If things settle down I vote for a very brief appearance at the party with an excuse for why you have to leave early - kid's event, another party, family get together, etc. I don't think either of you need to linger and feel uncomfortable , but the entrance and statement is needed. I agree with the earlier statement - I've lurked for months and you truely are remarkable.

Lor,<P>Wow. It really seems that your husband is scared of any type of intimacy here. You show feelings, he pulls away. You pull back, he tries to get closer. It's a pattern for him it seems. But unfortunately, marriage cannot be game playing where one partner is always "elusive". Again, an issue that your husband really needs to seek help for. You've done so much to try to help him, what a wonderful person. He has to look back on this and realize this. Really, I am at a a loss tonight for what I've read.

Oh, Lor. I don't know what to say. The pattern seems to be repeating again. Now that you're no longer "hard to get", his interest is waning. Something is still not right here.<P>You can't spend your entire married life being elusive with him. I'm wracking my brain trying to think of what you can do to break the pattern and get him past the hump. And I do think it's a past the hump issue. Once he gets a few weeks into this, the benefits should self-perpetuate the behavior (I really believe this).<P>What insights do you have as to why he might be doing this? Before he had the affair, were there other times where he pulled back like this? If so, what got him past that? How have you "kissed and made up" in your past? Maybe there are some clues here on how to work with him differently.<P>Someone else asked if he's still taking the medications. Is he doing anything regarding personal counseling?<P>It's just so hard to get inside his mind.<P>On the issue of the party, I'd be inclined to skip it altogether (both of you). My perception is this time period is like the first couple of weeks of dieting. You need to do whatever you have to to get past the really difficult part. Once you're there, it's much easier to continue on. Does that make sense? If not, I'm suggesting that the two of you avoid places/things that could trigger problems in his commitment until he gets solidly past the wavering.<P>I'm so sorry about this Lor. I'll pray for the best.

Thank you all for your support. I'm at a loss, currently in a "do nothing" holding pattern until our counselling appt. tomorrow. Our counselor will advise the line in the sand 100% marriage or divorce--we've tried everything else. If H won't go...I think my head will blow up. (not really, just feeling a lot of grrrr.)<P>Sherrilyn--He definitely feels guilt, he told me he hasn't felt worthy of me, but had decided he wanted to come home because he wanted our marriage and family. I don't know where that certainty disappeared to.<P>Faithfully--if you figure out the lesson, let me know! (Unless it is developing patience and trust in the Lord...I've got that part)<P>SamH--H knows I was beginning to move on. He knows the reconciliation was almost too late (my relationship with male friend was getting to the escalation point--but I wasn't allowing more than friendship). So, for H to pull away now...maybe it is a test? But I don't feel like being tested...after 20 months of this, I've already got the advanced degree diploma .<P>POGP--I don't listen much to Christian radio, I'm trying to keep abreast of my 14 year old's listening tastes. But I'm familiar with the Biblical "fall and get up again".<P>Kate--your proposal is a good one, but he's refusing to go, and as long as he doesn't go without me, I COULD live with that.<P>Connor & Distressed--you both addressed "the dance". My H & I are both aware of what we call the "cycle" or "death spiral", we spoke of it yesterday. At the moment I'm trying to dig in and neither confront or pursue him, despite the crying Mon.night. I certainly can't stop his dance away from me, but I can refuse to play the game. Thank you both for your kind words.<P>Like my counselor told me last summer "Your life sucks, Lor." (This from a Christian counselor who was a pastor for 9 years...) Even though true, it makes me laugh a bit, coming from him.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>