I am ready to jump off this roller coaoster of life. This has been the most horrible experience in my life. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I never ever would have thought this.<P>Do you think you get weaker as time goes on? I find myself looking to see if men are looking? Am I a whore now? What is going on? Is this normal at the age of 26? <P>I feel like I am so needy. I just want to get the hell out of here. So I can start over. I sick of the depression. Im sick of the suffering from withdrawal.<P>I thought I was over that. THis is hell. I drove by OM house today. I called him the other day. Just to see how he was doing. That was it though. Then I felt like crap after that. <P>My Aunt died last week. I was so upset. I just wanted OM to hold me so I could cry.<P>Im at the REVENGE stage now!!!! I want OM wife to know all about this. I just feel like such a [censored]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I am trying like hell here to hang on to this roller coaster. I am dealing with it on occasion. On the other hand. OM is off scott free. He is going on with his life like nothing in the world happened. I guess the word USED could fit here.<P>I am like "I am busting to stay on this track". It is NOTHING TO HIM! Why do all the bad people always come out to the good.<P>I thought I was doing the right thing by telling. Now I wish I had stayed out on my own. And divorced. I am so sick of one day thinking baout OM. Then the next forgetting it!!!!!!!<P>It is about time that he pay as well.<P>I Need help here!!!<BR>I just needed to vent!<P>Prayers<BR>Renee

Renee, Renee<P>Breathe. Why are you torturing yourself like this. What good would it do to hurt another human being - another woman. She had nothing to do with what happened between you and her husband, she did nothing wrong. What would you achieve, revenge and then what. He would hate you for that and you would then not only be the rejected OW but the obsessed and out of control OW. Do not let him do that to you, the best revenge you can do to him is to Live well and Get over him. <P>Do not kid yourself that his wife knows nothing, she will have had a gut feeling that something was wrong, she has maybe even asked him outright. It always comes out in the end. Do not be the one to break her heart, let him live with that.<P>Where is your husband and what are you doing to make amends to him. Even if your marriage is over he needs to know that it was not all a farce. If it is not over and you want out of your marriage, do it cleanly, with respect and care. Talk it through and leave with your dignity and let him keep what dignity he has left also.<P>You will survive this and you will be a better person for it all. I know you don't want to hear that at the moment but your future is yours to do with it whatever you want. No-one elses, yours.<P>BREATHE, and move on.<P>FET<P>

FET,<P>Thanks so much for the reply. Your right about hurting her. I dont want to hurt her. I was thinking of him. LOL!<P>You know what I mean. To think what hell H and I have been through. Then he is off all peaches and cream. She is stupid and knows nothing! Her freind did catch us at the park talking in our cars. He told her that we were discussing their marriage. And that I was my sister. He worked with my sis. <P>It just hurts to think about the roller coaster that I get on. I just want him to jump on as well. JERK JERK JERK!!!!!!!!<BR>I never thought I would say that I hated someone. I would love to spit on him!!!<P>this is a good thing though. That way I wont want him anymore. I just want him to suffer. When I passed him the toerh day he was so happy!!!! That bast@#$ EWWWWWWWW!!!!! <P>That was when it set in. The revenge thing. My cousin told me to not say a word that it was sad that she was a good girl married to a playboy. And she is to nieve to know!!! So I dont want to hurt her. Just him!!! <BR>Maybe I could paint his truck pink!! LOL!!!<BR>Just kidding! I have never been so so revengful!!!<P>HOW DOES HE GET BY WITH IT?<BR>Why is he any different than i am?<P>Thaks <BR>REnee

