A few months back my wife participated in an Internet affair with a married (I think) man upstate. I found e-mails, confronted her with them and sent an e-mail to the man saying to back off. Since then my wife appears to have gotten a new e-mail account and I suspect is still conversing with this man. She has learned from the last mistake and is covering her tracks well but there are too many behavioral changes to ignore an affair. I have been using Plan A for almost 5 weeks in an attempt to win her back. She has not threatened to leave but it is clear her mind is elsewhere. We have three children and I just don't know if she wants our marriage enough to work at it. Now she wants to go upstate again, ostensibly to spend time alone but I am not so naive to believe it. She won't use this time for us to be alone but would rather run closer to the OM. I have no definitive proof yet but here is my question:<P>If she persists in asking to go upstate, do I counter that I think it's more important to work on the marriage?<P>If she persists, do I let her go? How do I prevent it?<P>I know that if I let her go, I'll end up using a PI because my suspicions are strong. She has denied four different direct non-threatening questions about seeing someone else. It's obvious she's not going to admit it. If I don't find out the truth, I'll go crazy. How can I fight against someone who gets the quality time she denies me?<P>This is affecting my job performance and my life. I am doing the best Plan A job I can but I am not sure it's working. I could see her tossing and turning last night but I am not sure it's guilt or a burning desire to see the OM.<P>Please Help!

gill,<P>In the beginning it was very hard for me to get the answers I wanted even though it was obvious that I knew "what and with whom". You really can't make them tell you anything that they don't want to and when they do - it is the soft version. You can find her email correspondence if it is on a computer that you share in the home. You would get an expert to help you do that. Be careful of what you look for, you might find it. I read many things that created a lot of images for me that are sometimes hard to dismiss. I would keep doing the Plan A thing. When and if she is ready, she will open up to you because she has decided to. I know it doesn't feel fair at all. That's just the nature of the beast. You can only control yourself and not her feelings or actions. Plan A can help create a safe place for her when she is ready.<P>To answer some of your other questions: Your not fighting against someone really. You are fighting for your relationship. Don't make it about the other person. Make it about you and your W. At first she may not be interested. Give it time. 5 weeks is not that long in the big scheme. Plan A works subtly. Also, my H and I never slept seperately even after d-day. I knew that he wasn't there emotionally and it hurt like hell. It's just part of it. I use to sit there and pray myself to sleep just to save some sanity. At least she is at home. Some nights we slept close together. why? i have no idea. i think he was weighing things out. that may be what she is going through. Give yourself some time and try to let her know how you feel about her, your marriage and what she is doing. Try to do that without anger.<P>hope your head isn't spinning from that - cleo

Thanks for the words. At these times, they help enormously.