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Joined: May 1999
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Renee -<P>Calm down woman!!! Take some deep breaths....<P>Take a step back from your "hurting and anger" for a moment..<P>What is it that you really want answers for?<P>Is it: <BR>Why does he not hurt like I do? <BR>Why doesn't he suffer from his wife and others knowing the truth? <BR>Why the hell did I do this? <BR>Why did I think I loved this guy and why did I think he loved me? <BR>Why the heck am I thinking about his problems when I am trying to fix my own?<P>If so - here's some answers:<P>Because he didn't feel that "love" the same way you did.<BR>Because he is not willing to face what he has done and is a coward.<BR>Because you were in need of something and did not know what else to do to get that need filled.<BR>You NEEDED to feel loved and you were ripe to accept his offerings...It is all part of the fantasy of infidelity. All you saw was what you needed - he saw what he wanted!!<BR>Your thinking about his end of things because you need to believe that you were not used..that you could never do that to yourself.<P>Do these come close to what you are feeling?<P>How about changing to:<P>How much have I learned about myself, my husband and our marriage through this?<P>What led to my feelings of loneliness and despair in the first place?<P>Have I shared what my view of the problems were with H and have we come to a better understanding of each other's needs?<P>What will it take to keep us on the right track with our communication so that something like this never happens again?<P>How lucky am I that the events unfolded this way and I am so fortunate to have a husband I can tell the truth to and how good of a person am I that I can be honest?<P>Which set of answers do you think would benefit you more? Or which do you need more?<P>You are a good person, Renee - no need to go down any vengeance trail. Humans can make choices. You have made a very good one in being true to yourself and keeping an honest character. <P>That's a good thing....I, for one, am very proud of you for that. What an accomplishment in a world where "only live once" is the motto for doing something we know is wrong and would end up hurting us.<P>BIG HUGS, Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba <BR>

Joined: Mar 2000
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Notice I am the Queen of Fools - I understand what you are saying!<BR>We WERE fools, but we aren't anymore, right? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>The desire for revenge will pass - you will find that he is not worth the time nor the effort. Try to focus the attention and energy on your husband instead. I know it is hard and I know it hurts like hell!<P>Show him that you are moving on with your life without him, and that you are happier than you have ever been. This is the best revenge [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Joy

Joined: Apr 2000
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Renee,<P>I truly feel for you. When I started reading all the posts on these boards I felt worse. The more I read the more I got the impression that it was normal for the OP to have this intense withdrawl...well, it rang true for me, but not for the OM. It does hurt. The OM told me that I was the most important thing in his life, he loved me, and stupidly, I believed him. I am old enough to know better, but I did it anyway. <P>I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but I never thought he would just let go without looking back unless he had be lying from the very start. I have been in counseling for four months trying to deal with what I did, and dealing with its aftermath. I agree, it has been hell and the hurt is crippling at times. In my case, I had tried many times to break it off, but he OM would never let go. He did when his W found out...he disappeared without a word. For some reason, I never wanted revenge. I just hope he hurts as much as I do. I hope his wife is giving him a hard time, because she should be for all of the lies she must have heard. I, too, feel off the wagon and wrote him, but he never responded. I was hurt all over again. The best thing to do is do your best to keep busy, get help if you can, and fight the temptation for revenge. Getting on with your life is the best revenge...and learning something from this horrible experience. If you learned something good or bad, it wasn't a total disaster. Keep praying for guidance and take it a day at a time.<P><BR>[<BR>

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Why does a part of me still want the revenge? Is that just part of it? I only thought that pyshco paths only wanted the revenge. <BR>Well, Im sure it will be all over town and she will find out. So their is no need to worry. When she finds out, it will be when everything is running smoothly. Then he comes home and she is in a rage. There will be no repairing that onw. She will have to hear from a friend of a friend. You know how that goes. And her friend has already caught us at the park. And of course, he fixed that real fast, You know he would never so that. All that crap they come up with to lie about.<P>You know that she has to have an idea. How could she not? <P>Thanks for all the support!<BR>Renee

Joined: Aug 1999
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inamess,<P>Just wanted you to know that I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying...the desire to emotionally hurt the OM, the anger over feeling rejected and used and thrown away...all of it! I too went through major withdrawal and felt like the OM could care less. After he told me he loved me and was his best friend I couldn't understand how he could so easily just walk away with NEVER speaking to me again. There were SO many times I wanted to contact him...sooooo many. But, I knew that it would only hurt me more. So, I suffered through the hurt and those urges to contact him dwindled.<P>My husband knew about the affair and he was great in allowing me to just about "cry on his shoulder" over the OM...that's real love right there.<P>I know now, although I still think of the OM and sometimes still wish I would have had a chance to have the "affair" die a natural death, that my husband is really the better man for me. <P>Please know that you aren't alone in your feelings and things will get better...just give it time and NO CONTACT.<P>Pam