Renee,<P>You did not pay attention did you? You know contact with OM will set you back, and apparently it has. What is going on Renee? Last I heard from you, you and your H went to the beach and had a wonderful time. Now I hear that you are in contact with the OM again.<P>Renee, calm down please. You know this will pass. Seeing the OM has caused this and running from all of this to some other man yet will not solve this problem. Frankly, neither will divorcing your H. You need to come to gripes with the fact that the OM used you. You cannot reverse that part, but you can sure control if he ruins the rest of your life and that of your H.<P>So think about this. Come post again, vent, and get your bearings again. You can do this. Hang in there Renee.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad. I know that your emotions are raging, and that your thoughts are probably not too clear yet. You have come to the right place to talk--it has helped me tremendously!<P>Get the books. I have read them and re-read them, and I hope that my husband is reading them, too. They are wonderful. Dr H is a genious.<P>I am a betrayed wife, and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to ME. But I have questions: I don't want to be mean, but think about this--<P>If a wife that doesn't know her man is cheating, does that really make her "stupid?" (I had major clues dropped right into my lap and lies told to me that were outright silly--but I wanted to trust because I love my husband, so I did. Maybe naive is a better word.)<P>Did the OM really "use" you? Did you let yourself be used? Did you "use" him? The OW in my case said my hubby used her and then hurt her--but I later found out that she made the initial contacts (she invited him out on a date, she asked him if he ever thought about sex with her, she actually initiated sex, she left her H and kid to get an apartment to be closer to my H--she actually forced the issue about being roomates.) When he broke it off physically (sexually,) albeit that he didn't want to destroy his career and hurt his children (I wasn't a factor in his guilt, I guess) she said that he "used" her.<P>I was so mad at her because she kept hanging on long after he made a commitment to work things out with me. We even moved overseas, so he wasn't anywhere near her. But everytime he was on-line--boom!--she was right there to chat with him. And then he'd get up in the middle of the night to chat with her, after she plead with him to keep going. Addiction, addiction, addiction. She didn't get the picture, I guess, that you have to CUT OFF ALL CONTACT RIGHT NOW if you want to end the addiction. Cold turkey. Is it really worth it to keep doing that to yourself? It's only making you weaker.<P>Does vengence really help anything at all? NO!<P>I have pictures in my mind of beating the hell out of her. Oh, how I would love to do that! I even took up kickboxing when I first found out about the EA to work off some stress--and then thought about how great it would be to kick some of her teeth out, and that motivated me even more! To embarass her in front of her friends would be fun, too. And the ultimate--I have the ability to tell all to her hubby and her teenage daughter. I could destroy the OW's marrige the way she threatened to destroy mine. I could tell her daughter that her mother is the biggest skank in the universe, and I have proof--I have chat files. I have photos. I have motel receipts.<P>But I figured--what good would it do to hurt innocent people the way that I have been hurt? I spent about a month getting 1 or 2 hours of good sleep per night. I cried so hard. I couldn't eat for weeks--and then, I started to eat everything in sight. Everywhere I went, no matter what I was doing, I thought about my husband having sex with another woman, and it killed me! So why would I wish this agony on other people? Please don't let your anger get the best of you. Informing people will solve nothing. Truck painting will just cost money and it won't make you feel better. Anger makes things worse.<P>Go to counseling, talk with people in this forum, and CALM DOWN before you make another move.<P>You have made a mistake and have gotten caught up in something that jillions of other people have done, too. You can get over this, if you do the right things and forgive yourself. But start by doing the right things, and the good consequences--the good feelings--will follow. Besh wishes--<P>Mary

Oh, yeah--PS<P>OM is NOT getting off Scott free. The truth comes out sooner or later, believe me. He will get his in due time, so don't worry about justice.

Renee,<P>I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. Contacting the OM was a setback. I know how it feels. But he's not the right person to comfort you. As you found out, contacting him will just make you feel worse. <P>Where is your H? I thought things went well at the beach and things were getting better. What happened? Can you go to him for comfort? Do you have other family nearby? Maybe you can console each other about the loss of your aunt. I know she was very important to you. She is still with you, you know. In spirit. <P>But go ahead and cry your eyes out. You have suffered the loss of someone close to you. You probably associated those feelings of loss with the feeling of loss over the OM. All those feelings were brought to the surface. Try to keep them separate. The feelings may have been similar, but they are two separate events. Focus on just your aunt. Grieve for her. Remember her. Do something in her memory that will keep her spirit alive for you.<P>If at all possible, seek out your H. Let him help you with this. Ask him for the comfort you need. <P>And pray.<P>I'll say a prayer, too.<P>It will get better.<P>((((((Renee))))))<BR>

