <B>are</B> feeling awful right now. You <B>are</B> feeling broken. You <B>WILL</B> get through this with flying colours.<P>Right now you find it hard to see how your actions would impact those around you - you just want the pain to end <B>NOW</B>. Take a tiny little baby step away from those feelings and relish in all of the good things that you <B>HAVE</B> been to your kids. Of course you are feeling guilty that you are there in body but not in mind for them right now - you are going through he11!!!!! Be strong - know that all of the raw emotions are very fresh. As with every other experience you have had in your life, the good, the bad, the ugly - time has a way of making things better.<P>Think about tomorrow - when you <B>will</B> laugh with your kids again, when you <B>will</B> be able to have fun, smile and play games with them. Tomorrow may seem a long way off sometimes but it <B>is</B> there. You can make your tomorrows better than you had ever dreamed for you and your family. <P>Vent, cry, hit pillows, <B>let it all out</B> here or anywhere but on you. When you are done with each vent, smile and go for ice cream with your kids Don't let it eat you inside - please let it all out!<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Hi everyone.<P>Well, I made it through another day. I went to my therapist last night and she wanted to admit me to the hospital, but I wouldn't let her. She let me go home on the condition that someone stay with me for the night. H stayed. This morning he got up and said he wants to stay and work on our marriage, but I think he's just staying because he's afraid I will kill myself. I feel beyond that now. It's not that I am not sad, but I realize dying won't solve anything. It will only make things worse for the people I love the most. I am just so tired. I don't even know how to describe it. Bone tired. More tired than I ever remember being before. Even after having my 3rd C-section with 2 toddlers running around I didn't feel this tired. My therapist said I could change my mind today and go into the hospital voluntarily. I don't know what to do. I want my marriage to work but not because I might hurt myself. What do I do? Should I go in the hospital for a few days? Should I let H continue to stay at the house? He says he will break it off with the OW within the next couple of days, but he wants me TOTALLY out of that process. It makes me think he is going to leave a window open for her somewhere. Please help me. What should I do?<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Dear Keri,<P>I'm so glad you and your husband have turned the corner. Life will get better, the pain will stop. Believe in yourself.<P>One thing you can do is read the section here on "Plan A/Plan B". It sounds like your H is ready for Plan A. He is going to work on the relationship and break off contact with the OW. He is right, let him do that, you should stay out of it. <P>You have an important role to play in your Plan A, and that is no love-busting. It will be hard, and you should get help. Get some marriage counceling, either here with Dr. Harley or someone in your town. But do it, it will help both of you kepp focused.<P>Good luck,<BR>Kenneth<BR>

Keridwen,<P>I'm so glad you are still with us. <P>If you have ANY SHRED of suicidal thoughts left, I think you should check in. What if H tells you something terrible today, would the suicidal feelings return? Think about it.<P>If you are <B>absolutely certain</B> you are past that, then let's talk about what to do next.<P>Keeping the door open to maintain a relationship with OW is not acceptable. To work on your marriage he has to [commit] to your relationship 100%. No room for the OW. No fence riding. No backup plan. Because rebuilding is tough, and OW represents the path of least resistance. He can't "just remain friends". It is perfectly fair for you to draw this line.<P>Yes, it would be very unsatisfying for H to stay just because of your suicide threats - you would always be wondering. When you are emotionally stable enough to do so, talk frankly about this with him, with the counselor to help you if needed. For this to work his motivation must be to save the relationship for its own sake.<P>It is OK for you to set some boundaries. H is making bad choices, being immature, risking hurting the people he should be protecting and loving. That's his mistake and does not reflect on your value. You don't need to become a doormat to fix this either.<P>Work with your counselor on setting up the environment in such a way that you maintain your emotional stability, retain some dignity, and start working at repairing the relationship. You are <B>NOT</B> powerless!<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Are you ok hon? How did your apt go?<P>Hang in there. Think about those 3 precious angels God blessed you with.<P>{{{{Keridwen}}}}

Hi Keri,<P>Thought I would pop in just to let you know you are NOT alone. Many of us on this board have been in your place. We KNOW what it feels like. But, I'm here to tell you that it WILL get better. You WILL survive this. <P>I was close to getting admitted myself when I dragged my sorry a$$ into the doctor's office a week after discovery to get a prescription for meds. I had to wait an hour to see the doctor and by the time I saw her, I was pretty worked up. She immediately had me go to a "clinic" for psychological problems. They took my insurance card AND my driver's license! I was expecting a couple of big burly guys in white coats to come rushing into the room with a straight jacket. It was pretty scary!! Anyway, my insurance wasn't so good at the time, so they turned me loose. I really think that's the only reason they let me go!! I started on Zoloft that day, and it's really helped me to calm down, and clearly think things through.<P>You need to concentrate on YOU right now and do what is best for Keri. Your number one priority is Keri, NOT H, NOT your marriage. It will be hard to do because as women, we are taught to put everyone else first. But, that's gotta change. RIGHT NOW!!! It sounds to me, from your description of fatigue, that you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Do whatever it takes to step back from the situation, and get some rest. If that means going into the hospital, then DO IT!! If you can do it some other way, then DO IT!! Give yourself a break. You need it, and you deserve it.<P>My prayers and thoughts are with you. Hang in there. Like I said, it DOES get better.

Keridwen<BR>Take him up on his offer!!! I know it's hard when you think he is staying for the wrong<BR>reasons from your viewpoint ....but it's an<BR>opportunity. It might be a good idea to use it.<P>Then Plan A it....give it your best shot.<P>The two of you working together on your marraige is best for you, him, and your children. In that case, his motives are irrelevant. <P>I know what you mean about being tired...<BR>seems like it is more emotional than anything. But, I feel like that when I don't know what to do and tiredness lifts when I have a direction to head towards. Sometimes just taking one step in a direction helps me. What do you think?<P>Keep smiling ....Okay? This too will pass.<P>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Psalm 42

My opinion - go to the Hospital. The tiredness you feel is deep depression. This depression isn't going to lift with H being home. He is a constant reminder right now of your distrust. His telling you he doesn't want you involved only reinforces that.<P>You can get some rest in the hospital, get on some meds, and get some counselling in an environment that is neutral. You won't have to defend yourself, you don't need to be afraid.<P>Otherwise, between your depression and his smothering, you may say or do things you could regret.<P>Just my .02