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inamess,<P>Just wanted you to know that I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying...the desire to emotionally hurt the OM, the anger over feeling rejected and used and thrown away...all of it! I too went through major withdrawal and felt like the OM could care less. After he told me he loved me and was his best friend I couldn't understand how he could so easily just walk away with NEVER speaking to me again. There were SO many times I wanted to contact him...sooooo many. But, I knew that it would only hurt me more. So, I suffered through the hurt and those urges to contact him dwindled.<P>My husband knew about the affair and he was great in allowing me to just about "cry on his shoulder" over the OM...that's real love right there.<P>I know now, although I still think of the OM and sometimes still wish I would have had a chance to have the "affair" die a natural death, that my husband is really the better man for me. <P>Please know that you aren't alone in your feelings and things will get better...just give it time and NO CONTACT.<P>Pam

Joined: Jun 1999
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The up side of confessing? You found out that he wasn't worth it after all. Confessing also makes it more difficult to sneak around and meet him again for more pain. If the OM is humming along swimmingly without any consequences, then chances are that he's going to use the same lines on the next vulnerable female.<P>Have you ever read the entire Bible from cover to cover? What about just the New Testament? The Gospels? Most people just listen to sermons. Now would be a great time to do it to take your mind off things.<P>Phillipians 3:13<BR>1 Timothy 5:6<BR>

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Inamess<P>I can certainly relate to your anger and frustration. I was a betrayer also and I think you are feeling this way because you didn't have control on the situation.<P>Your hurt because the OM seems to show no remorse and could care less. This is a very humiliating feeling-believe me I know. <P>You feel so used and rejected and sooooo stupid because you fell for all those lines the OM told you.<P>Your thinking I got nyself in that situation so that I could feel like this????? <P>You feel shame and guilt and constantly question yourself "how could I have done this? it's so not worth it!"<P>Your angry because here you are trying to make things right and your having to go through all the steps when the whole time he's acting like it never happened.<P>Don't worry your feelings of revenge and anger will fade over time. Just work on you and your H thats all that matters.<P>As for his W finding out I wouldn't worry about it because right now you already have so many other things to consentrate on. It's soooooo not worth your time and energy.<P>And this too shall pass...<P>Just my 2 cents<P>Reina

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Thanks so much for all the support. I will get over it. I know that. I just hate the fool feeling. To think that I protected him from my H. And I also deleted the message on my phone to keep her from calling and hearing it.<BR>This is the thanks I get. Oh Well!<BR>Thank God I have a good H.<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee <BR>

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How can I keep this from ruling my life? This is all that is on my mind. I feel so weak now. I cant tell H. I cant do this roller coaster again. I know H can tell something is worng. I am so distant.<BR>Renee

Joined: Oct 1999
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Inamess<P>My w has had a EA thatturned to PA & she to keep thinking of OM. She to was lied to & reject once OM W found out. I have been very supportive for her during this entire mess.<P>My Question is if OM lied & only used her why does she still think about Him & the good times they had. She tells me now how much she loves me & that she is greatfull to have me. But she still thinks of OM. This hurts so very much. I fell that i keep giving & giving & would like her to be dreaming of me again. I know what i was not always their for her & have changed my life around completely. & plan to keep it up. I feer that i OM would suddenly have a change of heart that she would go back. If she keeps thinking of OM is she still wanting to be with him. <P>I know you can not tell me what she is thinking but you have been in her same place. It is so very hard nowing that the women you love is also still in love with some one else. Especialy a man who has lied & rejected her. & i who have remained faithful & comfert her during her hard times of missing OM is still second in her heart. If any of you W who have betrayed & come back to your H's can offer me any advice on what to do or not do i would appreciate your help. All i want to do is love my wife & have her love return for me & not have to compete with this dream or fantasy that she has about OM.<P>Thank you<P> LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>