Inamess -<P>When I originally registered, I wanted to use this name, but it was already taken!! Having said that , I really don't think of the OM - as far as revenge is concerned. I don't think my H even wants revenge on the OM. I made a huge, horrible mistake by being involved with him. He never even recognized that what we were doing was wrong. He kept telling me "it's not cheating unless you get caught." He just didn't get it. And I think that's sad.<P>The only thing I can do at this point, is take responsibility for my actions. Yes, I chose to have an A, yes it was wrong, yes I asked for forgivness and received that forgiveness. But, I can't be responsible for the OM and what he does. If he choses not to tell his GF, than I don't think it's my place to get involved. The only thing I can do, is pray that he comes to understand that what we did was wrong. I pray for God to have mercy on him, as I have prayed for mercy on myself.<P>At least I recognize my mistakes and have asked for forgiveness. I can only feel sorry for the OM who doesn't recognize that fact and continues to do wrong or by denying it(i.e., lie, cheat, pretend that nothing happened).<P>I am so glad that I have not contacted the OM - even though he has tried to contact me. Unfortunately, I got a lot out of your post - that contacting the OM brings only more harm than good. Don't let your anger get the best of you. It's okay to FEEL angry, but to act on that anger would be wrong.<P>I read a book by Charles Swindoll "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back." It was a wonderful book. In it he quotes Ephesians 4:26-27 "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."<P>So, be angry, but don't prolong that anger into the night and don't let your anger be expressed in such a way that you are weakened.<P>I really don't think the OM got off scott-free, but that's between him, his wife and God.<P>As a WS, I know about withdrawl, I know about depression, I know what you're going through. At one time, I was very weak and gave into the temptation of an affair - I am trying very hard not to allow that to happen again.<P>At 26, is it normal for you to want guys to think you're attractive? I can say at 32, I still want that. I want to feel attractive, doesn't mean I want to sleep with every guy I run into. For me, though, I think it's more like my need for attention (self-esteem) is not being met or something like that. That's why, instead of thinking about the OM and his W, I am trying to focus on my H and I - our relationship. Get the attention I need from my H.<P>But, I really do want to thank you for sharing your thoughts - it can be hard to say what's really on our minds. But, having read your Post, I now know that contacting the OM - for me - would be a huge mistake - I could see myself getting jealous, hurt, etc. . .just like you, and I don't want to go in that direction. Take care - let me know how you're doing. And I'm sorry if I offended you with the religious reference - but it does kind of put things in perspective - at least for me. Don't choose to give into your anger.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 28, 2000).]

Inamess - You've gotten some really good responses here. Remember that we all make mistakes but it is how we choose to go forward after we make them that really defines us. Life goes on despite the horrors we encounter - and it is up to us to determine how we make the most of each day.<P>The feeling of revenge I would expect to be quite normal for you. I know it was normal for me (our situations different but after spending time on this board I see that in affairs everyone gets screwed bad joke but I'm a cynical smartass)<P>Do something good for yourself - which does not include the OM. A day at the spa, the beach, or all your favorite videos and quarts of Haagen Das - whatever works for you!<P>Now, for a contrary opinion. After some time has passed and you don't feel revengeful, find a way to let the OM's wife know. I am a firm believer in full disclosure. If she chooses to believe or not that is up to her, but she has her physical health to watch over and financial well being too. I'm glad I found out even though it was the most painful thing I have ever endured (yes it still does today - 17 mos. later)but not knowing could have made it much worse.<P>Chin up, (chest out ) it's okay to like to feel good about how you look - even for this ancient 42 year old, who by the way drives a very fast car.<P>Hang in there and find the support and love you need - just make sure it's from a good source.

Well inamess,<P>I'm more than twice your age and yes I still like to get admiring glances, and yes I still do.<P>I suggest you think of it this way. I've had cancer and the aftermath of the surgery hurt, I have scars, I am forever changed.<BR>You are like me, you hurt and you have scars, but the OM is like someone who still has that malignant growth in him. The surgery and afterwards was no picnic but better that than the alternative.<P>You should no more envy this person living a lie than you should envy the person with an untreated cancer.<P>Take care.

Hanora -<P>Very well put

Gosh guys!!!!<P>That helps so much! I am feeling better today. I still feel that vengeful thing in me.<P>I just hate to think about it. And it is eating at me. Just to think about the hell that I have encounterdd over his A@#. Not that I am innocent here. I didnt start it. He did. I was weak and very vulnerable.<P>H and I are fine. We have just been so busyy. We havent really got to love each other lately witht he hours that we have. He is Great though!!!!<P>I get lonely sometimes and that is when OM starts. Not to mention that his W works right by my house. So I pass her car everyday. So taht is just a glim reminder. Of the love and hate that I have for OM.<P>How about the vengance thing? I have never been this bad? I dont trust myself. Not to do harm. But to pick up the phone and give him hell. <P><BR>JUST LEARNING,<BR>I love the way you just tell me like it is. I know when I vent the honest feelings here that I am going to get scorched. You have my u[most respect for the advice that you give to me.<P>I desire your prayers,<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hey, Renee!<P>Good news - from one wayward gal to another - you are making *progress*, girl. I was LIVID with anger after my OM "moved on" (to another woman) - it is very unsettling and demoralizing to feel like you are paying the piper while OM is going his merry way, huh?<P>But you know what? Your anger is good. Your anger is an affirmation that you deserve better, and *he ain't it*. Your anger helps you reclaim your pride a bit.<P>And you know what? Eventually your anger & hatred turn into indifference. Big, yawning *indifference* toward him. And then you'll know you are really healed.<P>Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>