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Lotsofhope,<P>I can tell you this for sure. The main thing is, that your there for her. Right now this is hell for her. I know you cant imagine why she has these feelings for OM. He lied and rejected her. That makes it even harder. My OM w didnt find out. She doesnt know yet. <BR>All your w is thinking right now is all the good things that she and Om had. He probably found her at the most vulnerable time in her life. When you are lonely and vulnerable, you can only see what you are starving for. I am a firm beleiver in that. My Om knew I was vulnerable. HE took advantage of it to. <P>It has been 4 months since I ended the affair. I am starting to have the feelings for H. I am starting to fall in love with him again. He to is in the same position you are in. She will get those feelings for you back. When she does you will probably be thankful for the OM. Atleast my H is. My H said he never doubted my love for him. However, I never gave him what I do now. My H is so happy right now. He says he doesnt think he has been this happy ever in our marriage. <P>I did make contact with OM. I had a dream about him the night before and that always makes it worse. She has to be strong. Let her learn from my mistake. NO CONTACT AT ALL. She will think that she is strong enough to call him up and see how he is. She will not be strong enough. I know your thikning how can you ladies do that? I really cant answer that. Except for the fact they fed us what we had been starving for, for years. This is an addiction. I was so addicted that I didnt know what way was up. We are into stock and alot of business things. I was putting all that I had worked for and earned on the line for this CREEP. All OM and his W had was a house. I had alot of investments on the line. Not to mention 2 houses and one that we where building. That was how bad it was. I thought I was so in love. And I was in love. But now I can see that I would have probably been in love with anyone that met my needs.<P>This is a very hard road for the both of you. Especially her. I know that for a fact. Not to say this isnt harder for you. I just know what it is like to love your H. But be inlove with another man. He has filled her mind with all this garbage. He just said everything that she wanted you to say. I can just about promise that. <P>Fill me in on your situation. How long has she been in withdrawal? How long has the affair been in the open? Did she confess to you?<P>Prayers are with you<BR>Youll be so happy you done this!<BR>Renee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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The betraying woman is in love with the way the OM made her feel. Period. She wants the feeling back. He was the only source of that feeling that she so desperately wanted in the first place.<P>Not much different from the little girl that keeps making excuses for her deadbeat Dad and all his obviously horrid qualities, fantasizing that somehow she will eventually get some morsels of his love.<BR>

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Inamess:<P> Thank you so much for your reply. My w started the affair about june 1999. I asked her what was wrong on sep 17, 1999 she then told me about OM. She left for the weekend & came home & told me that she wanted to work on marriage. We started counsling that week.<P> W & OM work together still do. After one month i plan A. all that i could & asked her if she could commit to the marriage. She told me she could not that she loved OM & did not love me the same any more. So i asked her to move out & she did. We talked some over the next month mostly about the kids but sometimes she would tell me she missed me. But she was still in love with OM.<P> A little over a month passed & i finaly found OM phone number. Called his W & told her all about the Affair. She whent to work & confronted both of them. OM Told his W right infornt of my W that my W was only a mistake. That he never wanted her to leave me & he was tring to find a way to get out of this mess he had got himslf into. My W then called me & asked if she could come home. I said yes aslong as we whent back to Councling. She said yes & so she came home in Dec.<P> I thout things were doing well. I was being there for her all the time. Talking to her & sharing my feelings with her. We shared alot during that month. Well along comes Christmas & my W decides that she wants OM back. She decided that if they had sex that he would relise what he was missing. So she seduced him. She told me that it was all her doing & to please not call OM W. That OM wife would get her fired. <P>I died that day all over again. I thout every thing she told me was true. That he was there for her when i was not. That she had to prove that she could get him back if she wanted to. The hardest part was reading how exciting it was to be with him. & that it was raley that exciting to be with me. She says that it was only because it was new not that he was better. Well i told her that i was leaving That i cauld never trust her again. She begged & pleaded & for me not to leave. She swor to god that she would never do that again. So we started recover all over again. <P> We talk almost every night now. I still get hurt over little things even to day. She said that she wished she did not get married so young. So i asked her does that meen you regret being married she said no just wish she had time to be on her own. <P> I dont get things. She tells me that she loves me so much. That she fills so happy that i am so commited to her. But she still talks about OM & missing him. Tells me she wishes she had time on her own. before we got married. But that she loves being married. I get so confused from day to day. <BR>I get tired of being hurt over & over again. <P> I love my W dearly but dont know where this is leading to. I am so tired of hurting i just want it to stop. I know there are people who have been doing this for years my hats off to them. <P> Thanks for listing to my story. reading from your point of veiw was great please respond or ask any other Questions hearing from your view really helps.<P><BR> Thank you so much<P> LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>

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